Colleen scrunched up her nose and looked deeply into his eyes. "Rudy?" she asked, unsure.
Gabrielle, overhearing the man's outburst, approached the two of them. "Ares?" she prodded Tapert's chest with the tip of a sai.
"Stop it, Renee! That tickles!" he giggled. She jabbed him hard. "Ouch!" he flinched. "What has gotten into you?"
"Dude..." Colleen interjected. "Don't go all Sean on us! It's like I'm trying to tell you... That's not Renee. That's Gabrielle!"
"Rene... Gabriel..." A gender-confused Rich mused dreamily. "A pansy by any other name would still smell as sweet." The consultant batted his long, luxurious eyebrows at the seething Bard.
"I don't like this Tapert guy, Xena!" Gabrielle informed her companion. "I'm getting a really bad vibe from him."
"Yeah, well, you should have been stuck in that time vortex thingy with him," Joxer motioned to the sky from whence he came. "Talk about too close for comfort! I hope that was a banana in your pocket!" He smirked at Mr. T.
"I'll have you to know that it's a Pocket Fisherman! Thank you very much!" the redhead said defensively.
"Oooh... No way! Ya got a fishin' pole on ya's somewheres?" drawled Soozin. "Does that mean ya know how ta fish?"
Rich gave a frightened, inward squeal at this news. He was the fisher on the island...it was what made him King of the Alliance--that and his pact with the Island Devil-God (aka Mark Burnett). This Tapert guy was cutting in on his territory.
Time for him to go, plotted the fiendish consultant.
"I love fishing!" Tapert proclaimed. "Right, hon..." he stopped when he noticed that Xena was busy removing a stray eyelash from Gabrielle's cheek. There was a gentleness in the warrior's touch that he could not stand to witness.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! I TOLD YOU, NO MORE TOUCHING!!!"
In a flash, Xena reached out and grabbed him by the throat. "Is it okay if I touch this?!" she said with deadly calmness.
Sean turned to a nearby camera and said, "I think this Xena lady is a real nice girl. I'm glad her name starts with a 'Z'. That puts her at the....uh.......end of the alphabet, right?" Sean gave a goofy smile. "That'll give me more time to get to know her and talk her into sleeping with me before I vote her off the island."
A passing rat shook its head at Sean, "Damn stupid ape."
"Could you..." *wheeze* "...maybe just..." *wheeze* "...loosen your grip?" squeaked Tapert.
"Xena..." Gabrielle started.
"I know! I know!" the warrior released her grasp on the crimson faced man. "Killing him won't help us figure out what's going on."
"Actually," the Amazon stated matter-of-factly. "I was going to suggest that you squeeze harder."
A confused Xena furrowed her brow in disbelief. The petite blonde powerhouse paused for dramatic effect then broke into an ornery smile.
"Gab - ri- elle..." Xena warned affectionately, resting her hand on the bard's shoulder. Tapert's heart leapt to his throat at the sight of such intimacy, but he wisely kept his disapproving comments to himself. For now.
"Grub's on!" the grizzled ex-sailor, Rudy, bellowed from camp.
Gervase, who had been sleeping soundly in his hammock for 26 straight hours, arose and mumbled, "I'm not eating any more bugs, man!"
"That ain't what I said!" bitched Rudy. "Ya lazy bastard!" he grumbled under his breath.
Back at the beach, Soozin studied her two new rivals. "I hate to break up your little lovefest," she said as Xena squeezed Gabrielle's shoulder, then removed her hand. "But the gang's gotta go have their daily portion of rice or somethin'." She looked at the other survivors. "Let's go, guys! Gervase is probably trying to sweet talk the old man into dividin' up our portions!"
"Nooooooooooo!!!!!!!!" Richard bellowed and ran in slow motion, loose belly skin bouncing in time to the theme from Chariots of Fire, which inexplicably filled the air and then faded away as he left their sight.
"I think I heard one time that rice is brain food..." Sean told Soo as they headed toward camp with Kelly. "I didn't even know that brains could eat!"
"He did not just say that, did he?" a remaining hair rat murmured in Soozin's ear, causing the truck driver to chuckle to herself.
A teary-eyed Jenna apologized to the newcomers. "I'm so sorry. They're all so mean," she hiccupped back a sob. "I could share my rice with you if you'd like."
"That's very kind of you," said Xena. "But you look like you need the rice more than we do. Go on."
A solitary tear rolled down Jenna's cheek as she lowered her head and set out for her meal.
"Don't mind Jenna." Colleen informed them. "She's just real emotional and stuff."
"I guess I'll
have to have a talk with her later," sighed the warrior.
"Why you?" asked the bard.
