When I heard that, I laughed; no movie could be as violent as this video game that used it as inspiration. Then I saw COMMANDO and realized, to my shock and pleasure, that the game was actually a very faithful adaptation. Like its interactive counterpart, COMMANDO is incredibly violent. It is also mindless, unbelievable, and absolutely hilarious.

Schwarzenegger stars as Col. John Matrix (why is he always named John?), a retired vet with a daughter named Jenny (Alyssa Milano). His daughter is kidnapped by a bunch of guys who want Matrix to kill a South American dictator for them. In an elaborate plan that involves airplanes, neck-snapping, and fluffy pillows, Matrix escapes the bad guys with eleven hours to rescue his daughter, expose his pectoral muscles, and find a way to fit the line "Don't wake my friend - he's dead tired," into the plot. Think he can do it?

The movie has so many mistakes that Arnold and his female companion (played by Rae Dawn Chong) are practically tripping over the continuity errors. Matrix is so strong he can rip seats out of cars, yet he is incapable of besting Bennett, a man a hundred pounds lighter, flabbier, and fatter than he is, in hand-to-hand combat. Perhaps the idiotic chainmail tanktop Bennett wears gives him super-strength. Also, watch the car chase with Sully (David Patrick Kelly). He flips his Porsche, shredding one side. A few minutes later, Matrix rights the car and drives it away, and the body is magically fixed. Come to think of it, all the cars in COMMANDO seem to carry supernatural powers. Matrix crashes his car headfirst into a pole, no seatbelt on, and barely even flinches. If he was wearing chainmail too, it might have made more sense.

The movie is stupid from start to finish, but the climactic battle scene, in which Matrix single-handedly kills an entire island worth of bad guys is truly a landmark of irrational cinema. After arming himself in the most sexual way possible, Matrix storms Dan Hedaya's compound (Alicia Silverstone is sadly nowhere to be found), killing every living thing he can get his hands on. When he runs out of guns he finds a toolshed and continues his rampage like a vengeful gardner. He kills at least 75 men without breaking stride, and then can't stop Bennett, a man who could easily be mistaken for a disgruntled member of the Village People.