Scriptures:

16-30

HOME *1-14-03*...10:17 PM CST

freeopendiary went wacky.

im done writing there.

from now on, im going to write in here.

who reads it is not important anymore.

this is my life, or at least my interpretation of it.

onward it goes:

*****#1*****

I have more going on in my life right now than in a long time. and i dont know what to think about it. i tried out for this little production of hamlet, which turned out to be not so little, more like 30+ people. it should be nice for me to get back into soemwhat of a social setting again, after being away from one for such a long time.

acting is incredibly weird. i thought it was pretty interesting after the first day, but now i question it. i also question the majority of the people who im "acting" with. i think "actors" get into "acting" fro the wrong reasons.

i never realised this before, but acting is all about filling your need for attention from people. especially on stage.

i now understand why the "drama" departments everywhere are filled with people with multi-colored hair, slipknot t-shirts, and those kind of people who yell out anything random at the top of their lungs, looking for a small laughter to creep up from the shadows so they can re-assure themselves with the fact that they still exist and blood still pumps throughout their bodies.

for those of you who dont "know me", i go out of my way to avoid attention.

i wear "normal" looking clothes, have a "normal" looking hair cut (sorta), and i enjoy the things that "normal" teenage males are supposed to enjoy.

sports.

video games.

cars.

messy piles of clothes.

women.

being stinky and dirty and being a "man".

i ask myself the question of "why do i enjoy these things?" and it all reverts back to the fact that it's what a man is "supposed" to enjoy.

it's much easier and more socially acceptable for a man to go to the bar and a watch a football game with "the guys" than go to the bar and put on fingernail polish and watch ice skating with "the guys".

why exactly i avoid attention and why exactly certain people crave attention, im not exactly sure.

why i want to go my whole life unnoticed and certain people want to go their whole life without being unnoticed, im not exactly sure.

but one thing i do know for sure is that im going to keep myself a part of this production in hopes that i can provide some sort of certainity in my life about myself.

compromising situations always compromise your morality.


********************



*1-15-03*...1:59 PM CST

*****2*****


today, boys and girls, is the greatest day of my life so far.


i had an unplanned near-death experience.


it was the greatest feeling ive ever felt before.


long story short, i got in a car accident today right outside my school.


my car wasnt banged up too bad, but the lady's car had a bunch of damage.

after the accident and when the police arrived, i stood and watched in awe as people complied to me as a result of my actions.

today, i lived more than i lived in every single day of my life combined.

i watched my life flash by my eyes. all the things that i didnt get to do, all the things that i wanted to do but never had the courage, all the things i already did.

and i was amazed.

i have realigned my perspective on the world.

i will never be the same person i once was.

i have awaited a moment like this my entire life, and now its here.

and as much as i wish i coudl say i didnt know what to think about it, for once in my life i actually do know what to think about it.

im going to change my life.

make a better relationship with my mom.

most importantly, i've lost all hope of fear anymore. i used to say that "i dont fear death, therefore i dotn fear anything." this was nothing but a lie that i was trying to convince myself of. now i understand the lie.

my whole life is a lie filled with lies.

and the fact that i realised this today makes it the greatest day of my life.

*********************************



*1-16-03*...10:29 PM CST

**********3************



my life honestly couldn't be much better right now.

which is funny because i shoudl be living in complete utter misery after my car accident.

but in reality i could give a rat's ass less about my car or my insurance or the whole ordeal.

life is more than polluting the air and dealing with number crunching people with glasses.



yesterday, after my car accident and when i wrote my last entry, the greatest day of my life continued.

earlier in the day, the "tow truck man" gave me a ride home after the accident.

i told him the situation, and he told me i was at fault.

he told me what was wrong with my car and what needed to be fixed and how the odds of me getting any parts for it would be incredibly bleak.

and instead of being mad at this guy like i shoudl have been, i looked over at the "tow truck driver" and i said these exact words:

"you know what, i really like you."

i liked this guy because he had no sort of fear in him. he was not afriad of what i was going to think of him.

he told me the truth.

the brutal honest truth in his eyes, with no sense of doubt in his voice.

and for this, i admird this man, and i let him know about it.

