The too-far-a-fetch-for-Lassie premise invites us into the world of outlandish and decadent goth metal. A Marilyn Manson-type rocker named Slade Craven (John Mann) decides to hold his farewell concert on a 747 in flight. I have no idea why anyone would want to do such a thing. We are told he is at the apex of his career, so it is unclear why a farewell is necessary. Nor is it explained why a farewell concert for goth’s greatest star is being held on This is edgy? The interpretation of “goth” in this film appears to be culled from MTV interviews with Good Charlotte and the writer’s memories of the outlandish behaviors of the hair metal bands of the 80s.

Craven’s farewell concert also marks two others farewells; that of the careers of Rutger Hauer and Joe Mantegna, who appear in supporting roles in the film. Hauer plays the important role of the plane’s copilot. Hauer is so utterly unconvincing as a pilot that I kept waiting for the people looking for Frank Abagnale from CATCH ME IF YOU CAN to storm the cockpit and arrest him as a fake. Mantegna plays a cop who watches events unfold from the ground in a role that could be completely excised from the finished film without anyone noticing or caring. Mantegna could not look more bored if he tried; in his final scene when a relieved TV producer tries to thank him and shake his hand out of appreciation, Mantegna ignores him, and walks away in disgust. He does not appear to be acting.

The final piece of this unsolvable puzzle is Craig Sheffer, who plays a hacker, man of the people, and confused fan of goth music (His concept of goth is pastel blue shirts with matching bandanas). He says things like “Dude, that is totally awesome!” and he means them. He hacks in to the airplane’s feed to watch Mr. Craven’s concert at the very moment an FBI agent tries to arrest him, AND at the very moment that terrorists, including someone who appears to be Mr. Craven, hijack the airplane. Naturally, Sheffer’s Nick is the only character in this NASHVILLE-of-terrible-movies capable of fixing things. So he totally hacks in to computers and totally helps to land the plane using a computer flight simulator. And no, I totally didn’t make that up.

In case you’re wondering, the pervasive dumbness doesn’t stop with the airplane concert idea, which takes place in a magical impossible place between first class and coach which I dubbed “The Impossible Zone.” In the film’s funniest goof, Craven wakes up bound in a storage closet somewhere on the plane. The only problem is the floor of this “closet” is clearly made out of concrete, which is a building material engineers tend to avoid when designing airplanes.