"Aw, Jesus..." Soozin groaned as she spotted the approaching figure. "Here comes Taahpert again."
Colleen scrunched up her perfect little nose.
"I don't know why you guys react so negatively to him," stated Sean. "He's a good looking guy and clearly successful."
"You got a crush on him, Sean?" laughed Kelly.
"No. I just don't know what's wrong with you women these days," he said defensively. "I mean, you're stranded on a deserted island for over a month with an old guy, a lazy guy, a fat, naked, gay guy, and a fairly attractive surgeon and you all still refuse to sleep with me!"
"We aren't here for sex, Sean," the co-ed explained.
"Why not?!" bellowed the doctor.
"We came here to win a million dollars, ya dumbass," Soo chimed in. "Not to get laid."
"But don't you see? You could have both!" he desperately tried to convince them.
"We don't want both!" growled Kelly.
"Ever?" asked Jenna.
"No," Kelly sighed. "I mean with him."
Jenna considered this. "But what if he was the last man on Earth?"
"Yeah!" Sean chirped through his swollen nasal passages. "What if I was the last man on Earth?"
"Sean," Kelly replied solemnly. "If you were the last man on Earth... Soozin would be gettin' her Wigglesworth."
"Gruesome mental picture!" Colleen squealed and waved her hands in an attempt to push the image away.
Upon reaching the campsite, Tapert heard only Colleen's remark. "Let me guess..." he broke in uninvited. "Sears showed you a preview of the new show."
"Sears has a new show?" asked an intrigued Jenna. "Is it on the Home Shopping Network?"
"What?" questioned Tapert.
"I really need to buy some new bedding for the girls when I get home," said the young mother of two.
"Ooo..." moaned Soozin. "Maybe Sears is gonna give us a free shoppin' spree!"
"Why would Steve give you wenches anything for free?" asked Tapert.
"Who's Steve?" inquired Kelly.
"Sears!" he barked. "Steven Sears!"
"Maybe he wants ta promote his store, Taahpert," Soo said condescendingly.
"What the hell are you talking about?" asked the befuddled executive producer.
"I'm talkin' 'bout free booty," replied Soo. "Whaddaya think I was talkin' about?"
"I'd like some free booty," thought Sean, who had been pouting ever since losing his audience to the red-haired TV exec.
"I thought you were talking about Sheen..."
"Why don't youse broads shut yer pieholes!" interrupted Rudy. "Ya got nothin' important ta say, so don't say nothin'!"
"Hey!" shouted Colleen.
"Hush, girlie!" the old man instructed.
"No, really!" the co-ed continued, pointing out to sea. "Isn't that Probst's yacht?"
Tapert and the Survivors turned their attention toward the large motor boat as it sailed past their camp.
"I wonder if Jeff is feeling better?" asked Jenna to no one in particular. "He was acting a little peculiar today."
"He don't usually take this route," said the always suspicious Soo. "What's he up to?"
"There was a yacht nearby and none of you reprobates felt the need to share that information with me?" howled Tapert. He took a few angry strides towards the water. "I could have been out of here two days ago!!!"
At that moment, the landlocked spectators heard the yacht's distant motor sputter and expire.
"That can't be good," stated Gabrielle as she felt the boat lose its momentum.
Xena pushed the metal lever as far forward as it would go but the engine failed to respond.
"It died," the perplexed warrior announced.
"You killed it?" asked the bewildered bard. "I mean, Xena... You've killed a lot of things in your time, but to kill a boat?!"
"I didn't kill it!" the brunette said defensively. "It just died!"
"Boats don't die!"
"Well, this one did!" Xena pushed the POWER button a few times and bent down to look under the control console with the same false mechanic know-how as many a deluded 20th century man. "All I see here are a bunch of wires."
"What's that?" asked a very still Gabrielle.
"What's what?" replied Xena, looking up at the blonde.
"Listen," the Amazon whispered.
A low whistling sound could be heard coming from the vast open space above the ocean. The warrior stood to get a better take on the noise, a swelling breeze blowing back her hair. Her brow creased in deep concern as the noise continued to grow louder until it howled like a shrieking banshee. "Hold on to something, Gabrielle!" she shouted as a great gust of wind hit the side of the boat.
"Not another freak water incident!" cried the harried bard as the waves began to rise and the boat was blown toward shore.
"Ow! That hurts!" whined the already bruised Sean as he and the other onlookers shielded their faces from the stinging sand and water that had started coming their way.
