"Come on," gc begged. "Turn me back into me."
"I don't recall asking you to return my blinding cleavage," she said pointedly.
"And yet you managed..."
"I have many skills."
"Heh," godconnie laughed to herself after hearing that last line, knowing full well that Mezzo had tired of Xena's favorite phrase years ago.
"Egad! I can't believe you got me to say that!" Mezzo squealed.
"Give me my body back or I'll make you quote Meg next!"
"Fine!" The emerald-eyed fanfic goddess pulled her notebook from her back pocket and began writing vigorously with one of her pencils. In a burst of small yellow and red lightning bolts, godconnie returned to her own glorious self. "Happy now?"
"Oh yes," the Scorpio sighed dreamily as she cupped her breasts.
"Okay," Mezzo confessed. "You're really grossing me out there."
godconnie cleared her throat as she came to her senses. "Just making sure everything was back in the right place."
"Right."
"So what's next?" gc asked merrily.
"How about we finish this monster of a story?" suggested Mezzo.
"Oh yeah!" exclaimed godconnie. "I got this awesome idea for a clash between Tapert and Gretchen! I was going to have him accidentally end up at the resort and..."
"Absolutely not!" Mezzo cut her off abruptly. "We have already strayed from our initial goal. There will be no more straying."
"But!"
"No 'buts' about it. This was supposed to be a short story!"
godconnie decided it would be best not to argue with a woman who could trap her in someone else's body. "What was our initial goal, by the way?"
"To show Xena and Gabrielle that they belong together, no matter what The Powers That Be try to make them do," stated Mezzo. "And to teach Tapert that he needs to start respecting the canon of the show as well as the relationship between the warrior and the bard."
"That's right!" said gc. "I knew it was something like that."
"So why don't you help me get these notes in order?" asked a moderately exasperated Mezzo as she motioned toward the seemingly endless stacks of paper lying around their makeshift jungle office.
"Aiiiiight, Boo," godconnie replied casually in her best Original Cindy voice.
Mezzo took a calming breath and wondered, once again, how she got herself into this crazy writing partnership in the first place.
A magnificent smell wafted through the air as the reward challenge competitors approached their campsite.
"Holy Mother o' Gawd," Soo drawled. "Is that roasted pheasant?"
Xena's pride began to swell when she spotted Gabrielle kneeling beside the spit she had constructed while the rest of them were away.
In a fit of unbridled happiness, Jenna ran toward Gabrielle, who managed to stand just as the castaway dropped to her knees and wrapped her arms around the bard's legs.
"I love you so much!" Jenna cried and pressed her cheek to Gabrielle's stomach. The Amazon froze in place, unsure of the meaning behind the young woman's words and actions.
Jenna felt something cold and metallic-tap her on the shoulder. "Yeah?" she turned slowly, only to realize that the tip of Xena's blade was just inches from her throat. Her eyes doubled in size as she looked from the dour warrior to the rigid bard. "Oh God," she gulped and released her grip. "This isn't what it looks like! I... I just wanted to thank Gabrielle for providing such a wonderful meal!"
"Get up," Xena commanded. Jenna obeyed. "Say, 'Thank you, Gabrielle.'"
"Th... Thank you, Gabrielle."
"You're welcome," the bard smiled sweetly.
"Now go away," instructed the warrior. Jenna made a beeline for the other side of camp.
"That wasn't very nice, Xena," Gabrielle gently scolded.
"S'pose not," she said wryly as she returned her sword to its scabbard. "But I'm so good at being bad."
The bard chuckled. "Tell me about it."
"What's that supposed to mean?" asked a good-natured Xena as they walked toward the delicate waves that were lapping the shore.
"I was just agreeing with you," the bard replied impishly.
"And to think I had a story to share with you when I returned," Xena teased.
"Funny," Gabrielle returned playfully. "I had a story to share with you as well."
"Realllllly?" the warrior stretched the word out for effect.
"Yep," quipped the bard.
Xena pursed her lips and nodded as they fell into a jovial, competitive silence. Gabrielle was the first to break.
"I had the most amazing experience!" she gushed.
Xena grinned at the bard's lack of willpower when it came to refraining from spinning a tale.
"This man appeared from below the earth," the Amazon continued. "He said he was the executive producer of Survivor and he had the most remarkable God Complex I have ever witnessed. Now I know why Tapert is so deluded," she added. "It's required in his profession!"
"This man who rose from the Underworld was mortal?" asked a now very interested Xena.
"Definitely mortal," Gabrielle assured her. "And definitely insane."
The bard moved closer to her partner in a conspiratorial manner. "He believes he controls everything on this island including the weather," whispered the blonde.
"That sea storm sure came out of nowhere when we tried to make our escape," stated Xena.
