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I got involved with an Army Social Worker, Major James Tansor. He told me that he had a couple, who wanted a baby badly; they were kind and religious people who would love my child. Open adoptions started about the time of my daughter's birth. However, not once did he mention this option to me. I believe he was representing their interests. They were personal friends of his and the father was a fellow army officer. I prayed about this and decided to go the adoption route. Now I wonder about this. How many adoptions done by Army Social workers, who are officers are made to fellow officers? What is the ratio compared to enlisted? I have written Department of the Army and the Army Times to see if this information is available. I question this now because of the way James Tansor treated me when I informed him of my daughter's death.
My daughter contacted me when she was about 15. I wrote her back saying that if she needed bone marrow or a kidney and we were compatible she would have it. However, if she was arguing with her mom, and said I'm going to find my real mom, you are with your real mom. I will not get in the middle of anything. I mailed that letter and two days later I mail a copy to her mother.
Her mother contacted me. She said that she could not believe a PO Box would be a good address. If they knew it was a good address they would have kept a better handle on the papers. She said we could write, but not talk or see each other, she believed she was not mature enough, they had experts. I would like to know just who these experts were, now. I have contacted several adoption organizations and they said that there is no set age. Studies have been done showing that knowing and meeting the birthmother is often beneficial.
I said ok. That I would let them tell me when she was mature enough. Only then could come down and see her. They have an unlisted number. Letters flowed between us. I also got some wonderful letters from her mother. One came on mother's day saying how every mother's day she prayed for me. Laurie also wrote her brother and sister. She was glad to have them she said she was tired of being an only child, and wanted sisters and brothers. She called her sister adorable.
Letters became infrequent. I chalked this up to "distancing" or "limbo". I had called the operator once and had her parents call me back. They said nothing was wrong. They would let me know if anything was wrong. I was naïve and believed them and the adoption fairy tale.
Laurie's mom started answering her letters. In August 97 I had sent her four post cards that said you owe me a letter. Her mother wrote me back saying she was too busy to write. Christmas 97 I sent some presents. Her mother wrote me, saying Laurie was so busy with her job, school and extra curricular activities that she did not have time to shop or write. Laurie worked at the mall, so I didn't believe this. I thought Laurie was mad at me for something I would not do.
Laurie had suggested that I come down in December 1997 and visit her. We did not have to tell her parents. I told her no, that I had promised her parents. I told her I could not do it. I had promised her parents. She had wrote me back saying I was "Dumb" for believing in them. She didn't, they hated me. They would not let me know anything. She knew what they really thought of me. She had found letters and overheard conversations. (Now I think she was not getting our mail, and we were not getting hers.) If left up to them I would never see her.
I was angry because she did not thank me for her Christmas presents; I was going to wait for her to write me. I did not go down for her 18 birthday or her graduation. I did send her a graduation card that said return to sender. I did not want to intrude during such a family time, and I had promised them. I sent letters, cards and a Christmas package. No answer. I wrote her mom saying I was coming down when Laurie was 19. I had given them an extra year.
Then I got the call.
A woman called me and said
Is this a good time for you to talk I have something important to tell you for the Shachleiters?
No, it isn't I am getting ready to eat.
Well, I called earlier and you weren't home.
I was at the library; I am in a graduate program.
Well I called once and I am not calling again.
I'm call for the S___ they no longer want anything to do with you.
Why?
Laurie is dead.
How? When?
March, last year, after graduation. She killed herself.
How?
It was a very lonely way to die. It's your fault. Her life started to fall apart when you came in it. You did not have to give her up for adoption. You could have changed your mind. I had a child and the birth mother changed her mind. Months later she changed her mind; you could have changed yours. She couldn't get over being adopted, that you kept other kids and did not keep her. That her father didn't want her. The cards and packages you sent her will be returned unopened. They have these packages here and don't know what to do with them. She was getting the best psychiatric care money could buy, the best. Such a talented young girl.
But, I wanted to talk to her and see her.
Well that is just to bad, It's not going to happen now is it.
Then she hung up.
I would like to ask the woman now WHO FORCED THEM TO ADOPT HER?? I had written a letter to Judi once saying how I almost changed my mind but didn't think that it would have been right. They could have changed their minds also. I didn't have to give her up for adoption; I didn't even have to give birth to her. IS IT SUPPOSED TO COMFORT ME THAT THE PACKAGES AND LETTERS I SENT TO HER ARE UNOPENED? Do they think I would write, buy presents and mail things to a person who was dead? AM I SUPPOSED TO TAKE THEM BACK? Tell the Store Clerk I bought these for a dead person? If they told me I wouldn't have sent them. The birth mother that changed her mind must have had some insight of what this woman was really like. There was no reason for her to be so cruel and hateful to me. She alluded to many other things, that I will not print.