He said "thank you, i appreciate it." and we continued talking.

i told him i was a post-secondary student and how i was majoring in pharmacy.

i told him i was unsure of where i was going and to be quite honest unsure or where i was going with my lfie in general.

he told me "join the army. theres a pharmacy field in the army. you get to travel and you get your college paid for and everything. i was a recruiter for 21 years. blah blah blah......"

i thought to myself "hmm" and seemed kind of interested, but i really wasnt.

me and the "tow truck driver" parted ways minutes later.

this coudl be the last time i ever see this man in my entire life.

i went inside my house and wrote yesterday's entry. and then i sat and cried for awhile.

i never cry.

not because of my car. not because of my insurance company. not because of what other people woudl think of me.

i cried because this was the greatest moment of my life.

the point in which i turn my life around.

we all need a swift kick in the ass 7 times in our lives.

this is one of those 7 times.

with nothing else to do, i walked to the army recruting office.

i became informed about the army, and realised that even though i had a spiteful bias against it, i really knew nothing about it.

so i learned.

for over 2 hours i read brocheures and talked to people i never met before.

and then it dawned on me why i was here.

the tow truck driver.

not because he told me to, but because of the admiration i had for him.

his honesty and straight-fowardness.

if a man like this represents a group like the US army proudly, than maybe the US army is for me.

or maybe it's not.

only time will tell.

i then went to my ceramics class and built two clay pots.

for three hours, it was me and the clay and the people around me.

i didnt think about my car once.

i didnt think about my future.

i didnt think about anything really.

i went numb.

i stayed numb until midnight.

the greatest day of my life was now over.

and i flipped the channel to reality television show.

and the countdown for the next greatest day of my life began.

************************************************************



*1-20-03*...1:08 PM CST

**********4************



ive been thinking about the army a good amount lately.

and the general consensius is, well, more of a question.

why don't people ever tell you the full story about things when they are trying to sell your something?

i mean, when i went into the army office, all the recruiter had to say was good things about the army.

hence the title "recruiter".

you wont get many people to join the army by saying only bad things.

but you wont get people like me to join the army by saying only good things.

i find it funny how even our "national defense" is afraid to tell both sides of the story.

because it is still trying to "defend" itself in the process.

this also makes me question what people in general are trying to tell me when they want me to do/eat/buy something.

those late night infomercials.

beer commericals living the way that "I" i want to, or the way they think "I" i want to.

even subtle things like your friends trying to convince you to buy something for them.

in the end, they are all trying to sell me something.

the infomericals try to sell me a product to numb my life because, to be quite honest, they think that if i'm still up at 5 in the morning, i've gotta have a fucking problem with my life.

the beer commercials sell me the image of what they want you to think happens when you drink beer.

my friends sell me thoughts and use their experience with you as a person to their advantage to get what they want.

and its not just me.

this happens to everyone.

every single day of our lives.

and we even do it ourselves.

and in result of this, i'm going to walk into the army office sometime this week and tell the recruiter exactly what i want to say to him:

"tell me everything about the army that sucks."

its amazing how you dont have to ask to hear the viewpoints that people want to hand-feed you.

yet you always have to ask to hear the viewpoints that people dont want to hand-feed you.

and even then you don't always get a chance to hear them.

this is my life.

i'm not going to read every other page in a book and try to fill in the pages i didnt read with answers that will satisfy my mental needs for the current moment.

i'm not going to make a "life choice" based on half a tale.

i'm not going to let people try to satisfy my needs by telling me only what i want to hear or only what they want me to hear.

i will get the full story

i will make my own "life choices"

i will understand that the everyday things i hear from your everyday person is really only half of your everyday story.

every day only really counts as half a day in your life.

dont miss a minute.

************************************************************



*1-21-03*...5:07 PM CST



**********5************



I keep having this really weird dream.

every night, somewhere along in my dreams, i dream about reading this book.

i dont know what it's called or who its written by.

or even what its about really.

all i seem to remember is that this book is filled with creative, new ideas about things.

and i cant even remember what those ideas are.

but as i progress through this book, the dreams become more vivid and vivid.

i think i'm almost done reading it, and it's appraoching the climax of the plot.

i really wish i could remember my dreams.

i can remember the emotions i left in my dreams, but i do not remember how they were caused.

i recognise things, as if i have seen them before somewhere, but i really dont know where.

"dreams are reality, and reality is just dreams."

