July 2000

July 1, 2000

I know my bad..havent been writing in this journal for a few days..wed of course was bad being their was a meeting..and thursday and friday..Yahell blew up because they think i am a fucking 13 year old..and cancelled my account because of child protection laws and all that stuff..*SHAKE HEAD..pulls out my birth certificate, credit cards id..and all that junk..DOES IT LOOK LIKE I AM FUCKING 13 YEARS OLD?" I dont know..but that was the problem i have with yahell and geosuckies..oh well.

Many things have been happening..my new job is a dream come true..although it is very long and boring..i cant do anything now until the training happens..so basically i am just sitting their watching and staring at the transactions..and seem to be fucking up the transactions whenever i get on. It is very a mentally demanding and challenging job..but i think when i get settled in, trained..it will be better..one thing i have to do is get new shoes ACKK..the pain..i cant stand around for hours at a time in heels...the tellers get no seats..have to stand all day and the pain..just shoots up my legs in fact..i come home taking my shoes off and all i feel is pain..lost sensation in my two little toes anway..*shrugs*.

Thing are going well real life..i am so happy with the way things are changing and everything and what not..but it is when i actually come here online that things go to shit. Maybe i take everything so seriously here..but it is just as if i am overwhelmed with things at times. I did get to speak to AJ the other day..well at least i messaged him...and he did send me a happy birthday card..he was the only one that remembered..no one else did. yet i wonder after all this time..why now..why come back into my life now? Bruce on the other hand did contact me as well..*sighs*..i failed him..failed him greatly and wonder how i can ever face him. Dont even think if i can...maybe i am nothing more then a player like the rest..a playre of peoples emotions just as much as they play with mine.

Aside from that..have been talking heavily with a Master friend..god..why must i admit to him that i feel i am him..and why cant i admit to myself what am i. He knows i am resiting, I know i am resiting..what will it take for me to let go..why do i hold on?..It is just a very trying, confusing time for me..and i am confused on that note..but why now after all this time..am i opening my soul to him..why now???

July 2 (sunday)

I have to admit i am spurted with energy dont ask me why i woke up early and have been cleaning cleaning and cleaning..*giggles*..even went shopping and bought myself some nice things. But at least i get to relax..it is such a pleasure having two days off...*smiles*..cant believe it..but to finally get days where a girl may do as she wishes. *smiles*

well interesting enough i did do something crazy last night was talking to a friend of mine..whom i truly did want to submit to..and at the height of the discussion i was booted..and after reloading..he was no where to be found..it was then i thought..i have failed..i failed him..i was upset, hurt, and knew that i gave up ever part of me..and the point was futile..what i needed was guidence, talk, help..so i actually called up the Master whom i met through the personal adds...damn maybe i am a slut..but did talk to him for a long time..not in sexual terms..but he listened to me..and was kind..and at one point did make a challenge for me..a simple one in which i cant bear to do. Silence for 30 seconds..a simple task right?..i cant do it..i cant be silent..but yet..when tested..when ordered..i was able to do it..although bout the time 30 seconds came..i was on the bring of crying..and do know if it was a min i would have been in tears..but talking to him..sure it may have been stupid..but we had a wonderful conversation..and it makes me wonder..should i meet him..just to meet..dinner, coffee that sort of thing..he is right here in NY..but would that be the right idea?

as for my Master friend..*sighs*..i need to talk to him badly..i realize that i have to step back..have to walk away..but not from him..just the feelings i feel.but want to do so on the phone..so that he knows..that i am not walking away from our friendship or playing games..just need to talk to him..*sighs*

on a fun note..did try an experiment that a friend of mine told me about...will say that it made me cry..was brought to tears..but oh so badly wants to do it again..it involved make shift anal pleasure balls..i dont have those as toys..but he said you can try shoelaces and making large knots every few inches..well i did have new shoelaces and for sanitary reasons..not going to use the one on shoes..so i went into grannies craft kit..and found a long set of tiny tiny beads linked together...ever few links..i added a knot to them and used those as anal beads..not only was it tough to get it in..and so pleasurable..at the point of the orgasm to pull them out..and pull the string out as i am cumming..just made me go over the edge even harder and brought me to tears..was painful..and next time have to use smaller and less knots..but the sensation was out of this world...

June 3 Mon

well last night was a nightmare..in fact the whole day was..for some reason i was so damn horny that i was in tears..but couldnt release..no matter what i tried, cyber scned, read pornography...did anything and everything..but i was hurt, upset, confused..i just felt ashamed and sorry for myself..but most of all..i wanted help..just someone to talk to..but there was no one. I even thought about calling up the guy i met through the perosnal ad just to talk to him..but then i would have been a lyer since i said i never would call on the spur of the moment..GOD i was so frustrated.

I did go back to Gor..and did one hell of a scene...*sighs*..i know first off not allowed in Gor and second off still collared..why do i do this to myself..i dug myself in my own hole. I guess i am just desparate..desparate for love, attention, sex, submission. In Gor..they all say..you are a slave..you are a slave..and to myself as almost a mantra i repeate that..but why dont i feel like a slave. the reason is simple ..i am not..but i just wold like to understand my submission..understand it.

The other night..doing that simple task of facing my fear of silence..that lifted me up 100%..it was like a whole complete change over came me..and even now i think of it..i yearn for more things, more challenges..more things to overcome..because i know i have so much that i fear..and so much i could do..but yet..i lack the guidence. The Master. *sighs*

well anyway..work is going wonderful...was the receptionist all day today...and did a whole mess of filing..*smiles*.i actually had a great time..i like doing that stuff..and i also found many many errors in the daily proofs..which they wanted to hug and kiss me for..*smiles*..i am soo good at my job...well have one more day until i officially go for training..then i will finally get my own box. at least i do get tommorrow off..and Paid Too.. WOO HOO *smiles* :).

July 4 Tues (INdependence Day)

well happy July 4th everyone...yes it is a holiday..and a boring one it is..that is all right..at least i got the day off..*giggles*..Its amazing..getting all these days off..and dont know what to do with them...but what a pleasure it is to finally get them.

Last night had a wonderful phone conversation..ironically i was on the brink of tears the whole time..but it actually left me feeling relieved emotionally..o0(although i still think i need a major release physically..still havent been able to go all the way..no matter what the desire..umm..for now..just going to let it pass through)..But this was with the guy whom i met through the personal ads. He lives right here..right near me..and i wonder..i truly wonder..can i get into another relationship..knowing that this could be the one that most certainly goes to real time?

But talking to him..for 3 and a half hours or so..it was like i learned so much about myself and him..although all the topic was about was feelings, fears, inhibitions..what is on the inside..i was very emotional last night..although never cried..but to pour out my soul to him in such an intimate delicate manner..it just made me feel that their is a connection between us..almost seemed so right to tell him everything on my mind..no matter how overly sexual, embarrising, or modest i was..i just felt comfortable telling him..even if the tightness in my belly, the nerves, or the embaressment of giving a man who i hardly even know over this information about what i was thinking..not only was it exciting..but it just felt RIGHT.

it is at this time though were i myself has to be careful..and goodness that not only is he a realist..and talks in realistic terms..not lost in a fantasy..i myself am taking things slow..especially if we finally do getting around to meeting for a coffee cake type deal..o0(although i never drink coffee..blaaahhh)..but i dotn know..*smiles*..he just brings a smile and strangely i never did want to hang up on him..in fact..i wish he would pop on now..but i am not going to call him out of the blue..i told him i wouldnt..so i am not.

July 5 Wed

Things have been difficult..i feel like i am being pulled in all directions..the love and desire of my friend..and the interest i have in the new guy. Why do i have to always ruin everything..But truthfully have been thinking about my friend..in my heart i feel he is my Master..he is always was my Master..but my mind is saying.>STEP BACK..simple reasons..he can not be their for me in my mind, i am a fraid he cant commit..and real life..i am not going to move away and ruin everything i have here to go to him who at this moment is nothing but a drifter..sad but true.

And what about this "new guy"..my god..met him in the personal ads..he is right here in the same state wehre i live..and talking to him which i just dont want to stop doing..i feel like i have known him all my life. .o0(am i sounding the same way i sounded like with Donavin and Bruce..before the true nature came out?)..as of right now.he is a friend..but..deep down inside..i feel one with him..i feel that need and the bond...and he is respecting me ultimately...i just like talking to him, being with him..and almost wishes he was on now. Maybe i am a greedy little one..but..he makes me feel so wonderful..almost as if i bask in the warmth even after i hang up from him.

tommorrow..i do start my training for my job..FINALLY..whew..getting to the point where i just want to start...now i get my chance...but overall love the job..great place to work..and really has been lifting me up..*smiles*..i dress like a knock out..and love making myself beautiful..*smiles*..

June 6 (thurs)

well first day of training today and alli i can say is BORING..YAWNS...i have been learning the system this whole time..and been comming to understand what i have to do..that now doing the basics is just too boring. but at least i will get to start officially in two weeks

Things online havent been too good..oh god..i am submitting to a friend..how can i live with myself..how can i admit it..the desire, the need,..in fact he had to fucking restrict me.i cant take this..I so badly need to cum..so badly do i need to release this stress, this tension the pain..yet..i am going even more nuttier because in the back of my mind..he restricted me. He isnt even my Master..although i feel he is..and yet..i can do nothing but accept it..and not go all the way or even dare touch myself. Even the Guy i met in the personal ads says..CUM..you need the release..just do so..in my heart..i cant..i feel i would be betraying one who i view as a Master..but damnit..i still resist him..i am still the one who is fighting.

why do i have to do this now of all times. Me who is supposed to be their for him..be strong, be his help, his friend, his strength when he is weak..i have been there for him before..but why now am i so weak..why cant i admit to him that i am his or accept it within my heart.

*sighs*..i cant bear to talk about this in detail..so going to talk about other things..although god this is so important..*sighs*...ANyway..work has been interesting..for the first time..i wore a very sexy long skirt with a double slit down the sides that goes all the way up to the top of my thighs..ooo very sexy..and to wear that type of clothing today i couldnt believe myself..especially when i sat down and saw the way my leg peaked out from the slit..i thought to myself..DAMN i do look good. and i know i am getting better..already i lost 12 lbs..amazing..and i am striving to work harder and look good..but it is going to take time..I have been taking that extra step to make sure my hair, makeup and everything looks good..the only thing i fear is..even with all my work..all the things i am doing to myself..does anyone find me attractive?..

