thoughts on...

(archive the first)

Concertgoers

Tuesday, 11 April 2000

We saw Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young the other night. I don't go to many concerts and once I'm there I remember why. Don't misunderstand me, I like live music. I am not one of those people (and more power to them) that prefers the "clean" sound of a studio version of a song or a lip-synched dance number. Nor am I a bootleg junkie, collecting live versions ("is it off the board?", "how many CDs were pressed?"). The music I got no problems with. If I didn't like the music I wouldn't have paid for the ticket in the first place. (Notable exception: Kim took me to see John Tesh. I don't love his music but he did put on a good show.)

It's the people in the audience I hate.

This is a short run down of these people.

The Imbibers

The main reason they go to concerts is to feel there is some excuse to take as many mind-altering substances as possible. The music is really secondary. Being able to carry two beers at once without spilling and looking like you know cigars are the important things.

Mr. Chore

This guy has many, many tasks. He cannot simply stand still. He must check the stage from all angles. He has to see which beer line is the shortest. He has to figure out the numbering scheme for every section.

The Collector

The Collector doesn't always have time to listen to the music. He moves from stall to stall to try to find the rare concert items. He inevitably wears a concert t that he got from a fellow list-serve user in Finland.

Dead/Goth Dancer

How exactly did this dance make it to the mainstream? It was safely relegated to Dead shows. Apparently once the Dead broke up it was released into the general population. This dance seems to go with just about any music: CSNY, Laurie Anderson, R.E.M.

The Set Guy

He knows what song they really should have played next. She also knows what song they followed that one with back in '94. In case the band is unprepared, he will yell out the correct next song for the last 30 seconds of the preceding song. He will also yell out requests, from the last section, for some obscure cover they played once 12 years ago.

disclaimer: if there is a picture of you above, don't just complain, please find me an acceptable substitute.

Inflation

Tuesday, 14 March 2000

$1=$.57 When I was in elementary school I remember hearing that the dollar was no longer worth a dollar. I think it was worth 57 cents or so. This was supposed to show the effect of inflation. As I recall it was expected that by the time we were adults the dollar would be worth something like 36 cents. I just thought about this recently. I don't think I understood that concept then and I'm pretty sure I don't understand it now.

I'm not going to pretend to know everything, or even much, about economics although I did take half a semester of macro-economics. So I decided to to look to the best place to get the most accurate, up-to-date information: the 'net.

penny The first site I looked for help made me even more confused. The screen prompted me to enter a dollar amount and two dates. The dollar amount (I picked $1) is then adjusted by the consumer price index. I figured that I probably heard about the devalued dollar in about 1980. Then I put in the latest date this calculator could handle, 1999. The calculator told me this:

An equivalent amount of $1.00 in 1980 dollars would be $2.23 in 1999 dollars. However, $1.00 in 1999 would have been worth $0.45 in 1980.

dime After doing the dumb guy look for less than a minute, I think I got it. Inflation means that an equivalent amount of money had more value in 1980 than in 1999. But that does not begin to explain the $1=$.57 thing.

So next I asked my dad. He is an economist, although most of his work was in tax policy not dollar value. He explained that this was an expression of constant versus current dollar value. I asked if this was important since people are paid more as the cost of purchasing also goes up. He said that is not really an issue unless you are comparing the dollar to the currency from another country, a country that perhaps had less inflation.

Not that I could disagree with my dad, I thought I should really double-check this info (as any good reporter does) on the 'net.

The next site I saw had nothing to do with money. Apparently there is some sort of fetish involving inflating body parts. Not leaving any stone unturned in my quest for monetary knowledge, I found a guy with a very impressive beer belly.

A Letter from Nigeria

Friday, 7 January 2000

Won't you help? Saw something about this on 60 minutes, then I got my own version. This is one of the best documented scams, see the Secret Service, the Better Business Bureau and the National Fraud Information Center.

It took several scans to get the right grainy look. I hope that is appreciated.

For the original and best source of documents on the 'net, read The Smoking Gun.

