5/26/02: Wow, two letters in as many days.  Obviously someone's mentioned me again in a fan page.  Tim to go log-diving!  I'll put the info here just like last time.  Anyway 14 year-old "Kyla" wrote me to let me know how wrong I am as well.  Here are her comments and, as always, my reply.

5/25/02 UPDATE: A year and a day since the BBS flame war erupted, a solitary volley fired by a single girl with identity issues crosses my bow.  It was so special I gave it a page of its own.  Click here to go to the brand-new "A*Teens hate page hate mail page". (Say that ten times fast)

6/7/01 UPDATE: I've added the BBS posts in a second page.  It was a fun little conversation, lasting a couple of days.  I thought I'd preserve it for posterity.

5/24/01 UPDATE: Found the BBS I'd been posted on.  Fired back some responses.  Fixed Marie's name.  Added notes to Amit's picture comment for the clueless.  Got rather amused by the whole thing.

5/23/01 UPDATE: I've gotten a letter asking how I know the emails are coming from 14 year olds.  Actually, in your case it's rather simple.  Your return email address is "new_user@mail.msn.com".  I think that's pretty much a tip-off right there, but I'll give a list of further reasons as well.

• Misspellings.

• Mail comes exclusively from "Family" ISPs like AOL, MSN, and CS.

• l33t speak.

• Substitution of punctuation for letters in curse words.

• And the #1 reason... They like the A*Teens.

5/22/01 UPDATE: I've apparently been mentioned somewhere because I've been getting hate-mail from 14 year olds for the last two days.  This prompted my to take another look at the A*Teens home page and it has completely re-affirmed my deep-seated hatred for this vapid product of a group, this complete and utter tool of the music industry and their focused marketing.

New information is at the bottom of the page.

Somebody better hold me back or I might just go off like Mr. Furious from Mystery Men

Floating across my newsgroups I found a message about a new pop-group from Sweden called the "A-Teens".  The name should have been my first warning.  It was obviously "assigned" by a marketing genius who studies these sorts of things.  They are an ABBA cover group.  Here is a quote from the offending post.

The A-teens are the newest PoP sensation out of Sweden.  The group pays
homage to  ABBA with new renditions of some of the band's classic disco
hits. Their current single Mamma Mia hit #1 in Europe and is now in rotation
on Top 40 radio stations around the world.

The big news on this group is that they will be doing an American tour with
Nsync.
They are doing 5 shows with Nsync.  (All of the dates are sold out)

That "Nsync" bit should have clued me in as well.  Pre-fab pop-groups like to travel in packs,  that way Disney can hype them as a mega-tour.

Now, those who know me know that I have a soft spot for the original ABBA, and would cover them myself if I had a band.  Of course, I wouldn't just re-perform the same arrangements like these mindless little androids.  What's the point in that?  I don't understand supposedly "covering" a classic song, and the only thing you change is that you have newer synths, and you don't have a real drummer.  This particular group DID manage to make some major changes to the songs, however.  They managed to suck every bit of inflection, meaning, and soul out of them.  They have made some very wonderful songs into some very bland "product".

The videos

There are three videos available on the "band"s website.  Here are my impressions of the carnage.

Mamma mia

The opening line of the song is "I've been cheated by you since I don't know when", but the two A-Teen girls have the biggest fake smiles on their faces as they sing it so that the meaning is entirely lost.  EXCUSE ME, this is NOT a happy phrase you little twits.  This is not a smiley, happy-go-pukey moment, this is betrayal.  You are 15, what do you know about betrayal?  NOTHING!  The definition, and how to spell it properly at best.  You've barely gotten over the initial shock of your first period.  I turned it off at that point and moved on.

Super-Trouper

This nearly put me to sleep.  This is the most bland, soul-less singing I have ever experienced, and yet they are performing the wonderful harmonies as laid out for them by Benny and Bjorn 20-some years ago.  It's a crime to hear these wonderful arrangements being molested by these talent-less little urchins under the guise of paying homage.  It's amazing what passes for entertainment these days.  Go on, go get the video, listen to them sing.  I bet none of them can even tell you what a fucking "Super-trouper" IS!  Most people can't.  It was a very subtle in-joke at the time it was written, and no-one outside the theatre and rock-show world would probably even know it.  For the other 90% of the world, I will now reveal the joke.  A "Super-trouper" is a particular brand of spotlight.  It is this small detail that lets you know the song was written by someone who actually knew what they were writing about.  The song is about being separated from your loved ones after having been on the road for so long, performing in front of crowds and (TaDa) spotlights.

"I was sick and tired of everything when I called you last night from Glasgow.
All I do is eat and sleep and sing, wishing every show was the last show"

How can you be sick of touring already, your band has existed for what, a couple of months?  You've never even BEEN to Glasgow, you probably don't even know where it IS.  The words may actually have some meaning to these guys, though.  I have this image in my head of these poor kids, forced to work in the "sweat-shop" that teen-pop music has become, scrawling "Help us" in the dust on the back of their tour-bus/cage hoping someone will rescue them before their next performance, after which they will be shoved back into their little box until the next stop on the tour.

On top of all of that, there are parts in the song that obviously can't even be them singing.  The male backup part that goes "Supapa Troupapa" is way too low to have been performed by these boys whose voices probably haven't even changed yet.