"Because I do the sensitive chats." Xena replied.
"Oh yeah..." Gabrielle thought about this for a moment. "When exactly did that happen, Xena? I mean, I used to be the sensitive one."
"Yes, but then you became a killing machine, remember? Someone had to fill the void..."
"But I only started killing to protect you and our baby..."
Tapert cleared his throat. He could stay quiet no longer. "Xena's baby," he corrected.
"Excuse me?" asked the surprised bard.
"The baby was Xena's, not yours." Tapert explained. "There's no sharing of the babies."
"Ay yi yi!" Colleen knew where this was going.
"You see, Gabrielle," Tapert continued. "Hope, the evil harbinger of darkness, was your daughter. Xena never laid claim to her, nor should she. Hope has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you, the disposable sidekick. Xena is the hero. Her daughter, Eve, is the bringer of peace and light. You have no right to consider Eve your child."
As the word child left Tapert's lips, the island surroundings came to a grinding halt. Time stood still. All living things ceased to move. Well, all living things except Colleen and the paunch around Rich's gut.
"Whoa!!!" Colleen said as she studied the still world around her. "Don't eat the brown rice, man..." She giggled when she saw a dolphin caught in mid-air over the motionless ocean.
"What are you laughing at, little girl?" said a harsh female voice from behind.
Colleen whirled around only to find herself face to face with the evil shamaness known as Alti.
"My..." The hag caressed the startled castaway's soft, supple cheek. "Aren't you a pretty one?"
"Wha... What are you doing here?" stammered Colleen.
Alti's eyes roamed down to Colleen's perky breasts. She pursed her lips in naughty contemplation. "Let's just say that I'm here to insure that you..." her raccoon eyes met big doe eyes. "...don't let Tapert get the upper hand here."
"Wh... Wh... Why do you care about Tapert?"
"Because he tried to do away with all lesbian innuendo in the fifth season and what is Alti without lesbian innuendo?"
"A merciless shrew?"
Colleen gulped, awaiting her punishment.
Alti reared her head backwards and let out a thunderous laugh.
"Goodness, you're a charmer! Have you ever considered being an apprentice?"
"An apprentice? To what?"
"Oh, I don't know... Maybe to a tall, dark, handsome shamaness?"
"Uh... heh-heh," Colleen inched away from the imposing woman. "I'm real flattered and all, but I'm thinkin' I'm gonna be pretty busy for awhile after getting off of this island. Gotta play the part of America's Sweetheart for a month or two and then make a couple walk-on appearances on some cheesy sitcoms; maybe get a job with MTV; pose for a couple magazines... I got a lot on my plate right now. Thanks for asking, though."
Alti scowled as only Alti could. "Very well then. Back to the problem at hand." Looking around at the statue-like forms of Xena, Gabrielle, Tapert and Joxer, she said, "You have one hour to make things right."
"An hour?!" yelped Colleen. "I don't even..." She looked back and forth between the smirking Tapert and the clenched teeth of Gabrielle. "Um... Could you do me a favor? Could you make the water move again? Please?"
"If you insist." Alti flicked her wrist and the ocean came to life.
"Thanks!"
Colleen wrapped her arms around Tapert's chest and dragged him to a nearby raft where she rested his stiff, freckled body. After pulling the raft to sea, she hopped on and paddled to a remote, and strangely alive, part of the island. It took some effort, but the sweaty sweetie managed to get Tapert into a deep, dark cave. Paddling furiously, she made it back to the main island, hoping she'd be able to bargain for more time. To her surprise, Rattana was still frozen.
Alti's lips curled in devilish pleasure as her eagle eyes spied a droplet of sea water trickling down the young woman's abdomen.
"Tapert's outta the way," called a breathless Colleen. "What do I do with these two?" she pointed at Xena, whose right hand was just inches away from her sword, and Gabrielle, who seemed ready to explode. Alti slinked toward Colleen ever so slowly. "Come on!" yelled Colleen. "I'm runnin' outta time!"
At that moment, Alti split into two halves. Each half morphed into a stunning woman. Colleen was nearly blinded by their radiance.
"Don't worry about them," said the dark-eyed vision known as godconnie. "We'll fix it."
"I don't see how we possibly can," grumbled the green-eyed (Or were they gold?) vixen called Mezzo.
"Would you just relax?" warned godconnie.
"How can I relax when you're adding serious tension to what's supposed to be a lighthearted romantic tale?" asked Mezzo. She had a good point.
"Well, I guess that's what you get when you let me have too much time to think!"
"Waitaminnit! Waitaminnit!" said an excited Colleen. "Are the two of youse island goddesses?"
