 | Lots of women have flirting down to a science. So does Dr. Monica Moore.
Let's say you're a single guy. And let's say you notice a woman across the
aisle who just smiled in your direction. She looks at you again, then lowers
her eyes. She smoothes her hair, tilts her head slightly, exposing her neck.
You're intrigued, but before you find the courage to speak to her, you need
to know: Is she flirting with you?
Although it might be easier to identify flirting in, say, a singles' bar,
there are consistent and identifiable messages that women send to signal
interest in men, according to Dr. Monica Moore, an associate professor in
the department of behavioral and social sciences at Webster University in
St. Louis. After spending more than 1,000 hours of observation in singles'
bars, shopping malls, and libraries, Moore has cataloged fifty-two behaviors
that she defines as flirtatious - behaviors designed to attract and keep
the attention of a potential mate. Her test? Within fifteen seconds of the
observed "signal," the man responds - coming closer or touching, for instance
- or the behavior isn't counted.
Although these flirting behaviors are mostly what you might expect - there's
the hair flip, the lip lick, the pout, the coy smile - Moore's findings
seem to contradict some enduring myths about singles and sexual success.
First, it turns out that attractiveness is not the best predictor for who
will be approached - flirting is. "What we found is that a high-signaling
but less attractive woman will be far more successful than a low-signaling
but very attractive woman," Moore says. And, second, when a man approaches
a woman to ask for that first dance, it is not an act of bravery after all,
but an action that has been preapproved by the woman.
"A man rarely approaches a strange woman without receiving some indication
beforehand - almost always a nonverbal cue," writes anthropologist David
Givens, author of Love Signals and the upcoming book Why Humans Are (due this fall). In fact, it's estimated that two-thirds of all approaches
are initiated by women - so says independent researcher Tim Perper, author
of Sex Signals: The Biology of Love. While he's quick to point out that a great many men do not wait for preapproval
(girls, if you're alone in a restaurant or bar, they figure you're fair
game), Perper and Moore concur: Women play a dominant role in courtship.
That notion isn't new. Theorizing on sexual selection back in 1872, Darwin
developed the concept of "female choice"; since then, scientists have advanced
the theory. "Of course we're female-selective," says anthropologist Helen
Fisher, author of 1992's Anatomy of Love. "All you have to do is spend a few days with women and you'll see that."
Moore is a bit more circumspect. "Courtship is a process," she says. "No
one person ever totally dominates or controls it." Although her credentials
are serious - she's a dually trained experimental and clinical psychologist
- Moore is aware that some regard the stuudy of courtship as, well, frivolous.
That might explain why she recounts her research with compulsive care, qualifying
every anecdote, explaining data collection and methodology, offering caveats
and pitfalls. But after eighteen years of studying the courtship behaviors
of women, the cautious academician will say this much: Women are more important
players in courtship than is commonly acknowledged. And when men complain
that they're the sex burdened with the risks of romantic approach, Moore
says, "They've got it all wrong."
Back in 1978, Monica Moore needed a dissertation topic. Wanting to avoid the rat laboratory where
she'd spent two years at the master's level, she was trying to decide between
the broad categories of food and sex. Sex won out after she heard about
the research of Heather Fowler Remoff.
Says Moore: "[She] asked women a very interesting question: 'What is it
about the man you're currently seeing that makes him sexy?' That question
really launched her into reams and reams of data because women were extremely
forthcoming and told not only about their current partner, but about all
the partners they'd had in the past. And I was struck that these women felt
so firmly about their role in the courtship process." If this data pointed
toward female choice in courtship, she says, "I thought that you ought to
be able to see women making these choices." Flirting was the logical behavior
to study.
Since publishing her first study in 1985, then a follow-up predictive study
in 1989, Moore has become an unwitting, if ever-circumspect, spokesperson
for flirting strategies; she gives a reluctant "yes" to hosting singles'
seminars and appearing on radio and television programs (including Connie
Chung's), and fields hundreds of media calls every year. Especially around
Valentine's Day.
Moore admits that her basic findings - that when women primp, parade, and
smile, men respond - are not surprising. But if the mechanics of flirting
are fairly obvious, then why is she swamped every Valentine's Day? And why
does Perper need to explain to men in his singles' workshops what hair flips
and coy glances mean? Why are we humans so eager to have our most basic
behaviors confirmed for us?
"There are a lot of things in modern society that make us insecure," Moore
says. "It used to be that the boy had to ask the parents' permission to
sit on the front porch with the girl. Things were much more regimented.
And when we have a lot of options, we feel insecure, even if we know what
to do."
Perper agrees, and he coaches women in singles' groups along these lines.