I should fucking slap myself right there..of course i am a beautiful person. Many have told me i have a cute face..big deal so i am over weight..there are guys who would kill to have a big woman like me..*sighs*..but why do i feel so crappy..and why even when i try to change the subject or think about something else..submitting to my friend plagues my thoughts.

July 7 (fri)

well i did the unthinkable..well not the unthinkable..but finally got back to my favorite past time..woo hoo today is friday so i made it benwa ball friday WOO HOO..*smiles*..see i am kind of upset that i have to get stuck wearing underware at work..GOD i have to get garters fast...but i get really bad rashes from the panty hose if i go without undies..so now i use undies..but tried the benwa balls today..basically was the fact so that i can work myself up enough to cum all the way..geeze this has been a nightmare..although THANK GOODNESS my fridn finally released me from his bonds..well he also sort of said in a round about way he has too many on his plate to be troubled by me..well he didnt say it that cruely..but i understand..and nothing changed..*giggles*..still had a wonderful conversation with him..as well as gained some new ideas to please myself and make it a little more fun. .o0(all i know is tonight i need release..and i need it badly)

Work was BORING..although do have to say i am learning..at the training they give up monopoly money..it is so cheesy..but we have to do transactions and everything...by the end of the night i realized i fucked up..made a deposite into "Al Gore's account for $300. more rather then $30. damn him..*giggles*..it is kind of funny all the checks and deposits we deal with are from stars and everything..gives us a good laugh. But i do have to say..it is sooo boring..but the questions on the final are going to be SOOO hard..they gave us a hand out on FDIC regulations, and CRT and CTR and on and on an ond..o0(damn might as well say i suffer from CRS..giggles)..Ironically i am getting carpooled there each day a friend of mine who works at the branch where i do..we both started the same day and she agreed to take me..she is turning out to be a wonderful person..but she does see that my mind is distant..that i blankly stare out the window durning the drive..she even asked me if i need an ear..oh sure..what am i going to tell her..i am a submissive..who wants to fuck a friend that is 2x my age even though i am just living in a fantasy world?..umm..dont htink i can tell her that..

other then that..things are going well i am glad i did get a chance to talk to my friend..needed to...talked about a lot of things..and realized..*smiles*..he is still the friends we always were..i just wish the ghost from the past didnt haunt him so much..*closes eyes taking a deep breath*..but why the hell cant i get him out of my mind...

July 8 Sat

Last night i was so exhausted..i was able to speak to my friend about submitting to him and final say was that i am just going to walk away..not as a friend..but not going to press the topic..and if he ever wants to bring it up again..that i am leaving up to him..as for me..i am not..i am just going to talk to him..and be their for him as a friend..All i know is..what he is caught in..i am surprised he was able to pull through.

Surprisingly though..i went to bed by 8pm..was out like a like and all of a sudden get a knock on my bed room door..and it is my mother saying that one of my friends was on the phone. *smiles*..turned out to be the Dom who i have been speaking to here in NY..i was so shocked, happy and surprised that he would call me up as he had said..and the funny thing is the more and more i talk to him..the more comfortable i become with him..maybe it is just me in my crazy world..but i do like him...and am thinking of meeting him for a nice site scening tour of all the shops..*giggles* I am glad he called though..needed the talk..although in a sense..still am completely horney and has not yet released..been almost 2 weeks now..*sighs*..the other friend did allow me to release..and broke me from that bond he had..but even last night when i got off the phone with the Dom..i tried to build up the sensations..i ended up crying to sleep..well..at least i got some release..even if it was through crying. But aside from that..it is nice to talk to him..leaves me with a smile when i think of it.

My father did come over today..why do i find it so hard to see him..He looked terrible..and it makes me think he doesnt have long to live..and yet i am so cruel to him. What is it just to give a simple hug, a kiss, and be there for him to talk to. But when i am with him all it is is SILENCE.he doesnt talk at all. No conversation..he just sits in front of me and stares at me..GOD I just want to fucking scream out TALK DAMNIT..but i end up bottling it in..bottling the silence in..as my internal mind goes crazy. Maybe that is why i fear silence..who knows..but i just cant take it..and it is even bleeding off to the guy i talk to on the phone..i panick when he is silent..makes me think of my father. *shakes head*..And the sick part is even me..rather then being with my father..i am here online even working on this. I cant bear to stay in the same room with him..dont ask me why.

July 9 Sun

much happened yestuday....maybe too much..dont even know where to begin..I had a talk with my "friend" whom by now with the both of us..i now call Master. yes..we both have decided to try it out..Cross the line from friendship to submission...*trembles*..that thought alone is both terribly frightful yet wonderfully exciting. I had a talk with him on the phone...and we decided to try it out..god..it just felt so right..to admit to him that i am his slave...to admit to myself that i am a slave...to be pushed beyond my fears, my doubts, my ignorance..and please him, admit it to myself, everything changed so much in one day..yesturday i walked away..tody full fledge within. I dont regret my descision..but rather yearn more...year for where it is going to end up..where it will lead..what will happen. We both discussed what would happen at the point where if i actually get to the point of reality..will this be something that i love entirely..or something that i just walk away from..Everything is riding on this..not just on my side but his as well...so we are takng it slow, very slowly..relearning about each other...

that is exactly what we are doing..relearning..have known him so long..but only as an equal..as a friend...now i learn about him as a Master. I can finally say to him what has been within me so long..i can call him Master..*smiles*..

well on the other hand..had a semi fight with the other Master whom i been talking to..*sighs*..why is it so hard..yes i have been talking to him..but he seemed almost angy at me. I just wanted to talk to my Master..and keep him as a friend..in fact..would like to meet him..talking to him was wonderful..he was great..but..i just need to understand..i just need to know if what i feel now is genuine..and what i feel is i need to be with my Master..call it desparation..call it what you will..but for the first time..i feel relieved, at peace, feel that this is right and i want to understand and dont want to stop. If he chooses to walk away just because i gave myself to another..so be it..but he is in my heart as a helper and friend.

so much is happening..been writing more and more detailed emails to my Master..and even writing those..exposing my inner most feelings..i find myself getting excited completely..but not going to betray him..not going to go against him..he allowed her the release she so desparately needed..there so much i want to say about this.but dont even know where to begin..all i know is..not going to stop now...

June 10 Mon

I AM SO DAMN HAPPY I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN..*giggles*>>omg omg omg..*smiles*..*settles down a bit taking a deep breath*..Ok..well i got 2 letters today ..One was from a poetry company...whom i submitted a poem to a few weeks ago..Not only is my poem going to be published in the upcomming Library of Congresses annual poetry anthology..I am also a semi-finalist in the contest they offer..OMG>.*giggles*..i was shocked..and couldnt believe it at all..Aside from that...It gets better..*smiles*..October Films..an independant film company whom was having a scene open for writers to submit their scenes...well i got an answer from them..and they are SOOOO Happy with my scenes..they are going to publish them in their new book they are publishing out on..*SMIELS*..this is like a dream come true..I cant believe it..*smiles*..I never thought i was a good writer..and this is the third peice of my work that is being acknowldge.i already did mention about 2 weeks ago..another poetry company that i made semi finalist in..but this..is just too shocking...nad makes up for the terrible day i had 100%...it almost seems like my day wasnt so shitty after all..*smiles*..aww wants to tell Master so badly..in face may be too hyper just to tell him..but i cant believe how much my life is changing completely..New Job, New hair style..Slowly losing weight..*smiles*..and now..my poetry :)....*Jumps up and down*

July 11 Tue

*giggles*..OMG think my life is messed up at times..but for some reason..i have a smile on my face...First off..the friend whom i tried to submit to and ccall him Master..ummm..we are going to leave it as such..Friends. We both realize no matter how close we are..we can never be ONE..we can never be a couple in such a way..however..being with him..made me realize about the guy i met through the personal ads. I even have a meeting with him in 2 weeks..AM I NUTS?..i am actually going to meet him in real life..in two weeks..i called him up last night..badly needing to talk to him..and will admit i think i really fucked things up with him..but..we do have a..ummm..should i call it a date?..will call it a meeting...but going to a nice restaurant..and just going to talk.

See what happen was..i wanted to ask him a few personal questions..and the topic for some reason turned into his penis size..that wasnt even on my list of questions..but..i wonder if it made him uncomfortable..i never directly asked him..and he never answered..but..just that type of questionining i didnt want him to think i am a slut only interested in a guys body..NO..that is far from what i wanted to ask him..i actually wanted to ask him about his name, and area, and about his family..but we ended up talking about his penis..MY GOD..what the hell was i thinking of..*shakes head*..He did start talking about his writing and read a sampling of his works..oh god..i think i ruined that as well..the way he spoke, the way he read..the way the words and actions of the scene unfolded..i almost felt myself getting totally entrapped by them..had to close my eyes..and even my breathing was a whispering pant almost..He had to know what he was doing to me..he must have..maybe that is why in a sense even he backed off with the phone call..unless he really thought i was bored out of my mind. GEEZE he was making me so horney and exciting and he thought he was boring the hell out of me. But then again..the way things are now..cant anything happen..He is so respectful to me and treats me so well..and now..i am going to meet him???..*giggles*..but i think i did fuck things up last night..but have to talk to him again..just i cant aford the phone bill YIKES. That alone this month between talking to him, talking to the other one..i am going to be in debt..ACKK

speaking of that..he suggested this restaurant..with some nice smooth live jazz music..as well as nice italian dinner...sounded really nice...i never heard of this place..however did some research on it..family knows about it..and on the net looks like a great place..so..*smiles*..the only funny thing is i have to admit..is the friend of mine..gave me a list of 3 things to tell this guy when we go out..*giggles*..#1 was the fact..HE pays for the dinner..no question about it..HE pays...felt kind of funny asking him..being the other time we spoke..he talked about sharing the bill..but..*shrugs*..he did agree..the #2 thing was that i have to have my safety net..which is going to be both my family and my friend..and #3..this is more of the line my part...i have to give him a hug and kiss..then go straight home..no matter what i feel, or what type of connection their is..or how horny my hormones are..i go straight home after this.o0(geeze my friend is more like my father then anything else..ummm..*giggles*..no comment on that) But..it does show how much my friend cares, respects me..*smiles*..well in telling this to the guy i am going out with..*smiles*..i was shocked when he said..that whenever my friend happens to be in this area he would buy him a beer..That alone just brought a huge smile on my face..for it was almost like everyone was always jeoulous of my friendship..but..ackk..probably making something out of nothing..but this is a big deal to me..i am meeting a Dom real life. and like i said..nothing may happen at all..but..well..there is some prospect to it..*smiles* ok..enough of this topic..

