So begins one of my favorite ugly films, maybe the funniest bad superhero movie of all time, 1980’s THE PUMAMAN. I’m not an expert on ancient Aztec legends, but I find that statement suspect - Pumamen? Really? Even if the Aztecs did believe in alien-fueled dudes with Puma powers, I have to think they didn’t expect them to look like they do in this shoddy Italian-American production. If they’d seen this, they may have reconsidered their whole belief system and chose something more believable like, say, scientology.

The voiceover that accompanies that title card also informs us that The Pumaman is “a man with the blood of a God in his veins... a Pumaman.” Then, for really dramatic effect, the voice repeats over and over “The Pumaman... The Pumaman... The Pumaman.” As far as I’m aware, pumas are fairly indigenous to Earth, and not found on other planets, even the ones inhabited by Aztec gods, but again, I only took one undergraduate course on Central American Intergalactic Dieties, so I’m a bit rusty.

Walter George Alton plays Tony Farms, a paleontologist at a European university. With the help of a kooky mystic named Vadinho (Miguel Angel Fuentes), he discovers he is the latest in the long line of Pumamen, whose duty is to protect a mystical mask from the forces of evil. Initially, Tony is hesitant to trust Vadinho, particularly because in their first encounter the large Aztec tosses Tony out of a third story window. Later, Tony, still unconvinced that this man is trying to help him rather than kill him, tries to escape in his car but Vadinho holds on to the back bumper keeps the car in place. Tony desperately needs his ride pimped.

To combat his enemies, The Pumaman is given a variety of useless and poorly executed superpowers. When trouble is afoot he gets a throbbing headache, warning concerned onlookers that, “I get this way when I sense danger.” In darkness, he can see in infrared. Well, he can see in red anyway, as point-of-view shots are toned a deep red. He can walk through walls, though sometimes he messes that power up and crashes through them. He doesn’t have super-strength, but he can fly, or at least the best approximation of flying one can muster on such limited budget and cinematic talent. It’s difficult to put into words the exquisite delight one takes in watching Tony flail about in front of an unconvincing blue screen while chipper synthesizer music plays in the background. Even Vadinho, who is supposed to provide advice and spiritual guidance, can’t even bring himself to soft-peddle his criticism. “You are the worst I have ever seen,” he tells Tony and he means it.

In sum, The Pumaman can sense danger, see in the dark (and develop photographs with his gaze), walk through certain walls, and fly like Iron Man right after he falls off the wagon. Are any of those powers related in any way to a puma? Pumas are jungle cats right? The black ones? Maybe pumas used to be able to fly but they didn’t do it for a while so evolution got rid of their wings (Look at least I’m trying to explain this. The film just wants us to accept flying pumas at face value).

Tony’s nemesis is a delightfully hammy Donald Pleasence, playing a power-mad, vinyl-loving psycho named Kobras. Kobras enjoys making vaguely threatening statements at chubby pompous white people, and dressing from head to toe in shiny black vinyl and leather. From Kobras’ surly demeanor it’s obvious he is using his groinal discomfort as an excuse to be a real jerkhole. Sorry Kobras, no dice; get some baby powder or some athletic shorts and suck it up. Pleasence is clearly depressed to be in a film of such low quality - his named is even misspelled in the credits! - and doesn’t even bother to correctly pronounce his nemesis’ name. He constantly calls him the “P’you-muh-man,” which calls for the image of a different hero, one whose powers lie in his revolting body odor. I think I once roomed with “P’you-muh-man.”

When Vadinho is counciling young Tony on the ways of the Pumaman and proper fashion techniques - always select a cape that folds down into an inconspicuous poncho for everyday wear - he offers nuggets of Aztec wisdom and even suggests that there are other pumamen out there. “Man men have received special powers from the sky. But they do not know it.” he says. How I hope and pray I am one of the lucky few. I can’t wait for the day when a scary Aztec dude shows up at my door and chases me around then dumps me out of a window and I learn how to fly like a drunk and walk through walls. It’s gonna be sweet.