************************************************************



*1-21-03*...9:56 PM CST

**********6************



a weird thing happen earlier today.

i came to ICC driving my car for the first time since the accident.

i go and park a ways back to cover up the "damage"; being that it would be an incredible image ruiner.....

so i park, and i get out of my car.

and i'm parked next to a buick skylark, a greenish color. mid 90's.

and that just so happens to be....

the same EXACT kind of car that i got in an accident with.

though it wasnt the same car from the accident.

it didnt have any of my black paint on it.

it definatley threw me for a loop though.

and just goes to show you that coincidence is a funny thing.

i mean, out of all the empty spots, why did i choose to park there?

why did i choose to be self-concious for this one time?

its quirky little things like this that make life liveable.



**********7************



so i came home from practice tonight to see i got a letter from the U of M today.

i didnt get accepted.

i was almost certain i was going to.

the lady on the phone made it sound like i was a shoe-in.

in person they told me i would have no problem with my acedemic accomplishments.

but i didnt get accepted.

a week ago, this would have absolutley crushed me.

now, for some reason, it really doesnt bother me a whole lot.

in fact, i'm not even phased by it anymore.

this is an hour after getting the news.

and i really dont even care a whole lot.

going to college is exactly what a "smrat young man" like me is "supposed" to do.

i beg the question.

who says this is what i am "supposed" to do?

my mom?

the culture i live in?

we all live an extrodinary life.

but not all of us are acknowledged for it like movie stars are.

if anything, this could actually be a benefit to me.

funny how i was actually leaning towards the army, but my parents (mom especially) wanted me to do what a "normal" young man would do.

go to college.

get a job.

find a girl who i dont even really like but is pretty enough to take home to my mom and get married.

have kids.

get fired from my job.

become an alcoholic.

get divorced.

have your kids grow up hate you and drift away from you.

grow old, all alone.

die, alone.

the more and more i think about it, living the "normal" kind of life really fucking sucks.

what i'm going to do with my life, i'm not exactly sure.

but i am exactly sure what i'm NOT going to do with my life.

today, on january 21st, i vow to never fall into the "normal" way of living my life.

at least if i live "dysfunctionally", my parts and gears of my life will never erode away into nothing like the people who try to "function" their entire life.

your life is nothing but a hunky junky used copy machine capable of breaking down at any moment.

don't make too many copies.



************************************************************



*1-22-03*...9:12 PM CST

**********8************



i went into my car to go to my night class, ceramics, earlier tonight.

i started up my car, and i gave it a moment to warm up.

as i was waiting for it to warm up, i looked at my odometer.

it read:

044444

i saw this,and i kidn of chuckled to myself.

"how odd" i thought.

then out of the blue, it just hit me.

this is the last time this moment will ever occur in my life.

even if i drive this car for another 100,000 miles, i probably wouldnt even notice it the next time it hit 044444

which made me get to thinking even more

every moment in my life is like this.

every action and re-action in my life is nothing but a one-time moment.

every time i tie my shoes, it is a unique moment.

every time i blow my nose, it is a unique moment.

every time i hit the urinals at McDonalds, it is a unique moment.

i may proceed in these actions more than once, but the re-action will never be the same.

my re-action to my odometer reading 044444:

put the car in reverse, back out, and drive away.

what will or what would my re-action be to this situation 100,000 miles later?

a million miles later?

ten years later when i fidn the car, smashed hundreds of times by monster trucks and in a cheap, diry, scrap metal yard?

will i be thinking about the same things?

will i be wearing the same clothes?

will i care enough to notice?

no matter what 1of the near infinite possibilites happens to my car the next time it hits 044444, if it ever even hits 04444 again, i will still have the unique, one-time moment i had today with my car.

the action may still be the same for the car, but the reaction will be a million times different.

so different every mundane detail as to what formation of soil is supporting the car at this now "new" unique, one-time moment in this car's existance.

actions cannot be created or destroyed.

re-actions cannot be created or destroyed.

everyday, at every moment, you roll the infinitley sided die that determines your action in life.

and everyday, at every moment, the "world" you live in rolls the infinitley sided die that determines your re-action in life.

good luck.



