"Ooh! Scary!" she mocked him.
"Aren't your wings tired yet?" he hoped the power of suggestion would work its magic.
"Focus!" Tapert pointed to himself. They returned their attention to him. "You decided to appear in the form of animals because..."
"We thought we'd be able to blend in this way," explained Steve.
"Yeah," Manheim agreed. "We didn't think anyone would notice a couple extra hummingbirds." She looked at Sears. "Or whatever."
"Otherwise, Renee would flush you out and kick your asses, right?" deduced the redhead.
"Renee?" pondered Chris.
"What's she got to do with this?" questioned Steve.
"She's behind all of this!" declared Tapert, throwing his hands in the air.
"I'm pretty sure she's off planning her wedding," Manheim assured him.
"No! She's here!" Rob proclaimed. "Plotting my doom!"
"Renee doesn't have a vengeful bone in her body," said the former staff writer, Sears.
"That's what she wants you to think!"
"Honestly, Rob," Chris said sincerely. "Renee has nothing to do with this."
"Then who?" he demanded.
"It's the fa..." Before she could finish, a giant, big-breasted, green-eyed raven swooped down and swallowed her up.
"What the hell?" Tapert searched the sky.
"Finally!" Sears laughed out loud.
"What's going on here, Steven?" the redhead said, trembling.
"Divine retribution, my friend," the large animal smiled. "Divine retribution."
"Is..." Tapert whispered. "Is Chris dead?"
"No, just edited out of the story," Sears explained.
"Are you making sense?"
"Would you understand me if I were?"
"What?" asked a confused Tapert.
"Exactly."
Rob rubbed his throbbing temples and decided to cut to the chase. "Do you know the way home?"
"Maybe I don't," Sears continued to toy with him. "And maybe I don't."
"Knock it off!"
"I can show you the way back to camp though..."
"No joke?" asked a cautious Tapert.
"No joke." In an instant, Sears was transformed back into a hummingbird. "Follow me," he ordered his former employer as he took off in the direction of the Survivor campsite.
An hour in a relaxing hot tub had done wonders for Xena and Gabrielle's mood. For a short while, they had even forgotten that they were trapped on a remote island in the middle of who-knows-where.
"Wouldn't it be fun if people could come to a magical island," the bard mused between bites of pineapple. "And have their wildest dreams come true?"
"Huh?" asked the distracted warrior who was inspecting every nook and cranny of Probst's motor-powered yacht, trying to figure out where the mast and sail were hidden.
"I think I might write a story like that," Gabrielle said, more to herself than anyone else. "I'll call it... Fantasy Island."
"Uh, yeah," Xena replied, catching the last part of her soulmate's comment. "Right after you finish Nightmare Before Solstice."
"Hey!" the blonde feigned offense. "Are you mocking me?"
"Yup," the warrior winked. Gabrielle launched a piece of pineapple at the brunette who expertly caught it between her teeth and broke into a Cheshire grin.
"Smart ass," the blonde chuckled.
"Why don't you get up off of your smart ass," suggested a good-humored Xena. "And help me figure out how to sail this thing?"
"Do you think that's wise?" the bard asked as she rose from the comfortable lounge chair she'd claimed half an hour before.
"You don't?"
"How can we confront the Island Goddesses if we sail away?" the blonde wondered.
"If they're goddesses, Gabrielle," the warrior reasoned. "They'll either stop us from leaving or they'll come after us, thus creating a confrontation."
The Amazon bit her lower lip and contemplated her partner's logic.
"Are you just going to stand there?" Xena asked after a long moment of silence.
"I'm thinking."
"Well, stop it."
"Very funny."
The warrior raised a questioning eyebrow and waited for the bard to make a decision.
"All right," Gabrielle sighed dramatically. "I'll help."
Xena smiled at her friend's theatrics, knowing that it was all in fun.
"Do you want to check the upper deck or down below?" asked the bard.
The warrior shrugged. "Makes no difference to me."
"You take the high road, I'll take the low," Gabrielle said cheerily, heading for the nearby descending staircase.
"Yell if you find anything," Xena added as she mounted the steps, two at a time, for the level above.
Below deck, the bard found herself in a tastefully decorated living quarter. There was a large, leather couch in the middle of the room; a bar lined the left side while windows lined the right. This allowed a generous amount of light into the cabin. A massive entertainment center stood against the wall just inside the door. Gabrielle studied it closely. Running her fingers along the frame of the television, she curiously applied pressure to the buttons at the bottom. One of the buttons caused the appliance to flicker to life, giving her a serious fright.
