The Funnies
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The Funnies |
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Steven Wright Comments If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen...and replaced by exact duplicates. Here are some more of his gems: I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back. 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met. OK, so what's the speed of dark? How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink? Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now. I intend to live forever -- so far, so good. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. What happens if you get scared half to death twice? My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. "Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. |
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A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Ok F--- , I'm in deep shit now." (He was a Norweigan Elkhound).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Jesus, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. (Norweigan paranoia) The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine Bitch." Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What the hell am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that f---ing monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!" |
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Sardarji
was standing in front of the mirror with his eyes closed. His wife asked what you are doing ? He said - I'm seeing how I look while sleeping. |
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Sardar :
Why
r all these people running? Man : This is a race, the winner will get the cup. Sardar : If only the winner will get the cup, why r others running? |
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| A German, an Australian, and a Mexican are on a plane. They say that they can tell where they are by sticking their hands out of the pane. The German sticks his hand out and says "We are in Germany". The others ask, "How do you know", the German says, "Cuz' it's so cold". Then the Australian sticks his hand out and says "We are in Australia", the others ask "How do you know", he replies "Cuz' it's so warm". Then the Mexican sticks his hand out and back in. He says " We are in Mexico", the others ask "How do you know", he says " Cuz' my watch in gone". | ||||
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President Bill Clinton called Jean Chretien with a pressing
emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried,"My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!""Bill, da Canajian pipple would be 'appy to do anyt'ing wit'in der power to 'elp you," replied the Prime Minister. "I do need your help," said Clinton. "Could you possibly send us 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Certainement! I will get on hit right haway." said Jean. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said President Bill. "Oui?" "Could the condoms be red, white and blue, and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" asked Clinton. "No prob'lem," replied the Prime Minister, and with that, Chretien hung up and called the president of Trojan. "I need a favor. You got to make 1,000,000 condoms right haway, an sen'em to Hamerica." "Consider it done," said the President of Trojan. "Great! Now listen mon ami. Dey haf to be bleu, blanc 'n rouge in color; hat least 10 hinches long, and 4 hinches in dia' meter." "That's easily done. Anything else?" "Yes," said the Prime Minister, "an print on dem MADE IN CANADA, size: MEDIUM." |
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An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work
on the scaffolding of a tall building. They were eating lunch. The
Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and
cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time, I'm going to jump off too." The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." Next day the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a burrito and jumps too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna and jumps to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping. She says, "I I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch." |
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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students,
pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?" |
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U know, laughter can increase ur
life span, so keep LAUGHING !!
Teacher : What happened in 1869? Teacher :Because of Gandhiji's hard work
what do we get on 15th
August. Teacher:"What is your name?". |
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The Beauty Of English
Try filling this blank with Yes or No. “________ , I am not a Good Person…”
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A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?" POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home." LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case? Does either of you have a real grudge?" POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one." LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?" POLE: "All my relations still in Poland." LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?" POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player." LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?" POLE: "No, I always up before her." LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?" POLE: "No, she white." LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?" POLE: "She going to kill me." LAWYER: "What makes you think that?" POLE: "I got proof." LAWYER: "What kind of proof?" POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'."
