Our story takes place during the summer of the year 2000. The much-despised fifth season of the television show, Xena: Warrior Princess, has just ended while the first season of the much anticipated television show, Survivor, has hit high gear. (Click here for cast bios.)
DISCLAIMER: All characters from Xena: Warrior Princess are property of StudiosUSA and probably many other people who aren't us. Survivor is property of CBS and Mark Burnett. We have borrowed characters, both fictional and real. (and honestly, are any of the characters from Survivor 'real?' or are they figments of Mark Burnett and his editor's imagination?) from these television shows and, because this is a parody, we may not have always treated them kindly, but we truly wish no one involved any harm. This is a non-profit piece of fiction.
P.S. Mark Burnett may have been born in England, but he is an Aussie in this story. If that offends him... Sorry, mate.
THE FIFTH AMENDMENT
Greg, the wandering waif, was now a memory, voted off of the island by a majority of his castmates the night before. College student Colleen was picking up some driftwood for the fire. Rudy, the gruff but surly senior citizen, and Rich, the openly gay corporate trainer, were discussing the state of queers in America while they rubbed lotion on each others backs. Truck driver Soozin was flexing her mighty shoulders while emotionally charged mother of two, Jenna, angled her butt for the camera.
Gotta practice for my Playboy shoot, thought Jenna. After all, it got her on the cover of Time.
Colleen may have the lips, she mused, but I've got the...well, OK, Colleen even has the assand those dreamy eyes... Strange, loud noises pulled Jenna from her back-seat-of-the-Suzuki reverie.
She and the other Survivors heard screaming from all around them. No, it was more like hollering, really and it seemed to be coming from above them.
Soozin looked up at
the clear, blue, tropical sky.
"Looks like something's fahhhhllin from up there, eh?"
commented the truck driver to no one in particular.
"Probably a bunch o' queers," groused Rudy, his weathered skin soft and supple from Rich's gentle kneading.
Jenna's upper lip trembled. Attention was being drawn away from her. She burst into tears. "My babies, my babies, I miss them so!"
The cameraman ignored Jenna's plea for attention, since it didn't involve her butt, and trained his camera on two figures hurtling from the sky at a frightening speed. The figures hit the island with a large, dusty thud. Jenna flinched and cried some more. Soozin squinted at the vision before them. Richard took his shorts off.
"NOOOOO!" screamed the Survivors in unison. Rich scowled but pulled his shorts back on.
Two people lay on the beach, a plume of dust rising up around them from the impact of their fall, thankfully shielding the newcomers from Richard's brief attempt at nudity. One was a small, compact blonde, the other a tall, black-haired woman.
Or maybe a drag queen, mused Richard, eyeing the brunette's striking and flashy copper armor as he slinked up to the blonde.
"What's your name, stranger?" Rich said as he pulled the fair-haired sky-faller up out of the sand. The corpulent consultant began brushing the coarse soil off the stranger's butt. Hmmmm. Firm as rock, thought Rich who had been on the island with a bunch of mostly straight folks for waaaay too long.
The flaxen-haired foreigner, still reeling from the concussive impact, was too stunned to respond to Rich's invasive behavior.
He spun the stranger around quickly, brushing sand off the blonde's chest. Oooh, and his breasts are almost as big as my manly he-breasts! What a catch! he thought excitedly.
Rich decided it was time for his infamous victory dance.
"Don't look!" warned the rest of the Survivors in terrified unison, as they shielded their eyes from his calamitous choreography.
"All right, fine then," said Rich stopping mid jiggle. "I'll wait until later," he winked at the recovering blonde.
The raven-haired woman had risen slowly, shaking her head in an attempt to get her bearings. She had no idea what had just happened to her but she was absolutely certain that she wanted to disembowel the man who had been pawing her partner.
The utterly confused and irritated blonde looked to her dark companion. "Where are we, Xena?"
"Of course! It's Xena and Gabrielle!" said adorable Colleen. "The Warrior Princess and the Battling Bard! Wow, like, we must be in the middle of a fan fiction! Cool!"
"You mean dem dere lesbians from dat dere lesbian TV show?!" said Rudy. "Dat show's a pain in my ass." He stood still, glaring at Xena and Gabrielle with his steely gray, eagle eyes.
Soozin pulled her Bowie knife out and began combing the rats' nest that was her hair. Four rats hit the ground, scampering frantically down the beachline.
