"FRIENDSHIP SUNDAY"

Today is "Friendship Sunday" here in our church and so I suppose it doesn't require the proverbial "rocket scientist" to figure out what the theme of today's message might be! I have discovered, however, that the words "friendship" and "friend" are, in our language and culture, very much like the word "love." The true definitions and depths of meaning run the gamut from spiritual and eternal to completely carnal and tenuous at best.

Look at "love." There is the ultimate metaphor, used in the Bible in 1 John 4:16,"God is love,"...to the less than theologically-based rhetoric of the beer commercial: "I love you, man!"...to the thoroughly temporary exclamations of the frenzied fans of the latest "flavor of the month," "Oh, I just loovvvee..." - fill in the name of the latest hot singer, band, sports star or kid at school!

Like "love," "friend" is a concept with broad applications. Now, not to disparage the depth of some of the friendships that may be represented here today, but let's be honest: there are many, many ways to define a "friend." Think of someone like Donald Trump who might easily throw a party for six or seven hundred of his closest "friends." Yet, if "the Donald" were suddenly making about $29,000 a year, how many of those folks would still come to his backyard barbeque, knowing they had to bring a covered dish and their own beer or soda? Friendship becomes a very flexible term!

The Western world today is organized in such a way that long and deep friendships are exceedingly rare...in spite of a plethora of books and seminars on winning friends and influencing people. Author Alvin Toffler once coined the term "rentalism," defining a way of living that involves treating people as commodities and allowing throwaway, commercial relationships to be used as sales prospects. Today we often call this "networking." It's a fine way, I suppose, to create business contacts, but no one I know has a "network" of friends, accumulated through the exchanging of business cards, who will come in the middle of the night if they're ill or listen for hours to a rambling discourse about nothing at all without some hope of a sales commission. The kind of true friendship to be valued...to be sought...to be protected and nurtured...is the friendship that exists for its own sake.

Friendship is a necessity for wholeness in the life of any human being. In Scripture, the first gift given to us at creation is the gift of companionship: "It is not good that this one should be alone," says God before providing Adam with Eve. The motivation for this act is one of charity. God does not say that it's not practical or convenient for that first human to be alone. God says, simply, that it's not good and then proceeds to remedy the matter and provide for the first relationship, the essence of which is companionship each for the other.

Adam's need is our need; perhaps we inherited if from him. We need to find ourselves somehow connected to someone other than just ourselves. What begins with Eve is not so much about a model for maniage as it is an example of the need for fellowship and companionship with others...the most intimate and ultimate form of which is friendship - itself the gift and grace of God.

This connection, which we are "hardwired" to need and seek and share, is - at its best and most pure simply one person being fully present to and accepting of another person. I once knew a woman who told me a true story from her childhood. She grew up in Michigan, where the winters are long and cold. As one of many children of a struggling minister, she lacked most of the luxuries and many of the necessities that other children's families could afford. As a little girl, she stood one very cold day, on the playground at recess, shivering in the wind, when her closest friend walked over. The friend took this little girl by the hand and led her around the side of the building, out of sight of the other children. There, the friend opened her coat and beckoned the little girl to step in, close to her body - then she wrapped the coat back up, around them both. They stood there, for the remainder of the period, talking quietly, both protected from the wind and cold. Everyday of recess that winter, this woman I knew stood protected in the warmth of her friend's coat. They never discussed whether it would be O.K. or why it was necessary. They were friends. It just was the way it was. And both were very warm.

The words we heard in that reading from the Apocryphal book of Sirach today, remind us of some truths about friendship: "Faithful friends are a sturdy shelter; whoever finds one has found a treasure. Faithful friends are beyond price...faithful friends are an elixir of life."

Although, on this "Friendship Sunday" we want to remember and celebrate the value of true friendships, we must not deny the reality that such connections do not come easily; too many of us know all too well how fragile such relationships can be. And like material things that can be broken, relationships that break can also cut and wound.

In the Psalms, we can find the witness that even our friends may betray us and that the search for a true friend may lead us to the conclusion that only God will be our help. Nevertheless, the value and pleasure of the bond experienced between like-minded people is exalted, as in Psalm 133: "Behold, how good and pleasant it is when sisters and brothers dwell in unity."