Within minutes, the once powerful Survivor yacht was forced onto the beach by the mighty breeze. And if that weren't impressive enough, once the boat met the shore, it was toppled over onto its side, the warrior and bard sent tumbling to the wet sand beneath them.
"Sonofabacchae!" growled Xena, rolling into a standing position.
"What was that you said earlier about the Island Goddesses stopping us from escaping?" queried Gabrielle as she lifted herself up onto her elbows.
"You know..." the warrior confessed while slapping the saturated grit from her leathers. "Sometimes I'd like to be wrong about something."
"Oh you are, Warrior Princess," cracked Gabrielle as she rose to her feet. "You just never want to admit it."
"Very funny," Xena said flatly as she approached her grimy partner. "You got a little right there," she pointed to the blonde's breasts.
"Where?" Gabrielle looked down and was met with a gentle flick to the nose.
"Gotcha," the warrior chuckled and walked away.
Gabrielle closed her
eyes, knowing she'd fallen for one of the oldest tricks in the
book. She shook her head, smiled and followed after her soulmate.
A few hundred yards outside of the Survivor camp, a rainbow swirling whirlpool appeared and out of it stepped godconnie and Mezzo with Rich in tow.
"You've got the supplies and you know what to do, right, Rich?" asked godconnie.
"Yeah. Sure." replied the always-arrogant Rich. The Island Goddesses looked at each other, realizing they had, indeed, entered into a deal with the devil himself. But what are a couple of gorgeous girls to do?
Mezzo looked at her watch. "Heavens! Look at the time. Come on, goddess of all things Connie. We have much more multi-tasking to accomplish." godconnie nodded and the two stepped back through the whirlpool.
Rich tucked his supplies away. He would need them later. His heart still hurt to find out that Gabe was really Gabrielle. But this Tapert guy had a lot of charm in a receding hairline kind of way. He was tall and had curly red hair and a lovely, plump ass. Rich sighed. But Tapert was no Gabe. Still, this was his chance at winning the game, the glory...and the money. Rich set about the task at hand.
Night had fallen on the tropical island. It was cool and crisp and the Survivor camp was fairly quiet. The remaining Survivors, save for Rich, were asleep near the fire. Xena and Gabrielle lay in each other's arms. The stars shone brightly on them.
Good lighting, thought Tapert as he stared at the two with not a small amount of jealousy. He had been more than patient with this whole "I'm Xena" business from Lucy but this... this was just too much although, it was kind of a turn-on.
Tapert sighed. Maybe
that Colleen chick is right. Maybe I am in a fan
fiction, he thought. What if that really is Xena and Gabrielle?
Tapert watched the Warrior Princess in her sleep. She is glorious,
he mused. And her head had already healed from the bump she received
earlier. And she is, frankly, more attractive than Lucy and
she kicks ass and, oh, those eyes... Tapert shook his head,
wondering where these bizarre thoughts were coming from. Lucy
was his wife and she was real! He stood up and headed into the
jungle.
"Where ya goin' thahr?" Sooozin's irritating voice rang out.
"Potty humor...er, break," replied Tapert.
The executive producer wandered away from camp until he found himself in a small, grassy meadow. It was surrounded by trees and offered a beautiful view of the moon. He was thinking on what new manner of evil could befall Gabrielle in Season Six as he relieved himself.
Tapert was heading back to camp when she appeared. Jet black hair and piercing blue eyes gazed at him from the trees.
"Xena?" said Tapert.
"It's me," she replied, her voice low and husky. "I was looking for you."
She approached him, all leg and thighs and Tapert wished they'd wrap around him and squeeze the life right out. What a way to go. The dark woman grabbed him and pulled him into a blazing kiss. Tapert surrendered.
"It's always been you, Xena," he gasped breathlessly as they tore themselves from each other's lips.
"Prove it, lover boy," she responded as the two figures melted into the ground.
It was a night of passionate lovemaking such as Tapert had never experienced and could not quite remember the details...except that it felt good. Exhausted and sated, he lay in her strong, unusually hairy arms, not knowing where he ended and where she began...or even why his butt was kind of sore. In a good way. He fell asleep with a smile on his lips. He didn't wake up when the dark-haired woman stole away into the quiet, star-filled night.
The sun shone brightly on the island inhabitants. The Survivors, including the recently returned Rich, Xena and Gabrielle were preparing to head off to the mail tree for the next clue to the day's challenge when they heard screaming. Everyone looked up to the sky.
