Richard had been wandering up and down the beach looking for Colleen's Island Goddesses for some time now. He was tired and cranky and had been in danger of breaking a nail on more than one occasion. He headed into the jungle undergrowth to escape the oppressive heat. Catching his foot on an exposed tree root, Rich stumbled and fell, rolling down a ravine. His natural padding saved him from numerous bruises and scratches on the way down. The seemingly unlucky corporate trainer looked to the top of the ravine. It was going to be quite a climb back up. He sighed heavily and began searching for a vine to begin his ascent when he heard whispering. He cocked his head, smiled evilly and sneaked off in the direction of the sounds.
"Whoa!" exclaimed the technician that Mark Burnett had put in charge of monitoring Richard's moves.
"What?" Burnett asked excitedly, having just returned to the control room.
"His movement went from its normal lumbering to lightning fast," the young man explained. "And then back to slow motion."
"That's strange," Mark said as he bent over the radar screen. "I wonder what he's up to?"
"It looks like he's heading toward the forbidden caves," the technician offered.
Why would he go there? the Aussie wondered. Unless...his blood ran cold. "Tapert..." he snarled.
"Excuse me?"
"Can we get our remote-controlled hover-cam over there?"
"Sure," answered the tech. "It might take a couple of minutes."
"Do it," Burnett instructed as his upper lip began to twitch.
Richard peeked through a large bush to see two--what even he had to admit--dazzlingly luminous, dark-haired women.
godconnie and Mezzo were deep in conversation about plot, dialogue and character consistency when Richard burst through the bushes and into their view.
"Aha! I've got you now!" he screamed gleefully.
Mezzo and godconnie's eyes turned the shape of beautiful china saucers.
"Mezzo, how'd he get out?!" cried the dimpled vixen, godconnie.
"I told you that we over-plotted ourselves, gc! Now the characters are escaping!" replied the heavenly siren, Mezzo, in alarm.
The two goddesses looked at each other. "To the Fanfic Cave!" they yelled in unison as they began running.
"It's too late!" squealed Rich, slamming his right bare foot onto the ground with a hip thrust that would make Richard Simmons envious. "I know who you are and what you're doing! And I want Gabe and the money or I'll bring this whole she-bang crashing down around your ears!!!"
The hauntingly radiant authors froze in mid-run.
"All right, you got us, Rich," said godconnie, attempting to placate the girthful demon from fan fiction hell.
"So, whaddaya want, Rich, huh?" asked Mezzo, breaking into a beautiful and sexy sweat and wondering how the hell they were going to get out of this one. "We can give you anything. A private concert by Ricky Martin? A guest spot on the new Bette Midler show?"
"Tempting...but no," said Richard. "I want Gabe and the money."
"Richard, c'mon brother," winked cool-as-a-delicious-cucumber godconnie whose brilliant mind had already devised a way out of the predicament. "The money's no problem. We can make it so you win. We'll just throw in a last minute cat fight between Soozin and Kelly. We'll even write a glorious white trash speech for Soozin to give at Tribal Council. You're a shoe-in. But, dude, you can't have Gabrielle. She's a girl. You don't like girls."
"Gabe is a man!" insisted Rich. "Rock-hard buttocks, manly he-breasts..."
"Come on, Rich.
We'll prove it to you," said Mezzo, catching onto
godconnie's plan.
"No trick?" said an unbelieving Rich.
"Well, we can't trick you now because you've discovered us," explained Mezzo. "We can't manipulate you anymore."
"Who says?" exclaimed an incredulous godconnie.
Mezzo narrowed her luscious green eyes menacingly at the sumptuous godconnie. "The wizard says."
"Wizard? Oh yeah, the wizard," smiled godconnie who turned back to Rich. "Take our hands, click your heels together three times and say, 'There's no face like Gabrielle's... There's no face like Gabrielle's...'"
Mark Burnett's six-million-dollar hover-cam floated over the clearing just as the threesome joined hands.
"Who the hell are they?" asked an irate Burnett upon seeing the voluptuous vamps on either side of his chosen.
Rich uttered the magic words, clicked his bare heels together, and the gay trio disappeared in a bright, rainbow-colored flash of light.
"Sonofabitch!" yelled the Survivor mastermind as he slammed his fists down on the outrageously expensive control panel.
"Where did they go?" asked the thoroughly perplexed technician.
Richard and his gorgeous guides reappeared next to a steamy hot tub on the Survivor yacht anchored in the island bay.
"Xena just won the reward challenge," whispered Mezzo to Rich.
"The reward was an hour in a hot tub. She was allowed to bring one other person from the island," added godconnie. "She chose Gabrielle, of course."
"Gabe!" growled Richard. "By the way, can they see us?" He wasn't looking forward to another neck pinch if the fearsome warrior caught him ogling Gabe's luscious butt.
"No," replied Mezzo, who was feeling like a peeping harlot.
("I read that and we're not peeping harlots," exclaimed an indignant godconnie. "It's for the cause!")
("Oh, the things we do for the cause," said Mezzo, flinging the back of her hand over her forehead.)
The world slowed down to an exquisite crawl as the three watched Xena and Gabrielle soaking in the hot tub. The dark warrior and the blonde bard were laughing about something as they bathed.
"Gods," whispered Mezzo, "When have we last heard them laugh?"
"It's a beautiful sound, isn't it?" murmured godconnie.