today had one of my tests during the training..i sware i feel like i am back in school..but this is important for my job...so i took the test..now part of the test was the fact..that not only you had to do all transactions..you had to proof up as well. Now the proof is worth 6 points of the test..that may not seem like a lot..but the catch is this..if there is a mistake in the proof..it means you messed up big time in the test itself..so six points..can turn out to losing 30 points or something...catch is..you have to get 70% of the test..no question..you dont get a 70..you fail..well i had a BIG problem..i finished and although there was an hour left in the test..they gave us a LOT of time...for some reason i was $920 off..and i couldnt find it for my LIFE..i went through every transaction..reviewed countless # of reciepts documents ect..trying to figure out where the hell i was off $920 dollars..finally very upset frustrated..and out of time..i just handed in the test..totally frustrated and feared that i would fail..however..what happens was..i did the test PEFECT..i had EVERYTHIGN right..even the questions which stumped the entire class...and would have gotten 100..but i forgot to give out the money..that was where i was off..didnt take the money out of my draw..processed it..but forgot to take it out..and because of that..and all the work..that is why i couldnt find it..because that was a non documantary mistake..*giggles*..there was no way i could find that..So i got a 94 on the test..and i was SHOCKED..everyone else got a 94 or so..o0(no one got a 100)..but everyone but me proofed to zero..they were all right on..but turns out they did illegal transactions..and stuff..and got points taken off from that..*shakes head*..how dissappointed.did EVERYTHING perfect..but fucked up because i forgot to take out the monopoly money..*giggles* oh well..i passed an i am happy..*giggles*

July 12 (wed)

Well things are messed up..why is it..my life is going so well..but i have to mess it up in Gor..it almost seems like i just need to ease the Gorean demons from the past..and i cant enter Gor here no matter how much i wish too...have to many problems..then again it is my attidude..DAMNIT..why is it i cannot go back to gor without feeling sorry for myself..withough feeling upset and depressed. I was offered a training Master..not a collar..but one to train..Damnit..that is exactly what i want..someone to teach me, someone whom i can learn from..but i dont want it to be online. I dont want it to be just an online thing..

the funniest thing is i think of the guy i am going to meet in two weeks..the first thing that runs through my mind..is not the fear of meeting him..not the fear of what the date is going to be like..although i myself do have fears..the first thing i fear..is actually the last part of the night..the good night kiss. That probably would have never even bothered me at all if it wasnt my friend who gave me a list of 3 things..the final thing was to meet this guy..go home at a certain time..and kiss him. Even that caught me off gaurd..Kiss him?..when a girl even asked that..he even said..OF Course you have to kiss him girl..it makes me think of..how would i kiss him to please him..what would please him..*sighs softly*.

Well..as you can probably see..my mind is racing away with thoughts..but tonight is the meeting...o0(see a girl did have time to write this..lol)..but for now..this one is exhausted..really is..so thinking she is going to take a nap for now..then have a wonderful topic of subspace.

July 13 Thur

I have to admit last night's meeting was very refreshing..*smiles*..was a pleasure to have it.everyone was so talkative..the topic was informative, well laid out..researched..in fact..i was almost proud of listening to the guy she is going to go out with..*smiles*..he was at the meeting..and his knowldge understanding..expertise..was really something to just sit back and listen to..maybe that is why we can both have conversations that last such a long time..both of us like to talk. I do ahve to admit though..i thought i insulted him. i know i am wrong..but he left kind of abruptly..and just felt that some of the things that i had said.made him think twice..for it is true..much of the topic..hit too close to home for me..especially the part on Gor..*takes a deep breath*..I know i am a hypocrite when it comes to Gor..but something tells me..that i dont want him learning about Gor..he is doing so on his own..but..why do i feel like i want to protect the world..i dont advise anyone going to gor..yet i almost go there myself..crawling back to a society which makes me so miserable to the point where i cry in tears..even last night..before the meeting was in tears..and for what?..Just because i do not feel accepted in Gor..WAKE UP MELANIE..if you are claiming to be a slave..act it..dont be a sorry lame ass attention seeker..but maybe that is the truth..i am not gorean..but why do i feel it so strongly in my heart?

Anyway..things are overwell going good..got a 100 on the compliance exam today during training..*smiles*..so i feel 100% better on that..considering i fucked up the other exam..just for not proofing..would have got 100 on that exam too...*shakes head*...maybe i do strive for perfection to much..Good news is..did lose some more weight..been eating healthier and doing exercise and my work is paying off..lost some more weight..so that brings me to a grand total of..umm..14 lbs i lost since i went to the dr and was told to lose weight..ummm..dont remember how long ago that was..but believe it has been a month or so..not too sure..o0(ooo can a girl lose some more weight before her meeting?...umm..not that it will actually make a difference..for he would have nothing to compare it to..but i would feel better)

umm Other then that..everything is well..my mind is plagued by the thought of meeting..and do know this is going to be a VERY LONG 2 weeks...but..i am all for it..and ready to go..*smiles*..*crosses fingers..wishing to talk to him*...umm..maybe she will call him up..but YIKES..my phone bill is going to be sky high then...well..do hope he comes on tonight..

(later on that evening)..you know when a girl got home from work..she was in a plesant mood..but was also very needful. One of the first things i did was take off my clothes..and just remain naked for a bit..needed to..no one was home..and i did pop on line for a bit..read my email, wrote in my diary..but even then in the back of my mind had a growing need..then i started talking to a friend of mine..a gorean one..*sighs*..something told me i shouldnt have..but the more and more i talked to him..the more i just wanted him to take me..to him to be the Gorean Master he is..and just use me. but he didnt. He was kind to me..he talked to me..he listened to me..he consoled me..he never used me. At one point he even asked that i not call him Master..it was at that point i wanted to slap him..not because of what he was asking me..but because of my selfishness. I seem to go to gor to want to be hurt. I was almost challeginging him..come on take me i dare you..You know i am confused, you know i am hurt, and you know i am horny..but he didnt. That i have to give him a lot of credit for..that left me with mix emotions. I eneded up going upstairs anyway..wet completely almost to that point..where i was dripping..but not yet released itself..interesting part..but i just laided down..clutched my pillow and gently go to sleep in tears..not even doing what i wanted so badly to do. It was wrong to want to at that point..wrong to want a friend like that to use me..wrong for me to even wanting to get hurt..that was my punishement. Even in sleeping for an hour..and now waking up..i have a bad headache and even more exhausted. Maybe that was a bad idea to torment myself in such a way..possibly unhealthy to..Yet in the back of my mind telling me to call Him up..just pick up the phone and call that guy..geeze..cant even call him something..only call him "guy"..that Master..that Dominant..in the back of my mind..should just pick up the phone and call him..but i cant..not in this state..should call him when i am happy, when i am delighted to see him..show him that there are more sides to me..but i cant..not tonight.

July 15 Sat

well i know i skipped yesturday..and have to say this has been one hell of a roller coaster weekend. As of right now..probably shouldnt even be writing this..almost exhausted, dehydrated, ashamed, disappointed, upset, i dont know..i just felt i fucked something up really badly..but knows i didnt..just tried so hard..but it is the simple fact i couldnt cum..sick i know..but i just couldnt do it..couldnt go all the way and find the release i so desparately needed..then again..i have been that way for a while now..just it hurts even more..when you have another coaxing you on. But i am not going to dwell in it..i cant..It was just not the right time for either one of us..didnt matter how wet, excited, horney, needful i was...i just wasnt in the right mind set.

What makes it hard is..i have been looking for a dom..that is a fact..looking for a real life dom..found a wonderful man..whom i have to say i have been really becomming attached to..even to the point where i am going to be meeting him in two weeks..but..it was almost like he lost track of the site that i wanted him as a Dom. It was me who answered the personal ad,...me who told him everything...me who was acting as a submissive to him and testing it out giving him over myself and my free will..but it was also in a sense wrong in his eyes. He was focusing on the friendship aspect of it..i was looking towards the mastery of it. Two very different states...he is a wonderful person..and i dont know why i was even attracted to him on the first note..but there was something there..and even now as i talk to him every day on the phone almost every day at least i get more and more attached to him..but it is true..it wont be till i meet him until i will see the chemistry, the desire, if it can be so. Why did i have to push myself now..god i have been desiring him..but yet..was almost like i admitted and betrayed self completely...umm..wishes i could write more..but i need to talk badly to someone..will write more later

July 16 Sun

ok..i know i have a lot of catching up to do and a lot on my mind. well yesturday spent practically the whole day on the phone..with the guy i am going to meet..and now..can finally give him a name..with his permission...Jim..o0(just a guy..that sounds..ugg)..but Jim is the one i am going to be meeting..he is a wonderful person..and just brings a smile on my face..dont ask me why..but with him..he is special, kind, respectful..and i just feel so close to him..o0(i know this sounds like the same with all the rest)..but he is different...and the big difference is..i trust himself as well as myself enough that i truly do want to meet him and is actually very nervous but looking forward to it completely..*smiles*.

