Tapert woke up slowly. He looked down at his stomach and groaned.
"That's it. Obviously reality and I have had a falling out," he said, struggling to get up off the ground with no success. The bard noticed the executive was awake and came to help him.
"Where is everyone?" asked the pregnant executive looking around.
"Xena and Colleen have gone to look for something and the others headed off for another challenge," said Gabrielle.
"Great. Just like a woman to leave you in your hour of need," complained Tapert. "And I get left behind with the sidekick. Wonderful."
"She'll be back soon," Gabrielle said, ignoring the executive's dig and helping the pregnant man upright.
"How are you feeling, Tapert?" asked the bard.
"Surreal comes to mind," the executive replied. "You know what? It's all clear to me now."
"Clear?" Gabrielle asked.
"You see, I thought this..." he waved his hand around at the island. "Was real. And that you were Renee O'Connor and the tall brunette with the copper tits was Lucy Lawless, my wife," Tapert caught a menacing glare from the bard. The executive thrust his jaw out.
"What? Is it because I said tits or called your 'Xena' my wife?" Tapert caught the sound of Gabrielle's sais unsheathing.
"Baby on board, sister. I've got immunity from those things," he pointed to his stomach.
Gabrielle looked at him in confusion as she used her sais to spear some fruit hanging from a nearby tree. She knew Tapert needed sustenance with the baby coming soon.
The executive watched as Gabrielle stabbed the fruit, her back muscles flexing and rippling. The fruit was just a little out of reach for her and the blonde bard had to stretch to reach it. His eyes traveled down Gabrielle's hips and then over her thighs and calves.
Wonder how she feels about pregnant men? he mused, flicking his eyes back up to check out her shoulders. Tapert's mind wandered some more and then snapped back to his previous, un-sex-related train of thought.
Must be the hormones from the baby. Lucy was always like this when she was pregnant, the executive frowned. Well, she wasn't that way with Renee just me, he thought with only a small amount of conviction.
"Where was I?" Tapert said out loud to Gabrielle. "Oh, yeah, anyway I just figured you both had lost your minds or maybe it was just some flaky actress 'I'm getting into character' thing."
The bard sliced the fruit and handed the pregnant man a piece.
"Tapert, I know that you have some sort of show that's like a play. It's called a television show and it tells of Xena and my adventures"
"Xena only you're just the sidekick and spin-on-a-dime plot device," he replied, juice from the fruit running down his chin.
Gabrielle tensed, took a deep breath, counted to five and continued.
"But I am Gabrielle and your wife, er, I mean the tall brunette, is Xena. We're real. This is real."
"Not real," said Tapert calmly holding a finger in the air. "This is just some strange dream or I've been drugged...or I took some drugs. I do have a fondness for mushrooms. But whatever, I'm done with it and I am sooo out of here."
The redhead tossed back the last of the fruit and began to walk away from the bard.
Gabrielle knew that if Tapert took off, she wouldn't be able to help the executive when the baby came. She caught up with him, gently restraining the emotional parent-to-be.
"Tapert..."
"Hands off, not-real woman," he said pulling his arm away.
Gabrielle realized she needed to appeal to the ego of the executive if she were to get through to him.
"Listen, Tapert. You claim to be..."
"The power that be that's me," the executive smiled.
The Bard nodded. "Patience, Gabrielle, patience," she reminded herself.
"Since you're the...power that be...if this were your dream wouldn't you be in control of it? Wouldn't you have nice things happening to you instead of bad things? Wouldn't Xe...I mean Lucy, be in love with you? Even if it was henbane..."
"Mushrooms," interrupted Tapert.
Gabrielle sighed. "OK. Even if it were mushrooms or one of your plays about Xena and me...aren't you the one with the power?"
"Welllll," said Tapert.
Gabrielle rushed on, hoping she could convince the executive of the reality of their situation and maybe, just maybe, get his help. "But you can't control everything here, which is how reality is uncontrollable," reasoned the bard.
Tapert's eyes widened at her argument. His giganticus ego struggled like a bug on a pin. Then he frowned in a moment of actual rational thinking.
"Well, either way: real or a dream, drugs or insanity, my power to be-ness seems to be fucked," he said.
Gabrielle wasn't sure what the last word meant, but she was fairly certain it wasn't a nice verb.
"Tapert, Xena and I think we know what's going on. We're in some place where both our worlds meet. Colleen called it a fan fiction," the bard continued.
