This movie is so incompetent, the title isn't even appropriate. There is no Phantom to speak of, and KISS don't even appear on screen for the first half-hour of this ninety-minute romp through weirdsville. The first third is a far-too-elaborate set up for the remaining hour of KISS performances with bad kung fu fighting interludes. A kooky amusement park inventor named Abner Deveraux (Anthony Zerbe) is pestered by his bosses to curb his wild animatronics experiments. Deveraux chides his superiors for wanting to give their patrons a good time with safe rides. He is a genius; nay, an artist! He cannot be bothered with such foolhardy matters as shoulder harnesses or non-lethal rides. He will perfect his method of animatronic barbershop quartet harmony, and nothing will stand in his way!

While performing three nights of concerts at the amusement park, KISS come to the aid of an attractive but vapid girl (played by Deborah Ryan) whose boyfriend works for Deveraux and who has disappeared under (cue ominous music) mysterious circumstances. KISS have their own interests at stake too, since Deveraux has created KISS robots who can perform his evil bidding while wearing black leather and face paint.

In the world of KISS MEETS THE PHANTOM, each member of the band has a handy-dandy superpower to thwart the forces of the not-so evil. The Star Child (Paul Stanley) can shoot a beam of energy out of one of his eyes, even in the shape of a star if he's so inclined. The Demon (Gene Simmons) has fire breath, reverb voice, and a way of walking that makes him look eternally constipated. Space Ace (Ace Frehley) can teleport the group and laugh like a parrot. Finally, Cat Man (Peter Criss) has the ability to sound remarkably like Duke from G.I. JOE and stick the word "cat" into every line he delivers (Example: "If this goes down, it'll be a CATastrophe!").

It would be hard to convince me that KISS were superheroes under the best of circumstances, but PHANTOM is bursting at the scenes with goofiness, intentional or otherwise. A breath of fire from The Demon has visible edges. Sound effects are stolen from STAR TREK and a thousand Scooby Doo cartoons (Joseph Barbera is an executive producer). Space Ace's stunt double looks to be a tall Asian man. And teenagers trapped by Deveraux fall down a tube, but terrible jump cuts send them in two directions at once. Either director Gordon Hessler is an unsung hero of the French New Wave, or this movie has shoddy editing. To tell the truth, I still haven't decided myself.

This movie has a high level of nincompoopery, but it is very entertaining. Deveraux, who might be the Phantom of the Park, sits in his lair stroking his chin while delivering lines like "Very well KISS... let the dance begin." And the fact that they dubbed Criss' voice and not Frehley's is mind-boggling; Frehley is so wooden the only way Criss could be worse in comparison is if he were speaking in tongues.

If you think you're not getting your money's worth, just thinking about the fans at these concerts KISS plays in the movie. Each show supposedly brings in $200,000, yet KISS plays, at most, 2 songs a concert. But I guess seeing KISS fly down to the stage and then duke it out with their Mexican-equivalent stunt doubles before laser blasting and fire breathing them into oblivion makes it worth it.