Yesturday was a trying time for the both of us..he was horny i was horny..in fact..i was even shocked he would admit it to me after recieving an email from him...so we called each other up..but before that..i actually called him feeling 100% pissed off at him..in fact..was almost to the breaking point of tears..because of a test he did to me..i thought he was trying to mental mind fuck me..not that i dont enjoy that once in a great while..for even i need a challenge..but it was just the extent of the test. See he was testing out if i have a "backbone" and in doing so..he wanted me to tell him to "go to hell" and "go fuck off"..well..in doing that..it showed a few things..see if i just complied and said Jim Go fuck yourself..or Go to hell and left it as that..would not only mean that i complied..but did so without any meaning, feelings or true understanding..if i refused..then that would also not only be standing up for myself..it would also in my eyes be disobeying a direct order..it is one thing to disobey and order because you just dont want to do it..compared to disobeying because you cant do it..i could easily tell him to Go fuck off..it was just i didnt want to do it..so within my own mind i made a compromise..and i told him..that i felt this was horrible, disrespectful and not showing the true nature of myself..but if you wish..JIM GO FUCK YOURSELF..saying that to him truly did upset me..it really did..dont know why i was so emotional..but in talking about it..i was suprised that he said i was the first person who really told him like it was..others would either do it...or not do it...but never go both ways..and that is a bad habbit i sometimes have of a yes and no type of thing. I look at things from both points of view and weigh out my choices at times..the downside to that is sometimes..cant decide what to choose.

Anyway we were both horny and we both knew it..the amazing thing was when he caught me off gaurd by knowing exactly my bodily responses to the way he was feeling..i mean..sure i told him i was wet, my nipples were hard..muscles shuddering ect..but he mentioned about the dryness within mouth..and that alone caught me off gaurd for a moment..*smiles*..well anyway..we did do a light scene..i was so nervous..and well working up..i was working it up..and even worked it up and tightened and tensed so much i pulled my muscle out and had one hell of a charlie horse..but i was riding through the pain and it actually brought on some pleasure..only problem was..*sighs*..didnt cum..felt like a failure couldnt go all the way..and my leg alone was killing me..it just poped..owie..but..continued to work myself up ...but just couldnt do it..and will admit..when the scene was done..i just started crying..not because of him..but because of myself..once again i couldnt get myself over the edge..and i just couldnt do it..so we both decided it would be a good time to hang up..and what he said i should do was go take a shower and calm down..instead..i went to sleep in sweaty tears..and wrapped nakid self in warmth clutching unto my pillow.

i slept for about 2 hours..then upon returning online..*smiles8..Jim was back on...and we started talking again this time online..which is different for him..and i saw a different side to him..but he saw a different side to me as well..i even did a cybering scene with him..was the first scene he ever did online..and i was in total control..i just wanted to give him something special..to please him through my talents of words..problem was..not only did i water it down completely..he made a comment on how good i am at it..and me and my stupid bubble sarcasm..told him i am not proud of it..and tried to continue with the scene..but..well it destroyed the mood..although he told me honestly i almost had him cumming. Seemed liek both of us was totally horny but with no where to go.

but the truth is..i am not proud that i can have a wonderful cyber sex scene..i mean geeze..not only did i have to do so with so many people to understand it..i still have yet to truly understand it..so it leaves me at a loss..and i am almost ashamed that i can please through words..but i just wanted so badly to get him happy..to let him find the release..for at least i know one of us did..and making him happy for now..is my piority..yet..making me happy is his..interesting how things work in a paradox..

well i know i am rambling on..but do have to say a few things..i cant wait till the date we have..and there are so many things to do..but most of all and this is something i want to do myself..is definately go toy shopping..*giggles*..i know i am evil..but..think it would be nice to final have a vibrator, dildo..whatever..just something that can provide that stimulation which i need to get over the edge..without this restriction torture crap i seem to be doing to myself..because it is even getting to the point where i am desparate..and yesturday worked me up so hard..and i still cant fucking cum.

July 17 Mon

I think i have finally found what the hell the problem is...it is weekends..I always seem to have the shittiest of weekends now that i no longer work all weekend..and the simple fact is that it is because..i am not at work. Thats the answer..Work makes me forget everything..pushes my problems aside..and helps me deny them..but as soon as i come home or when i dont have to go to work..i get smacked in the face with "reality" that i am not happy. *sighs*..I am not happy.. Everything is changing and going good in my life..yet..i am not happy..is that greed or what..But this weekend alone was a trying time..was on a rollercoaster of emotions..that still has yet to stop..but only now can i begin to relax.

Talked again with Jim yesturday..*sighs*..this has been a trying time for the both of us..and i feel i am fucking things up completely..Its hard to talk to him on ICQ..reason is..he is so different..maybe even i am different to..there seems to be a great lack of communication and misunderstanding when i talk to him there..it is almost as if he is a different person and much of what he says hurts me..I was thinking of why?..why is it so..and the only thing i could think of is..i only know him on a one on one basis..not through chat..i only know the real him through his voice..and i have grown to love and come to want to hear him not see him type. But he said something to me..which really hurt me..it was 3 simple words..that at that moment i almost bawled..and ironically i didnt even tell him it hurt me..but it did so much and that was when he said..."i could cancell"..Yes it is true..he could cancell the date/meeting we have plan.. *sighs*.>Cancell it and break my heart..God even that shows i am getting to emotionally attached to him..once again putting another person in a no win situation. If he goes on this date..well much can happened..but if he doesnt..then..this one will be sad and hurt. It is almost like he doesnt want to see me get hurt so much to the point that he does hurt me. *sighs*..What does he fear that i am going to fucking jump him and go down on him begging him to take me?..I may act like a slut here..and i may be a sorry pathetic downer here..but in real life..i have..or try to have respect not only for myself..but for others as well..and he will see that withdrawn, demure side to me i am not going to fuck him..*sighs*..How can he say that to me..it was almost threatening me if i dont go out and sing kareoke with my friends here..that he would call everything off? Singing to me is a gift..something i share only in the case..for singing to me is an outpouring of my soul. One time i did a concert..and sang in front of the entire audience..singing "send in the clowns"..except i did so in tears. It was at a point in my life where i lost AJ, i was lost..and i wanted to kill myself. ANd to sing that type of song which talks about love and loss..I started crying..and gave the most beautiful and dedicated concert in my life..even had the audeience crying..and when i left the stage at the end of the song..i got a standing ovation. the only one out of them all to get it. It was a concert that even i cant forget. But to get up and sing in front of people whom i dont have a bond with..whom i feel uncomfortable with..it will never happen..i may be withdrawn..but to me there is a BIG line between work and play..and in going out with those i work with..to me that is crossing the line that shouldnt be..so i will go out..have fun but not sing for them..*sighs*..I was going out with them..said i was..and it was like Jim had to make a big issue of it..DAMNIT i Know i am a recluse..i know i need to get the fuck off line..and into the real world..and i also know..that i am terribly frightend of not meeting him..but scaref of myself..scared that i cant be all that i say i am.

*sighs*..i even wrote a list of all the things i am thinking of about him..and knows this entry is going to be long..and i am debating whether i should tear up the list..and forget about it all and just take it one day at a time the next time she sees him..or if i should just keep on going..but going to keep on writing..for this alone is helping my excess energy.

It seems the more he is trying to bring me out..the more and more i am withdrawing..god all he sees is probably the bad side to me..the down side..no wonder he thinks i was abused..well maybe i was with the fucked up releationships i have had...especially ironically the relationship with Jim..*giggles with a sigh*..who would have ever imagin i am back with another one named Jim..although called the other one jimmy..Jimmy is dead..tra la la...gave me a curse..and now i am screwed..*shrugs* i know..that was mean..*sighs*..but..i am jsut really at a lost..really lost.

*crumbles up the fucking list throwing it in the garbage*..why do i even bother making these lists...BIG QUOTE COMES TO MIND...."DO NOT ASK HOW TO LIVE..BUT PROCEED TO DO SO"..fuck these lists..not going to ask why why why why..when i see him..will talk to him..but not going to bug him..i think i am getting to the point where i am attaching myself to himt oo much..i see it myself..am stalking him..if he wishes to call me..fine wonderful..i will tell him how i feel..but..not only is my phone bill high..his is going to be as well..and we have been talking to each other every day..Damn that is why i cant write in this diary..too busy talking to him..and although i love it..ironically does leave me with a wonderful feeling and thinking about him brings a smile..i am also really upset right now..dont ask me why..i know i will be smilling if i calm down.

should just take my rope and have a blast...and just cum all night..think i need that big time...but even that..i cant seem to cum..dont ask me why.i am working myself up completely and having bad trouble just cumming..*sighs*..

ok ok..takes a deep breath..i know i am rambling..and probably none of this is making any sence..but..going to leave this entry at this point..sure i have a lot more to say..but..as the story unfolds..so does my mind.

July 18 Tues

well today was a rather interesting day..Last day of training woo hoo..*smiles*..and i go out with a bang...got a 100 on the final..WOO HOO..in fact the whole class did with the exception of 2 people who got a 98..*smiles*..after that we all went out to Apple Bee's was supposed to be TGIFs..but we went to Apple Bees..waiter was a prick..ended up IDing everyone..so i couldnt drink *SIGHS*..argg..*giggles softly*..just realized i exposed my age..hmm..well its nothing new..to those who didnt know or just guessd..yours truly is only 20 years old...*slaps self..damnit sometimes you do give too much information here melanie*..

have to be careful at times..for there are people whom i know and love read this..but..although this is public this diary is showing me..the real me..the person who is inside screaming to get out and find herself..i am probably either very different or just the same here in the rooms or in RL..but call this my relaxation..my therepy..this is the one thing i do for myself..even if it is for all

well i did try something new..been going to work withought undies..needed the comfort of it..been going back to wearing them..and been miserable..but now realize that i dont get any rashes as long as i am not wearnig control top stockings..hmm..interesting huh?..but i find that the most wonderful sensations to go to work without undies wearing either a short skirt or a long dress..it is my comfort to go like that..and makes me feel more intuned with myself..*smiles*..i know i am bad..but at least i know i can go back to my usual ways.

