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Evening On A Willow Branch

Kate McCridhe written July 28, 2000

It suddenly occurred to me; this has been going on for two years.

Why am I fighting it? I have been in love with this man for eight years. It's the stuff of fantasy, and we're millimeters from it. No other man but Collin has been such a total package for me. He's a friend I could discuss everything with, without fear of recrimination. He has supported me through countless failures, faux pas, flash pan manic dreams, crashing depressions, and living with other men...

When we have worked together, we were a smashing success, seeming to have the world yielding at our fingertips. Yes, we're one hell of a team, and here I am, fighting making it a full time thing.

There is a deep passion between us.

It was his face. There it was, his normally jolly round face with an easy smile was now cubic and granite in composition. Those normally dancing blue eyes were flat, still and gray. He was leaning forward on his toes, head tucked in, in his stubborn stance.

I became aware that I was firmly planted in my own version of a stubborn stance... head back, leaning on my right heel, left shoulder angled towards him, arms folded, eyebrow raised over the left eye that was aimed at him.

Over one damned issue. Worse, it was more the sub-issue.

I consciously shifted my weight and looked down at my feet. I could hear a slight movement that suggested, maybe, he had softened his stance a bit too. I wasn't ready to give in, so I didn't look up to see. I needed to think. The years flashed by in my thoughts...

That first sight of him... back in my freshman year of college...

I was uncertain if I was in the right place, waiting for a science fiction club meeting to start, and I was the first one there. I was feeling a bit of a fool, sitting there alone, not sure if I should wait or go.

Two fellows eventually showed up, one very handsome, trim and confidant. The other, overweight, awkward, and plain. I looked up, questioningly. The handsome one flashed a perfect smile and greeted me in a sumptuous base voice, and flitted on to finding a seat. The dumpy one stood at the doorway and returned my gaze.

I discovered those wonderful blue eyes in that round face, and felt like I was being pulled in. No, he wasn't so dumpy. He blinked and smiled shyly. I looked down and felt a flutter in my heart.

But it took a year, for either of us, to get beyond the shy, awkward "Hi." I didn't even really know his name for several months. It was a different reaction to the men that had attracted me before, and he was a very different physique from the tall, angular, men I had been attracted to before. None the less, the attraction was instant.

There was that night that the science fiction club had gotten silly after the meeting, and we all invaded the play ground a few blocks away (in the opposite direction from any of our dorms), at 10 o'clock at night. After about an hour of joining in on the hyjinx, I sat on a swing and looked up at the clear night sky. It had been a long time since I'd had the chance to enjoy that sight.

Then I felt a presence and heard a sigh from the other swing. "Yeah." I answered. I noticed that the rest of the group had moved to the other end of the play ground, playing on the spring horses, and it was quieter now. "The view from the farm is so much better." I said, "Town lights are too close here." That was the beginning of a conversation that lasted until two in the morning. The others had wandered back to their dorms long before. We finally walked back to our dorms, in comfortable silence, in no particular hurry. Our parting that night was a smile and a "See ya later."

After that, we spent a lot of time together whenever we could. Our friends gathered around us, and we formed one of those college families.

That summer, we found an apartment building that was empty, and our college family rented the whole building. We took turns hosting dinners for each other, we held parties, intellectual discussions, often we slept on each other's floors and couches and who knows who was in what apartment when. It would have probably been more sensible for all of us to rent a house.

I was dating a fellow long distance. Things had gotten a little serious during that time. Then, out of the blue, my beau sent me a letter about his sexual exploits with other women. I didn't know what to make of it, it sounded like he wanted me but wanted me to dump him but not really. Very confusing.

I sought out the council of my friends. I was answered with the usual platitudes, and in some cases patronization. Collin eventually took me aside, and we sat on the low branch of the weeping willow in front of the apartment building, hidden from view and cooled in the shade of the hot July afternoon. As we talked, the sun set. He turned and straddled the tree branch to lean against the trunk, and pulled my drained shoulders to rest against his chest. I continued to blather in worried emotionalism, and he continued to console and comfort.

At some point I realized his arms were around me, my back was cradled easily on his belly and my head was resting on his shoulders, my forehead against his cheek. It felt good, comfortable and right. Nothing that I had ever gotten from the source of my worries. I sighed and drifted in thought. "Maybe..." I said after a bit, "I should just let him go." I snuggled deeper into Collin's arms. "This long distance relationship stuff is for the birds." He shifted to gather me deeper. My heart was on fire. "No body's interested in me locally, though." I baited. He let out a sharp breath in protest but held his tongue. Not taking the bait, I noted. There was heat beyond the summer heat between our bodies, and I didn't want this to end. Do I say more?

A few minutes of silence in the gathering night. I observed "This feels better than anything I'd ever gotten from him." I snorted "Including sex." I felt a distinctly male reaction slide up the base of my spine. I turned my head to look at him slyly. His face was red, twisted with embarrassment, and he pushed me away with a mumbled apology.

