eyes mirrored with angst

stared cautiously upon sealed lips

that do not answer when asked

for her pride was at risk

-----------------------------------<

    this is the result of the equation ive been denying to answer. Failure was once again within my grasp and i held on to it like the gravity pulling me down to the core of this planet.

    knowing that some is looking at you. wanting to say something but simply cant. and you cant figure out if its pity, hatred, or regret. the story of a girl.
 

    three courses to unravel. organic chemistry. analytical chemistry. anatomy and physiology. both lecture and laboratory each. that makes 6. oh wait ive got one more. calculus.

june 28 - the choice

my friends over you - new found glory

*but now i know it was only a scar. a mark. nothing more*

i stand now with lost seethe
that murdered my sick soul
now i walk with my own feet
to restore a plan once foiled

    a choice was made and hopefully it is for the best. i zipped my lips against the angst ive been living and let the june flowers rain onto my path i once ignored. and i chose this path.

    i was not hopeful to avenge my death but at least today i rose from my grave, still carrying the scar i was condemned with but now i know it was only a scar. a mark. nothing more.

june 27 - poetry

blinded - third eye blind

*how can i live right while swimming in the sea of oblivion?*

Forgive me for being a man
Rational but immaturely human
Sinful and lone of his disgrace
Yes i am a man in everyway
And i am sorry

    this sunday was no different from my other sundays. after mass i indulged myself into writing. i added one more piece in my account. and got more and more flattering flames and reviews. it was my break from the reality. i maybe writing right now but my actual need was in reading. reading my lessons, that is, so i did but for only a short period. i was distracted by a loud television show and even if i try to get back to studying, my attention was still dragged to the tv like gravity. this day was a day of waiting. i wait for tomorrow. i wait to see what i will become tomorrow. i know i cannot ignore my past as it never stops haunting me in my dreams and thoughts. how can i live right while swimming in the sea of oblivion? tomorrow im hoping to make the impossible only a word made by the weak. tomorrow is a day of choice.

june 25 - change

somewhere out there - our lady peace

*i can feel the change, the acceptance and the reality leaning towards my existence*

Walking past the moments
Growing younger as i hide
My sorrows' endless haunts
And pains that don't subside

    if only i was the master of time, i would choose this one moment in my life where i was mourning in solitude to freeze. and earn back my valuable time.
 

    i felt the torture of betrayal and ingenuity casted upon my back. i am still fighting for survival my sanity. this time i will fight not for others but for myself. call it selfishness i wouldnt care. this time ill help myself to wake up from the dream that i with someone once made while i let them enjoy the dream they thought was so real and suffer the consequences along with their fantasies. "sleep and when you wake up be ready to face the real world."
 

    to relieve my soul i searched for pieces valued by modern writers. fictionpress was my cure. reviewed and commented on some interesting pieces that i can
relate to. funny, it seems that before i felt so alone. i even began to question God for the burden he had laid upon me. as i read each of emotional yet meaningful lines i began to see myself in others which i thought was impossible. i though i was alone. flamed in vague writing and compliments was my grace. my mind was set to absolute
obscurity and darkness that i started to get used to it and unmindful of it. i can feel the change, the acceptance and the reality leaning towards my existence. soon, i will be brought to life.

june 23 - crying clowns

candleburn - dishwalla

*do i even need an answer anymore?*

can you see the fire burning?
can you feel the pain inside?
can you see me ever-mourning?
since you got off to another ride
 

    you frown because you learned my reality and you smile because you dont know there is a truth that lies behind my smile and their worry. pity.

    the heavy dark clouds once again found its way to hide my shadow from the sun. literally and figuratively. i entered a room but they still rained down on me. i was greeted by foreign faces of the deep. entrapped within the face of the crying clowns. their sorrow somehow deformed my lips to an almost genuine smile. i noticed that i cannot almost feel the fire that is burning inside me but it did not stopped me to wonder. is it that i have already gotten used to its flame? or is the fire out? do i even need an answer anymore?

june 22 - the return

running away - hoobastank

*im coming back*

i shudder seeing my past
though i knew we wont last
i pursued and became selfish
but what i got was never a bliss

    i maxed out the volume as the music plays. i pictured you and i felt pity cause now i somehow managed to be half-awake from the truth while your eyes. shuttered by a false truth that you serve with great faith. im not running away anymore and im coming back.