Things have overall been good..i know my emotions are on the fritz..and i took it out on the wrong people..it was just this weekend really really did upset me..i really dont know why..but it is true..i am terrorfied of the meeting with Jim..but do know it is going to be wonderful..even if nothing does come out of it..i know i have a friend for life. *smiles*..but why do i feel it may be more?...AND i so badly want to go to TES meeting..has been reading about them..and i am all for it..just overal i am excited..*smiles*

July 19 (wed)

Ironically there was one thing about yesturday that didnt dawn on me until late in the evening..It was the 18th..that cursed day in my life..would have been let see..umm..4 months without donavin...2 months without Bruce...5 months at K-mart..but i quit...ummm..*giggles*..well the cycle is broken i guess..and i dont have to remember that day..but it just popped into my head..*shrugs*...well onto more important things..

Today was my first official day as a teller...geeze was so nervous..the hardest thing for me..is to walk in..and actually have to buy my cash draw..it is one thing to start of with say 100 dollars in a retail cash draw..totally different to have to start out with a few thousand dollars and count it out..was nervous..especially since for the past 3 weeks been dealing with monopoly money..but now was the real thing..and sure enough something had to go wrong...counted my $10's over and over..was supposed to have $1000 worth..but kept fucking it up..turns out..wasnt my fault..was the Reserves fault...gave me $60 more...*shakes head..our glorious tax dollars at work due to fuck ups like that*..I was just freaking out to begin with..thought they were testing me, didnt trust me..planting it..was almost paranoid..turns out..was an honest mistake..but had to keep it in my draw to proof out over $60 at the end of the night..then it can be changed..that thought alone scared me..for it meant rather then getting it to zero..had to be $60 over.

turns out did make a slight mistake..but found it right away..but i proofed out excellent...was at a positive $60.01 which meant i was only $.01 over..*geeze a lousy penny*..but..have to admit..i am impressed consider9ing all through training never proofed out perfect..was always a couple of hundred over..o0(its the damn monopoly money).

aside from that..i was almost cursed..*giggles*.i got the most difficult transactions all in one day..these are the types that never happen but i got them..got a bond redemption..which is a PAIN in the ass..in training..the teacher even told us..if you see a little old late with savings bonds..just get the hell out of there and go on your brake..I know..wonderful teacher we had..*giggles*..but at least i have to say i learned it the hard way..because i screwed up the redemption of the bond..i was told put the ss # on the bond..not the one in front of me..*shrugs*..as well as..had a cash advance on a credit card..that is another pain in the ass..but the printer was out of paper..and ended up fucking up the transaction..*giggles*..and sure this all had to happen the firt hour i walked in..so that my nerves was shot.

But all in all had a ver pleasant experience..did come home exhausted..a lot of pressure strain, and mental strain..but it really is pleasant..the people are nice..i get to work on a computer all day..*giggles*. The workers are just wonderful to get along with..and..i am just so happy i got this job..it really is wonderful..*smiles*..but most of all..i made it through alive the first day..*whew* ..so glad i was able to proof..*giggles*..even if only a lousy penny over..to me..that was perfect.

July 20 Thurs

Last night was a castle meeting..i dont know..sometimes i truly regret ever switching the clubs..then again there is a new breed of people comming to the club..but two things that was said..which really hurt me..almost dug a knift within was when one person said how he lost interest in the topic..and how another one said.."i thought this was supposed to be a bdsm discussion"..I try my hardest and work my ass off each week to come up with these meetings..but sometimes i wonder..am i just doing it all alone. I designed the club so that everyone can have a chance to learn, speak, ect..but is it true..the club is only me..the work of me?? The meeting i do have to say was fascinating...although was primarily dominated by Jim and myself..*smiles*..i love talking to him..he is a great and wonderful person who brings a smile to my face. IN fact i am really glad i talked to him last night on the phone..needed to..i missed him *smiles*..but to hear the excitement in his voice..*smiles*..it is almost as if i bring out..i dont want to say the kid in him..but a gentler kinder playful side..that i hear every now and then..and it just brings a smile on my face..and think the fact we were just both overly excited..*giggles*..all i know is..i stayed up way too late..lol

anyway back to the meeting.yes the topic was self bondage..and what disappoints me..is how everyone has such a close mind..it was almost they saw self bondage as utterly useless..then again..*sighs*..THT once said it..when he said..there will never be Bondage Masters in yahell...and it is true. Bondage definatly goes unappreciated, misinformed or just out of utter ignorance. and it is disappointing...I just wish those in the club would be more opened..but i truly wonder..is my cause futile??

Work on the other hand..*smiles*..doing great..i proofed out perfectly today..and i was SHOCKED..*smiles*..wasnt expecting it to be perfect especially with the ammounts of money i was dealing with...its kind of nerve racking to be counting thousands and thousands of dollars..out..my only question is..damn where do people get there money from..guess i am definatly among the low income family...YIKES..but..at least i have my foot in the door of a wonderful career..and who knows in a few years can be moving up. But i love my job..it is so different then working in retail the professionalism, respect..i mean i even get to call everyone Sir and Ma'am..*smiles*..love doing that..although they do wish i use their names..but not me..i show respect..*shrugs*.

July 22 Sat

well it is the weekend again and i am doing nothing..BORING...i did on the other hand try my bat at a little quick draw love that game..i didnt win buy my mother did..she won $165.. well great for her..although i am broke..and for now they went out to bingo and i am here..although my mind is wandering about next week..*giggles*..think i need to talk to Jim..*smiles*.

anyway things have been going well..yesturday was very busy at work and well i am a little upset that one of the other tellers accused me of making her confused and causing her draw to be short..*sighs*..it is enough that i am freaking out that i am new and about my own draw..but what nerve she has blaming me on her mistakes..if it was one or two mistakes fine..but she fucked up big time and she knew it..it probably was because of a wonderful present she got. Her boyfriend had beautiful roses delieverd to the bank. It was so beautiful that it must have cost over $100...and yet..she was acting like she didnt even give a damn about them. Its almost too sad in my eyes..i mean here is her loved one giving a gift over a spur of the moment thing and honoring her with a beautiful gift that he is thinking of her..and she doesnt care. I will admit a way to a womans heart is not with flowers, candy and balloons..but to just give something as simple as that when it is not expected..i think that is wonderful..*shrugs*..maybe i am indeed a romanticist at times..but point is..her mind was in the clouds all day yesturday and she had the nerve to pin it on me. *shakes head*

But overall work is good..i really enjoy the professionalism at the bank as well as the fact that i get to dress up to work and really starting to feel good about myself..I mean between the make up and the jewlery and the short skirts..*giggles* i look good and feel good. Now if only i could continue to lose weight..that i know is going to take forever to do..but i am on my way slowly at doing so..*smiles*

Other then that..know i have been gearing away from writing daily..my fault..i am too busy on the phone with Jim..*giggles*..silly me i know..but he is just a great guy..and i think we tease each other to much..but i just cant wait to see him next week..DAMN..wish it would have been today..could have been..i would have jumped on a train today..but he had a meeting with a friend..although ACKK this is going to be a tormenting week.

July 22 Sun

You know it is upsetting..why did i let this weeks meeting get to me too much..maybe it is because of the people who have to say things to hurt me even after it is over..*sighs*..I was told that i have a problem with intoleration...an attidude that preaches down to people..and the only fucking reason i have these meetings is to impress Jim...FUCK THAT COMPLETELY. I have been having the castle meetings for 2 fucking years..have been devoting my life weekly to run these meetings....I know i dont have to entertain..but yet it is my duty, my job, my insperation to have these meetings and get EVERYONE involved..FUCK..the castle isnt just MINE..i am not the one running the show..yet i have to be because no one else will...CF had 3 founders..you think any of them did shit..no it was only me..*sighs*..i was the one who built it up..i was the one who kept it going..and the sadest day for me..was the fucking vote to move the castle..move it..for what?..why did i ever listen to everyone else..so now there are two castles..and sure we have a new breed of BDSMers comming to the meeting..but ignorance...that is all it is...i hate to say this..but if they find it so fucking boring why come?..why bring the rest of the meeting down..Even if it was only two people..a meeting can happen..See that is what wed nights are for..a respectful, stressless way to learn, share ideas, ask questions..and to get to know others. This isnt a fucking circus like the rooms..you want that..there are plenty of rooms dictating that they know BDSM..but the castle is for those of us who seek real life..who live, breath..or those who have a desire to learn..

What hurt me the most was the fact i have been told i only do this to impress Jim..FUCK..that just brings tears in my eyes...I dont know SHIT..ok..does everyone realize that..do you know in order to prepare for some meetings..i have to read read read and research it fully...i have to..because..walking into the meeting not knowing shit..will end up being disaster..it is like the blind leading the deaf dumb and stupid..*SIGHS*..i know that isnt fair to say..but it is almost like everyone puts me up on this fucking your so knowledgeable platform..and fail to realize that i am ignorant..i am human..i am learning just like all of you..i have questions..in fact..my questions NEVER get answered. I have read countless scrolls of chat meetings..and every time i have a serious genuine question..rarely does it get answered. sure i throw out questions to the floor playing devil advocate..but it is those questions i am truly ignorant of..that i am left empty without answers..*sighs*..and all that brings up in my mind is do not ask how to live but proceed to do so.

ok enough about the fucking meetings..and i know if anyone reads this they are going to be upset..but all i know is..if they only understood..how hurt i am over the littlest things that were said..I have slaved over this castle for two years..and i know my efforts go unappreciated at times..i just sometimes wonder if i should deleate both fucking clubs and just give up..*sigsh*..but everyone knows i cant.

onto lighter topics..did go out to the movies today..*smiles*..saw Scary Movie..*giggles*..hmm.really good..very sexually graphic..and overall i loved it..was laughing hysterically to the point i was in tears..they just ran down my cheeks..and the surprising part is that i had not only my mother but my grandma there as well..*giggles* They did show a trailer of Highlander..oooooo..*shudders*..been waiting aboutt 3 years for that movie to come out..i am a complete and total highlander freak and wanted to kill them when they canceled the show..but..FINALLY..they are comming out with the long overdue part 4 to it...*smiles*..cant wait for that..Sept 1 i am there!!!

and on a final note..do wish Jim either comes on line or what not..dont want to keep bugging him..but just needed someone to talk to..just want to talk to him..he said i scared him the last time i talked about his voice..but..i somehow feel close, comfort, secure just talking to him..plus since i am going to meet him next week..i just want to be comfortable with him. And on a final note..*smiles*..did buy myself two anklets..never did have an ankle bracelet before..due to the fact i have large ankles..but i bought myself which reminds me so much of slave bells..but an anklet with little tiny bells that jingle with every step..wonders if i should wear it on Sat...because..i know i am probably going to be wearing a skirt..my pants are getting too big..bad but good sign..*shrugs*..but..i dont know..just want everything to work out next week..