"Soylent green! Soylent green!" they screamed in little rat voices.
"Am I the only one who heard that obscure movie reference?" asked the less-than-intellectual med student, Sean.
With self-preservation foremost in her mind, Soozin eyed Xena.
"Listen, I'm the butchest gal on the island even if I haven't ever won an immunity or reward challenge. And there ain't room here for the two of us."
The Warrior Princess gazed at Soozin with a fierceness that would cause a septuagenarian Navy Seal to soil his Depends undergarments if it were directed at him.
"Aw hell," croaked Rudy, glad he had his Depends on just in case, "I ain't gonna stand here 'n' watch a pissin' contest 'tween dese two dykes! I'm goin' back to da kitchen ta cook some more rice!" Limping back to camp, he grumbled over his shoulder, "And dere ain't enough ta feed dese two broads, so dey gotta fend fer demselves!"
"Ya, that's right, Xener! There ain't no room for you an' Blondie at the Rattana Inn! And there ain't no room in the alliance neither!" Soozin sucked in her gut and thrust out her A-cups in beautiful backwoods defiance.
Sean's eyebrows arched slightly skyward as if the Oompa Loompa's in his head had actually pushed the START button on his brain. "Alliance? What alliance?"
"Paging Dr. Dickweed!" Colleen said mockingly. "They're picking us off, one by one!"
"Who are THEY, Colleen?" Sean asked, making a mental note that Colleen's name began with a 'k.'
Colleen gestured wildly toward Soozin, Rich, Kelly, and Rudy. "Them, Medicine Man Handler!"
"Naw..." drawled Sean.
"That's not what Soozin said anyway," chirped the street-wise Kelly. "She said there was no room for Xena and Gabrielle in THE LIONS. 'Cause THE LIONS have already been fed."
Sean looked cockily at Colleen. "See!" he said. "There's no alliance!"
"Sean..." Colleen sighed. "Never mind. You probably don't even know what 'alliance' means in the first place."
Gabrielle laughed, turning to Xena. "I get it! I get it! This is another one of Ares' tests! He put us on this island with these morons to see if we'll snap."
She then directed her words toward Soozin. "Well, it's not going to work, God of War!" The bard grabbed Soozin by her mass of unruly curls and yanked...hard. "Come on out, Ares. I know you're in there!"
"Ow!" Soozin yelped as she pulled away from Gabrielle. Another large rat tumbled from her tresses.
"Get your hands off me, you damn dirty apes!" the rodent cried as he scurried away.
"You seriously
didn't hear that rat say anything?" Sean queried.
I'd eat another rat" thought Jenna, If it meant
I'd get a 15-second-prime-spot on Entertainment Tonight.
Xena cleared her throat. The Survivor cast froze with fear.
"First of all," she spoke to her pissed off partner. "Ares is mortal now, so I hardly think he has anything to do with this."
"I wouldn't put anything past that manipulative bastard," the Amazon grumbled.
"Gabrielle..." Xena said softly. "My skin is crawling in a different kind of way. Not in the Ares kind of way."
"He's still a sonofabacchae."
"I'll grant you that." Xena smiled, causing Gabrielle to relax a bit.
"Then how do you explain this, Xena?" The bard asked sincerely.
Xena turned her attention to the motley crew surrounding them. "Could one of you tell us where we are?"
"The mighty Warrior Princess is lost!" scoffed Soozin who walked over to Kelly. "I guess she ain't all that!" The trucker and the river guide/fugitive chuckled like jaded cheerleaders from Satan's School for Girls. As the two allies/enemies laughed, Gabrielle noticed Kelly's silver stud.
"What's that on your tongue?" she asked innocently.
"What?" Kelly paused. "You mean this?" She stuck out her tongue and wiggled it suggestively.
"Ya!" Soozin chortled. "I'll bet ol' Gabrielle'd like a piece o' that!" Kelly rolled her tongue again. "They don't call her Wiglesworth for nothin', ya know!" Soozin said proudly, hopefully.
Gabrielle crinkled her nose in disgust as Soozin and Kelly embraced in purely platonic, evil glee.