"What the?" she jumped back from the glowing box, her eyes widening at the vision before her. Two young women were making love on a queen-sized bed. The Amazon slowly reached forward and pushed the button again. The picture went black. She ran the palm of her hand over the front of the screen and felt a slight tingling sensation.
"That's peculiar..." she thought. Another push of the button brought the box back to life. This time, the women were rolling around on the floor, next to the bed. The music - if you could call it that - was nerve-wracking. Gabrielle pushed a different button and the screen changed to a series of quick moving pictures of a man driving some sort of mechanical chariot. Another push and the rectangle filled with a close-up of a beautiful bald woman. Her eyes were brimming with tears as she sang about a lost love.
"Xena!!!" Gabrielle screamed louder than necessary. The warrior was rushing down the stairs, chakram in hand, within seconds.
"Gabrielle! What's wrong?!"
The bard nodded at the animated box. "I think I found television," she breathed, staring intensely at the image before her.
"All the flowers that you planted, mama..." sang the onscreen siren. "...In the back yard. All died when you went away..."
"She's lovely," the blonde whispered.
Xena cleared her throat.
"Of course," the bard covered her tracks. "She doesn't begin to compare to you..."
"Cause nothing compares to you," the chanteuse warbled as if on cue. Both Xena and Gabrielle gasped and stared at the apparition before them as she repeated the line over and over.
The bard raised a wary hand and knocked on the glass screen. "Hello?" she spoke to the singing woman. "Can you hear us?"
The vocalist continued to lament her lost love. Finally, her image faded away as another young woman appeared. She was speaking into a microphone - Xena and Gabrielle had seen those at the campsite and Aphrodite had tried to explain the device to the bard when they met on the beach.
"That was a blast from the past," spoke the woman on the television. "1990, to be exact."
"1990?" murmured the warrior.
"In the ten years since then," the woman continued. "Sinead O'Connor has gone from inspiring religious outrage to national wrath to waning interest..."
"Holy Mother of Zeus, Gabrielle," Xena exclaimed. "We're over 2000 years in the future."
"That explains a few things," the bard said, wide-eyed. "I guess..." She pushed another button on the console and the screen was filled with one stationary shot of two men running and sliding on opposite ends of a red-orange field of clay. Each man took turns swatting a small, yellow ball over a net that was strung between the two of them.
"Quinze-zero," said a disembodied voice as the ball slammed into the net.
Gabrielle pushed the button again. This time, the two women she had seen earlier were tangled in a complicated sexual position. Both warrior and bard angled their heads to the right in order to get a better view of the action.
"That's not humanly possible..." stated the awestruck blonde.
"Sure it is," Xena replied nonchalantly. Gabrielle gave her partner the evil eye. "Obviously!" the warrior pointed at the screen. The bard squinted in contemplation. "What else they got down here?" Xena walked quickly away from the TV, hoping to change the subject.
"Hmmph," the bard grumbled quietly and pushed the button that made the screen go black.
"This looks like a tavern," the warrior said as she strolled behind the bar. Gabrielle watched quietly with folded arms.
Xena opened the door of a small refrigerator. "Hey! Look! An icebox!" She held up a piece of ice as evidence. The bard seemed unimpressed. Xena threw the ice back into the box and closed the door. "What's this?" she asked as she pulled a lever marked "Bud". A foamy, yellow liquid shot out of a connecting metal faucet. "Woah!" the warrior jumped back as she released the handle.
"What is it?" asked a concerned Gabrielle as she came closer.
Xena grabbed a nearby mug and held it under the tap. She drew the lever more slowly, then brought the mug to her nose.
"Smells a little like ale," she announced. The warrior shrugged her shoulders. "Here goes nothin'," she said as she raised the glass to her lips.
"Xena!" the blonde warned, but it was too late.
After a taking large swig of the mystery brew, the warrior spit the fluid all over the floor. "In the name of Eli and all the powers of Heaven, that is the most putrid swill I have ever tasted!"
"Even worse than Joxer's soup?" the bard cringed.
"Okay," Xena conceded, wiping her open mouth with the back of her hand. "It's the second most putrid swill I've ever tasted." She made a sour face and stuck out her tongue.
"Well, that's what you get for trying something without knowing what it is..." Gabrielle chastised.
It was Xena's turn to lob the evil eye. Gabrielle volleyed with a mischievous lift of the brow.