July 23 Mon

*takes a deep breath swallowing* Sometimes i have to say i do the stupidest things. I lost control this evening. And to get to that point i once said i would never do it..i completely cursed out a friend. Well he fucking deserved it with his pompous attitude..but what did that do?..Did absolutely nothing. and rather then relieving me..just made me feel worst..god..what does he want from me at times?...He said things that hurt me, upset me, confused me..and he has the nerve to say i am overeacting ..of course i am...it bothers me greatly..and he still puts it on me..rather then just letting me be..just leaving me alone..he still has to bring it up..what does he want me to say?. ARRRRRGGGGGG...why do i have to come online at times...the funny thing is i havent been in the rooms..it is the PMs that caused the trouble now a days...i just had to ignore him tonight..told him to go fuck off..and just needed the peace..and even saying fuck off to him..he had the nerve to use his pompous i am better then all attitude with me..and say to me that was an oxymoron..*shakes head*..See in this he did win...if he was trying to match up with me..battle with me..He won..YES YOU WON..are you happy..You were able to dominate me..you were able to get to the root of me..and make me feel like shit..is that what you wanted?..*sighs*. I am not strong..i am not knowldegeable..i too have questions a yearning a desire to learn..and what was said to me hurt me greatly..but most of all..i lost control..so i hurt not only him..but myself as well..*sighs* FUCK..i have to go..a face from the past just came by.

if this night couldnt get any worst it did..however..right now i actually feel 100% better. *smiles*..after talking earlier my old Master came back online. I called him back up..almost wanting to hear his words..and i feel he played my emotions the whole time..even the tone of his voice..*sighs*..he played me like a fool..and yet i fell for it. The sad thing is that i let my emotions get the best of me..i cried so much my shirt was soaked with tears. looking at myself in the mirror seeing what a pathetic site i was..i looked terrible..but i needed someone to turn to needed that special someone..so i called up Jim. yikes..that makes it sounds like it was bad to call him. I needed to call him up. I felt at a complete low..and knew that he would talk to me and bring me out of it..*smiles*..and although in the beginning of the conversation the tears just flowed down to where i was hysterical...he lifted my spirits 100%..*smiles*. The only thing i wont understand is why did i let it get to me so..why did i let it bother me? I know i shouldnt have..but i was hurt, upset confused. He really did hurt me..and even used my emotions against me. *shakes head*..enough about that.. But all i know is tonight was one hell of an emotional roller coaster. but on the bright side i found some release..even if it was through tears. now if only i could just release sexually.

July 25 Tues

it still bothers me..even after working and all what happened yesturday still hurts me. I did a favor for my old Master...gave him his old account back..seems yahell did what it did to me with saying he is a child..and as a result he needed a credit card to get back on..which he doesnt have..so i helped him. Jim told me not too..maybe Jim was right..but i did so anyway. ALthough last night..Jim said something which struck a chord in me..and even now i am thinking about it. He said to me..Why is it you find it so easy to forgive your He who hurt you so much..but you cant forgive your friends for a little mistake. In other words..he is trying to say..why was it so easy for me to forgive my former Master who abandoned me..rather then my friend and his pompous attidude?..*sighs*..Jim is right..i did forgive to easily..and truth is i still have feelings for Bruce. SIGHS..why did i have to start talking about this..now i am crying again. The worst part is..why is it upsetting me..It is over..me and Bruce can never be..he has his life..i have my..he has his new girl..and i have a wonderful soon to meet man who makes me all hot bothered, excited..but most of all treats me wonderful...so why am i still bothered by Bruce?...*sighs*. All i know is.last night i have not cried as much as that in a very long time.

well anyway..I did talk to Jim..*smiles*...he made me feel so much better..and the more we talk..it is almost as if the more we plann for Sat..i may be going back to his apartment..yikes..that thought alone not only sends wonderful sensations throughout my body..but i am also thinking AM I NUTS?..then again i am always asking myself that..Play nicely, safely, but not hard..that is the rule..but oh god..want to play with him so much..The ideas he has..the experience,,the knowledge he can teach me..and just him in general..geeze sometimes he even makes me want to just totally grab a crop and rope and beat him..*giggles*..well not that..but i even feel the urge to take control at times..It is absolutely wonderful..I know i have been bugging him..and we talked so much last night..but i do hope he pops on tonight..even if it is for a few mins..i cant keep calling him..because i know my phone bill will be HIGH..umm.maybe too high this month..and family is going to have a fit..but i am going to pay for it. Just hopes i can see him tonight.

July 26 Wed

well tonight is going to be another meeting..and already i am upset..*sighs*..knows i shouldnt be..but maybe i do take the meetings so seriously..but looking back at old topics and the way things used to be..i do have to say..things have truly changed..*shrugs*..but hopefully tonight will be a good one..although i feel this topic may turn to tradgedy being it is a personal one rather then a factual one.

I was thinking about Jim today..*smiles*..think that is nothing new..but it seems my mind wanders completely..It was a very slow boring and miserable day..the rain just wouldnt stop comming down and between the rain and me fantasizing..i was totally zoned out..at one point..needed someone to poke me awake. I did go to work with the benwa balls today..*smiles*..think i needed that extra kick today..although ironically for a change they did absolutely nothing..*sighs*..umm..either i got really used to them or my mind was just wandering all over the place. The question is..is that good or bad or not?..umm..i really dont know. I mean i am upset about a fewt hings..bruce comming back..the meeting this Sat..the Castle meetings..work in general..and just the fact i have been very emotional and sensitive lately. I really dont know..but truth is..i am exhausted right now..maybe i should go take a nap so i dont crash during the meeting. YAWNS...*shrugs*..but overally things are going well i guess..and will see what happens tonight.

July 27

Suprisingly the Castle meeting went so well that we overtimed till 2am in the morning..YIKES>.from 10-2am we had a meeting..it was unbelievable...but the meeting was soo good..A little painful for me on my part..and wasnt easy..had to keep talking to Jim to get me through it..but to hear each and everyones stories..and what BDSM means to them. I am just so glad we were able to have that meeting.

Things for me overall is going well..my mind is still wandering about Sat and cant wait..i am so nervous..i just hope everything will be all right..and that this isnt a one time meeting..but will see what happens on Sat. Work was all right for me...a long day and kind of screwed up with all the checks..seems we got a LOT in..a great many...in....but after the printouts..proofed out with only 79 cents over..that wasnt too bad...*giggles*..seems i keep making money for the bank..*shrugs*

i do have to admit something..i am kind of speechless tonight..maybe it is just because i am exhausted...but..the meeting last night was wonderful and i am proud at myself the way i was able to handle the tough situations..especially when my former Master came in..Jim was a little worried until i told him..i needed him to be there..i invited him..and this is apart of the healing coping process..plus..he has been a member of the Castle..he had every right to be there.

well Jim should be calling in about another hour and a half or so...maybe i should take a nap now..only thing i am worried about is not being able to wake up..but i need to talk to him..miss him..*huggles*.

July 30 Sun

Wow oh wow oh wow..this weekend OMG..*giggles*..dont even know where to begin..but this may be my longest post today. As you know this weekend finally got to meet Jim for the first time real life..*smiles*..Arriving at the train station..i was so nervous..problem was..he wasn't there..and i almost ran through my mind..did he abandon me..get weezy feelings or chickened out...problem was..there was so many exits that i could have chosen to leave the platform..and knew that he could have been on any one of them..so i just took the first one off..and stayed by the stairs...tried paging him..was really worried...then it was like..out of no where..this guy walks up the stairs..and both of us locked gazes at each other for a few moments...it wasnt until he pointed to me saying "melanie?" that i knew it was him..*smiles*..we hugged..it felt nice wrapping my arms around him..I was a little surprised that he was short..umm..not making that an insult or anything..but just..i dont recall him ever telling me his height..maybe he did..or maybe was getting confused with someone else..but should have realized he was 5'7...a friend of mine said he was 5'7 too..and it just didnt sink in..but actually think he was a perfect height..for was able to wrap my arms around him..feeling his warmth..*smiles*..

well anyway..we started walking..and it was true..i was terrofied at my appearence..i thought he would be repulsed or turned off..but i was really really nervous..so we were walking through the city talking....because our first planned stop was going to be eve's garden..ooooo an adult feminine shop. Was a very small store..but just the point of taking the elevator up to the 12 floor..knowing in my bag i had my tape measure.and even he was teasing me with that thought...but..in that shop..i dont think i turned any redder then i did there. See that was the first time i ever been in a shop like that..and thank goodness it was a small one..because..i was able to get more and more comfortable..as the shops progressed..if i went to a place like demask first..think it would have been totally differen..although demask..*smiles*..loves that place...So we were at "eve's garden" and the lesbian, goth wiccan worker..was more then happy to help..she was showing me some various vibrators, and what not..running the vibrator against my wrist..i was almost too uncomfortable with that...but she knew i was a novice in the purest sense...well also the fact that Jim told her..but it wasnt until we started looking at the books and did a comparative analysis of bondage..that even she was shocked. It was funny the way she looked at him..in reguards to me..was almost like a silent agreeance of something..but at that point i didnt understand what it was. Anyway i did buy a nice little pocket rocket vibe with a dildo like attachment..*giggles*. The saleswoman did ask if i wanted batteries..at first i said no....but Jim automatically said..she will take the batteries...and it was almost at that first time..he really got into Dom mode with me..even if that wasnt dom mode..it was almost at that moment i felt him overpowering me.

our next stop was DV8 and The Noose...they were all right although for the first time i did learn the difference between PVC and latex..i have never truly felt what it was like..and to run the latex against my fingers..i really didnt get any reaction to it..although do have to admit i hate the powdery stuff on it but these shops did absolutely nothing for me...HOWEVER..the third shop..FANS SELF COMPLETELY...Demask..*shudders*..now this was a shop for gay couples..mostly men..but they had SUCH a nice selection...as soon as we walked in..there was a display of collars. immediately i started to admire them, touch them...he grabbed one of the posture collars with the bit he seemd to like..i really didnt like it..was too much like a pony and i dont consider myself a pony girl..but he placed it on my neck..and i have to realize i didint like that one..see although i have a very large radius around my neck..i have a very narrow length wise neck...and the thickness of the collar was just too much that it literally tilted my head up way too much..i just didnt like it at all...However they had this very dainty black pvc collar with a hoop ring in the front for a leash or what not..and in trying that on..it felt wonderful..in fact looking at myself in the mirror..standing there with Jim besides me..and just running my fingers against the material..was an absolutly wonderful and overwhemling feeling..i felt as though i could be owned, that i could be the object of someone else..it was a very subserviant feeling..Jim started to play with my hair..and caress it from my face...that alone sent shudders down my spine..He knows how i feel about my hair..and i wonders if he liked my hair..but..that is besides the point..i just loved the way he ran his fingers through it..i was taking deep long breaths.

