HERCULES IN NEW YORK is a terrible movie, but it does serve to prove that our favorite last action hero has come a long way in the acting department. Today, Arnold can credibly play a witty super spy or a robot searching for his soul; in 1970, he struggles playing someone who can speak English. In flicks like KINDERGARTEN COP he may not be Olivier, but he's not Steven Seagal either (Nor is he "Arnold Strong" as he was credited originally).

Other than as a comparison point for a career retrospective, HERCULES has little else to offer to anyone looking for cinematic entertainment. Perhaps the only other movie of Arnold's that makes JINGLE ALL THE WAY seem like an appealing viewing choice, it follows the adventures of a bratty, obnoxious Hercules (Schwarzenegger) who is tired of living on Olympus with the rest of the gods. Like his brother Mars, he wishes to prance around or rather, "brouse araouuu." He gets his wish and winds up in New York where he can irk mortals while flexing his ridiculously large muscles. An equal opportunity nuisance, he upsets sailors, a taxi driver, an entire track and field team, and the vast majority of New York's Upper West Side. Herc also finds time to throw a javelin without a shirt on (sadly, no one is impaled) and flex in front of poster for a Steve Reeves Hercules movie declaring "Zat ees naht Hercooleeze!"

Schwarzenegger, who later went on to play a very credible Conan, plays Hercules like the Austrian version of the voice that comes out of Steven Hawkings's wheelchair. Whether he is angry, excited, or annoyed, the delivery and inflection is the same: utterly bereft of emotion. I won't even ask why a Greek god has an Austrian accent.

As if HERCULES wasn't embarrassing enough, the plot sticks Herc with a bug-eyed nebbish sidekick, who is named Pretzy because he sells Pretzels (I'm thinking of having my name changed to Reviewy). Pretzy is played by Arnold Stang and describing his voice as fingernails on a chalkboard would be paying it an undue compliment. Arnold and Arnold orbit around a mythology professor and his attractive young daughter but by the point they are introduced you've become so numb from the atrocious line deliveries and discussions on the merits of eating pretzels that you'll be lucky if you can will your eyes open.