Weather

Thursday, 7 October 1999

It seems that there is always a curvy line in the weather map running roughly North-South. The local weather guy says it's a "front." I have heard the line is defined by having high pressure air on one side and low pressure air on the other side. I don't know what that means. In fact, it wasn't until high school that when I thought people were saying "windshield factor" it was really "wind chill factor." Glad I didn't advertise that. The wind chill thing did make more sense, though. I am still working on a good definition for my windshield factor. I think it has something to do with leaving food on the dashboard and sun coming in the windshield. I'll write later once I get that pinned down.

But I digress. Back to these weather lines. They must be significant because they seem to be drawn so carefully with occasional triangular spikes running down one side. But I'll tell you what, when that line makes it to your house, brother, expect some sort of weather change.

So I was saying that this weather line always seems to be over or very close to my house (not in the sky, on tv). I always assumed that where I live must be one of those places that invites these lines due to rock formations or swamp gas or something.

But this is the main thing I noticed: these lines seemed to give the weather guy a chance at two forecasts. The first forecast was about what we could expect if the line doesn't come. The second forecast usually brought ignorance and fear. This is what would happen if the line comes. There was always something happening much worse on the other side of that line. All we could do is wait to see if a drift or something would bring the line our way.

Flash forward. I spent some time in Fort Wayne, Indiana a couple of years back. Fort Wayne was OK but overall it is pretty boring. I would watch the morning news from my hotel room as I got ready for work. I remember one day the big story was (no joke) that someone spilled paint in the road. This caused a one block traffic tie-up. I could see it from the hotel room window. Again, this was the lead story.

Now I'm pretty sure that weather guys all over the country get their reports from the same source, the National Weather Service. Sometimes they let it slip. Using this as a basis, everyone should pretty much have a consistent source of information. Some weather guys are "meteorologists." I don't know if there is some sort of post-graduate program, a certificate or what. Nor do I know why they are named thusly. Maybe "weatherologist" is too wordy.

Over the weeks I noticed that the morning news had weather forecasts that I was used to from home. There were lines near Fort Wayne. No longer were there lines back home. The lines follow me.

I can change the weather. Actually, I can only bring rain. To do this all I have to do is wear a specific pair of suede shoes.

the rain shoes

It doesn't work 100% of the time. But it's close. Hey, even Ivory soap is 99 44/100% pure. 54/100% evil.

How to get rid of crime in Washington, D.C.

(retold by James from conversation with San Francisco cab driver who used to live in D.C.)

Friday, 24 September 1999

First, you have to buy all the cabs from the private owners in D.C.

[Note: The taxi service in D.C. is probably not like any other major American city. All cabs are privately owned. There are no meters. You drive from "zone" to "zone" and pay for how many zones you have crossed in your path. This can be very confusing to visitors. Ironically, some locals like this system because they know where to get a cab and where to be dropped off thus avoiding excessive "zone" coverage.]

Pay them the fair market price. Now you [I think he means Congress] own all D.C. cabs. These cabs are now divided between the states according to their congressional representation. For instance, if there are as many cars as there are congressmen, California gets 57 cabs (55 in the House [actually California has 52 seats, 1 currently vacant due to death] + 2 in the Senate), Virginia gets 14 [13] cabs, etc. These redistributed cabs must be driven by residents of these states (in D.C.). These new drivers must have a legal and current license from their respective home state.

If a state does not have enough cab drivers that meet these requirements and are willing to drive their cabs in D.C. then a representative from that state [presumably a Congress person] goes to the Pentagon and "knocks on the door." The official then asks for some "be all you can be guys" [although never noted as such, I took this to mean Army personnel]. The remainder of the cabs (not occupied by traditional cab drivers) are now manned by "be all you can be guys." These "guys" are in no way to act or look like the traditional cab drivers. In fact, they are to be fully equipped with military arms and attire.

Now when someone hails a cab they are maybe half the time going to get a visiting cab driver and half the time a soldier. This will make ne'er do wells think twice before committing crimes since half the cab drivers are ready to attack. [I was unclear of the expectations of the soldier drivers--whether they were to enforce laws or simply discourage crime by their military-state presence, although it did seem that they were allowed to kick butt should criminals appear.]

I was told that I could tell that to my Congressman and that would clean up crime in D.C.

