LeBlanc’s character is named Jack “Deuce” Cooper. He can throw - no exaggeration - 125 mile an hour fastballs. Naturally, he has never played baseball on any team, and is a completely unknown talent when he discovered by the minor league Rockets and their manager Chubb (Jack Warden, last seen in GBU in Carrot Top’s CHAIRMAN OF THE BOARD). Even though Cooper can throw 125 mph fastballs, his coaches insist he throw poor curveballs. When Cooper’s curveball throwing ways keep the team and attendance in the toilet, ownership does what any desperate corporate entity does: hire a chimpanzee to fix the problem.

The problem-solving monkey initially arrives to become the team’s mascot, though it is never explained why a team named the Rockets would need a monkey for a mascot. Allegedly, this monkey came from the estate of Mickey Mantle, the first indication of foul play in this ludicrous movie. If there was a hyper-intelligent monkey out there, and it wasn’t in the custody of the government or the guy from CONGO, wouldn’t it logically have to come from the estate of Michael Jackson, where the ability to share a bed with a grown man and handle balls would come in handy?

Ed immediately displays a superhuman ability to field grounders and throw baseballs so fast they not only go right through fielders’ gloves, they actually ignite the glove into flames. My instincts suggest that a guy who could throw fireballs would be a danger to his teammates, and uncatchable throws a surefire route to costly errors, but Ed is immediately given a uniform and a last name - since putting “Ed” on the back of a baseball-playing monkey’s jersey would just be silly - and before you can say “HE’S A DAMN MONKEY YOU IDIOTS!” Ed is winning games single-handedly and drawing in the crowds. Oh marvelous, awe-inspiring joy.

There is always something on-screen to mock during ED. There’s LeBlanc, trying his darndest to be likable while shouting, “He’s not an animal Chubb, he’s a ballplayer!” There’s the ubiquitous love interest for Cooper, who emasculates him when he doesn’t commit numerous felonies in the name of his buddy Ed, leaves her child in the custody of a monkey so she can go out on a date, and even lets the monkey drive her daughter around in a car! The whole movie is made worse by the fact that Ed is so clearly not a real monkey, it’s a guy in a monkey suit. And while some of the puppetry is rather impressive, we never once believe we are watching a real monkey. Even if I buy a monkey can get along with humans without throwing its poop or delicing every warm body in the room, I can’t buy that he can hum the melody of the Star Spangled Banner. And even if I buy that, I refuse to accept that he pees in the toilet. And if you somehow convince me of that, I still cannot believe that a monkey can understand the tedious and complex rules of baseball. I know functioning, successful humans whose eyes glaze over when you talk about the Infield Fly Rule or the Double Switch. Ed takes it all in monkey stride.

I initially was going to put ED in the bad category, simply because I have a problem recommending on any level something this awful. But I have to admit, with a good deal of remorse, that I laughed frequently, with a mixture of scorn, confusion, and one time, disturbingly, eroticism. The ugly label has come to stand for the unexplainable, those movies that transcend their stupidity and move beyond simple divisions of good and bad. That description certainly applies to ED. No one could explain it, and no one should try. Sometimes, bad is bad.