Borderline Personality Disorder
After I had given birth to my daughter back in 2002, it was thought that I had a bad case of Post Partum Depression. In fact I believe I did have it but it may have not been as severe as I had intially thought. I had received no support, something traumatic had happened the night of my daughter's birth, and because of not being able to deal with stress and change very well I wasn't able to cope. I also question the severity of it because after having my son back in 2004, I knew what to expect, I prepared myself for the change before the birth, everyone was supportive and I did not really get post partum depression other than having a few bad moments. it is said that there is a 75% chance of recurrance after each subsequent birth, whether anything is planned out well or not. So was it that having the Borderline Personality all along, and the baby blues just made it seem worse than it really was? I am not saying I didn't have Post Partum Depression but I am not sure how severe it really was. I did a lot of things during that time as well that I normally would never have done otherwise. I will go over the symptoms of BPD and tell you what parts of it I relate to.
Individuals with BPD have several of the following symptoms:
marked mood swings with periods of intense depression, irritability, and/or anxiety lasting a few hours to a few days;<--OH YES
inappropriate, intense, or uncontrolled anger;<--used to be terrible but better with it now
impulsiveness in spending, sex, substance use, shoplifting, reckless driving, or binge eating;<-- when I had the Post Partum Depression I racked up thousands of dollars on my credit card and ended up in big time debt, since then I have never touched a credit card since, I used to also have problems with the reckless driving but not anymore. I don't really do any of that at all
recurring suicidal threats or self-injurious behavior;<--no, ever really did other than taking too many diet pills
unstable, intense personal relationships with extreme, black and white views of people and experiences, sometimes alternating between "all good" idealization and "all bad" devaluation;<--OH YES! In fact I feel like the world has been against me and that I have been taken advantage of, I really have a hard time with trusting people, and yes if someone really angers me I see them as all bad, but if they apologize, I still see them as bad but not AS bad. What I have to remember that it takes guts for someone to admit they were wrong for doing something, perhaps I should give the one who apologizes more credit than I do
marked, persistent uncertainty about self-image, long term goals, friendships, and values;<--oh yes
chronic boredom or feelings of emptiness;
<--oh yes
and
frantic efforts to avoid abandonment, either real or imagined.<--used to be worse than I am now with that
I am not taking anything. I refuse to in fact. I admit one of the biggest reasons I do not want to take an antidepressant or antianxiety is because of the weight gain they cause (I do happen to have body image issues)! I did take herbal drugs, such as St Johns Wort but it had adversely affected my blood pressure and then I tried kava kava, I felt that I started finding unexplained extra pounds coming onto me so I quit. I am trying to find a more spiritual way with dealing with everything. And I admit I constantly struggle with being more spiritual and positive about things and going back to my old borderline ways! However one thing that does help me bounce back is that, Borderline or not Borderline, you can never escape the law of karma. I would have used it as an excuse in the past but having Borderline Personality Disorder does not give one the right to abuse others. But I am still searching for answers all the time and I am really hoping one day to find true inner peace, which I know I have almost found so I won't be dealing with any of this anymore, not as much anyway. People don't know me as well as I know myself. Besides I am trying to find alternative, constructive ways to cope. Anyway here are some links.
Borderline Personality Disorder