I turned on the branch to face him. He wouldn't look at me. "Collin," I said softly, "Are you...?"

"I can't." he said hastily, looking studiously at a crack in the foundation of the building. "You deserve..." he heaved several sharp breaths "it's just that..." more sharp breaths "I have evil thoughts..." the rest was undecipherable, uncomfortable sounds.

"We all have evil thoughts, Collin." I said, "But you aren't evil."

"Yes I am!" He squeaked, blinked a squinted look at me, and turned back to his crack in the foundation.

"No." I reached to wipe a glitter from his cheek, and he jerked his head away. I didn't continue, and backed off. I looked down at my feet, apologized and excused myself to my apartment.

I cried that night. I realized I was in love with Collin, and I didn't know what to do. His low self-esteem was the barrier between us, and I couldn't drop my respect for him enough to bull my way through that barrier.

I decided, instead, to let come what may.

And what may did come.

I eventually accepted an invitation from the character, who worried me, to come live with him. Collin kept in touch with me. It ended in a miserable failure a few months later. Collin was there to console me.

At times we lost touch with each other, at other times we never lost sight of each other.

Sometimes things would get heated again between us, only to end like that evening on the willow branch.

One time I asked him to indulge me and, just as an intellectual exercise, answer "Why not?"

He looked so sad, and said "Because I couldn't stand to loose your friendship."

My heart tore and fell in my chest, "Why would you loose my friendship?"

He swallowed and wouldn't look at me, "You'd be disappointed."

"And if I'm not?"

Uncomfortable sounds.

I pressed on, "What if we could keep our friendship and have a relationship, too?"

He blinked and thought. "I'd have to marry you." He swallowed hard, "I couldn't live with out you then."

I reached to touch him.

"No!" and he dodged me.

I think I heard my heart shattering completely.

Another period of time when we lost touch.

Collin and I found each other again while I was living with another man, in a mentally abusive relationship. I held a lousy job, both in pay and environment, supporting this bozo that refused to put effort into anything beyond role playing games, making booze and inventing new ways to step on me.

Collin, on the other hand, had gained some confidence, matured and yet was still that same gentle soul. He was travelling and almost immediately asked me to be his partner in his job. I was taken aback, tempted, but scared. This time, I was the one worried about his disappointment. I rationalized myself out of it, and kicked myself for it while I was blathering.

But this time, we never lost touch.

I ran away from the bozo, and returned to college.

Collin quit travelling for his job, and traveled the 100 miles to visit me regularly.

One night I teased him, feeling playful, not backing off when he expressed minor discomfort, and suddenly I was delighted to find myself in his very passionate embrace! Six and a half years pent up were released that night, and it was glorious!

He asked me to come live with him. Again I kicked myself while blathering out rationalizations.

After that we ran hot and cool. He'd ask me to live with him every few months, I'd rationalize reasons not to.

During the cool periods I'd date other men.

There came the time when my IUD failed, and the resulting miscarriage. When I told him, an expression I'd never seen rolled over his face. "Was it...?"

I looked down at my plate.

The discussion didn't continue.

Neither did my dinner.

And tonight, he asked me again.

I almost leaped into his arms and said "Yes!"

Then I saw the vision... a baby. His and mine. I lost my breath.

I sat down. "Collin..." I swallowed, "There's a probability, if I move in, that..." I cleared my throat. Gulped for air. "I've had a rather effective method of birth control fail me."

Collin was silent.

I stood up. I paced. I looked back at him. "What if..."

"Whatever you want.", he whispered gently.

It didn't register as an answer. I wanted him to have an opinion. I wanted him to state what he wanted. I wanted... another answer.

My heart was pounding, I was in a panic. I paced, fidgeted, stuttered, stammered, and angrily wiped the tears forming in my eyes.

I don't like crying. I gathered myself, took measured breaths, and finally sighed.

"Look," I said, "Let's just sit down and talk about this."

"No!" he was exasperated, "I want an answer!" I was startled to see that stubborn stance and the expression on his face.

I looked back up, his expression was questioning now, and his posture was square on his feet. That tiny living room, and there seemed to be such a distance between us, like looking at each other from across a canyon.

My throat was dry. I took a deep breath.

"If there is anyone..." the words were choppy and shaking. I changed tack; "If you were interested in being Daddy to my child, I would be honored to be Mommy to your child." I could see the colors changing in his eyes, though his expression was unchanging. I shifted my weight again and took shaking steps to the couch. "I just don't want to have an illegitimate child." No change, no reaction to what I said. Can't he see what I'm getting at?

I thought I could almost hear his thoughts 'You lived with those others and never asked this of them, never brought up children or marriage, why me?'

I leaned forward on my hands, covering my eyes. The tears were starting again.

I picked up my purse and went home.

It was a clear night, but the haze made driving difficult, causing street lamps to glare double images.

I heard the angry crying of a baby and 'Why me?' in my mind.

Not to be published with out the permission of Kate "McCridhe"

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