"Just ignore them, Gabe." Rich comforted. "I know exactly what a pretty young stud like you needs..." Just then, bells began to ring as two neon arrows magically appeared in the air and pointed at Rich's crotch. The mirage disappeared as one pissed off Warrior Princess strode over and slammed the pinch on Rich. The chubby chump fell to his knees and gasped for air.
"I've just cut off the flow of blood to your brain," warned Xena.
"Awesome!" Colleen squealed with delight. "Rich is gonna die!"
"Hey! I'm a brain surgeon!" Sean announced. "Maybe I can help!"
A passing rat gasped in disbelief and terror at the thought.
Xena placed her mouth just inches from Richard's ear. "Tell me where we are or you'll be dead in 30 seconds."
Colleen did her own funky version of the victory dance. "Go Xena! Go Xena!" she chanted repeatedly to herself.
A solitary bead of sweat rolled from Rich's temple, down his neck and over his jiggling he-breasts. "Okay! I'll tell you! Just fix it so there's feeling in my groin area again!"
"Xena, maybe you should let him go," Gabrielle said, speaking gently to the warrior. "He's obviously clueless."
Xena released the pinch with a growl.
"Darn. Fun's over," sighed cuddly Colleen.
"Gabe," sniffled Rich, "You love me, you really love me!"
Xena snorted and hoisted chubuwubba Rich from the ground. "Tell me where we are!" she threatened, shaking the consultant like a rag doll.
"You're on an island with us, the remaining Survivors. We're playing a game and whomever's the last person left on the island wins lots of money," gasped Richard.
Just then the Survivors, Xena and Gabrielle heard more hollering from the sky. They looked up to see two more figures plummeting to earth.
"We need a new way to have people enter the scene," mused Colleen as the two bodies crashed into the beach.
"It's....Joxer?" queried Gabrielle, recognizing one of the figures.
"I thought they fahhnally killed him off," said Soozin.
"Gab!" Joxer exclaimed, dusting the sand off his pants.
"Who's Joxer?" said Jenna, eyeing the oddly dressed man warily.
"Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh," Joxer began to sing, "I'm Joxer the Mighty...."
"Noooooooo!" screamed Xena and Gabrielle together, causing a gaggle of birds to leave their perches in the trees and the poisonous snakes to stream lemming-like into the ocean.
Joxer stopped his singing as his eyes found Jenna. The bumbling warrior wannabe ambled up to her. "Joxer the Mighty," he took her hand in his. "At your service." Jenna managed to remove her trembling, weathered paw before his slippery lips reached her strangely discolored skin.
The second man who fell from the sky groggily climbed off the ground. He was tall and dressed in khaki with a fishing cap topping his unruly, red hair. The man looked around in confusion until his eyes rested upon Xena.
"Lucy!" he said to Xena. "What's going on?"
"Double kewl, it's Rob Tapert, executive producer of Xena: Warrior Princess," laughed Colleen. "The power that beeeee."
A concerned Rob ran over to the Warrior Princess. "Are you all right, honey?"
"Honey?" Gabrielle questioned.
"Do I know you?" Xena asked Tapert.
"Very funny," he smiled and leaned over to give her an affectionate peck on the cheek.
As Gabrielle reached down for her deadly sais, Xena halted Tapert with one powerful hand to his shoulder. "Are you suicidal?"
"Aw, don't tell me Ren's method acting is rubbing off on you!" he whined.
"I have no idea what you're talking about, but if you ever get that close to me again, my friend," she nodded to Gabrielle, "Will be rubbing your blood off of her weapon... Got it, Red?"
Rob blanched at Lucy's harsh words. She had a look in her eyes that he had never seen before. It was almost as if she believed what she was saying. He gulped down his fear. Lucy must have hit her head in the fall, he thought to himself. Better play along. Out loud, he said, "Uh, yeah... Sorry... Xena."
Quirky Colleen hopped over to the rusty-haired television exec. "Mr. T! Dude! Can I call you Mr. T?!"
Tapert raised an appreciative eyebrow after giving the young co-ed a quick once-over, hoping that his wife hadn't noticed. She'd make a great scantily clad, dancing-under-the-waterfall Amazon...he sighed inwardly.
Colleen waved her hand in front of Tapert's glazed eyes.
"T-Dude, back on track. Listen, "I think we're in the middle of a fanfic story. You know, like on the Internet," she informed.
"The Internet?!" the executive roared. "Those hardcore nutballs are a pain in my ass!"
