A whiter-than-white American family is torn asunder when their son Joshua (Michael Stephenson) refuses to stop having conversations with his dead grandfather. Mom and Dad (Margo Prey and George Hardy) scold Joshua, but he is adamant: Grandfather comes at night and reads him bedtime stories about unconvincing looking goblins who make people eat green stuff so that they can, in turn, eat the humans. See the goblins are vegetarians, so they can’t eat the meat we humans have inside us, hence the special food to prep us for eating. Questions such as “Why do vegetarian goblins eat human flesh instead of vegetables?” and “Where do these strange goblins come from?” sadly passed over the heads of the creators of TROLL 2.

Despite Joshua’s protests, the family takes part in some sort of family-exchange program, where a family from a farm moves into the suburban home of Joshua and company, and they head out to the farm. Coincidentally, the plot device - excuse me - “farm” is in a town named Nilbog, which if you know your backwards spelling, is the palindrome of goblin. There, the family refuses to listen as Joshua warns them not to eat the food, then becomes extremely uppity when goblins nearly kill them.

Some of the plot is amusing, especially when it diverts its attention long enough for a witch to seduce a man with a huge ear of corn which the two fellate with disturbing relish in a sex scene that would seem outlandish in the pages of Penthouse Forum (and which culminates in the participants being showered with waves of popcorn). But TROLL 2’s most charming aspect is the tactless, thudding dialogue which shocks you with its crassness in scene after scene. Here now, is a small sampling:

“They’re eating her...then they’re going to eat me! OH MY GOD!”

“Get me out of here Drew, just get me out of here. Hurry before that crazy lady comes back!”

Joshua, waking from a nightmare: “No, don’t eat me! Was I dreaming?”

Joshua: “Grandpa, are you really in hell?”
Grandpa: ”No! But I know a trick that a friend of mine who was there taught me!”

The height of TROLL madness comes shortly after the family has arrived in Nilbog to find a feast laid out for them, which Joshua recognizes as a sneaky goblin trick. Grandpa arrives on the scene to council Joshua but refuses to help him, instead freezing time momentarily to allow Joshua to act himself. Sensing the desperation in the air, Joshua reluctantly accepts his fate. He climbs on the dinner table and, as time restarts, he shouts “I must do it! I must do it!” and unzips his pants. We don’t see the golden shower, but we do get to see the hilarious repercussions, as Joshua’s father brings him to his room and scolds him with the unforgettable line: ““You know what this means? Hospitality! And you can’t piss on hospitality! I WON’T ALLOW IT!” Try telling that to R. Kelly.

In a Rolling Stone article about A MIGHTY WIND, Christopher Guest explains his belief “that the basis of comedy is people not doing things well.” It’s a very interesting theory, and one that positions TROLL 2 among the greatest achievements of comedic cinema, even if it was a straight-to-video horror movie. Say what you will about its quality, I won’t allow you to piss on it! I WON’T ALLOW IT!