Tapert snorted awake and opened his eyes.
"Damn sleep apnea," he muttered as he rubbed his face and looked around at a sky of colors so odd and intense that it seemed unreal.
"Dorothy, we're not on the island anymore," he sighed, looking around. There were trees and bushes the color of green as he had never seen.
"Grrrrreat. A dream within a dream - that's not confusing," said Tapert sarcastically. He wondered if this, too, was the work of the Island Goddesses, as Gabrielle had said.
"Island Goddesses" he muttered derisively. "Bah. Humbug."
The executive looked ahead to see a small, swiftly moving stream. Beside it sat Soozin battling the hair on her legs with shaving cream and an industrial-strength razor.
"Ugh," complained Tapert. "Who cast this damn dream anyway? Where are all the nubile, young, pretty women?"
Soozin turned and spied the red-haired parent-to-be watching her.
"Taahpert be warned, Taahpert beware," rhymed the backwoods truck driver as she flitted, well, actually, stumbled over, shoving him onto a rock.
"By gutting the relationship you make trite viewing fare," she continued, straddling the horrified television executive.
"Oh, god, I was wrong. It's not a dream - it's a nightmare!" he groaned.
The truck driver covered his eyes. "Tahhpert be calm, open your eyes... Here there is truth... about Season Five."
Tapert struggled to get away from the tenacious woman.
"Get off me, you non-nubile, backwater wench," he yelled.
"OK," shrugged Soozin. She hopped off the executive and extended her hand.
"Here. Let me help you up," she said. The executive grabbed Soozin's hand and found out just how strong the rustic maiden really was when she flung him headfirst into the stream.
"I non-nubiled your ahhhsss, Tahhhhpert," Soozin said and loped off into the trees.
Tapert struggled and sputtered, barely getting his head above water as he flailed about, trying to get out of the now dangerously fast-moving stream. He heard two calm voices from the banks of the water.
"Absorb thyself in this great sea of the waters of The Relationship. Dive deep in it...until thou hast found it. And having found the relationship, then thou shalt find a fountain of creativity as well as find thyself off this island. Even as it is written, He had his dwelling in L.A., and was a television mogul therein."
"Who the hell are you and help me!" he screamed from the stream, unable to locate the source of the voices.
"Island Goddesses, are we. From our easily fathomable will, the return of The Relationship has its beginning. In our boundless wisdom are all types and patterns of Xena and Gabrielle's love. In other words - it's the relationship, stupid."
The executive was swept under the fast-moving stream. He continued to struggle and was close to losing consciousness when he felt two hands hooked underneath his arms, pulling him from the stream onto dry land.
Tapert scrabbled up off the ground to thank whoever saved him. He looked around to find he was alone and dry. Looking down, Tapert also realized he was quite naked. The executive gasped and jumped behind some bushes.
The redhead managed to get over his sudden nakedness and take a good look at his surroundings. The stream he had just escaped sped along and disappeared into a wall of such thick mist that he could see nothing of the stream beyond it. But all around himwas a meadow of a brilliant green with gently rolling hills, trees full of fruit and near the ground, hundreds of bright flowers. It was more beautiful than anything he had ever seen.
"I thought it was just a legend," he whispered in awe. "Could it be? Am I in the Teleysian Fields? Only heroic and creatively cutting-edge television producers get to come here."
The executive frowned. "Dead television producers." He looked down. "Dead, naked, pregnant television producers."
"Wherever I am, I need some clothes," the executive grumbled. Tapert turned and bumped into Soozin. The father-to-be yelped. The Michigan truck-driver pointed and laughed.
"Soozin?! What?! How?" squeaked Tapert doing his best impersonation of a pregnant Demi Moore on the cover of GQ as he tried to cover his manly he-breasts and kibbles and bits from Soozin's view.
"Can't you see I'm naked?!" the executive screeched.
"Being naked won't excuse ya," said Sooozin as she whipped out some khakis, a fishing hat and a baggy t-shirt from behind her back and thrust the load of clothes at Tapert. "C'mon, get dressed, you're in Fifth-usia."