************************************************************



*1-23-03*...9:55 PM CST

**********9************



i love the content of your everyday conversation.

what exactly "can" be said and what exactly "can't" be said.

and how in order for a "conversation" to exist, both parties have to show interest.

its easy to talk to the "normal" person about the weather and have them understand and relate to you.

its hard to talk to the "normal" person about how the vending machine is only a pre-historic version of what's to come, with machine doing all of man's mundane tasks eventually.

the "normal" person can understand and grasp the weather.

he/she can look outside and see the snowflakes fall and blow aimlessly in the wind.

but the "normal" person cannot understand that, eventually, someday, his humanic physical functions will be essentially useless.

he/she cannot look at the vending machine and realise this.

instead, he/she looks at the vending machine, puts in 3 bits, and pushes a random sequence of letters and numbers.

and out pops the product:

a box of junior mints.

my favorite.

he/she may not understand the pre-historic subliminal meaning of the vending machine.

but he/she can understand the meaning of the junior mints.

they are a delightful, minty-tasting snack coated in a chocolate shell.

created by the hard-working mechanisms of......(insert candy company here).

moved by truck/plane/boat/molecular transport to......(insert destination here).

and now, the box of junior mints rests in the hand of this person.

he/she is not concerned at all at how they got here.

or if they've been tampered with

injected with rat poisoning.

soaked in a lead-based choclate-colored mixture.

he/she has complete, utter faith in people that he/she has never met in his/her entire life.

he/she has complete, utter faith in machines that he/she has never seen in operation in his/her entire life.

let alone even knows that they even exist.

a constant topic in an everyday conversation is fear.

im afraid of spiders

i hate clowns

i want to kill the teletubbies they freighten me so

but when it boils down to it, what's more fearful than putting your life in the hands of people/machines that you're not even sure exist, let alone knowing their intentions?

he/she opens the box, and pours out a mint.

he/she puts the mint in his/her mouth.

this person could be thinking about dying.

this single junior mint could kill him/her.

he/she sucks on it for awhile, and walks over to a man sitting on a bench.

he/she turns to the man and says "i'm afraid of daisies and cattepil---"

his/her eyes roll back into her head, and he/she falls of the bench.

the junior mint rolls out of his/her mouth, half-bitten.

dead.

the man stands up and looks at his/her body.

it lies motionless in a pile of daisies.

"looks like fear got the best of him/her." the man says

i'd say......



************************************************************



*1-25-03*...12:48 PM CST

**********10************



i have general insecurities with the fact that i'm "not" a smart person.

this is probably the reason why i write in here, and the reason why people try to be all philosophical in general.

writing "the dog falls on the moon, a cat whispers in your ear, the sea cries" is a great thing to write........but what does it mean?

you may know what it means, because you wrote it. i sure hope you know what it means.

but for the little average man who reads this and thinks "wtf?", you can lay back in your chair and say:

"aha. you moron. you DONT knwo what this means??! ha, i am WAY smarter than you."

when in reality, it couldnt be further from the truth.

if you need to insult people to make yourself smart, that only shows your ignorance through ten-fold.

not to mention the fact that it shows a lack of self-confidence in one's ability to understand one's self.

if you were the last person on earth, where woudl you get your reassurance of the fact that you are "smart"?

woudl you start spouting off hippie bullshit to meteor crateors and then when you dont get a response start taunting the crateor about how "dumb" it is, and how "smart" you are?

as psychopathically sad as it sounds, i couldnt not envision the situation happening in the right context.

we as people are so groomed in our ways of lives, even down to the last detail as to our means of maintaing our "status" amongs others.

we as people are afraid to let our weaknesses show.

i know i am.

i dont exactly go around telling people that i'm afraid of heights, im self-concious about the way i look and probably spend more time in the mirror than i "should", or that i can't go a single day without thinking about dying in soem way, shape, or form.

even though i'd liek to think i'm not afraid to die, i still am.

and that freightens me.

im supposed to be a "all-knowing, no-fear" person....but do i really want to someday have to resort to insulting a crateor to make sure that im still this "all-knowing, no-fear" person?

i dont think so.

ill have the side of fear and ignorance as my main dish today.

thank you, and have a nice day.



