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Get your own, Free Homepage"THOU SHALT NOT KILL...NOT EVEN THY MOST ANNOYING CO-WORKER!"
My concern is that you have come here this morning hoping and expecting to find that obvious, simple, once-and-for-all solution to the problem of annoying co-workers! But you see...when it comes to dealing with difficult people, we're not in a "one-size-fits-all'' kind of situation. Rather, when it comes to people in general, we're dealing with an economy-size pack of irregulars.
Do you know what I'm talking about? Have any of you women...or men for that matter, I guess...ever bought a big economy box of what they call "irregular" pantyhose? You can get a dozen pair for, like, a dollar...and you start looking them over for flaws. Well, the first eleven pair can come out of the box with nothing noticeably wrong...but then on that twelfth pair, you lift them up and discover that there's only one leg. And that's how they define "irregular"!
Well, people are like that. In any group, most will seem basically O.K. but then there will be that one "slightly irregular" person. Like that twelfth pair of hose. "Slightly irregular." In church parlance, we refer to folks like that as "E.G.R.s" - "Extra Grace Required."
Yes, even in the church, we encounter "difficult people." And I don't just mean in this church. ANY church. It made me laugh, knowing that this sermon was upcoming, when about a week ago, I was looking through the new catalogue of books and materials from the Alban Institute...a consulting and publishing firm for pastors and churches. One of the books on the cover of the catalogue...a featured new release...is entitled, Never Call Them Jerks: Healthy Response to Difficult Behavior. I ordered it.
The Bible is filled with evidence that throughout history, in all kinds of circumstances, people can be difficult. Think about Moses. Poor Moses. We heard a small excerpt this morning from the long story of how Moses had been called by God to go and face Pharaoh and demand the release from slavery of the people of Israel. You know the story...or you've seen the movie. Moses went to Pharaoh and, after some bickering and bargaining and a few persuasive plagues, Pharaoh said, "Go! Go! You're all free! Get out!"
So Moses, having accomplished that astounding feat, set out with a million people to travel to the land that God had promised them. You know the whole deal about how Pharaoh's army went chasing after them and went they got to the Red Sea, God empowered Moses to part the waters...allowing the Israelites to cross over to safety while Pharoah's army then drowned as the waters came back together on top of them.
Pretty amazing stuff. How grateful the people of Israel must have been. They had been enslaved for generations and now they were free and safe. Yea, Moses...right? Wrong!
Our reading this morning says that "on the fifteenth day of the second month after they had departed from the land of Egypt (45 days)...the whole congregation of the Israelites complained against Moses...." "We're hungry!" "We're thirsty!" "We're all gonna die out here in the desert wandering around." You just know some of the more managerial types were over there forming a "back to Egypt committee."
Difficult people. They will always be among us. Particularly at work. And we all want to know how we can better deal with them, don't we?
A professor had been hired to teach a class entitled "Elementary Psychology" and she wanted the class to have some input about what they would most like to learn from the course. So the professor listed about 30 possible topics, duplicated the list and passed it out on the first day of class, asking the students to rank the topics in order of their interest.
Interestingly, when the lists were given back and tabulated it turned out that topics like "Freud's theory of dream interpretation" and schizophrenia were at the bottom of the list. At the top? "Getting along with other people." The next week the professor asked the class to list all the things they didn't like about these "other people" and then she tabulated those lists. At the top of the tally were: complainers, braggers, hypocrites, loud- mouths, gossipers, liars, tattletales, cheaters and - quote - "people who don't like what I say." Intrigued, the next week the professor asked the class to list their own faults and discovered that none of those difficult "other people" were in that class! Isn't it amazing that other people have serious faults like bragging and complaining while we have innocuous little quirks like daydreaming or giggling?
The first step to dealing with difficult people is this: be brave enough to ask yourselfif"maybe. ..just maybe...I am a difficult person myself!" Ifyou have trouble answering that question, here's a little quiz that might help. Think about your own workplace and apply these statements to yourself:
* When old "Larry Lazy" takes a long time to complete a project, it's 'cos he's so slow. When I take a long time, it's because I'm so thorough.
* When Andy Avoider doesn't follow-through on requests, it's because he is so unreliable. When I don't, it's because I'm busy.
* When Baxter Bossy does something without having been asked to, it's because he's always overstepping his bounds. When I do, that's taking initiative!
* When Paula Pushy overlooks a rule of etiquette, it's because she's so rude! When I skip a few rules, well, it's because I'm so original.
* When Sally Suck-up pleases the boss, it's because she's a brown-nosing apple polisher! When I do, it's because I'm very cooperative.
* When Polly Perfect gets ahead, she gets all the breaks! When I manage to get ahead, well...that's just the reward for my hard work!
