Quotes
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"We are all going to hell but at least we'll be together"
Kenny vs Spenny
Martin's Father: Have a good time at Image Enhancement Camp!
Martin: Spare me your euphemisms! It's fat camp for daddy's chubby little secret!
Martin's Father: You promised you wouldn't make a scene!
The Simpsons
“Good... Bad... I'm the guy with the gun.”
'The reason we're successful darling?
My Overall charisma of course'
Freddie Mercury
I always knew I was a star And now, the rest of the world seems to agree with me.
Freddie Mercury
"You see, there's just one small problem. If I don't tell you, you'll kill me. If I do tell you, you'll kill me anyway, become a god and terrorize the world. So, either way, there's very little personal gain for me."
Xena
"Oh, poor Watcher. Did your life pass before your eyes? Cuppa tea, cuppa tea, almost got shagged, cuppa tea...."
Buffy
"I was being patient! But it took too long!"
Buffy
"That's me as a vampire? I'm so evil, and skanky. And I think I'm kind of gay."
Buffy
"I had to sing Barry Manilow."
"You're kidding."
"In front of people."
"And here I am complaining about my petty little problems."
Angel
"Captain, you... mind if I say grace?"
"Only if you say it out loud."
Firefly
"You didn't have to wound that man."
"Yeah, I know. It was just funny."
Firefly
"Dana, things I say in my office stay in my office!"
"Natalie's my second in command, she's the only person I told."
"Jeremy's my boyfriend, he's the only person I told."
"...I told many, many people."
Sports Night
"Christian Fundamentalism: The doctrine that there is an absolutely powerful, infinitely knowledgeable, universe spanning entity that is deeply and personally concerned about my sex life."
Andrew Lias
You my boys...know that war is not the fine adventure it is represented to be by novelists and historians, but a dirty bloody mess, unworthy of people who claim to be civilized.
Private George Alphonso Gibbs, 18th Mississippi Infantry Regiment
In 1556, not long after the Portuguese first set foot in Brazil, the Bishop Pero Ferdinandez Sardinha was shipwrecked on its shores and set about introducing the gospel of Christ to the native "heathens." The locals, impressed with the glorious civilization the bishop representated and eager to absorb it in its totality, promptly
ate him.
Julian Dibbell
If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now.
Douglas Adams
My doctor says that I have a malformed public-duty gland and a natural deficiency in moral fiber, and that I am therefore excused from saving Universes
Douglas Adams
Arthur hoped and prayed that there wasn't an afterlife. Then he realized there was a contradiction there and merely hoped that there wasn't an afterlife.
Douglas Adams
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move
Douglas Adams
A common mistake people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.
Douglas Adams
Trin Tragula - for that was his name - was a dreamer, a thinker, speculative philosopher
or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.
Douglas Adams
''Your God person puts an apple tree in the middle of a garden and says do what you like guys, oh, but don't eat the apple. Surprise surprise, they eat it and he leaps out from behind a bush shouting `Gotcha'. It wouldn't have made any difference if they hadn't eaten it.''
''Why not?''
''Because if you're dealing with somebody who has the sort of mentality which likes leaving hats on the pavement with bricks under them you know perfectly well they won't give up. They'll get you in the end.''
Douglas Adams
This is obviously some strange usage of the word "safe" that I wasn't previously aware of.'
Douglas Adams
"`In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were REAL men, women were REAL women, and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were REAL small furry creatures from Aplha Centauri.'"
Douglas Adams
"`Right,' said Ford, `I'm going to have a look.'
He glanced round at the others.
`Is no one going to say, "No you can't possibly, let me go instead"?'
They all shook their heads.
`Oh well.'"
Douglas Adams
"The fronting for the eighty-yard long marble-topped bar had been made by stitching together nearly twenty thousand Antarean Mosaic Lizard skins, despite the fact that the twenty thousand lizards concerned had needed them to keep their insides in."
Douglas Adams
"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job."
Douglas Adams
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers
exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will
instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more
bizarrely inexeplicable.
