Now, if you’ve never heard of these jokers, The Jerky Boys were two guys, Johnny and Kamal, who made prank calls, taped them, and then put them on CD. I first heard them on an unmarked tape that had found its way into the hands of a friend of mine when we were both in middle school. At that point, I didn’t even know they had a name, it was just this weird mysterious prank call tape. And it was hilarious; I still remember hearing for the first time the one in which Kamal, playing “Kissel,” learns that Uncle Freddy is dead and proceeds to very vocally mourn his tragic loss. Stupid, but fun, and the formula still works - just check out Comedy Central’s CRANK YANKERS.

In a case of art very loosely mirroring life, Johnny and Kamal play themselves, a couple of losers from Queens who love to prank call people. They play themselves so accurately that fans will recognize that the calls we see in the film are often word-for-word reenactments of real calls the duo made on their albums. What, you might wonder, is the fun of seeing willing actors pretending to be offended by calls they are not really having? The answer is “absolutely nothing.” The whole notion of a prank call is that is the unwitting participant and the improvisational nature of the conversation - absolutely anything can happen. Not only is this stuff canned, we already know what they are going to say!

Perhaps I’m being idealistic, but I think that a very interesting movie, if not a good one, could be made with these guys. If they were dead-set on making a film that let the Jerky Boys play the Jerky Boys, why not tape real phone calls, record the people having the conversations with hidden cameras, and then fashion a plot out of the results. Or can you imagine how cool a Charlie Kaufman scripted JERKY BOYS MOVIE would be? He’d do it; he’s written scripts about all sorts of weird real-life people, this impossible challenge would be right up his alley.

Johnny and Kamal, who can’t even act convincingly as THEMSELVES, wander their way through this movie like a couple of children who have taken too much medication. They get involved with the mob, after getting jealous of their neighbor Brett Weir’s Mafia connections. They call up the big boss as Frank Rizzo (rest assured fans, he instructs numerous people to open their ears), and eventually piss off the police, the FBI, and this film reviewer. The film also stars Alan Arkin and THE SOPRANOS’ Vincent Pastore, and to them and their families I am very sorry.

True to form, one of the screenwriters (The one who isn’t a Jerky Boy or a director) went on to write last summer’s very stupid XXX. THE JERKY BOYS FILM is a fitting start: some lame jokes, some painful stunts, one hero with a hellacious mullet, another with a penchant for looking apologetic for his participation in the film. As for the Jerky Boys, we don’t hear too much from them these days, but I guess that’s how things go when you make a couple of funny records and get a movie you don’t deserve. I’m not sorry I watched it, but I’m sorry it was made.