1. Establishing the Conversational Framework Rapport-building will take place in the context of conversation—at first. And within that conversation, two people who are just meeting each other will be asking questions to seek out some common ground for that connection. Here’s an example: Guy: What are you studying in school? Girl: Philosophy. I’m 2nd year right now. Guy: Interesting, I just finished reading Walden yesterday. What do you think of Thoreau? Connection made, common ground found, some rapport established. It can be over anything; connections can be made on the type of music you listen to, or even what brand of potato chips you like best. Guy: What kind of music you like? Girl: I listen to hip hop, Ja rule, Sean Paul, all that. Guy: Sean Paul is da shit! You see the video he just came out with? The more complex the thing that two people have in common, the more potential there is for rapport in discussing it. Obviously the potato chip example above might give you a connection, but there’s nowhere to really go with it—unless you’re both huge potato chip fans, or both work for Frito-Lay, etc. Questions that aim to search for a connection are known as "emotional bids". Here are some common examples: "What do you do?" "What kind of music/movies/novels/TV shows/food do you like?" "What are your hobbies?" "What do you do for fun?" "What are your roots?" "What part of town do you live in?" "Where did you grow up?" "What high school did you go to?" These are the most common rapport questions you hear being used, but they aren’t necessarily all that great. The reason is that they’re CLOSE-ENDED questions. If you ask "Where was your last vacation?" and she says "Hawaii", you don’t have much to use for a connection if you don’t know anything about the Hawaiian Islands. Once she answers, the question is "closed" and you have to "open" another question. Always aim for long answers—they’re better than short ones. They give you more information to find out if you have anything in common. To get a long answer, you have to ask an OPEN-ENDED question. For example:
Guy: Where was your last vacation, and what made it great? Girl: I was in Hawaii. The really great part about it was that I learned to surf! I also went tandem skydiving over the big island. It was beautiful. In this example, even though you’re clueless about Hawaii you’ve also found out that she learned to surf and went skydiving. If you know anything about either activity, or something related (let’s say you were into windsurfing in your teens), you’ve got your "in" to make a connection. The more information she gives you, the more likely it is that you’ll find some common ground. Here are a few other open-ended questions: "Tell me more about yourself." "How do your friends describe you?" (She describes an event) "How did that make you feel?" (She describes a situation) "Have you ever been in that situation before?" (She mentions an experience) "What was that like?" "What do you find is really challenging about your work (school)?" "Shy" women are often just regular girls who need a good amount of rapport established before they can open up and be themselves. Open-ended questions are great tools for getting the information out of shy women and building that connection so that they can relax around you. Whenever asking rapport-building questions, have a subtext of approval in your communications. Asking "Why did you become a nurse?" could be construed as a negative, "Why the hell did you become a nurse?" Especially if you were teasing her earlier and going cocky & funny. Instead, ask "What INSPIRED/ENCOURAGED you to become a nurse?" A great question to develop DEEP rapport: "What are you passionate about? What turns you on?" If she starts talking about sex, set up a booty call. If she talks about her job, art, whatever, use that to build more comfort. While conducting rapport-building conversation, there are two elements you have to be aware of:
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