"Hells bells," said Tapert. "So much for the Telysian Fields theory." He glared at Soozin who was still staring and chortling.
"Turn around!" he snapped as he began wiggling into the clothes. The t-shirt had the words Demon Baby On-Board blazened across the front of it with a large red arrow pointing downward.
Tapert frowned, dug deep into the back pocket of his khakis and whipped out a Sharpie. He grinned and began scribbling furiously on the t-shirt. It now read Xena Love Child On-Board. Tapert turned his attention back to Soozin.
"So what, where, is Fifth-usia?"
And much to Tapert's horror, Soozin began to sing.
Fifth-usia (sung to the "Illusia" song from The Bitter Suite)
Fifth-usia, a season
That's gone all to rot
You've had stinky eps
But not like this lot
You've tasted how
bad plots
And good coexist
The bitter and sweet of it
All in their love that you dissed.
Xena and Gabby
The Sturm und the Drang
Bring back their
love,
That's the choice you've got to make!
Can you undo what you destroyed?
Glide through that stream,
Follow your fate
Oh your balls are
in a vise.
Their love you must realize.
If you're to get
off this silly island.
Paddle the worth
of you on the rebirth of it
Xena and Gabby, don't let them fade
Fifth season sucks,
Totally sucks.
Your villanous fifth
season
Tortures our souls
Descent into hack-dom
Must levy its toll
The murder of their
love
Has brought you to this.
Surrender stupidity,
suffer sweet continuity
Xe needs her love and soulmate.
Oh, Tapert, your
fifth season iced their true love
Come see how that 'vision' denies the show's heart
Fifth-usia is waiting, we'll show you The Way
But choose no relationship and kill their love
Then a steep price you will pay!
Oh...your balls
are in a vise
Their love you must reali.....
"That's enough about my balls!" howled Tapert at the singing Survivor.
"You like little
ditties, truck-drivin' momma?" Tapert said angrily. "OK,
here's one:
Fifth season rules.
Xena and Gabrielle's love drools.
I'm the power that be
and Xena gave me a baby."
At the mention of the warrior's name, a beautiful picture of Xena shimmered into view in the air above and behind Soozin's shoulder.
"Xena," Tapert whispered to Soozin. "Is she here?"
The truck driver stared at the executive in confusion.
"The one who knocked me up, is she in this land?" he asked as he stared into the warrior's ice blue eyes.
Soozin shook her head in exasperation.
"I'm merely the
guide, Tahhhhpert,
Along for free booze.
You'll get no maternity test here
If you want to know more...then choose."
Soozin then bowed with a flourish, extending her arm toward the stream. And the wall of mist that had blocked Tapert's view dissipated. He could now see that the stream rolled on in the distance, splitting into two tributaries.
One stream gurgled quietly along. There was even a motorboat tied to a small but sturdy-looking bridge. Further on, the quiet stream floated peacefully into a well-lit tunnel. Above the tunnel a large, lavender neon sign read The Relationship. Hundreds of neon, flashing arrows pointed at the tunnel. Another sign read This way gets you off the island and back to L.A. A third sign stated Yeah, that means YOU, Tapert. In front of the tunnel stood a bevy of nubile, beautiful, ready for their Stuff centerfold, young women. They beckoned Tapert, calling his name and promising him long nights of delirious pleasure.
He looked to the other tributary where a small kayak was tied to a rickety bridge filled with large, gaping holes. Instead of gurgling, this tributary raged over jagged rocks, creating whitecaps and large, monstrous waves. It streamed into another tunnel where he could see the beginnings of a giant whirlpool. This tunnel also had a sign. It read, Season Five: The Year of the Gutted Relationship and Complete and Total Lack of Creativity. There were three smaller signs near it that stated, This way lies certain death! Beware! and Die, Pussycat, Die!
"Hmmm. Easy choice," said the executive as he turned his back on the bevy of beauties and headed for the kayak and white caps.
"That's it. I'm out of here. This Tahhhhpert guy's stooopider thahn Seaaahhn," said Soozin, looking up to the sky.
Tapert cast his eyes upward. "Who are you talking to?" he queried.
"The Island Goddesses," replied Soozin as three rats bolted out of the truck driver's wild tresses.