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A wife was
making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen."Careful .. CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh Good Grief! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh Good Grief ! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful ... CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" The wife stared at him. "What on earth is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs? The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving. |
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Differences Between You and Your Boss When you take a long time, you're slow. When your boss takes a long time, he's thorough. When you don't do it, you're lazy. When your boss doesn't do it, he's too busy. When you make a mistake, you're an idiot. When your boss makes a mistake, he's only human. When doing something without being told, you're overstepping your authority. When your boss does the same thing, that's initiative. When you take a stand, you're being bull-headed. When your boss does it, he's being firm. When you overlooked a rule of etiquette, you're being rude. When your boss skips a few rules, he's being original. When you please your boss, you're apple polishing. When your boss pleases his boss, he's being co-operative. When you're out of the office, you're wandering around. When your boss is out of the office, he's on business. When you're on a day off sick, you're always sick. When your boss is a day off sick, he must be very ill. When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview. When your boss applies for leave, it's because he's overworked |
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At the time of creation The DONKEY was created and told to work tirelessly from dawn to dusk, not have any intelligence but will live for 50 years. HE will be a DONKEY!!!!" The DONKEY said that living for 50 yrs is too much and wanted only 20 yrs He got it The DOG was created and told to look after man's house, be his best friend, eat whatever he gives him and live for 25 yrs. He will be a DOG!!!!" The DOG said that living for 25 yrs is too much and wanted only 10 He got it The MONKEY was created and told to jump from branch to branch, do silly things, be amusing and live for 20 yrs. He will be a MONKEY!!!!" The MONKEY said that living twenty years is too much and wanted only 10 yrs He got it Finally MAN was created and told to be a MAN, the only rational being on this earth. He will use his intelligence to control other animals and dominate the world. He will live for 20 yrs. Man said that he will be a MAN, but living for 20 yrs is not enough. Why doesn't he get the 30 yrs that the DONKEY refused, the 15 years that the DOG didn't want and the 10 yrs that the MONKEY refused? He got it. Since then, Man lives for 20 yrs like a MAN, then get married, and spend the next 30 yrs like a DONKEY, working and carrying the load on your back. Then when his children leave him, he spend 15 years like a DOG looking after the house and eating whatever is given to him, then he gets old, retire and spend the next 10 years a MONKEY, jumping from house to house or children to children, doing silly things to amuse his Grand-children!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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| Avtar & Kartar used to stay in same building . Avtar on the Ground floor & Kartar on the 25thfloor. One day when the lift was not working, Kartar invited Avtar for a Dinner. Avtar trudged up to 25th floor to find Kartar's flat closed from outside and had a note which read : 'How did you enjoy your dinner ? ' Not to be outdone , Avtar wrote under it, 'Sorry , I could not make it .' | ||||
| Santa Singh and Banta singh are sitting in a bar sipping Black Label Johnny walker when Banta singh noticed a gorgeous blonde sitting by herself in a corner. As he was getting up to talk to her. Bar Tender said "Hey don't worry about her, She is lesbian! ". Banta singh "Lesbian or no lesbian, I get all of them" Then leaping forward in a very sexy voice he said "Where exactly in Lesbia, you from?" | ||||
| Santa Singh and Banta Singh landed up in Bombay. They managed to get into a double-decker bus. Santa Singh somehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Banta got pushed to the top. After a while when the rush is over, Santa went upstairs to see friend Bannta Singh. He met Banta in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death. He says, "Are Banta Singh ! What the heck's goin' on? Why are you so scared ? I was enjoying my ride down there ? Scared Banta replies. "Yeah, but you've got a driver." | ||||
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Employment Our sardarji was filling up an application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled NAME, AGE, ADDRESS etc. Then he came to the column Salary Expected: He was not sure as to what to be filled there. After much thought he wrote: Yes |
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| Banta Singh went to eat in ramshackle hotel. To his surprise the waiter who came to serve him happened to be one of his classmate at school. Banta called him and said 'Aren't you ashamed of working in a seedy joint like this?' 'Not at all,' replied the classmate. 'I would be ashamed if I ate my meal here. I only work in this place.' | ||||
| Sardar Gurbachan Singh is appearing for his University final examination. He takes his seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes his shoes off and throws them out of the window. He then removes his turban and throws it away as well. His shirt, pant, socks and watch follow suit. The invigilator, alarmed, approaches him and asks what is going on. "Oye, I am only following the instructions yaar," he says, " it says here, 'Answer the following questions in brief'." | ||||
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Lottery |
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr.