But, no, it was Tapert, running down the beach toward them, his stomach protruding like he had a basketball under his shirt. He was screaming at the top of his lungs.
"He looks like he's pregnaahnt," laughed Soozin.
"Damn queers," groused Rudy.
"Can he get pregnant?" asked Sean the doctor.
Tapert ran up to Xena.
"You! You did this to me!" the red-haired executive whimpered.
"Well, I have many skills, but..." said Xena.
"We had hot, naked, fabulous sex last night and I woke up... like this!" sobbed Tapert.
Rich smiled.
Gabrielle narrowed her eyes at Xena.
"I didn't have sex, hot or otherwise, with you last night or any other night!" exclaimed the warrior eyeing Gabrielle warily.
"Blue eyes, black hair, thighs that can crush walnuts... it was you!" Tapert said fiercely.
"Listen, Tapert. I didn't have sex with you. I mean, really, you're not my type."
"Thaat's right," said Soozin. "The Warrior Babe and Blondie here was at camp all night. I stayed awake to make sure she wasn't pullin' no funny business after you headed into the woods, Taaahhhpert."
"Then what do you call this?!?!" screamed the television mogul pointing at his enlarged stomach.
"Poetic justice," giggled Colleen.
Xena approached the distraught Tapert. She placed her ear at his stomach and her blue eyes widened.
"I'd say you're about six months pregnant," said Xena.
Tapert promptly fainted. Xena caught him and lowered him gently to the ground. Gabrielle grabbed some clothing from the camp and created a make-shift pillow.
Xena went into full-press mode addressing the Survivors.
"All of you should head to the challenge area and we'll catch up after we make sure Tapert's OK," the Warrior Princess said. The Survivors shrugged and headed down the beach without a glance back at the unconscious executive.
"I don't think they care about Tapert," giggled Colleen.
Xena caught the co-ed by the arm "You stay for a bit," she ordered. The Warrior waited until the other Survivors were out of earshot and then turned her attention to Colleen.
"Do you know what this is about?" she demanded.
Colleen gulped her giggles and shrugged. "I'm thinking maybe Tapert here's being taught a lesson."
"I thought we were being taught a lesson," growled a very frustrated Warrior Princess.
"Well, you can get a lot of lessons and stuff into this long of a fan fiction," replied Colleen. She gasped and covered her mouth as the words she said hit her brain. "Ooops, probably shouldn't have said that out loud," said the cuddly and cute co-ed looking about her warily. She didn't know if the Island Goddesses would be happy to be told their fan fic was, well, long.
Xena closed her eyes for a second and searched for some patience. She opened her baby blues and found Gabrielle's concerned green eyes.
"Gabrielle, we know who's behind this, but we've got to figure out why and how to get off this island," said the angry brunette. "We've been jerked around long enough and it's time we did the jerking."
"Xena, I don't think it's that simple," said the bard said quietly.
"I know, I know," said the now thoroughly exasperated warrior. "But we've got to at least try. I've got a plan."
"Is this a dangerous plan?" asked the bard.
Xean snorted. "No. Just a search and discover. With a little help," the warrior said, glaring at Colleen. The co-ed's eyes opened wide under Xena's gaze.
"You said it was the island goddesses who brought us here," said Xena.
"Uh, huh. Island Goddesses. Capital "I." Capital "G." Beautiful. Powerful. blah-dee-blah-blah," said the cuddly Survivor.
Xena rolled her eyes. "Will they talk to you or appear to you?"
"Their opinion of my cute quotient is quite high, but they've got that 'we're all mysterious' thang going on," frowned the co-ed who suddenly brightened. "But I can show youse to the last place they visited me, if you want."
Xena looked to her soulmate. "Gabrielle, I've got to go and try and talk to these Island Goddesses," said Xena.
Gabrielle nodded. "I know. See what you can find out. I'll stay here with Tapert. I'm sure the Island Goddesses had something to do with this as well. That baby will probably be coming within the next few hours. Besides," said the bard wryly. "You and I are the only people on this island prepared to deal with an unusual pregnancy."
Xena gave Gabrielle a small smile. "We'll try our best to get back before the baby comes." The warrior grabbed Gabrielle and held her close for a moment. She then turned to Colleen.
"Lead the way,"
she said. Colleen headed into the jungle with Xena
following.
Gabrielle turned her
attention to the still unconscious Tapert and his even more enormous
pregnant stomach. She looked to the glaring, midday sky and and
dragged the unconcious tv executive near a tree to make sure he
had shade from the hot sun.