************************************************************



*1-25-03*...7:43 PM CST

**********11************



shit has really been hitting the fan today.

but instead or splattering everywhere as you might think, it just gets cut up and rests at the base of the fan.

i realised something today.

i was walking through target by myself, and i stumbled upon an older couple.

i looked at them faintly.

then it just hit me like a boxing glove to the jaw.

in the large scheme of things, the percentage of things that i actually "know" in this world, it so small that it is not even measurable.

its like my knowledge base is a single atomic molecule of the sears tower.

i mean, here are two of 6 billion people.

i know absolutley nothing about them.

i dont knwo what they are thinking.

i dont know their favorite kind of ice cream.

i dont know why their looking at laundry detergent.

are they traveling somewhere? do they own a cabin on a lake?

did they run out of laundry soap at home?

are they buying it for someone else?

how are they going to use it?

do they usually get tide or the generic stuff?

with or without bleach?

are they going to buy fabric softener too?

do they have a job?

kids?

why do they have the hair cut they do?

why are they dressed the way they are?

what was their first car accident like?

did they even have a first car accident?

do they believe in god?

is their favorite tv show "the WB's charmed"?

...i think you get the point.

and this isnt a one time occurance.

every single "stranger" you walk by, you can analyze there situation and ask similar questions to.

it just goes to show people, myself especially, that maybe we're not as "worldly cultured" and "smart" as we think we are.

our society's definition of being "wordly cultured" or "smart" is going on "jepoardy" or "who wants to be a millionaire" or whatever the current "brain-teaser" show is and answering questions that really dont even pertain to "normal" life in any sense.

basically, our society praises people for knowing things that we will never put to use in "normal" everyday situations.

who really gives a damn how many grooves are on the circumference of a quarter.

yet, you get no praise for finding out that the woman standing next to you in the canned vegetable aisle at the grocery store likes mandy moore because she "thinks she's cute".

as meaningless as both bits of "information" may be, at least you're "getting to know" the woman in the grocery store.

and not the inside of a statistical book.

and the lesson for today boys and girls:

don't spend your entire life trying to "know" everything.

you'll miss getting to know what lies right under your nose everyday of your live.



************************************************************



*1-27-03*...9:21 PM CST





**********12************



it seems like every show on tv has become a "reality" show.

why, you might ask?

because people are living less and less everyday.

and they need other people to live for them.

instead of standing around the watercooler talking about what they did last night,

they stand around the watercooler and talk about what their favorite "reality tv" character did last night.

this only entertains me to throw around more future "ideas" for reality tv shows.

all you wanna-be producers, grab your pencil and paper and pull up a chair.

you can make a million dollars off of someone else's life.

-1---people must survive on their own "waste" products and living in a refridgerator box for 1 week. the last person left gets $1,000,000.

-2----everyday when you wake up, you must take a card and do whatever that card tells you for the entire day. whether it be 12 hours of jumping jacks, mowing the lawn over and over until the sun goes down, or sticking a penny up your nose and then taking it out and putting it back in your nose and taking it out and so on.

the next day, you must take another card, and do what that tells you to do. this continues until theres 1 person left, and they win $1,000,000.

-3---you must ride a giraffe for as many cummulative hours as possible in the span of 3 months eating only rice pudding and twinkies. the person with the most hours wins $1,000,000

-4---you must hunt down and kill every single of your living blood-relatives with a butter knife. the person who does this first wins $1,000,000.

-5---you must listen to that song on the titanic soundtrack by celine dion at the decible level of a jumbo jet during take-off until only 1 person is remaining. that person then wins $1,000,000.

and those are just off of the top of my head....

gosh, i'm a reality-tv machine.

SPEAKING of which, i concluded tonight that im watching my final television show tomorrow.

ironically, its the episode of the x-files called "the beginning".

and it will be "the beginning" of the end of my "national' television life.

i'm still going to watch dvd's/movies, and play a slim amount of video games, but im done watching "national" television.

ive grown so accustomed to television and its became such a part of my everyday life that i want to see what i can do without it.

what kind of person i am without it.

and most notably, what i become without it.



**********13************



i had a really unique experience today.

i was going to get a plate, and we have our plates stacked with the little plates on top of the small ones.

needless to say, i needed a big plate.

so i opened up the cupboard with the plates, lifted up the stack of little ones, and grabbed a big plate.

as i put the little plates back down over the big plates, this glass dish resting on top of the big plates slid off.