Now...if most of those statements were true for you...you're not ready to worry about dealing with other people yet. You still need to deal with YOU!
But, assuming that it really is the other person who's being difficult to deal with, what can you do? You can complain and criticize and be angry that you have to work with such an aspiring dolt! However, that hasn't really helped so far, has it?
Jesus has a better suggestion. Hear these words from the Gospel of Luke, chapter 6: "This is what I say to all who will listen to me: Love your enemies, and be good to everyone who hates you. Ask God to bless anyone who curses you, and pray for everyone who is cruel to you. Treat others just as you want to be treated. If you love only someone who loves you, will God praise you for that? Even those who don't believe in God do that. If you are kind only to someone who is kind to you, will God be pleased with you for that? Even those who are purely self-seeking will do that much. But love your enemies and be good to them. Give without expecting anything in return. Have compassion for others just as God in heaven has compassion for you."
"Oh, but Lord," we say, "you don't understand! You haven't worked with this guy!" Don't you think Jesus experienced and understands everything about people that you and I could ever know...and more? People's different...and difficult... personalities, for example. Author Robert E. Coleman writes, "One might wonder how Jesus could ever have used his disciples. They were impulsive, temperamental, easily offended, and had all the prejudices of their culture. In short, those people Jesus selected as assistants represented an average cross section of the lot of society in their day. Not the kind of group one would expect to win the world for Christ."
And yet...through them, here we are today. Still trying to tell the world about Christ. And still trying to learn how to live our lives more like Jesus would have us do. Take a good look sometime in the Gospels at those people Jesus chose to be disciples. Loud-mouthed.. .argumentative.. .power-hungry.. .gutless... betrayers. But Jesus loved them and forgave them and continued to work with them anyway. Jesus does that for us. Can't we try to do that for others?
Perhaps one of the ways we can better deal with difficult people is to understand that we all have very different personality types and temperaments. I've been working with the leadership of this church, encouraging them to learn about theories of personality type and temperament in order to better understand themselves first and then to better understand others. Remember this: "I must first KNOW MYSELF so I can UNDERSTAND OTHERS before I can HELP ANYONE."
I'm an "introvert" and an "intuitive;" that means that I tend to live an inner life that requires time and space for processing information, and I come to conclusions about things from my inner discernment. Keith T., a member of our Board of Directors, is an "extrovert" and a "sensor." That means that his focus in life is on what's "out here" and he processes information and ideas verbally and bases his understanding on what he experiences externally. Now neither way is "right" or "wrong" they're just different. Sometimes I know that when Keith and I have tried to communicate, we've missed each other entirely. And I suppose it would be possible for us to sometimes clash. But you know what? We love each other. And we've come to better understand and accept and appreciate each other...just as we are. And I don't think that either of us considers the other to be "difficult" just because we're different.
It's been said that it's not the difference between people that's the problem. It's the indifference. Sometimes trying to care before we criticize...taking the time to get to know, understand and appreciate another person...is all that's needed to move them out of the "difficult" category in our lives.
Another thing that can help us to deal with seemingly "difficult" people is to see beneath the surface of people's behavior. In all sincerity, assuming that a person has no serious psychological or medical problem (and maybe they do!), then it's always good to remember that you never know what a person has been through or may be going through at any given time in their lives. People don't wear signs that say, "My partner just left me...or my mother just died...or I am in excruciating pain...or I just had to file for bankruptcy and I am losing my house"...or any of the other thousands of possible reasons that a person may seem "difficult" on the surface. Why is it so hard for us to cut other people some slack and give them the benefit ofthe doubt and have compassion and patience...EVEN IF WE DON'T KNOW THE EXACT REASON WHY THEY NEED THAT?!
And remember, too, that some people are simply inexplicably, irreversibly miserable. It's a choice they've made in life...and there may be nothing we can do about it. The only person we can ever change is ourselves! And even if that person forever remains a total pain in your work day...remember: when they go home at night, their misery is going with them. You can choose to refuse to adopt their misery and you can darn sure choose to leave it at the office. And when you get home...to a safe and happy place...with a partner or with friends who love and support you...and in a growing relationship with God who has lifted you up from the awful place you may have once been, remember to pray for that "difficult person" - because they are drowning in their chosen life of misery and need your prayers more than you will ever know.
Moses brought the tablets bearing the Ten Commandments down from the mountain to a huge group of whining, ranting ingrates. That had to have been difficult. But there it was, clear as could be, #6: "Thou shalt not kill." Not even "thy most annoying co-worker."
And Jesus teaches us not to kill the possibility of improvement...in our lives, in our relationships, in our attitudes or the attitude of others. Remember: the love that Jesus calls us to is an action, not a feeling. So when it comes to that special "E.G.R." person in your life, whether you like 'em or not, find somehow, some way, to love them! Amen.
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