THE SHAPE OF THINGS TO COME. Quite an alluring title, full of mystery and promise. What, I wonder, is the shape of things to come? According to this Canadian science fiction disasterpiece, all our futures involve bloated overacting, effects held together by invisible tape, and robots so cumbersome they make Robbie The Robot look like I, ROBOT.

Based on an H.G. Wells novel, SHAPE occurs in the distant dystopia of "the tomorrow after tomorrow" (which would make it, when? Friday?), when Earth has been destroyed by "robot wars," which is what I constantly warn people about when they start watching BATTLEBOTS. Humanity now exists in colonies scattered about the galaxy. It sounds like quite a tragedy, but when SHAPE OF THINGS' heroes return to Earth in search of someone, the ruined, lifeless rock looks like a lovely fall afternoon in the Canadian wilderness. The worst you can say about the place is an overcast sky, but I've never felt that seasonal clouds is a valid reason for planetary abandonment.

The colonic system (I made that word up, but let's stick with it) hinges on a constant supply of a drug called Radic-Q2, which only comes from Delta Three and, unfortunately, its government has just been overthrown by the power-mad Omus, played by Jack Palance in all his squinty, scowling glory. A couple of well-meaning kids, a barely-functional robot, and a doctor dying of radiation poisoning whenever it is convenient for the plot, steal a spaceship and head off to stop Omus’ plans for interstellar domination.

THE SHAPE OF THINGS may not sound appealing, and that is because it is not. But the cheap special effects never let up, making it perfect viewing material for the mentally unstable and fans of terribly made sci-fi. The idea of an audience of any age being convinced of this film's fabricated reality is unfathomable. The future is uncertain, but I am confident that space stations won't look like aluminum siding warehouses and intergalactic citadels won't look like the basements of underfunded elementary schools.

If your prefer your cheap plastics in actors instead of set dressings, may I recommend the performance of one Carol Lynley as Nikki, the deposed ruler of Delta Three, whose performance makes the conventional everyday bad acting of TV movies on the Lifetime Network seem like the finest performance of John Barrymore as Richard III. As Lynley trips over the simplest dialogue, I kept looking for an excuse for her genuinely awful performance, like she didn't speak English or didn't realize she was on camera. Sadly, none materialized.

To be fair, she's not upstaged by anyone else in the cast and the screenplay is about as literate as bathroom stall graffiti. My favorite line of dialogue: "We should get through the tunnels all right but the citadel -- it's like a fortress!" OF COURSE it's like a fortress! That's why it's called a citadel, BECAUSE A CITADEL IS LIKE A FORTRESS! Why do I think that zinger didn't come straight from the original H.G. Wells novel?