There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
Douglas Adams
"His eyes seemed to be popping out of his head. He wasn't certain if this was because they were trying to see more clearly, or if they simply wanted to leave at this point."
Douglas Adams
When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.
Hunter S. Thomson
Plautus said, 'Factum est illud, fieri infectum non potest.'
Done is done, it cannot be made undone.
…And these children
that you
spit on, as they
try to change their worlds
are immune to your
consultation
they’re quite aware of what
they’re going through.
David
Bowie
If you have grown to love your life, it
seem ungrateful to belabour old injustices, especially those that happened in
childhood, that place of sheltered perspectives where you were likely to wake up
and go to bed without anyone ever disabusing you, after all, isn’t it possible
that the very betrayal that flags your memory and constricts your heart led to a
development in character that enabled you to forge your present life.
Gail
Godwin
One day, a long,
long time ago at a retail music store where I had been working for almost a
year, I had an unexpected revelation. As I stood next to the cash register, the
sky seemed to suddenly open up over my head and a throng of beautiful angels
came flying down and swirled around me. In glorious lilting tones, their voices
rang out: “You haaaaaate your job, you haaaaaate your job…” and then they left.
But I knew it was true –angels don’t lie. I hated my job.
Gary
Larson.
Strong inside, but you don’t know
it
Good little girls, they never show it
And when you open up your mouth
to speak
Could you be a little weak.
Madonna
Edward Gorey
"I thought I'd be a librarian until I met some crazy ones."
When asked what he did during the French Revolution, Talleyrand is reported
to have said, "I survived"
JKR: "Yeah. Well I had re-written the death, re-written it and that was it. It was definitive. And the person was definitely dead. And I walked into the kitchen crying and Neil said to me, 'What on earth is wrong?' and I said, 'Well, I've just killed the person.' Neil doesn't know who the person is. But I said, 'I've just killed the person.' And he said, 'Well, don't do it then.' I thought, 'a doctor' you know, and I said 'Well it just doesn't work like that. You are writing children's books, you need to be a ruthless killer
JK Rowling
Prince William chose some odd presents for his wife, amongst other things, six bonnets!!! Report says that 40 were sent for him to make his choice from and HRH and his adjutants managed all the business alone without applying to the Princess’s ladies for help. They are somewhat startling in shape and style but the Princess bravely wears them.
http://www.barnardf.demon.co.uk/Letters/Prussia.htm
"Don't assume [our life] is difficult, until we tell you it is."
Lori Schappell
conjoined twin
"My mother died when I was 16. Not a clean
death either - cancer and operations; a
steadily-increasing morphine dose was keeping
the pain away and my father and I understood
she didn't have long to go. I saw her stop
breathing at about twenty to four in the
morning, and, the whole sorry conclusion of
getting funeral directors to remove her and
deal with the paperwork over, I walked out
of the house at about 7am. There was the most
majestic sunrise I have ever seen that morning,
utterly massive peaks of pinks and oranges.
The memory of that sunrise has been with me
over half my life."
Yarblesnake
"I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: "O Lord, make my enemies ridiculous...and God granted it."
Voltaire
Stewie: Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but you're a total bitch
Family guy
Lois: Oh, I haven't been on a college campus in years. Everything seems so different.
Stewie: Really? Perhaps if you laid on your back with your ankels behind your ears that would ring a few bells.
Family guy
Stewie: There's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me, and it's not so much that I want to kill her, it's just, I want her not to be alive anymore.
Family guy
Stewie: I was under the impression the name of the show was "Kids Say the Darndest Things," not "Old Black Comedians Never Shut the Hell Up."
Family guy
Stewie: Let me guess, you picked out yet another colorful box with a crank that I'm expected to turn and turn until OOP! big shock, a jack pops out and you laugh and the kids laugh and the dog laughs and I die a little inside.
Family guy
Lois: Come on Stewie, you know you can't leave the table until you finish your vegetables.
Stewie: Well, then I shall sit here until one of us expires, and you've got a good forty years on me, woman.
