You no doubt are familiar with Godzilla, but this film also features Rodan (giant pterodactyl) and King Ghidorah (three-headed dragon with wings); the later is actually the Monster Zero of the title. Our heroes, American astronaut Glenn (Nick Adams) and Japanese astronaut Fuji (Akira Takarada) are sent on a mission to make contact with newly discovered Planet X (The naughty planet has been hiding behind Jupiter). They arrive to find the Planet Xians, who wear Geordi La Forge visors and dress like Japanese leather fetishists, terrorized by Monster Zero, their fancy numerical name for King Ghidorah. Xians refuse to use names, they choose to identify things by numbers, hence King Ghidorah becomes Monster Zero. That Monster Zero is causing all sorts of trouble for Planet X, so The Controller of Planet X beseeches Glenn and Fuji to bring Godzilla and Rodan to Planet X to defeat Monster Zero.

It’s on this bizarre Planet X that the movie really takes off into ugly territory. Glenn and Fuji explore the surface of Planet X and note that the gravity is only two-thirds of that of earth. Of course this does not stop Glenn and Fuji from walking around like the gravity is that of a cheap planet set on a soundstage in Japan. When our intrepid explorers meet the restrictively clothed Xians, they are instructed to bring Godzilla and Rodan, referred to as “Monster Zero One” and “Monster Zero Two.” Now, call me crazy, but wouldn’t Monster One and Monster Two just have been a whole lot easier? Or, at the very least, more logical? Not a single character questions Monster Zero One and Monster Zero Two. Ah, the marvels of cheap dialogue dubbing.

The unsuspecting humans bring the monsters back to Planet X, and to the surprise of no one in the audience, they are double-crossed by the fiendish perverts from Planet X, who are so evil they are capable of laughing without moving their lips. While the astronauts and the rest of Earth is busy going about their lives, the Planet Xers infiltrate our society, even getting an alien to pose as a love interest for Glenn. When the chips are down, this alien, who is also a computer, (The less said about this subplot the better) sacrifices herself to help Glenn and Earth, because she regrets her spying and has found redemption in, as she puts it in a letter to Glenn, “a love beyond all computation.” It almost brings a tear to my keyboard’s colon and open parenthesis buttons.

Finally, the plot reaches a point where the monsters can battle, as Planet X invades Earth using all three monster in the assault. Eventually the aliens are repelled by an noisemaking invention by an associate of Fuji (Later reused by Tim Burton in his MARS ATTACKS!), but before all that mishegas can pan out, there’s a good fifteen minutes of wanton model city destruction. With three monsters and the military all blasting the holy hell out of each other, a lot of stuff gets smashed up good - you won’t see this much funny looking smoke anywhere else outside of a Phish concert. And, sure, the monsters look ridiculous now (In hindsight, a dancing Godzilla might have done more harm than good to his reputation as a fearsome creature), but the Toho team do conjure up some visceral visuals, like the tiles flaking off the roof of a crumbling house. On a side note, doesn’t it seem odd that a country that is hounded by giant fire-breathing monsters on an almost yearly basis would refuse to find a more sturdy building material for their houses than paper? I think at some point tradition has to be sacrificed for not getting squished.

MONSTER ZERO is pretty crummy, but it does have a certain innocent charm. I can see why Godzilla movies remain so popular with children, their plots are easy to follow and the sides clearly drawn, and there’s plenty of action and excitement, but never anything so convincing as to frighten. For those of us who are physically, if not mentally, mature, it’ll will entertain and draw plenty of unintentional laughs. Just please, whatever you do, try resist the urge to head to a crowded area, look up at the sky shout “GODZILLAAA! WE MUST FLEE!” and then push your way to the closest exit. These things always end in lawsuits. And I should know.