Watson |
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HOTEL KALASIPALYA On a dark city one-way 'Nariyal Tel' in my hair The smell of 'Batata Vada' was rising up through the air up ahead in the distance I saw a green tube lite My tongue grew heavy and my stomach grew thin
I had to stop for a bite |
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A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th Grade class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Stevie ?" "Well teacher,I just saw one of your garters." "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days." The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny Billy?" "Well miss, I just saw both of your garters." Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks." Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom. "Where do you think you are going?" she asks. "Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over." |
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Little Johnny came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where are Mom and Dad? " and she replied, "They're up in bed " so the little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play. Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "Where are Mom and Dad?" and she replied "They're still up in bed " and the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play. Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma "Where are Mom and Dad?" and his grandmother replied "They're still up in bed" and the little boy started to laugh and his grandmother asked "What gives? Every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here? " and the little boy replied, "Well, last night Daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him.....super glue instead." |
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A guy is speeding when a cop starts to chase him. The guy tries to outrun the cop, but the cop catches him. The cop walks up to the guy's car and says, "If you can give me one good reason why you were trying to outrun me, I'll let you go." The guy says, "My wife left me for a cop, and when I saw you in my rearview mirror, I thought you were him, bringing her back to me." |
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A jet ran
in to some turbulent weather. To keep passengers calm, the air hostess
brought out the beverage carts. "I'd like a soda " said the passenger in the front row. Moving along, the air hostess asked the man behind her if he would like something. "Yes I would," he replied. "Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!". |
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A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company. One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch. The dog thinks, "Ok F--- , I'm in deep shit now." (He was a Norweigan Elkhound).... Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Yummy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?" Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me." Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up. (Norweigan paranoia) The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine Bitch." Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What the hell am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet. And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that f---ing monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!" |
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A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before
I
can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2
hours." The guy leaves. A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves. A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves. The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" ... Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!" |
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How do you name your children? A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go." |
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Thought 1:
When we are born, our mother's get the compliments and the flowers. When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity. When we die, our widows get the life insurance. What do women want to be liberated from?
Thought 2: The average man's life consists of - twenty five years of having his mother ask him where he is going; Forty years of having his wife ask the same question; And at the end, the mourners wondering too. Thought 3: A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind: u take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you. The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh, yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
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Confession
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited. "You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business and had an affair with his boss's wife. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people." Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."
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In case you need more
evidence that the human race
is doomed through stupidity,
here are some actual label
instructions on consumer
goods.
On a Sear's hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair). On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special)? On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....) On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion). On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh)! On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...) On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)? On Boot's Children Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.) On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....) On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)? On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash) On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?) On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.) On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?) |
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An office manager was
given the task of hiring
an individual to fill a
job opening. After
sorting through a stack
of resumes he found four
people who were equally
qualified. He decided to
call the four in and ask
them one question and
their answer would
determine who would get
the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked "What is the fastest thing you know of?" pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied "A thought. It pops into your head. There's no forewarning that it's on the way, it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer. And now you sir? He asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see, a blink! It comes and goes and you don't even know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer "The blink of an eye. That's a very popular cliché for speed." as he turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch, when you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant." Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to the fourth man, he posed the question. "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is diarrhea." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I'd sh*t in my pants!" He got the job.
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First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy
class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery
table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started
the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have two
important qualities as a doctor: the first is that you not be disgusted
by anything involving the human body." For an example, the professor
pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse,
withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing,"
he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several
minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the
dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor
looked at them and told them, The second most important quality is
observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger.
Now learn to pay attention!" |
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| A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The girl replied, "I'm drawing God." The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like." Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute." | ||||
| A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face.." "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty." | ||||
 
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Bottle of Wine
A man enters his favorite ritzy restaurant and while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at a nearby table all alone. He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her, knowing that, if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the woman, saying this is from the gentleman over there. She looks at the wine and sends a note over to the man. The note reads: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and seven inches in your pants." The man, after reading her note, chuckles, and sends a note of his own back to her, and it read: "Just so you know, I happen to have a Ferrari Testarosa, a BMW 850 and a Mercedes 600 SL, in my garage, and I have over twenty-five million dollars in the bank. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. JUST SEND THE BOTTLE BACK." |
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This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny,
nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She
replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you
know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees
and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep. A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?" |
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It is lengthy but interesting and worth reading. This will help you turn your pissed off day into a Glorious Day!!! Here we go.... When you have a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone! Don't take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out on someone you DON'T know... Now get this... I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're an Asshole!" and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Asshole," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell, "You're an Asshole!" It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caIler ID. This was a real setback for me; I would have to stop calling the Asshole. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and when I heard his voice, "Hello?" I made up a name. "Hi. I'm with the Telephone Company and I'm just calling to see if you'd be interested in our caller ID program? "No!" he shouted and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an Asshole!"
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After his checkup, the doctor
called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die: Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. “Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on TV. “And, most important make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.” On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?” “You’re gonna die,” she replied |
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Bed Business You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go
up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing. |
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