The Bible also often puts human friendship into the context of the mystery of relationship with God. Friendship between God and humanity is the ultimate goal of God's grace and the spiritual journey. One model of this is found in Moses with whom God spoke on Mt. Sinai,;"face to face, as a person speaks with a friend." Abraham was said to be "the friend of God," and even the long-suffering Job hungered for God's friendship more than he desired relief from his troubles.

Friendship, even friendship with God, is not for anything. It has no utilitarian value. That is, our relationship to God should not be a commercial venture in which we exchange piety for spiritual, even eternal, benefits.

In the Gospel of John, Jesus said, "No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what the master is doing; but I have called you friends...." Friendship is a way of understanding God. The best friendship is that which allows the ultimate friendship of God to rule as a model and an ideal: allowing for failure and forgiveness, for hope arising out of disappointment, and, yes, for love - the basis of all friendships worth having.

True friendship is not "playing God' with another, not encouraging co-dependence. not advice giving, not controlling, not directing another, not counseling and not an alternative to counseling. It is listening to the heart, getting in touch with the movement of God in another's life, prizing the unique spirituality of another, exploring the full meaning of another's life, nurturing a friend and on occasion confronting a friend with hard issues. Friendship is a way of describing the best aspects of Christianity.

Friendship is also a way of seeing how we should treat ourselves. It's sad but true that far too many of us could say, "I am my own worst enemy." We should be able to say, "I am my own best friend." Not to elevate ourselves above others or to deny our need for others...and certainly not to forget that we first belong to God. But learning to love ourselves, in the best sense of the word, is essential to having true friendship with any other person and with God. If we could be more accepting and less judging of ourselves, we might better be able to extend that compassion to others. If we could celebrate and embrace our own uniquenesses and, yes, our own beauty, we would be better able to comprehend the awesomeness and power and grace of the God who made us.

Our reading today said, "Those who respect God keep their friendships in repair..." Any one who has ever had to maintain property knows how difficult it is to do so on a large scale. It's the little daily, weekly, annual chores that keep the whole going. When the reading talks about keeping one's friendships "in repair," that implies that they can, and we know that they do, fall apart, and fall into disrepair. While we can take the desire and the necessity for friendships, with others, with God and with ourselves, as natural, we cannot take friendship itself for granted.

It takes work to maintain a friendship, not just contact but work. More often than not, such "work" is to be found in the little things, the ordinary courtesies and kindnesses. Once, in an interview, an actress named Lynn Fontanne credited the success of her half-century collaboration on stage and in life with actor Alfred Lunt to the fact that they had never been impolite to each other.

Now such constant good manners may be an impossible standard to maintain, and truthfully, maybe those two didn't see very much of each other...but the credit for success is given to small things just as, in the reverse, the blame for failure is also given to small things. In the breakdown of a relationship between lovers, for example, how often do we hear, "She stopped romancing me," or "He neglected me," or "We took each other for granted and grew too comfortable with each other."

Friendship with others requires attention and tolerance and effort. Friendship with ourselves requires understanding, acceptance and a willingness to grow. Friendship with God requires time and prayer and openness. It's all a kind of work. But it is the only work we do that will last into eternity.

Friendship is, in essence, a way of describing spirituality. A true friend can never have a hidden motive for being a friend. There can be no hidden agenda. A friend is simply a friend, for the sake of friendship. Our natural inclination is to love for our own sakes. In friendship we can learn to love others for their sake, as well. As we grow in friendship with God, we come to love God not just for ourselves but also for God's sake. At last, we may reach a point where we love even ourselves for the sake of God.

Today there is some friendship in each of our lives that needs attention. Perhaps it's a relationship that has been damaged through neglect or pettiness. Perhaps today is the day to begin the repair work. Perhaps it's a connection that's firm but in need of some attention and time -- a re-establishment of priorities gone awry. Perhaps the groundwork needs to be laid for a friendship with yourself. You're the one person who will always be by your side; why not try to make friends with your only truly constant companion? Perhaps, this day, is the day to ask God if the two of you can start again to build a deep and abiding friendship - not based on guilt or fear or need but based only on your truest self being open to the reality of God's love.

Whatever friendship it is that needs your attention, now is the best time to admit it and begin to deal with it...because, after all, today is "Friendship Sunday." Amen.

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