"Yes," said Mezzo.
"No," said
godconnie at the same moment. Mezzo gave godconnie *the look.*
But what a gorgeous look it was! "I mean... Yes and no."
godconnie tried to explain. "We're writing this story."
Mezzo rolled her eyes and sighed deeply.
"You mean I was right?" the co-ed asked.
"Yes, you're a very clever girl, Colleen." godconnie replied. At least in this story, thought the writer-cum-island goddess.
"This really is a piece of fan fiction?" laughed Colleen.
"A piece of fan fiction gone awry," quipped Mezzo.
"Everything is fine," godconnie assured Mezzo. Again.
"gc!" Mezzo blurted. "You didn't even know where to go with the Tapert thing! You had him intimidate our beloved bard and then instead of resolving it well or, better yet, just deleting the entire section, you resorted to a tired old 'let's freeze time and make things different cliché! It's lame, I tell you! Lame!"
"But I can make it work! Just give me a chance!" gc did her best sad puppy dog impersonation.
"Aw... Come on..." Colleen begged Mezzo. "Give her a chance."
"Ugh." Mezzo was not impressed. "Fine. Do it."
"Whee!" gc beamed.
Mezzo closed her eyes as if to meditate. "Gaia, help me."
godconnie walked over to the frozen bard. She leaned her luscious lips close to Gabrielle's inviting earlobe.
"Rob Tapert does not know what he's talking about," the fanfic writer whispered soothingly. "When Ares put you and Xena into the same body to fight Mavican, you were both forever changed. Once you were returned to your separate bodies, you possessed the fierceness and the focus that you'd long been lacking while Xena possessed a newfound gentleness and humility. Each of you left a little piece of yourself in the other. Eve has as much of you in her as she does Xena. She is your daughter. And remember..." gc said affectionately, "...Xena loves you."
Tears streamed down Colleen's face. "Omigod. I am so turning into Jenna right now!"
Mezzo coughed and turned away so that the others wouldn't see her wipe a wee tear from her eye. Turning back, she saw godconnie standing on her tiptoes, whispering to the Warrior Princess. Mezzo resumed a look of skepticism as godconnie skipped happily back toward her.
"All better now!" godconnie said with confidence.
"What did you say to Xena?" asked Mezzo.
"Doesn't matter."
"Yes, it does."
"No..." godconnie winked at the now cheerful Colleen, "It doesn't." And with a snap of her long, magnificent fingers, she and Mezzo disappeared into thin air as the still part of the island and all of the campsite's inhabitants came back to life.
Gabrielle breathed a huge sigh of relief as if a monolithic burden had been removed from her shoulders. She looked to Xena and smiled. Bard hadn't felt this free, this happy in so very long.
Xena drew her sword and searched for Tapert. Joxer tripped over a grain of sand and fell flat on his face. He was knocked unconscious.
"Where did he go?" Gabrielle wondered about Tapert.
"I don't know," replied Xena as she turned around slowly, sword at the ready.
"He's gone," offered Colleen.
"Gone?" questioned the bard.
"Yeah, um..." Colleen decided to take the path of least resistance. "The island goddesses came and took him away."
"The island goddesses?" asked Xena as she sheathed her sword.
"Yeah. They thought he was being too destructive and disrespectful, so they zapped him outta here."
The warrior fixed the co-ed with an icy stare. "And how is it that you saw these goddesses and we didn't?"
Colleen trembled internally but remained calm on the surface. "I see dead people," she breathed in her best Haley Joel Osment voice.
"Excuse me?" Xena took a step closer.
"Um... Uh..." Colleen got an idea and smiled her most adorable Drew Barrymore-like smile. "Just between you and me, Xena, the island goddesses have sorta got the hots for me so they let me see what they're doing from time to time. Trying to impress me and all."
"Ugh." Xena snarled in disgust. "Gods!"
"These two ain't so bad, they're actually kind of cute..."
"Colleen!" Jenna screeched from camp. "Rudy's gonna give your rice away!"
Colleen rolled her eyes. "I'll be right there!" she yelled back. "Are youse guys gonna be okay?" she asked the dynamic duo.
"We'll be fine," said Xena.
"Kewl. I gotta motor if I wanna make that rice!" she walked backwards nearly all the way to camp, hoping that things truly were going to be fine.
Xena's face now had that woman-on-a-mission look. "We're getting out of here, Gabrielle." The bard nodded in agreement and followed her beloved.
Joxer raised his dazed head only to find crustaceans attached to his nose and both ears.
"Sand crabs!" he cried out.
Xena and Gabrielle continued down the beach; Joxer's howls of agony becoming less earsplitting the farther they went.