Lois: Sweetie, it's broccoli, it's good for you. Now open up for the airplane ...
Stewie: Never! Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright brothers.
Family guy
Stewie: Easy! Massage the scalp. You're washing a baby's hair, not scrubbing vomit off your Christmas dress, you holiday drunk
Family guy
Stewie: What the hell is this?
Lois: Sweetie, that's tuna salad.
Stewie: Oh, is that what it is? Really? Because I could have sworn it was mayonnaise and cat food.
Family guy
Mrs. Pewterschmidt: Would you like a piece of candy?
Stewie: I smell death on you.
Family guy
Stewie: Thank you Lois, when I rule the world, your death shall come quick and painless
Oft have I digg'd up dead men from their graves,
And set them upright at their dear friends' doors,
Even when their sorrows almost were forgot;
And on their skins, as on the bark of trees,
Have with my knife carved in Roman letters,
'Let not your sorrow die, though I am dead.'
Shakespeare:Titus Andronicus
Okay. Don't panic. right now you're panicking. you're thinking, "how could they do this to me?" But what you SHOULD be thinking is: "How could they do this to JOSS?". Seriously. That pity is mine and I want it back.
Joss Whedon
I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints.
Billy Joel
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
Attorney: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for blood pressure?
Witness: No.
Attorney: Did you check for breathing?
Witness: No.
Attorney: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Witness: No.
Attorney: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Witness: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Attorney: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Witness: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
Testimony from court records
Attorney: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
Witness: There were traces of semen.
Attorney: Male semen?
Witness: That's the only kind I know of.
Testimony from court records
I really didn't foresee the Internet. But then, neither did the computer industry. Not that that tells us very much of course - the computer industry didn't even foresee that the century was going to end.
Douglas Adams
Either that girl is flirting with me, or my paranoia is finally trying to do something positive
Brad Yung
"Oh, you hate job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
Drew Carey
Television! Teacher, mother, secret lover
You can turn your back on a person, but never turn your back on a drug, especially when its waving a razor sharp hunting knife in your eye.
Hunter S. Thompson
"Success in love consists not so much in finding the one person who can make you happy, as in escaping the many who could make you miserable."
"Any fool can criticise, condemn and complain, and most fools do."
Benjamin Franklin
"All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy."
"Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you, Their tastes may not be the same."
George Bernard Shaw.
"Yea, I shall walk through the valley of death .... In fact, now that I think of it, I shall run through the valley of death; you get through the valley much faster that way."
Woody Allen.
"Scratch most feminists and underneath there is a woman who longs to be a sex object. The difference is that is not all she longs to be."
Betty Rollin.
"Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing the right thing."
Isaac Asimov
"Health nuts are going to feel real stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing."
I'm interested in the fact that the less secure a man is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudice.
Clint Eastwood.
It is really asking too much of a woman to expect her to bring up her husband and her children too.
Lillian Bell
"There's no I in theam...there's an M and a E though"
Carson - Queer eye for the straight guy
I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me.
Hunter S. Thompson
STERN: Now, can I give you my theory? And tell me if I'm wrong.
LETTERMAN: Oh, yeah, this will be good. Let me get a pad and jot some of these things down.
"God is love, but get it in writing."
Gypsy Rose Lee
You always see a lot of Snape, because he is a gift of a character. I hesitate to say that I love him. [Audience member: I do]. You do? This is a very worrying thing. Are you thinking about Alan Rickman or about Snape? [Laughter]. Isn’t this life, though? I make this hero—Harry, obviously—and there he is on the screen, the perfect Harry, because Dan is very much as I imagine Harry, but who does every girl under the age of 15 fall in love with? Tom Felton as Draco Malfoy. Girls, stop going for the bad guy. Go for a nice man in the first place. It took me 35 years to learn that, but I am giving you that nugget free, right now, at the beginning of your love lives.