june 20 - more of the less

umaaraw, umuulan - rivermaya

*its glitters somehow gave my life a temporary significance*

for a time ive never felt this way
clinging to such euphoric pleasure
that i embraced with the skies' cry
as it rains down each other's lore
every little bit of detail was real


    Drops of water dripping down from the edge of the rooftop started to sparkle as the sunlight approaches its beauty. its glitters somehow gave my life a temporary significance and i knew from my past's mistakes, that i have to get up and set aside my own reality and face the real truth. i am not alone but i have to help my self to wake me up from depression that has been haunting me day and night. realizing my mistakes i tried to get back to my old friends that i left behind for something so selfish. despite my crimes, their amity denied my expectation and again i was a part of them. real friend huh? i prayed for a long time that i would be one. and i become one. but my prayers were short and in return i was blinded. i learned my lessons.

    i met up with and old pal at the university to check up my schedule. mine. i was so thankful for his company. it may be because of his pity that is quite undeniable when i look in his eyes. though it also tells me that hes glad that im back. i was 7 hours early. i knew ive got to waste these precious time so we crashed to yentl's board but unfortunately she was not home. and fortunately i have a back up plan. watch-a-movie also called waste-your-goddamned-money-and-time. dawn of the dead and. hmm. what is it again. you know, starring the rock. oh, i remember, walking shit. i mean walking short. uhmm i think its walking tall. its on me.

    im getting tired of travelling from parañaque to manila then back again. i wanted to rent an apartment or maybe a condo unit so we checked out galleria and other good-looking and safe condo locations. talked about it. then it's time for the orientation.

june 19 - flash backs

nice to know you - incubus

*she was almost an immortal star. she was not afraid of the sun. but she was afraid of the night*

im still dragged by the endless possibilities
but my bruised shoulders started to numb
from this journey i again started to rest
to recieve a vision from the unwanted sands

    my eyes are tired from wasting each second that passes. the tick of the clock still echoes my eardrums. i needed to get out of my self. i went outside and up the terrace. my terrace. the floor was dried out from the noon rain and its coldness pulls me down to the ground like gravity. i was relieved to see my stars. each one of them stole almost every bitterness of my heartache. i was here before in this very spot. this is where i was supposed to pour my heart out to the infinite darkness of the night while the stars and moon was covered by rain clouds that embraced my soul. this time was very different as i have sworn before that this in the same spot i will look back to past, dance with the night clouds and smile. and this is it.

    the past was good. the tears was well spent and the smiles were a blessing. memories of the batangas escape captured my negative thoughts of my questionable class absences. i drew them with amazing colors that will bring the experience back to life.

    it was all good. then i reiceved a message from an unwanted visitor of thoughts. sincerity was a question to drop my mind on her beautiful words. she was an almost immortal star. she was not afraid of the sun. but she was afraid of the night.

june 18 - the butterfly's colors

echo - incubus

*but still the pieces are missing*

flowers in november

you stood above me
and i was your shadow
forcing my way to sheer
and your path to follow

you moved the clouds
and hid yourself from me
with company of gods
rained flowers on me
 

    Your right, raining season's just began. but for me, it's always like this. raining. it never stops. the pouring rain. the loud thunder. the sparkling lightning. the howls. the ever cold. it never stops. i lose sight of warmth of the sun. the embracing color of the sky. the whispering plain breeze. and here i was damned. in blurring gray. with each drop of cold water piercing my very soul. weakening me. denying my existence. as the wind howls away a reason. the reason. my only. i knew. i can never take it back. ever. and again i was in search for another reason. and i fight. for survival. for purpose. for sanity. not for a reason. and it is human instinct that dictates my action. get up after a fall. find what is lost. smile. cry. and for time, the rain starts to enfeeble. and the sun was once again casted above the sky. and my path was revealed. but still. the rain never stops.

    sometimes we cant help but ask why are we saddled with much complicated dilemmas. the answer was scattered in pieces of glass that maybe impossible to be brought back. to see my self smile again. but her lyrics was something like a miracle that somehow giving out the layout of the incomplete puzzle. but still the pieces are missing.

