Ice plays Johnny Van Owen (the rapper's real name is Rob Van Winkle), a hip-hopping biker with a heart of gold. He drives into a whiter-than-white suburban neighborhood on a neon yellow bike that has so much screen time it should have gotten a supporting actor credit. When one of Johnny’s buddy’s rides dies, they wind up crashing with two old hippies, who live across the street from Kat (Kristin Minter), a gorgeous girl Johnny’s got a thing for. They’re destined to be together, since they are complete opposites, have nothing in common, and hate each other at the start of the movie. To add just the right hint of realism, Kat’s parents happen to be in the Witness Protection Program and the people they are hiding from have just discovered their whereabouts.

The movie gives Ice the opportunity to stretch his acting chops as a lover, a biker, a dancer, a rapper, a fighter, and yes, even an action hero. All the while, he shares bits of Zen-like advice about being true to yourself. Everyone seems really moved by his magical words. Would you take advice from Vanilla Ice? And if you were to take advice from Vanilla Ice, would it be about being true to yourself? If he's true to himself, then Jack and Meg White really are brother and sister. If you're going to be true to yourself only because Vanilla Ice told you to, why not cut little lines into your eyebrows too?

It’s really hilarious to watch as Kat’s father forbids her to see the very dangerous and threatening Johnny, a man who wears huge multicolored baggy pants, oversized leather jackets with various inane slogans, and a shaved-brick haircut. I’m all for him not wanting his daughter to date someone like that, but is this really someone to fear? If anything, I’d fear for my daughter’s mental health. After all, she’s the one who finds something attractive in a guy who annoys her, then steals from her, then stalks her, then beats up her boyfriend. But the boyfriend’s a jerk, and Kat’s a horrible dresser too, so I guess it’s a match made in heaven after all.

The dialogue, even the lines not spoken by Ice, is laughable, and the plot, even the scenes not featuring Ice, is laughable, and the music, all of it done by Ice, is laughable. A truly brilliant, awful film.