He can see Thestrals, but in my imagination most of the older people at Hogwarts would be able to see them because, obviously, as you go through life you do lose people and understand what death is. But you must not forget that Snape was a Death Eater. He will have seen things that… Why do you love him? Why do people love Snape? I do not understand this. Again, it’s bad boy syndrome, isn’t it? It’s very depressing. [Laughter]. One of my best friends watched the film and she said, “You know who’s really attractive?” I said, “Who?” She said, “Lucius Malfoy!”
J.K Rawling
"There is absolutely no problem we cannot solve, through careful, focused application of extreme, mindless violence."
Jeff Vogel, Scorched Earth Party
It requires more courage to suffer than to die.
Napoleon Bonaparte
"My visions of the future are always pretty much standard issue. The rich get richer, the poor get poorer and there are flying cars."
Joss Whedon
Remember to always be yourself. Unless you suck.
Joss Whedon
I also don't trust Caribou anymore. They're out there, on the tundra, waiting... Something's going down. I'm right about this.
Joss Whedon
I'm very much of the 'make it dark, make it grim, make it tough,' but then, for the love of God, tell a joke."
Joss Whedon
Why did you make Quirrell the bad guy instead of Snape?
Because I know all about Snape, and he wasn't about to put on a turban.
Rowling about Snape
This place looks like Santa's workshop except it smells like mushrooms and everyone looks like they want to hurt me.
Elf
A real parent isn’t somebody who’s extremely great, but only when it’s convenient.
It’s somebody that, no matter how rough they might be, will never let you down.
JOSS WHEDON
It's a fresh new hell every day.
Carson - Queer eye for the straight guy
It's making me positivly moist.
Carson - Queer eye for the straight guy
Being happy doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means you have decided to look beyond the imperfections.
"The brakes were useless, the car was wandering. The rear end was coming around. I jammed it down into Low, but it made no difference so I straightened it out and braced for a serious impact, a crash that would probably kill me.
"My heart was full of joy as I took the first hit, which was oddly soft and painless. No real shock at all...
Yes. These huge white lumps were not boulders. They were sheep."
Hunter S. Thompson
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters whether I win or lose.
Nobody's perfect... well, there was this guy, but we killed him.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde
I've always enjoyed the films of Tim Burton to varying degrees
Kevin Smith
QUESTION: How did you decide which characters to use?
Michael DOUGHERTY: As far as adding other elements of the comics, it's really kind of flipping old issues, the encyclopedia of X-Men, stuff like that, and trying to decide what kind of figures fit in this universe. Luckily, because of X-Men 1, the boundaries were already set. We weren't going to do anything outlandish and introduce Sugar Man or Mojo or anything like that. There were certain rules. The world was defined. So, it wasn't too difficult because you had to pretty much throw out a lot of the crazy, drug-induced stuff that the X-Men writers in the comics had come up with.
"This calls for a particularly subtle blend of psychology and extereme violence."
Vivian, "The Young Ones"
Telling computer guys that they need to have permission to quote things is like having to tell little children about Death.
Ted Nelson
There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it.
Christopher Darlington Morley
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which I disapprove.
Ashleigh Brilliant
Eagles may soar, free and proud, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.
Never judge a book by its movie.
J. W. Eagan
"They call him the Sand Spider." -
"Why?"
"Probably because it sounds scary."
True Lies
Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life overcoming.
Hope Floats
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer
Searching the Internet ultimately ends in porn.
Someone told me music is supposed to come from the heart, which was news to me because I usually get mine off of Kazaa
Well-Behaved Women Seldom Make History
Laurel Thatcher Ulrich
Carson: What's the magic word?
Streight guy: Please?
Carson: NOW!
Queer eye for the streight guy
J.K Rowling: It would be churlish to say there's nothing good about being famous; to have a total stranger walk up to you as you're walking around Safeways, and say a number of nice things that they might say about your work... I mean of course you walk on with a bit more spring in your step. That's a very, very nice thing to happen. I just wish they wouldn't approach me when I'm buying you know.
JP: Loo roll?
J.K Rowling: Items of a questionable nature, exactly. Always, always. Never when you're in the fresh fruit and veg section. Never.
I used to care, but now I take a pill for that.
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