The movie itself is an even greater degradation of the sheer concept of ninjas, not to mention gymnasts, spies, and cinema in general. Kurt Thomas, a real Olympic gymnast, plays Jonathan Cabot, an Olympic gymnast. His father, a spy for the US government goes missing in action in The Game, and Jonathan is recruited to go take his place. Now The Game isn’t just a pointless physical competition, it is also a way in which an outsider can receive one wish from the King of the Parmistan - whose name is not, unfortunately, “King Chicken of Parmistan” - and the United States needs that wish to put a strategic satellite in orbit there to fight the dirty, dirty Communists, as the film takes place back in 1984 when beating the Russians was still our biggest concern. Convoluted enough for you?

Cabot is trained in martial arts which emphasize his mighty gymnastic skills (hence “Gymkata”) by the exiled Princess of Parmistan, who is identified as a mute, then suddenly starts talking about a half hour into the movie. That is the way things go in GYMKATA, an ingeniously inexplicable film from top to bottom. The only way this torrid affair could be explained to me was if you told me everyone who made it was on acid. And I mean everyone, right down to the grips and the caterers.

How else could explain things like the warehouse where Cabot is debriefed when he arrives in Parmistan, which is filled from floor to ceiling with what appears to be cocaine, and is being shoveled by several anonymous foreigners. Why is the US government hoarding coke? And what is the point of people shoveling it from one side of a giant mountain to another? Do you have to let cocaine breathe?

The real centerpiece of GYMKATA’s lunacy is Cabot’s gymkata fighting moves, which kick in around key pieces of architecture in Parmistan. When he’s chased by two European types, for example, Thomas finds a conveniently placed parallel bar from which he can swing around and kick them one at a time as they run into his feet (Even better - the bar is chalked). In the senses-shattering, not to mention sense-shattering, finale, Cabot is surrounded in the town square of the aptly named “Village of the Crazies” and his only means of defense is a well that is conspicuously shaped like a pommel horse, which he uses to twirl around and beat up the entire town. Let that sink in for a minute. He beats up an ENTIRE town... swinging on a POMMEL HORSE... shaped like a WELL.

Thomas has a weird persona. He’s sort of like a Ken doll with a disturbing tendency to flash his sweaty, well-toned groin to the camera. Seriously, dig the scene where he climbs the stairs in a handstand. His junk is so prominent it practically has its own flashing neon sign. The film as a whole is so wonky that it has to be seen to be believed, and it deserves to claim its rightful place as a full-fledged cult classic. I’ve often said, without irony or sarcasm, that just after L.A. CONFIDENTIAL and CITIZEN KANE, GYMKATA is my favorite film of all time, and easily the greatest ugly film ever made.