    i was defeated by my emotions and i started to break promises again. i was not late but i was nowhere to be found. i was hinding from the reality that has been pushing me to the edge of my sanity. only to be found by something irrational that amuses my character. something digital and technical. i know i was hiding but i did it anyway. my fear was the rescue of me. im in need of something i was not aware of and im crying for help in a whisper.

    there was a truth hiding behind my tongue. an ugly yet so beautiful truth. a truth that will take me to my advantage yet leave a fallen traitor cold covering one eye of a goddess in rue. the truth was a stalking shadow fading out from the light of a cursed angel in the body of a butterfly. i saw the true colors of your wings through the sunlight.

june 17 - nightmares

promises - adema

*i was tired and i was about to fall*

i wanted to cry and i need it
but tears dropped the other way
sorrow and my lips just wont meet
i dont really know what to say
i just want to see you anyway
----------------------------------
your eyes lurks amidst this furnace
i breathed the very orange glow
just to wander into your pretty face
where emeralds and rubies flows
----------------------------------
your writings on my grave
marks the sorrow i endure
flowing in echoes and waves
your deadly words, so untrue
----------------------------------
then the music came to a stop
a song heard of a different tune
as the motion of your sinful lips
ended the night in a gloom
----------------------------------
swimming across a foreign sea
desperately looking for nothing
and now im weak down to my knees
Carrying back this old feeling
----------------------------------

    im still on the run and left some deep footprints in the dirt mud of my path. i was nowhere to be found. i hide from the foreign chants for my revival. with terrible solitude i even left my body to live alone as a lost and lonely soul. i have to run faster to catch up and finally wake up from the nightmare i, myself generated from the factory of the dark. i dragged my soul while i stare not on the finish line but to my competitors. i was tired and i was about to fall. i bled for a promise. i will cary the untouched loads of my book.

june 16 - confusion

down - blink182

*i felt the time to let go but somehow they wont let me*

i wish there are no forever
i wish i can live with glee
now i hate you more than ever
but why not when your face i see
damn. do i love you or hate you?

    pain was my imaginary friend. always there for me no matter what. introduced me to loneliness and to hatred. we shared a good resemblance of the sands of time that has been turned over by an hour glass. now i felt the time to let go. but somehow they wont let me.

    i missed your gentle lips deformed to a smile. your blissful hands that defies the rules of gravity. your sweet invincible voice that sings me a song to satisfy my every emotions. your infinite eyes that helped me see yours. yet i hated someone's fantasy that has come true and was written in the foundation that we built.

    it was not only gravity thats pulling me down. you are a devil inviting me down to hell. and im fighting you for months but still your determination to bring me down was quite impossible.

june 15 - fear of end

nobody's listening - linkin park

*i suddenly got the fear that it will end soon*

i enjoyed this one moment
when suddenly i was freed
from my heart's sad dent
and that it stops to feed
from the thought of you

    ive been waiting for so long for this damned day to fall on me. it was linkin park live on manila and im gonna see it live. this day i started something that i knew will be a trend to my false life. skipping classes.

    the long-waited rock event of the year has finally came to be. linkin park live in manila. ive been hearing from them since the one step closer from hybrid theory to breaking the habit in meteora and now they are finally here. another good thing is im gonna see it. front row.

    the 7am sunlight woke me up with the worry of analytical chemistry classes that had just started while im still here in my freezing room. i know its too late to get up and im still quite tired from yesterday's class so i would want to sleep more so i did.

    10 loud gongs of the clock's bells told me to get out of bed and the sun will be very high soon and i can still make it to biological science laboratory at 1pm. breakfast was a big no-no for me so i hanged out with my computer and typed up some stuff.

    its an hour before noon when i decided not to attend the lab classes anymore. besides ive got to be early if i really wanted the front row for the concert.

    the concert was scheduled 8 in the evening but i got there 3 hours before the concert expecting a big crowd.

    it was 15 minutes after 8 when linkin park started to play some loud music. so there i was jumping around and banging my short-haired head with local bands like rivermaya and greyhoundz. mtv people are there too. kc montero and. and. omg. sarah meier. and. and. omg. grandpas and grandmas. and. and. 7-year old kids. and. and. a family looking for a picnic spot. now i started to wonder. is linkin park belongs to rock genre?

    the drums just kept on rolling but i suddenly got the fear that it will end soon. rats

    they ended the concert with their always-finale one step closer at 930. well, at least they had 20+ songs.