Demask had everything...after the collars we started looking at the floggers..and was comparing the textures, styles, types..at one point he picked up a leather collar and ran it against my shoulder..and i shuddered comppletely that he even asked if i am alright..my god..thoughts went in my head about imagining him using it against my body..I do have to say personally i like little dainty type floggers..really wasnt into the heavey leathery ones..thin strands works for me..They even had canes..i will admit i know that a cane hurts like hell..not from personal experience.but from others..i just never knew how much..all i did was take a cane and do some light tapping against my arm..and already it started to get red and welted..so i could just imagine what it would be like at full force. He rest assured me by whispering in my ear..that he doesnt use canes..that allowed me to take a deep breath. After the floggers..we started looking at the clothes..and they had some interesting things..some of the clothes..i just didnt understand..looked like nothing but belts and that was it..but clothing really didnt get me off..so we moved to the mask and hood section..o0(do have to say loved this store alot had a wide variety of items)...They had some scary shit..that is all i had to say..leather hoods, they had what looked like nuclear war type hoods that connected to another so that both are playing with breath play.the part that really scared me was the gags. I dont like gags..and have to truly get my hang up over about it. They scare the hell out of me. Anyway..we walked over to a case..where they had tens-units, medical equiptment electrical butt plugs..now bear in mind at this point we already spend about 45 mins in this store or so..possibly longer..and the guy finally comes over to use..and asks.."are you interested in some Medical equiptment"..and it was almost like he had the silliest stupid grin on his face...so we started talking..now of course Jim had to mention the novice part..i dont know..yes i know i am novice..but must he tell the whole world?..anyway..the guy asked about if we went downstairs?...at that point..both me and Jim looked at each other almost in shock..we had no idea there was a basement to this place at all..*giggles*..so we asked him what was down there..and the guy replied "our dungeon and mens boots"..Both Jim and i almost bolted for the basement..it was almost too funny...when going down..and checking the dungeon out..i had to stop for a moment and all i could think of was OH MY GOD....i have never seen anything like it before..and was a culture shock completely...they had everything...stockates, wooden cross, wooden horse, electric chair, suspension beds, ...we were slowly walking around..and the mood was getting a little heated...that he told me to go on the cross..now ironically which he had to laugh at this..i thought it was the type you lay back against it for a front view and place your arms up..NOPE..back gets faced out...so here i am...my arms held up by my own will high against the cross and i am leaning against it..and JIm walks behind me.gently parting my legs with his foot...i had to close my eyes for a moment..it was at this moment he starte touching me..running his hands down my body...across my curves...caressing my buttocks...and he probably knew i was getting excited..but i had to break the silence and whisper to him saying.."Jim i am not wearing any underware"..*giggles*..it was true..had on a black skirt, black shirt, an animal print blouse above it...and no undies..unfortunatly was wearing stockings..although they proved to be my chastity belt for the night. Anyway here he is touching me..and my breathing is getting a littl heated..and finally he just walked away..I had to calm myself for a moment..and take a long deep breath..easing myself completely..after a while i turned around..and he just looked at me..that one lone look i must have given him..was so obvious i was in shock..so we walked around the dungeon a little more..and he took me to the electric chairs..slowly binding me up against them with the leather restraints...at first i didnt think he would do it..but he even parted my thighs tieing them to the chair...looking at me..he asked if i can get out..almost as if he was teasing me with the "i bet you cant get out mode"..it was almost too easy i slipped right out of it immediately....so he tied it even tighter..in fact was really tight..and he now asked if i can get out...and well i slipped out right away as well...well had to do a little work..and i gave away my trade secret to him. I can easily slip out of most bindings in my wrist..because i have such flexibility in my hands..that just by folding my hand up..can slip out of it..and i gave him that example and showed him when i tied him up..*giggles*..yes i did bind him to the chair as well..although i wanted to explore my hands all over his body..but i didnt. After the chair..we were walkign around a bit..and i noticed there was a length of rope against the wall..i didnt notice it at first and he even said "i was wondering when you would see that"..*smiles*..i couldnt resist..i untwined it..and took one look at him with the rope in hands and asked him..if he trusted me...he of course said yes..took off his watch and i showed him a very easy quick bind known as the texas handcuff..that is almost way too easy to do...He liked it..had him stuck in it..and was teaching him the mechanism of it..that it involves the bottom rope movement in comparison to the top..and showed him the difference between the two and what happens if you pull the top rope..*smiles*..he seemd to like that..it was at that point then when he went to the cross..seeing and knowing i had a dom side to me..and he said to me i can do whatever i wanted to..I just couldnt..i was running my hands against his body..but so badly did i want to touch his cock..just to feel it at that point..but i didnt..and backed away. He then told me to go back against the cross..but this time he said close your eyes. So here i am willfully against this cross my eyes closed..he started to touch me a little more intimately..running his hands over my buttocks until he walked around the cross..breathing hot air against my face..stroking my hair..running his fingers..he even at one point gripped my hair in his strong grasp..i almost felt like melting at that point..and he started to lick and kiss my face..runing his lips against my skin..*shudders..even now i am getting totally excited thinking of it*..but we finally locked in a kiss..and i thought OMG is that his tongue trying to get in..but his lips were so soft...and with the stubble of his beard against my delicate skin..just provided that extra stimulation..that mixture of soft and rough...but at first i didnt expect him to kiss me..and he probably knew it..but i was getting more and more into it..until i finally lifted up and kissed him back...and he kissed my neck..licked my earlobe..nibbled on me..and it was just absolutly wonderful..the sparks from that kiss..and the chemistry..i have never truly felt anything that strong..when he pulled away and walked away..i couldnt even bear to turn around..but he just quietly went to the chair..and sat down...i had to take some deep breaths before i could do anything and in turning around..i know he didnt catch this symbolism..but there he was sitting there in a chair..and above me was a spot light shining in my eyes..i was on display for him...and i was standing up while he was sitting down..i didnt feel comfortable with that at all..and even when he was sitting down his thighs were opened..i noticed that right away..and thougths flooded my mind...and he said for me to come to him..so i walked and i think it was almost too sexily because i felt my hips swaying even with that walk..towards him..stopping inches before him...standing up..as i looked down on him..the only thing that came to my mind was kneeling..and when he asked what i was thinking of..i told him kneeling down. But i neither knelt down nor did he give me permission to when i asked him..for i did ask him if he wished me to kneel before him. And he thougth about that for a moment then stood up took my hand..and said..now is not the time..and we started walking around through the place..looking at the other items...i did however try the wooden horse..but it was padded with a vinyl soft cushion but when i straddle that thing..feeling the weight of myself against the clit..omg..needed to get off that immediately..but i wonder truly if Jim saw my excitement..because his back was turned when i mounted the thing..but it was almost too funny to see the way he turned around watching me about it..*giggles*..but when i got off..i left a wetness against the vinyl..i wonder if he saw that..it was then where i sort of sat on that spot to try to soak it up with my skirt..for at this point..i was totally dripping wet where i needed to use the bathroom BADLY. The excitement of me..was there so much..i needed to dry myself off.

So demask was just overall a wonderful place..it was after that we went to the highlight of the night Purple Passion..OMG..i love that store..it is a clothing store..the people were just SOOOO nice..and even Jim said he always liked that store..and that was the place he just wanted to take me in the beginning but we left it to the end..In this store..they specifically had a section for larger sizes..and i was so happy..so i grabbed a few pvc articles and headed for the dressing room..the first thing i tryed on was a black dress..it was all right..not the right cut or fitting for me..Jim just looked at it like.umm.Ok..*shrugs*...however after that i tryed on a red and black halter dress...I felt dangerous..The way it felt against my skin..and the way it looked was unbelievable..i looked so domineering it was not even funny..it felt sooo sexy on me that all i could do was run my hands against my curves..but there was something that made it uncomfortable..and it was the fact..that it made me look too domineering. Jim said i have a dominating side to me..and it is true i do..but i just didnt feel comfortable..looking that much dominant. It was almost too scary to think that was me in the mirror...Jim did come in the dressing room and closed the door curtain behind..and he gave me a present..of blue rope..a short length of 2 feet of rope..because he knew i purposely left my rope at home even though i find it comforting..so he gave it to me to play with..but he got so excited looking at me in this dress that he took my hands..and he told me to guide his hands against my body..i just let him run down the sides of my body..but then he lead my hands to his cock...it was so hard..to feel his bulge against his jeans i knew he was excited..and all i could do was reach behind me and stroke and feel him..there was so much at that point i wanted to do..but he left the dressing room to allow me to get changed..but even he was suprised that i wouldnt let go of his cock when he removed his hands..i stayed there and lingered against it.