*shatter*

there was glass everywhere.

i cleaned up the mess thoroughly.

as i was getting to the little fragments and sweeping them together in a pile, i got a little sliver of glass caught on my left index finger.

i felt the sharp pain, and pulled it out.

i then look and see my pinky finger, covered in blood near the bottom.

i had been cut by a piece of glass.

but i felt nothing.

and i still dont feel anything.

this got me to thinking:

what exactly makes me "feel" what i do feel? why did i feel the tiny little sliver but not the bigger gash?

i mean sure, we can buy the whole "scientific explination" on how a neuron in my brain must not have fired to indicate the "pain", but what fun is that.

so this got me to thinking even more:

what is it in us that makes us "feel" certain things and "not feel" certain things?

some people feel we should save the rainforest. some dont.

some people feel cracking eggs with our head is ok. some dont.

some people feel pain in their pinky finger when they get cut there. some dont.

why do we "feel" or "not feel" these things?

tolerance?

stimulation?

drugs?

intolerance?

are we dead?

are we living?

are things a fixation in yoru mind?

if a house burns in the middle of nowhere, and nobody's there to see it, does it produce heat?

does it produce light?

does the fire die out?

maybe my situation today had to involve myself not "seeing" my pain.

maybe i was off thinking about something else.

puppy dogs

gumbi

rambo

god

and i wasnt thinking about my "pain", or "potential pain" in my case.



GIBSON: .....It’s nothing like real life where people think one thing but they say something else.

SCULLY: (laughs softly) Is that what people do?

GIBSON: They’re so worried about what other people are thinking when the people they’re worrying about are worried about the same thing. It makes me laugh.

SCULLY: Why?

GIBSON: They make up all this stuff to believe but it’s all made up. Some people try to be good people but some people just don’t care.....



************************************************************



*1-28-03*...9:45:28 PM CST





**********14************



i did some research today.

i found today that every second that goes by, two people die.

and i then concluded that every action you do in your life is a memorial to a person who died.

when you take gum off the bottom of your shoe, its what you were doing when (insert names here) died.

when you pick yoru nose, its what you were doing when (insert names here) died.

when you ask someone to marry you, at that same exact moment, people die.

the second you are born, two people die.

and in typing this much, 574 people have died.

i was typing a scripture when (insert names here) died.

stay tuned for further installments on this amazing revelation i came to today.

848 people died during the time period in which this scripture was written.

fin



************************************************************



*1-28-03*...9:20:25 PM CST





**********15************



and so the show goes on.

*sits aimlessly trying to reminess on one of the many thoughts that happened today*

why is it that we have to "think" of things before we say them?

i mean, theres people out there who dont "think before they speak" sometimes, but for some weird reason, i applaud them.

they have no fear of what comes out of their mouth.

no matter how vulgar, insensitive, or downright unconditional love it is.

so here i go. no thought. just words.

two cats lay on my bed. geekers and tubby j. and i wonder what they're thinking about. they hate each other. one hisses, the other runs away. one pushes the other out fo the way for cat food. tubby is a "man", and geekers is an "old lady".

keith millard is a stud. i have a starting lineup figurine of him sitting right next to my computer monitor. if you dotn know what a starting lineup figure is, its a little sports guy. he played for the vikings. 38-50-56-69-19-81. those are ketih's ratings in tecmo, circa 1991. i can spout off tecmo ratings like nothing, but yet i cant even remember more than 5 phone numbers at one time or the year in which both my parents were born. shows where my priorities are.

if you spell the word DOG backwards, you get the word GOD. yet, if you spell the word JESUS backwards, you get SUSEJ. this beg the question: is god a stray dog on earth? does he wander from dumpster to dumpster late at night looking for left over chow mein and rice patties? speaking of which, is there such thing as a dog that is a vegatarian? how about a cannibal? i wonder if somewhere, between the 6 billion of us, theres a cannibal vegitarian. i'd like to shake his/her hand. that'd be cool.

wow. i just re-read everything i wrote. and i laughed.

i laughed when i called geekers an "old lady"

i laughed as i subconcoiusly spewed out the tecmo ratings of keith millard.

i downright chortled at the whole concept of a "cannibal vegitarian".

sometimes just letting go of your "concious" and not worrying about who may be peering over your shoulder is a great thing.

because you learn what you really feel about things and how you let the things that affect your life affect you.

old lady cats

tecmo super bowl

cannibal veggies.

9:34:06

1718 people died during this transcription from my mind to text format.

fin



************************************************************







16-30