From the Desk of...
San Francisco street scene

Monday, 2 August 1999

I saw this on Market Street the last time I was in San Francisco.

sf milk crates

Make Big Money

Monday, 1 June 1999

Read the important message below...

There are many prosperous corporations that are "in to" giving away money to people. The May 1999 issue of Fortune 500 has an article about how giving away tons of money can improve your company's profits. Look it up! AOL gave away millions about 1 1/2 years ago and now look at them!!!

I will give anybody that reads this e-mail $2. You get an additional $1 for everyone that you forward it to, and so on. The only conditions I require is that you do not ask for the money or tell me that you have read or forwarded this e-mail. I am double-blind testing special ESP software to determine the following:

who received this e-mail
their height
who read it
who simply "scanned" it and won't remember any of it 2 minutes later
what else they were thinking about while reading it (takes up less db space than you think)
the porno name of those who had this forwarded to them (childhood pet name followed by street name)

Wish me luck and look out Bill Gates!!

Truth & the Answering Machine

I Probably Have No Scruples

(sounds like a Love American Style episode)

Wednesday, 5 August 1998

Kim complained that the answering machine message was boring. It went:

You have reached 123-4567 (real numbers changed to protect the innocent). Leave your name and phone number and your call will be returned.

I purposefully did not leave any personal information so I would not give telemarketers and other unscrupulous types any additional information about me. So I finally caved in and changed it to:

Hi. Now you talk.

A little more unusual yet no additional personal data. The unintended result was actually confusing telemarketers. We received messages from AT&T long distance two days running. The operator was apparently not listening to the rather short message and assumed that someone picked up the phone. So we have two messages of someone saying:

Hello, this is AT&T long distance services. May I speak with Mr. Wilkins?
(pause) Hello?
(pause) Hello?
(pause) Thank you for speaking with AT&T long distance services.

There is also a third message of some guy saying "Hello?" four or five times before hanging up in disgust.

I was driving Kim down Wisconsin Ave. after seeing PI (I was a bit disappointed). The traffic was kind of heavy. I said "Hey, isn't that Broadcast House?" (the local CBS station's facility--guess they're too good to just name it their "studio") as we were passing what I thought was said building. Why I would care about this I do not know. So I turn back toward the road and the cars in front of me were stopped. I jammed on the brakes and squarely hit the car in front of me at about 20 mph. The driver immediately put his hand to the back of his neck and I figured I was in trouble. He was driving a primer-gray Chevy with dents all over it. He came up with a strange story to explain a DC phone number and VA license plates. We exchanged phone numbers and names but no other information. He said he wasn't too worried about his car but might give me a call in a few days.

Granted, I did not see his car before I hit it. Making gross generalizations, as I am to do, I do not think it looked much better beforehand, judging by its apparent upkeep. So Kim and I are worried this guy is going to contact a lawyer and find out how much he could make on this mishap. Then we realized that all he had was our phone number. We discussed that we thought it would be funny if our answering machine message identified us as different people (to stay one step ahead of the law). So now our machine says:

Hi! You have reached Bob and Diane! Leave a message...

Post Script: The guy called the other night. I answered the phone and agreed to pay him $200.

Coffee

Thursday, 30 July 1998

I was in the supermarket recently and was looking at the coffee creamers. I am not a coffee nut case. I drink one or two cups a day M-F and usually none on the weekend unless I go to a nice restaurant. My coffee problem is that my favorite ice cream flavor growing up was coffee. I should really question my parents about hooking me up with that. It was the 70s, I guess I'm lucky I didn't get Marlboro ice cream. So anyway I expect my coffee to taste something like coffee ice cream. So I add sugar and cream. For this reason, bitter office coffee really makes me cock my head sideways like a confused dog.

So I am looking over the non-dairy creamers. First of all, I don't understand the non-dairy part. Does this mean they could make non-dairy milk? Yes, I've had rice milk and soy milk, but that's not the same. Anyway, there was a Kahlua flavored creamer. Do you see where I'm going with this? Kahlua is coffee-liqueur. Of course the cream has no liquor in it. So we're talking coffee-flavored coffee. The irony was not lost on me, although it is hard to come to a realization of irony in Shopper's Club. I bought it anyway.