"I think that fear blocks this basic pattern of going up and talking to
another human being. Women will think, I'm too fat, I'm too old. But men
are peculiar. They don't think you're too old or fat. They look at you and
say, 'Oh! Somebody talked to me!' Because they're probably just as bored,
lonely, or scared as you are. The other problem is that men just don't trust
these signals," Perper says. "It's starting to be miraculous that people
get together at all."
Trust doesn't seem to be at issue this evening. It's Ladies' Night at Generations nightclub, a loud,
dark bar just outside St. Louis. Moore, an attractive fortysomething blonde,
is in her academic element. Sitting unobtrusively at a table away from the
bar, she offers further proof of her findings: After spending two or three
nights a week in singles' bars for two years, neither she nor her researchers
were approached. "We weren't signaling," she says, "and we sat in pairs
of one man and one woman. Singles don't pay attention to couples."
To our left, up near the bar, sit two women. Just five minutes ago they
sat expressionless, arms crossed, leaning back in their chairs. Now, the
redhead is talking to a man, and the transformation is amazing. "It's like
a light bulb's been switched on," Moore says. The redhead leans forward
in her chair, slaps her knee, laughs, and tosses her hair, all while keeping
her shoulders angled toward the handsome guy standing on the other side
of a railing near her table.
If Moore were collecting data tonight, instead of instructing me on the
nuances of flirting, she might be speaking into a concealed microphone,
recording the movements of this randomly selected woman. Based on the behaviors
of more than 200 such subjects, Moore's catalog documents numerous signals,
including hair flips, tosses, and nods; smiles, laughs, and whispers; "solitary
dances," primping, and parading. Not to mention three distinct types of
glances (you've probably seen - or performed - all of them): the room-encompassing
glance, the darting glance, and the longer "gaze fixate" glance.
Moore and her team of researchers also caught women caressing different
portions of their own bodies (leg, arm, torso), pouting, applying lipstick,
and exhibiting playful behaviors and "aid solicitations," such as holding
out a cigarette for a light or waiting for a chair to be pulled out. "Are
these conscious tricks?" Perper asks. "Well, let's just say they're not
all planned. A gaze has to be conscious, but there's no simple answer about
a lot of these behaviors."
Spontaneous or preplanned, some of the behaviors in Moore's catalog are
not easily recognized as flirting. Take the "palming" gesture the redhead
now shows. According to Givens, gestures like palming and the "neck presentation"
are the same displays of submission exhibited by other mammals, such as
wolves, to demonstrate approachability. "If you're at a party, you'll remove
your necktie to show the neck dimple," says Givens. "It's a way of making
yourself less threatening." Submissive displays are so central to our behavior,
Givens says, that one of our most common courtship strategies seems to be
to regress - and behave like children.
"Think of how a five-year-old will ask Mom for a piece of candy, with the
same head tilt, lifting his shoulders, eyes down," Givens says. "It's a
way of showing harmlessness. And [these sorts of displays] are the same
with all mammals and primates." One surprising aspect of his research, he
admits, is that these courting cues appear to be universal for heterosexuals
and homosexuals. "Even the toughest, most threatening-looking guy in black
leather will give very submissive cues to the other guy he's interested
in."
But a neck presentation doesn't necessarily indicate true submission. It's
a theatrical display, Moore points out, "used to control someone else's
behavior." As for the catalog of flirting behaviors, she cautions against
overinterpretation: "You can never look at one signal and say, 'Oh, she's
interested in me.' You've got to have a lot of signals across time."
Perper agrees: "Just because a woman did one of Monica Moore's head tosses
doesn't mean she wants to run off to Sweden with you." On the other hand,
Perper says, "I tell men to be more open to the signals women send. When
many women do these things, they are not accidental. They express interest!
I tell the men, 'She's giving you a yellow light!' and they say, 'Oh yeah?'
The men are very suspicious of this stuff."
For women, knowing about Moore's research could make one terribly self-conscious - or turn one into a terrific
flirt. "I used the courtship signals to lure in my husband," Moore confides.
But doesn't she think that the universality of these gestures makes us women
seem predictable?
She glances over at the redhead, who is leaning forward to whisper in the
handsome guy's ear. "I find flirting very beautiful behavior," she says.
"A courting woman laughs more; she smiles more. When a woman uses parade,
she throws back her shoulders, puts up her head. All of these behaviors
make her look very attractive."
The redhead eases back into her chair and casually pulls her curly hair
above her head, showing her neck. Handsome moves in. "If you look at this
from an evolutionary perspective," Moore says, "women are going to do what
works."
Tim Perper sums it up this way: "There's a lot more here than just bar pickups.
What I am looking at is love, how people fall in love - not just flirtation,
but flirtation as a sociable and pleasurable thing in itself or as a precursor
to a lifetime of happiness with another person."
Debi Howell is a freelance writer based in the San Francisco Bay area.
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