after the red dress which was almost way too dangerous..it was then i tryed on a simple black pvc dress..was very cute and frilly too...i came out of the dressing room..and he just thought umm..ok..it didnt have the impact of the red dress...and even the sales person who was overly nice said..you know something that would look great in a corsette...so she took me to the back room and measured me up for a corsette..I removed my shirt, bra and here i am topless..and she is taking measurements..that alone would have given me the willies but i was just too excited..so she helped me get into this black satin corsett..and even adjusted and fixed my breast to accentuate them..all i know is..when i came out of the dressing room..and saw the way Jim looked..he was utterly speechless..and saw the way he bulged out..I was absolutly gorgous. The way the corsette sucked in my curves..the black pvc dress..the way my breast accentuate..I even asked Jim if he liked it..and all he could do was just nod really fast..unable to truly say yes..that point i had to laugh for i know that alone teased him completely. But when i looked at myself in the mirro..i got lost in it..i was just running my hands throughout my body..feeling the way the material was against my skin..it was just sooo wonderful I just wanted to buy it and take it home..unfortunatly at a $325 price range that was just too much money for me..but i just wish..i could have bought it..wanted to. I wore it for about 20 mins or so..and we were just talking with the sales lady..she even thought it was abosolutly gorgous on me..but i really did love wearing that..it made me feel so wonderful that i could ever dress and look like that.

after taking a trip to the br in the place..for at this point..i was dripping wet so much it was running down my leg..*giggles*..i was so glad they had paper towels..for i just wiped myself completely dry to try to calm myself down. But After Purple Passion we finally went to Arturos the pizza place..and the mood was almost too perfect low lighting..gentle jazz music..and all we can do was look across at each other and we were both very very very horny..We were even discussing going back to his place or central park..but we didnt although almost did...but..He even said it himself he has more control with himself then this..but the image of me in that dress and the image of me in the corsette..and the cross...all that was summing up and we were just at the point of totally horny. But we had a wonderful meal..and we were both talking..and both teasing each other..it was after the meal we just wanted to race back to his apartment..but it was best we didnt..so we walked around some more..saw a shop called religious sex they had a nice array of gothic clothing..but after that we went on a park bench and i gave him a nice massage..on his back..and he started to caress me..but i got totally nervous where i had to say to him..PLEASE..not here..and he stopped a bit..but it was at this point where our night was comming to a close. so we talked..and kissed..in fact we really kissed..just to feel his tongue his lips..and just to be wrapped in his warm embrace..it went right through me.at one point where he broke the kiss..i was litterally shaking..it just went right through me. I dont know if he saw that or not..but it felt so good. It was at that point i needed to get home..so we hailed a cab..and i was heading back to the train station and all through the way we started teasing..kissing..i even started kissing him..and he whispered to me..that i may touch his cock if i wanted to..he just wanted me to give myself over to my desires..he knew i wanted to all day especially since i was staring at his bulge he had the entire day..but i started running my hands over his jeans..starting to feel the hardness between my fingers..stroking him lightly as he continued to kiss me..i even lead my lips to his neck..was kissing his neck..and suckled on his new earing that i helped him pick out..i was just locked in the moment..until i felt his hand wander up my skirt..caressing my inner thighs..and he tried so hard to touch my clit..but it was the damn stockings..maybe it was for the best he didnt..but it felt soo good..and me stroking his cock...but i had to whisper to him in almost fustration about the damn pantyhose..he just whisperes a shhhh to me..and moved his hand and starting playing with my nipples..he squeezed them flicked them..and they were so hard..my eyes were shut tightly and i even had to break the kiss just so i could take some deep breaths...then when he started squeezing it really really hard..i felt the pings of pain shoot with every thump of my heart..it was unbelievable..felt sooo good...until that point the driver had to cut in and say EHMMMM HMMMM...We are here....all Jim could say at that moment was OH SHIT...i just had to laugh almost too disappointing..but..my final words to Jim because we were talking on the platform a few moments..but i said to him OH just SHut up and kiss me..and locked my lips against him holding him in a strong passionate kiss..then i left on my way home.

I would like to say that the story book day which seemed like so but was so wonderful..would have ened here..but didnt...there was sort of a riot on the train home..*giggles*..and i did find out some not so good news..a friend of mine seemed to disappear..*sighs*..He was supposed to be my safety net this weekend..but he just vanished..and i am terribly worried about him. I do hope that whatever he is doing that he is just all right.

Finally this morning i was just so happy the feelings that i was left with the lingering thoughts just made me so warm and fuzzy..it was until i talked to jim and he got me so upset...I dont know what for..but it seemed he started panicking that i was getting to close to him..I am not looking for him as a boyfriend..if anything our relationship is going to be strictly sex..and i have come to realize that if i was a little more experienced i would probably be a slut..any Master could have been him yesturday..but i chose Jim yesturday as he chose me...but point it..if anything our relationship will be nothing but BDSM...and it almost seemed like he was panicking that i am going to look to him as someone to settle down with. I am not..i may get emotionally attached to him..especially if he is going to be my dom..but..i am not going to lead my life with him the rest of my life..he is a teacher for me..a mentor a guide, a dom to me..if we continue on..but that is all..and just talking to him about this..really got upset..because of all the things we could have talked about..he brings this up..*shrugs*..but at lease we were able to straighten things out and talk it through.

on a final note..i was actually surprised that he said i was a good kisser..*smiles*..didnt think i was..but i do have a passionate heart and finally come to terms with the fact..BDSM is my life completely..even though this was but a tip of the ice burg a meer crumb of what it can be...all i know is..i want to learn more..want to go on.

July 31 Mon

I was thinking of a few things..seemed after last night..Jim..which i guess will now call him Sir Jim?...umm..will stick to the Jim..it is one thing calling a person Sir..and meaning it to their face...but in reference to another person..you wont say Sir..because that is a title you give to them..not when speaking about them..umm..ok..i know that makes no sense at all..but for sake of argument..Jim is still Jim..*smiles*..although i can now once again call him when i speak to him Sir.. Anyway..he started to get the dominant edge when we were talking..and that was almost a shock..didnt think he would do so..and even though he really didnt say or do anything..the topic on the punishment has me a bit worried. I even had to tell him that the punishement he gave me was unfair...and he just kept moving it up..it wasnt until i question him..that he lowered it down and complimented me on the fairness of the bottoms..which made me realize..he is completely testing me. and probably going to do so...i shouldnt be worried about it..although worrying does keep me on my feet. Not that i have anything to prove to him..but yet i have everything to prove to him...The point is..i think..actually not too sure..but the way the conversation went..he is going to accept and train me..if i accept as well..which i do..but one thing has me thinking. It almost seems that he is pushing me away..my fear is that he is going to try to push me too hard to try to get me to back down..but because i am not..he may push too hard over the edge..umm..actually i dont know what i am trying to say..*giggles*..think my mind is all over the place.

but all i am going to say is that it is true..Jim's and my relationship is probably going to just be training only...and M/s on the bdsm level..it will not be any more...nor will it probably be long term...That can be a difficult thought as well..considering where i am coming from..but realistically we both cant be..we are just two different from each other..although he can teach me..and can be one hell of a teacher..plus..umm..maybe i can teach him a few tricks..*giggles*..he calls me a perfectionist on bondage..umm..i cant help it..bondage should have that air of perfection to it..and beauty in art..rather then a quick get upt and tying it up..although..i did get to tie up Jim for a little bit..*smiles*..can remember just nicely and neatly binding him up in that little texas handcuff..even teaching him the point of how the lower rope moves in comparison to the top rope and how it locks in place..or how it can be moveable..very cute knot..*smiles*..but ..geeze..takes a deep breath..I know i am getting lost in the moment thinking of these things..but i would like to learn from him..considering i felt a good "chemistry" with him.

I do have to admit one thing..kissing him..oh..his lips and tongue the way he suckles against my lips..and just feeling the beating of his heart..that was unbelievable..and damn he was so excited..as was i...almost is disappointing we didnt go any further..wonders if that does fear him..if he is scared at the fact that it went so well..Or did it?..I mean what if he didnt have these thoughts that i am thinking..but i need to shut the hell up on that point.of course he does..*smiles*..he wouldnt want to continue if he didnt..which brings up the point of him taking advantage of me....It is true..he is so much more experience, older,..but would he be taken advantage of me?..Maybe it is naive to say he isnt..but i have a question and is it..am i taken advantage of him.

By being with him..i am gaining something for myself as well..He is going to be teaching me life lessons, one hell of a lesson in submission and maybe even dominatrix..he is going to be helping me do what i always wanted to do..as well as be the person whom i always wanted and felt i needed in my life..and that was a Dominant. Notice i didnt say Master..for he is not my Master..and he might never be..but he can be my trainer..my friend, maybe even a loved one..who knows..depends on the different degrees of love..so many things involved in degrees.. but..in a sense..maybe i am taken advantage of him..but i dont want to use that word..for i am getting a lot out of what he is doing..as well as i know he will be getting much out of it as well. He even said it himself....What dom in there right mind wouldnt want a 20 year old newbie submissive who is completely passionate?....*smiles*..i guess i really am..never thought myself to be..in fact..i was actually surprised the way i responded to him..all this time..i feared even the slightest kiss or touch and here i was literally sucking his face..stroking his cock..and almost to the point of wanting to unzip his pants..ummm..too bad there was the time constraint. *smiles*..now i am really getting lost in the imagery...*takes a deep breath*..all i know is..the feelings of his lips against mind and his cock within my grasp..just stroking him against his jeans..as we just kissed..and will not forget the intenstiy i felt when he pinched my nipples..OHHHH..that was unbelievable..*shudders completely*....

Besides the fantasy..work was all right today..was kind of busy..but one of my friends wanted to know all the juicy details..i would never want to tell her about the BDSM aspect..so almost made it into a goth thing..i told her i have a darker side to myself..and that we did go to leather, latex, goth type stores.and told her about the corsette..and the pvc dress..but i know i cant tell her about the BDSM aspect..not because i am ashamed..but this is actually a funny reason..it is because..she is so naive and gullable..that she will jump right into it..she will almost follow in my foot steps..i know it..i have seen it before..and for the type of person she is..she WILL get hurt and abused..so i am not going to dare tell her about the bdsm although i did tell her i am into some kinky shit..I know i can trust her..and talk to her on that type of a level..and telling her about the meeting..she was excited..but she even said to me..you know that i cant tell anyone elase about this at work..that i knew..i cant share my life with anyone else...but..at least i have her as a friend to talk to.

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