I didn't believe it. Her adoptive mother sent me wonderful letters. Saying Laurie was fine. She had promised me to let me know if anything was wrong. I got on the WWW and looked in the local newspapers, nothing on an obit or suicide for March 97. I thought Laurie was playing a trick. The next day I called the local newspaper. Deirdre did an obit search for me for the month of March and the first week of April. Nothing. I thought that she wondered how much I cared. Then I got the packages back and a large envelope with the letters cards I had sent her. Inside was a funeral schedule of songs and prayers that was to be sung. In addition, there was a letter that they sent to all their friends in December 1997 informing them of her death. When did they plan to tell me her birth Mother? If I had not said I was coming down I would still be writing to her and wondering why she wasn't answering. She was buried in Jun 97. They couldn't even be honest about that. I called the Medical Examiners office and spoke to Linda and found out the exact date and how.
I found out that she was arrested twice as a juvenile, once as an adult, (cocaine however she was with some people who had it in their posession, the charges weree dropped on her) had tried to kill herself previously. The cocaine arrest was a result of her being with some people, who had it in their car. I found this disturbing because the second time she succeeded utilizing her father's handgun. Two other sources told me she was involved in the occult and was being stalked.
Laurie was homeless when she died. They had thrown her out of the house after graduation. This was supposedly an act to tough love. According to the police report they were trying to get her away from that boy. Another source told me that Laurie could not stay unless she obeyed the rules. She left. If his influence was that bad, they could of sent her to me for the summer, grandparents, or aunt or uncle. I don't understand how someone could put a child on the street who had attempted suicide previously and who needed mental care and was on medication. She was staying at her boyfriend's house; he was sneaking her in through the window. Her boyfriend's mother found her and told her she had to leave. He had gone to a practice. He came back and Laurie was gone. He told her that Laurie had a gun. He told her parents. Everyone looked for her. They notified the police that Laurie had a gun. Her doctors told her mom she was not suicidal (This is unconfirmed.) she was just acting out. They stopped looking for her around midnight. Her mom went to work the next day. An early morning jogger found her body in front of her boyfriend's house. Her time of death was about 2 am.
She was, according to the caller, getting the best medical care money could buy the best. However, I have read that 80% of the people who try suicide attempt it again, so much for the best care. So how could they say that she was not suicidal? Why did they not tell the parents to detoxify the house by removing the handgun? If someone cuts their wrists would you sharpen the knives and put them back? Guns in the house of person who had attempted suicide and on medication raises the probability of suicide. However, you can repair wrists, pump stomachs, but you cannot remove a bullet from the brain. In addition, her autopsy report says she had ovarian cysts. My doctor however, said that some ovarian cysts could result in major hormonal imbalances. Did the best psychiatric care think to have her a complete physical with lab work? I don't think her doctors had a physical done. American Demographics magazine published a study concerning working teenage girls. They study 's finding report that teens who work 30 hours a week have more behavioral problems than any other age group. How many hours did she work a week? How close was it to 30 hours? Was this a contributing factor? Finally if Laurie was having so many problems with being adopted and our relationship, how come her doctors did not recommend a face to face meeting? Personally I do not believe her doctors and counselors did any research in problems adoptees have. Several web sites provide a list of doctors who are certified in dealing with adoptees and the disorders and problems they face. Her mental healthcare providers were not on any list. Who was paying these providers of psychiatric care? Of course my daughter's adoptive parents. So I question the doctor's agenda. Did they really want to help my daughter or were they interested in what the parents wanted?
I am deeply worried about the quality of psychiatric care in the Boca Raton area. If her doctors are the best money can buy, and their patients commit suicide, what is happening to the people who are not seeing the best? Scary isn't it?
Her mother got up and went to work. She was notified at work to come to the boyfriend's house, something had happened to my daughter. How could they stop looking for her? How could her mom go to work? Her mom gave the police her doctor's names addresses and phone numbers. She did not know want medications her daughter was on, they would have to ask the doctors. Who was filling the prescriptions?
The investigation into her suicide has me puzzled, so much so that I do not believe that she committed suicide. First of all her thumb was on the trigger, yet the bullet entered her head three inches above her ear with the bullet entering and moving upwards. That is a very clumsy position, one does not have control of the weapon. In addition, (according to the police report) her camera fell off her neck when she hit the ground. I set up a ladder next to my daughter's trampoline and fell on to it about 10 to 15 times. Not ONCE did my camera case come off my neck. I have not seen photos from the suicide scene, and do not know of its relationship and placement to her body. Her suicide took place in a very quiet peaceful neighborhood. The sound of gunfire in not common. Sound travels at night. I find it hard to believe that no one heard anything, or if they did they took no action.
