My formula for movie reviews requires a brief description of the plot right about here. But there is no plot in HEAD, absolutely none whatsoever that I could discern. You, dear reader who has probably never seen HEAD - and is a better person for it - could sum up this film just as well as I can. “A homoerotic romp through the western genre” works just fine, as does “The sound of breaking glass given cinematic form” or “Slow, painful death, delivered to you by a popular 60s rock group.” HEAD is a mind-numbing eighty-five minutes, and according to the IMDb, there’s a 110 minute director’s cut. Even if that version explains what all the jibber jabber was about, you could more easily convince me to eat my own hand than to sit through this film again.

As a child, I remember sitting with my Fisher Price record player and listening to the first Monkees record. “Last Train To Clarksville” is the first song I can remember trying to memorize all the words for so I could sing along to. Reruns of their show on Nickelodeon were among my earliest favorite television programs. As I sat through this abysmal movie, all I could think was “What would I have thought if I watched this movie as an 8 year old?” Can you imagine Lil’ Matt sitting through the Monkees getting mowed down in a scene out of a war scene, or being vacuumed out of Victor Mature’s hair? It would have scarred me for life. As it is, I didn’t walk out completely unscathed as a twenty-two year old.

From a trivia standpoint, the film is notable in that Jack Nicholson - yes THAT Jack Nicholson - co-wrote the “screenplay” with director Bob Rafelson. He also appears in one scene briefly which appears to breaking the fourth wall, though admittedly, the fourth wall in this movie is about as strong as wet tissue paper. Though not credited, I have to believe The Monkees also had a hand in the writing. How else do you explain scenes like the one in which a fetching girl aggressively makes out with one of them, stands, turns around, walks a few feet, picks out another Monkee, and proceeds to suck some more face, then repeats the whole process two more times?

Generally we expect plot in our movies, but they are by no means required. Take KENTUCKY FRIED MOVIE, a mash of rude, vulgar skits with no discernible connection between any of them that is also one of the funniest comedies I’ve ever seen. But that film has something to fill its screentime, namely edgy humor. HEAD really is just wasting time, ticking off the minutes until the credits can roll. Allegedly, the entertainment value really increases if you watch the movie under the influence of as many substances as the filmmakers were on, but since the movies doesn’t come with free drugs, I must insist that this movie is, in its own lingo, a total drag, for squares only.