"Looky here," the bard said as she picked up the stereo remote control that was lying on the counter. "More buttons." She pressed the one marked Power and the room was filled with loud, thumping pop music.
"Oh baby, baby," the teenaged voice blared through the large corner speakers. "How was I supposed to know... That something wasn't right here..."
"What is that noise?" the warrior grimaced as she covered her ears.
Gabrielle pressed the button again and the music stopped. "Sorry."
Xena took the remote from Gabrielle's hand. "Don't ever do that again."
"I said I was sorry," shrugged the blonde.
"Have you noticed that everything here seems to respond to buttons and levers?" asked the warrior as she hid the remote control behind the bar.
"That does seem to be the case..."
"Come upstairs," said Xena. "I want to show you something."
Steven Sears, still in hummingbird form, lead Rob Tapert back to the outskirts of the Survivor camp.
"There you go," offered Sears. "Back to civilization."
"You call that civilization?" asked an indredulous Tapert.
"Well, it's better than wandering around - lost - in the jungle in the middle of the night," said Sears. "Not that that wouldn't be the perfect metaphor for your recent creative floundering," he added under his breath.
"I'm standing right here!" hollered Rob, having heard Steve's comments. "Doesn't anyone on this island possess an ounce of refinement?"
"Gabrielle's here," the former XWP scribe submitted. "But you don't seem to have much respect for her."
"Gabrielle," Tapert explained calmly. "Is a fictional character. She can't be here."
"Rob," Sears returned, equally calm. "You're denying the possibility of meeting a fictional character while having a conversation with a hummingbird."
"What are you trying to say?"
"Nothing," Sears shook his tiny, fedora-covered head. "I'm not trying to say anything."
"You're just like Renee," grumbled the executive producer. "Always trying to get one over on me."
"For the last time!" the hummingbird shouted as loudly as he could. "Renee is not trying to get anything over on you! She has nothing to do with this! What do I have to do to make you understand that?!"
"Understand what?" Rob asked blankly.
"Arrrrrrrrgh!!!!!!" howled Sears as he flew a few feet back from Tapert, overwhelmed with the need to physically distance himself from such mind-numbing obtuseness.
"Wait a minute..." the rusty-haired man said as a dim bulb flickered over his head. "You're saying that Renee isn't out to get me?"
"Bingo!" Sears yelled so hard that his tiny eyes nearly popped out of his tiny head.
"So I really am hallucinating..." Tapert said to himself.
"That's it!" declared an exasperated Sears. "I'm outta here!"
"No! Steve!" Tapert cried as the small fowl disappeared into the trees. He squinted and tried to determine if his guide had left him for good or if he was just hiding. "Steve?"
There was no sound but the slight rustling of wind through the leaves.
"Fine! Leave a friend in need!" Tapert whined loudly. "You never came up with any good stories anyway! And Sheena?! Come on! It's just a tired re-tread of someone else's idea!" The irritated executive began the familiar trek back to camp. "You'll never catch me turning Xena into an animal," he muttered as he went.
Having easily found the button that produced the retrieval of the power boat's anchor, the bard and warrior made their way to the top deck of the Survivor yacht. After studying the control panel for a few minutes, Gabrielle decided that the button marked Power would be their best bet for sailing. She pressed it quickly and the engine roared to life.
"Yikes!" the blonde cried out as she looked around her for any signs of trouble.
"It sounds like the Barrachus," Xena reminisced.
"I wonder what this does?" asked the bard as she pushed a silver lever away from her. The boat lurched forward so abruptly that both women were thrown to the floor. "Oof!" the Amazon exhaled as her rump connected with a portion of the metal railing that encircled the deck.
As they regained their balance, the warrior took a moment to bestow upon the bard a rather daunting snarl. Gabrielle glared back at Xena and rubbed her backside.
"That's what you get for trying something without knowing what it is," the warrior happily threw the bard's words back at her.
"Hey," quipped Gabrielle. "At least I got the boat moving."
"I'll give you that much," the warrior granted with a hidden smile.
"Now what?" asked the Amazon as they both approached the control panel a second time.
"Hold on," ordered Xena as she moved the lever slowly forward and guided the yacht away from the island with the steering wheel.
"Wow," cracked Gabrielle. "You really do have many skills."
Xena smiled slyly and
winked at her partner. Unfortunately for both of them, Xena's
skills did not include recognizing when a fuel gauge was fast
approaching Empty.