The investigating officer told me that Laurie broke into a locked case of some kind and took the gun. How can someone not know that their locked guns are broken into? Supposedly Laurie came home and took them. But then why did her boyfriend ask his mom where Laurie was and tell her that she had a gun? He didn't know where she went. When he told her mother, she notified the police, that her daughter had a gun. Two to three days after her funeral a second missing gun was reported. In fact the police detective who did the investigation on her suicide did not know two guns were missing. Surely if the weapon cabinet or drawer were broken into they would know that two weapons were taken. (A first I thought that they were too overcome with grief to tell me of her death.) However, if her father could notify the police of a second missing weapon to absolve himself of any crime that might happen with that weapon, so soon after the funeral, he could of notified me.
hey were supposedly religious. However, I had forgotten all the evil that has been committed in the name of religion - Inquisitions, witch burning, Anti-Semitism etc. Her parents, the social worker told me, were active in the episcopal faith. Her adoptive mother wrote me one letter about how active they were in the Episcopal Church, and were charters members of one in the area I live in. How can a person worship God and not keep their honor bound duty to another human being? How can a person who believes in the teachings of Jesus Christ use and treat another human being like this? To use a person and be nice to them as long as you get what you want out of them or as long as you need them. Proverbs states - What you share with the world comes back to you, why you keep to yourself, you loose forever. I shared Laurie and she came back to me. They kept her to themselves, (refused to let us talk and meet) and lost her forever.
I contacted her minister from the number on the funeral schedule. He was surprised that I just found out and told me there is a lot you don't know and enlightened me on several items. In my shock and grief I had said, "I could make their lives miserable. " I do not recall saying this. They have taken out a restraining order against me. They do not want to talk to me. I guess they thought I would be happy and thrilled to hear that my daughter Laurie killed herself. The restraining order includes her friends. They are not allowed to talk to me either. The three people I would like to talk to are Lisa, Stacie, Patrick and the woman who grows roses as big as your face. Personally, I wonder what else they are trying to hide and don't want me to find out. One of her friends told me that Laurie shown them everything we sent her. I just want to ask if she received some things. Specifically the last set of Christmas presents I sent her while she was alive. I do not want to talk to her parents. It is not likely that I would believe anything they would have to say to me. They lied about telling me if anything was wrong, the date of her death and graduation. Who is to say that they did not lie in the home study, or that, Jim Tensor, a fellow officer and personal friend did not lie for them? All I want to know is where she is buried. They won't tell me, but if I have to go to every cemetery in Boca Raton area and the rest of Florida, I will.
The letters my family received from my daughter do not give me the impression that she was egocentric. That she did not think I had a life before or after her. She was excited and happy to have a brother and a sister. She said she was tired of being an only child. One thing that bothered Laurie was comments made by people concerning Hispanics. Her father was Hispanic. Her boyfriend told me it had nothing to do with me. That she had planned on coming to visit me. That her parents hated us writing they did not like it at all.
I found the social worker that arranged this. I said that I thought you said my baby was going to good kind people. Good religious kind people don't do this to another person. He told me that there is not a correct way to tell someone how someone died. I wonder how he would feel if one of his loved ones would die and the police would say they did not have to be on that road. They didn't have to be in that area. Isn't that what they used to tell women who were raped? You didn't have to be out that late? Wearing those clothes? I recommend that if you placed your child in the hands of Mr. James Tansor for the purpose of adoption I would research the whereabouts of that child, the adoption, and the adoptive parents.
If you are a birthmother I do not want you to make the same mistake I did -- trusting the adoptive parents. I feel I must warn you of the duplicity of adoptive parents. I plan to go to every state and protest adoption. I am considering writing letters to ambassadors and United Nations representatives of the countries Americans go for foreign adoptions to warn them.
Laurie was involved in the arts. Her specialty was photography. There are two organizations that hold gun collections and make art works out of them. One is Art for Guns, (link) based in Canada, and Peaceful Streets (link) based in San Francisco. They have a variety of items for purchase to support removal of guns from the streets and homes.
If they thought so little of me, that they could not keep their word, (They had promised to let me know if anything was wrong.) tell me of her death in a timely and compassionate manner, and give me the wrong month of her death, what did they think of my daughter I gave them?
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