"Only someone with the power of Poseiden could have done something like that," reasoned the bard incorrectly, having no comprehension of modern science or technology. "This guy... He's no god. You should have seen him break into a sweat when I mentioned Tapert's name."
"Tapert's name made him nervous?"
Gabrielle nodded. "He said that Tapert wouldn't know how to produce a consistent season of television if he were handed exact instructions that had been written by the most gifted scribes in the universe."
Xena smiled, imagining that to be true.
"He thinks that Tapert's presence is going to ruin his 'baby.'"
"So he had no idea that Tapert was here?" asked the warrior.
"Not a clue."
"Did he know that we were here?"
"He did," the blonde nodded. "Said he'd seen us on his television monitors. Whatever that means. But he didn't know why we were here," explained Gabrielle. "That's why he came to talk to me."
"What did you tell him?"
"I was hoping he might be able to help us, Xena," said the bard. "I told him that someone here suggested we were being taught a lesson by a higher power."
"And he said?"
"He said there is no higher power than him," she snorted. "Then his eyes glazed over as if he were remembering some traumatic event. I really feared for his mental health."
"You're sure he wasn't a god?" the warrior asked again. "You know how they like to play games."
"I'm positive," the bard assured her. "He kept slapping at the sand fleas that were nipping his ankles and it looked as though he were beginning to break out in hives."
"What else did you talk about?"
"Well, I asked him if he was familiar with the term, 'fan fiction,' and he said he'd dabbled in a bit of 'slash' in his Trekkie days, but had given it up when he realized his true calling," offered Gabrielle. "I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about, so I asked him to define 'fan fiction,' and he said that sometimes the fans of a particular television show will be so taken with the characters that they will begin writing their own stories about them."
"So if what Colleen says is true," reasoned the warrior. "These goddesses that are trying to 'educate' us are also fans?"
"Yes."
"And if they're fans, that means they like us, right?"
"I would certainly hope so," the blonde agreed.
"So we were right to assume that they are trying to help us," Xena postulated.
"Good call on your part," complimented the bard.
"And if what your 'friend' said about Tapert is true," the warrior rationalized. "He can't be very popular with the fans."
"Personally, I can't see how he would be popular with anybody," stated Gabrielle.
"This could be as much about exacting revenge upon him as showing us how blind we've been," concluded Xena.
Gabrielle contemplated their situation. "Should we go along with this then as we'd planned? Just go with the flow?"
"Is it in our nature to go with the flow?"
"Not really..."
"Then I say we keep a very watchful eye out for these goddesses."
"And if we find them?"
"When we find them," emphasized Xena. "They better have a good explanation for what they've done, no matter how noble their intentions."
Just then, a loud disagreement erupted around the distant fire.
"You cannot have two legs!" Soozin barked at Kelly.
"I can have whatever I can take!" retorted the river guide.
"I told ya we shoulda voted her off da island when we had da chance!" Rudy growled.
"Take my leg," offered Colleen.
"Why do ya always gotta be so sweet?" asked an angry Soo.
"I just thought it would stop the arguing..."
"You just thought it would make us like you more so we'd keep you around longer!"
"No!" exclaimed the generally sweet-natured co-ed. "Fine! I'll keep my leg!"
"Give it to me!" screeched Kelly.
"You leave my girl alone!" yelled a wide-awake Gervase, surprising everyone.
"How have they managed to survive for more than a fortnight without killing each other?" Gabrielle asked Xena as they watched the once peaceful dinner turn into a brawl.
"Lucky for us, I don't care."
"Xena..."
"Don't you want to hear my story?" asked the warrior.
"Of course I do," the bard turned away from the now insignificant battle behind them.
"Well..." the brunette smiled. "We had a reward challenge and a certain Warrior Princess came out on top."
"Now there's a shocker," joked Gabrielle. "What did you win?"
"I won a catered dinner and a relaxing dip in a hot tub," she gently taunted. "I'm to show up at Probst's yacht before nightfall."
"Probst?" The Amazon crinkled her nose. "That sounds more like a punishment than a reward."
"I don't have to share the food or the hot tub with him, Gabrielle."
"Thank the gods."
"I do, however, get to take someone with me..." Xena raised a suggestive eyebrow.
"Gee," the bard played innocent. "Whomever will you choose?"
"Kelly seems awfully hungry," the warrior nodded back toward camp. "And a nice, relaxing soak in a tub might do her a world of good."
"Ha ha."
Xena grinned. "What do you say we make our way to our reward?"
"I'd love to,"
replied a beaming Gabrielle as she wrapped her hand around her
partner's forearm and headed in the direction indicated on the
handwritten map that godconnie had given to Xena.