"I know all about this 'fan fiction' theory," crabbed the executive. Then the full meaning of the word hit his brain and a startled and suddenly frightened Tapert looked wildly about him. "The FANS have something to do with this?!"
"That's what we think," Gabrielle continued, ignoring the man's fearful expression. "Except it's not fiction this time. It's real. Someone, we think it's the Island Goddesses, brought us here to teach us some sort of lesson or give us some kind of knowledge."
"Teach us? I don't need no learnin'," scoffed the executive. "Especially from the fans. I just need to get my power back and Xena, er, Lucy. Besides, how am I supposed to learn anything in as complicated a plot as what's happening here?! Who could understand this? It hurts my brain just to think about it."
Gabrielle closed her eyes, breathed deeply and counted to ten. The red-haired pregnant man was just too hormonal to hear anything. She had to let it go for now.
"Look, not-real Gabrielle. I'm hot. I'm thirsty and I need to pee... even if this is a dream."
Tapert headed over to a small grove of bushes. Gabrielle turned her back to give him privacy. The executive fumbled with his pants, trying to find the straining zipper. Thank god for stretch material. He couldn't see anything down there beyond his still growing and very round stomach. After a considerable amount of not unpleasant groping and some bitching about the unfairness of it all, Tapert managed to relieve his bladder and zip back up. He stopped to wash his hands in a small waterfall where some conveniently placed soap and a towel lay.
"I can't even see my toes," he grumbled to no one in particular, waddling back toward the blonde warrior.
Gabrielle came over to Tapert, putting her arm around his waist and helping him to sit on a large rock.
"You've got to rest, Tapert. That baby's due anytime now," she said quietly. Memories of Solan, Hope and Eve came to her in a rush. She pushed them away.
"I am not having a baby," sniffled Tapert. "I told you. This is not real. It's just one giant mushroom-induced nightmare and I am waiting to wake up."
Something akin to compassion flickered across Tapert's face as he looked at Gabrielle's melancholy expression.
"Hey, what's wrong? You seem kind of sad," he said to the bard.
Gabrielle shrugged her shoulders. "Memories. We've Xena and I, that is. We've not had the best of luck with our children."
Tapert was considering going over to Gabrielle and offering something words of encouragement, support maybe even an apology for his part in her suffering. After all, he had made the decision for Gabrielle to become pregnant by Dahokagainst her willand he had Baby Hope written as evil.
Babies aren't born evil, really, thought the executive. Maybe it wasn't the best way to have handled that situation after all. And it had to hurt Gabrielle when Xena got pregnant and I made the writers deem Eve as good, he sighed. Of course, then, after all the murders the adult Eve/Livia committed I allowed her redemption from a shaft of light when Hope was never offered that chance. Ouch! Had to hurt.
A wee tear began to appear at the corner of the executive's eye.
And look at what's happened to their relationship in Season Five, he thought. After all, Xena and Gabrielle's love is the heart of the...
"Arrrrrgghghghghghghghg!," screamed the nearly hysterical carrot top, startling Gabrielle. "Good lord the hormones are getting to me!"
Tapert ignored his brief, shining moment of compassion as his mind, followed shortly thereafter by his mouth, went howling like a rabid, TV executive dog in the opposite direction.
"If you're trying to get me to feel bad about the whole Hope/Solan/Eve thing, it's not going to work," said the redhead to Gabrielle. "The fans of the show have already tried for YEARS with no luck and you're not even real, so give it up. Besides, everything I did with Hope, Solan and Eve was purrrrfect."
"Tapert, you didn't have anything to do with our children," said Gabrielle warily.
Men were far worse at being pregnant than women, thought the bard. She had to chuckle...a pregnant man. Well, stranger things had happened to her and Xena.
"Don't laugh at me and of course I had something to do with it," crabbed Tapert, the hormones from his pregnancy taking full hold. "I created Xena...YOU...everyone on the Xena Warrior Princess show. And it was my brilliant genius of an idea to have Hope born evil."
"She wasn't born evil," said Gabrielle evenly. Tapert stopped for a second, hearing the edge of danger in the bard's voice. But he didn't care. He was Hormonal Man now.
"You know what, Gabrielle? You're just a fictional character and I don't give a damn about your feelings! I never have, really." The red-haired executive awkwardly got up from the boulder and spun around, his pregnant stomach picking up torque and sending him stumbling forward.