Gimme Gimme Gimme (A man after midnight)

This is the lightest of the three songs, and the most likely "pop-fodder".  It was light to begin with, so they can't really hurt any of it's deeper meanings.  However, there is the annoying little problem that satisfying the girls' wishes would get you thrown in jail, publicly castrated, or possibly murdered by her father.  In addition, most parents of a 15 year old girl, upon finding the phrase "Gimme a man after midnight" among her various writings would immediately have a "talk" with their little angel, and probably get bars installed on her bedroom window.  I think this band could more appropriately perform the song as "Gimme gimme gimme (a boy before curfew)"

The offenders

Let's have a look at the little bastards then, shall we?

Oh isn't that cute, the suits that manufactured this group have them paired off just like the original band.  We have the pre-requisite blonde, the brunette, but for that 90's feel, they are NOT all pale Swedish Caucasians. How PC.

Starting from the top-left: Sara Lumholdt - 15, singer and dancer Trying to look intellectual, she comes off more like the little sister in the "Lost in space" movie. Dhani Lennevald -15, singer, dancer and guitar I can't tell whether the marketing suits made him change the spelling of his name, or if he's even really Swedish, but I think the phrase "Ricky Scroeder clone" covers it pretty well. Amit Paul -16, singer, dancer and piano Face it, you're only here because you're not white. (Not meant to be racist, just pointing out that it's "contrived") Marie Serneholt -15, singer and dancer She's obviously meant to be the "Sporty spice" of the group.  Otherwise, why the inconsistent hair from picture to picture?

How long before these kids progress to the breakup songs, songs that were written under the emotional strain of a years-long marriage falling apart.  To have these emotions and feelings portrayed by little teeny boppers whose idea of commitment is wearing someone else's class ring is an affront to the genuine pain felt by the original author.  These were autobiographical songs chronicling the death of genuine love.  These were not happy feelings, these were the post-disco equivalent of Nine Inch Nails.  (Okay, maybe not THAT dark, but you get the idea)

I am reminded of Pull my strings by "Dead Kennedys"
I'm tired of self-respect.
I can't afford a car.
I wanna be a pre-fab superstar.

"New stuff"

Ok, so 14 year olds on Daddy's "puter" hate me.  Not one of my hate mails has been from anywhere other than AOL, MSN, or CS, so that should tell you something right there.  Anyway, I took a trip to the puppets' home page and found a few interesting tidbits.  Let's examine the findings.

I was going to make fun of Amit's spelling and grammer mistakes in his 5/21 news entry, but since I assume English is not his first language, I'll let it slide.  However, if he happens to read this, I'll "tutor" him with the following hints:

• Alot: There is no such word.  It should be two distinct words, "A lot"
• Didnt: There should be an apostrophe between the n and the t, "Didn't"
• Iceskating: Two words, the same as alot, although you can hyphenate them if you like, "Ice-skating"
• Varius: It's spelled "Various"
• Hilarius: It's spelled "Hillarious"
• Qute: It's spelled "Cute"
• Spell checkers: They were invented for a reason.

Now, on to more dastardly matters.  

The 5/20/01 headline reads "Upside Down shoots into the UK Top Ten!"

A-Teens have finally officially scored their first UK top ten hit.

Upside Down, which was released on Monday has entered the official singles sales chart at number 10, taking them to a new peak.

It's quite amazing that they've managed it really, as it's been getting very little airplay, but it's all down to well thought out promotion from Polydor Records.

Marie had a brief chat with Dr Fox on The Pepsi Chart show as the chart position was revealed.

Sunday May 20th, 2001 19:16 CEST (BenUK)

So, the radio stations aren't playing is, but thanks to record company promotion, it's going to chart anyway.  And this is on the band's own homepage.  What more do I need to say, folks?  This is targeted marketing of the highest (or lowest) order.  We also have our first mention of a major brand name, Pepsi.  Pepsi also appear on the signs behind the band in at least one of the pictures that rotate on the home page.  Hmm, name-brand tie-ins just like Britney spears, the hallmark of pre-fab pop groups.

Following a link from the main page, I found this:

The Doritos® Sessions 

"The Doritos® Sessions", is an on-demand video interview extravaganza.

Check out the next installment of The Doritos Sessions with the A-TEENS! The band discusses their success and summer tour with Aaron Carter, as well as live musical performances of their smash single "Bouncing Off The Ceiling (Upside Down)" and "Sugar Rush". Don't miss it!

Tuesday May 15th, 2001 20:51 CEST (MCA_Records_US)

Well, well, well, another name brand tie-in.  And a reference to another pre-fab band as well.  As for the new songs, let's think about the titles: "Bouncing off the ceiling" and "Sugar Rush".  We're obviously playing to the hyperactive crowd here.  I don't recall these being original ABBA songs, so someone new is doing the writing.  And I can almost guarantee they don't fit with the theme, or quality of ABBA's original works, although they probably have the same "feel".  Gotta keep that "hook".

Hey, isn't Frito-Lay owned by Pepsi?  Yeah, that's right, they are.  What an amazing coincidence...

Last updated 05/26/02 Site contents Copyright © 1999-2001 Mel Grubb II