There was a playful, comfortable mood between the two women. Gabrielle washed Xena's hair and whispered in the warrior's ear. Xena chuckled and flicked some water back on the grinning bard. It was as if no one existed in the world but the two of them at that moment.
Gabrielle rose from the water to fetch a towel. Mezzo and godconnie quickly turned their backs in respect for her privacy. Richard leered shamelessly as water inched languidly down the blonde's chest and tight abdomen.
"Now, Richard, really, do those look like he-man breasts?" inquired godconnie over her shoulder, shielding her eyes from the blinding vision before her.
"So they're....big. So are mine," Richard retorted. gc rolled her eyes. Mezzo gave a heavy sigh and shrug.
"Rich, sweetie, she's missing some parts that you're rather fond of," pointed out Mezzo.
"Maybe the part that I'm really fond of is... well... tiny...." Richard looked closely at the blonde. "Very, very, very tiny." He paused and then spun around, facing the same direction as his companions. "What was that deal about me winning all the money?"
The island beauties winked at each other.
"We knew you'd come around eventually, Rich," godconnie announced as she and Mezzo each took the reformed Red-Shirt wannabe by an arm.
"Let's talk strategy, objectives...and deliverables," said Mezzo.
"We've got a problem we need you to take care of and his initials are Rob Tapert..." added godconnie.
"Then we'll drop you off at the camp," Mezzo continued. "Whaddaya say?"
Richard shrugged with a bit of uncertainty but nodded his consent.
gc waved her hand and the three disappeared in a flash of disco ball glitter.
The jungle vegetation grew thicker the further inward Tapert ventured. He had lost all track of time and was beginning to worry that the sun would be setting soon.
"Luuuuuuuuuuucyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!" he yelled to no avail for the hundredth time that day. "Where the hell am I?" he whined to himself.
"You're being led on a wild goose chase, that's where!" chirped a hovering hummingbird whose voice sounded exactly like that of Chris Manheim, co-producer of XWP's fifth season.
"Not true!" clucked a second hummingbird that, strangely, wore a small fedora hat. "You're being taught a lesson in respect!"
"Steve?" Tapert looked closely at the capped fowl. "Steve Sears? Is that you?"
"You shouldn't have screwed around with the subtext, Rob. If anything, you should have gone maintext!" the male bird trilled.
"That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard!" squawked the female.
"Who asked you?" the male flapped at her.
"I still work for RenPics, Stevie..." she hooted. "You need only concern yourself with your little animorphing bimbo show now."
"I'll show you an animorph!" he crowed and transformed himself into a towering black bear; a larger fedora now topping his head.
"Is that the best you can do, little man?" she fluttered and metamorphosed into a raging raptor.
"I'm outta here!" yelped Tapert.
"Wait!" the competitive creatures cried in unison. The rusty-haired man froze.
"I'm here to help," said the female as she returned to her feathered form.
"No, you're here to pitch him more stories that feature Xena swapping spit with Ares or Antony or some other muscled-bound jughead!"
"Sorry, Steven, but those intimate bathtub scenes between the warrior and bard are history, just like you! Right, Rob?"
"I don't know if I'd go that fa..." Tapert was cut off.
"You are a stone cold fool!" the hat-wearing bear roared at the tiny bird. "The subtextual relationship between Xena and Gabrielle is what makes the show stand apart from all of the other drivel on television!"
"That's not entirely tr..." Rob was interrupted again.
"Don't you dare play the subtext card!" the female screeched at the bear. "You know it only appeals to a few horny straight guys and a bunch of desperate lesbians!"
"Actually, our research sho..." The executive producer was denied voicing his opinion again.
"That's rubbish!" the furry male barked at the winged vertebrate. "You're just a raging homophobe!"
"No," Tapert tried to come to the bird's defense. "She's n..."
"Lucy was pregnant!" the fluttering fowl broke in. "We couldn't have a new mother making goo-goo eyes at her best friend! It's just too... hinkey!"
"Bullshit!" growled the grizzly. "A new mother can't make goo-goo eyes at her loyal, loving partner of many years, but she can seduce her arch-nemesis-turned-sleazy-stalker by stripping for him and biting his hairy nipple?"
"Well, I thought it was sexy!" Manhiem said with conviction.
"You're deluded and he's a coward!" roared Sears.
"Hey!" the executive producer took offense to the remark.
"The only reason Rob didn't go all the way with Xena and Gabrielle is because he knew the advertisers wouldn't back him!" the bear continued.
"No money, no seri..." Tapert attempted.
"Shut up!" they both yelled at the executive producer.
"Oh god!" the hummingbird gasped, coming to her senses. "I didn't mean that, Rob!"
"I did," the black bear mumbled under his breath.
"What are you even doing here, Steve?" asked Tapert. "You have your own show."
"I'm here to represent the pro-Gabrielle crowd." He shrugged his wooly shoulders matter-of-factly.
"The show is called, Xena, moron," quipped the hummingbird.
"Thanks Chris," said the redhead. "You are Chris, right?"
"Uh," she thought about that for a moment. "That depends on whether or not you're upset with me."
"That has yet to be determined," he stated, prompting a tiny gulp from the tiny creature. "How did you get in these bodies, anyway?"
"We wrote them," answered Chris.
"It was my idea," declared Sears. "The others plagiarized."
"Yes, he's a genius," she said sarcastically. "He gets one idea and squeezes it dry."
"Kiss my furry ass!"
"Whoa!" Tapert broke in again. "Let's not go there!"
Sears bared his incredibly sharp teeth at the hovering hummingbird.