"All that matters is me! I'm the power that be, baby. And the FANS have something to do with all of this? Well, fuck the fans, and believe you me, I do every chance I get. I'm tired of people who refuse to bow at my altar of a different Xena and Gabrielle characterization every week! If I wanna rape, pillage, murder and commit infanticide on the show I'm gonna do it and damn the relationship, continuity, consequences, ratings or any kind of bizarro world punishment!" roared Tapert, defiantly shaking his fist in the air. His stomach proudly protruding, red, thinning hair blowing in the sudden, unexplained wind. "And another thing! I'm tired of you and Xena and this island! The way you two hang all over each other, you'd think you were in love or something! Well, you're not. You're just friends. I should know because I created you! But no one will listen to me about it because NO ONE respects my authora-tay around this place. Oh, and as an added bonus I mean really, who plotted this thing?! I'm frickin' PREGNANT!"
Tapert came to a screeching, mid-rant halt. He cocked his head and grinned at Gabrielle.
"On the plus side of things. I'm the one carrying Xena's child. So, obviously, she really does love me," Tapert looked at Gabrielle. "I mean, really, if she loves you so much, how come you're not carrying her baby?"
Gabrielle closed her eyes and counted to ten. She opened them to see an angry Tapert looking at her.
"You wanna piece of me, not-real grrrl? Don't like what I'm saying, girlie-grrrl? Well, I've got another little thought you can stick on those sais of yours. I had hot, hot, HOT sex with Xena last night. Yeah, that's right, Blondie. With Xena!"
Gabrielle unsheathed her sais as Tapert put his fists up into boxing position.
"Baby or not, you're goin' down, Tapert," growled the warrior. She suddenly stopped, as a look of horror crossed her face.
"What was I thinking?" she gasped.
"Ha! You're being the Gabrielle I created!" screeched Tapert triumphantly. "I'm the power that be again! Go, Tapert, go Tapert," the pregnant man began making a circular motion with his arms and dancing.
Gabrielle's eyes widened in shock at the executive's dance. She shook her head, bent over and sheathed her sais. The Amazon didn't need to count to one or ten. She realized how closely she had come, once again, to actions and feelings completely out of her character and nature. Gabrielle didn't know if it was a test from the Island Goddesses or if Tapert really had tapped into some sort of power for a moment and it didn't matter.
"All that matters is Xena and I love each other," said the bard. "We're soulmates."
The executive stopped dead in his dancing tracks. He looked at Gabrielle, unsure of her mood. He raised his hands into boxing position again.
"You know, people have taken that soulmate business way too far. I wish I'd never let you say it in the first place," said Tapert, bobbing and weaving as he prepared for battle.
Gabrielle looked the hormonal she-man in the eyes.
"Look, Tapert. I'm sorry you've had to go through all this. But that baby's not Xena's. She loves me and she would never betray me that way."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever," said Tapert, lowering his fists. "You just keep telling yourself that in your little fantasy world. But here in the real Tapert world, Xena loves me and I'm pregnant with her baby. And why the hell am I sounding like a soap opera?!"
"I thought this was all a dream," smiled Gabrielle.
A myriad of emotions crossed Tapert's face...primarily confusion.
"Stop trying to befuddle me with logic," the executive sputtered. "Logic is the enemy of drama."
Gabrielle sighed and began walking toward Tapert.
"Oh, no, you just get away from me. Women!" he spat. "You're all alike. Rrroll, rrroll, rrroll in ze hay! Oh, yeah, you get to have your fun but then you just sneak away in the middle of the night and who gets stuck with the consequences?!"
Gabrielle shook her head in amazement at the red-haired executive's bottomless well of hormone-induced, melodramatic emotion. But she felt sorry for him. She knew all too well how awful it was to go through a supernatural pregnancy. The bard was determined to make this easier for him than it had been on her and Xena. And it wasn't his fault well, probably not that he was delusional about the Warrior Princess.
"It's OK, Tapert. You need to try and calm down." The bard maneuvered behind the distraught parent-to-be, gently urging him to sit down as she began to give his neck a massage, working her hands up the back of his neck and to his temples.
"You've got to rest. The baby's coming soon" soothed Gabrielle.
His hormonal outburst finished, exhaustion began to take over the executive.
"Am I being punished?"
he whined. "I'm being punished for being the most brilliant,
most creative television producer ever, aren't I? That's the one
thing I never doubted. OK, well maybe for a second back in the
cave with Joel, but I've never doubted my role as the power that
be..." Tapert's ramblings drifted away as he gave into the
bard's compassionate ministrations.