"We're staying. This could be fun," giggled one of the rats. Tapert's eyes widened in shock as the talking critters scurried off into a nearby bush.
"Did anyone see that?" whispered Tapert.
Soozin frowned at him and then looked back to the sky. "You'll need to send someone else with him. I ain't goin' in thaahhhr. See ya, Tahhpert."
And with that, she strode off.
"You can't just leave me!" called Tapert to the retreating truck driver.
Soozin kept walking, ignoring his plea. The executive became desperate. He did not want to be alone in this strange land.
"C'mon, Sooz. Stay with me. There could be bad guys here So you gotta stay cause you know bad guys always kill the ugliest person first!" begged Tapert.
Soozin broke stride long enough to throw a glare over her shoulder followed by her Bowie knife. Tapert dodged as the knife thwacked into a tree beside him. He stared at it and gulped. The executive then turned to give Soozin a piece of his mind. But she was gone. Vanished.
Tapert tugged on the knife but it was stuck hard. "Wow, those truck drivers sure are strong," he said, grunting with exertion.
Meanwhile, back on the Survivor Island, Xena and Colleen arrived at the ravine where Colleen had last witnessed the Island Goddesses power.
"Here's where I met them last sort of," said Colleen. "They made snow fall just for me it was just like a scene out of Edward Scissorhands," she sighed dreamily, thinking of the gorgeous Island Goddesses.
Xena raised a questioning eyebrow.
"You know, that sweetly sad guy in leather with big, sharp scissors for hands," said Colleen.
"People with scissors as hands are generally dangerous," Xena said. She looked around. "They're not here," she said.
"Wow, did your spidey senses tell you that?" asked the cute as a button co-ed.
"Spidey what?" asked Xena as a small, single snowflake fell on her nose and promptly melted. The warrior's eyes widened and her warrior senses did, indeed, begin to tingle. She looked up to see more snow falling from the warm, tropical sky. Colleen clapped her hands together and smiled.
"They're here now," she exclaimed happily.
"Snow falling on a tropical island," mused Xena. "You don't see that every day."
As the snow landed on the co-ed's face, her eyelids began to droop. "Like. Wow. I feel funny. I think something's happening," she murmured.
The snow fell faster and Xena, too, began to feel sleepy. She shook her head back and forth. Her legs became weak and rubbery.
"It's the snow," Xena said. She looked over to see the Survivor swaying on her feet, perilously close to collapsing. The warrior stumbed over to Colleen as the co-ed's legs buckled. Xena caught her and kneeled, gently lowering the now snoring brunette to the ground.
The warrior tried to get back up with no success. The ground just felt too nice, too comfortable too relaxing. The mighty warrior's eyelids began to close.
Gabrielle was sitting near the sleeping Tapert and she was worried. The executive kept twitching and muttering as if he were having a very bad dream. She wondered if she should wake him up.
"Maybe it's better to let sleeping dogs er television executives lie," said Gabrielle.
She rose to check on Tapert one more time when she suddenly felt a wave of intense sleepiness take over her entire body. She wobbled on her feet.
"Wow. That was strange," the blonde warrior said to herself as she yawned and rubbed her face. "I usually only feel that sleepy right after Xena and I have had a long night of hot, naked."
The Amazon Queen hit the ground but softly, as though unseen hands were ensuring her safety a beautiful, lusty smile on her equally beautiful, sleeping face.
In Burnett's mountain facility, the emergency alarm began to blare once again.
"Reality is Being Compromised," said a computer voice. "Reality is Being Compromised."
Burnett rushed from his luxury suite and down the stairs into the control room.
"What's going on?" he asked, walking to the large screen in the center of the Survivor control room.
A technician hustled in front of Burnett, stopped and saluted.
"Sir, we have a situation with Colleen, Soozin and the guests," he said curtly. "In the past 10 minutes, five people in completely different parts of the island have fallen into an unexplained, deep sleep. Our cameramen have tried to wake them with no success."
The control room screen cut to various shots of Colleen, Xena, Gabrielle, Tapert and Soozin as they slumbered.
The screen stopped on a shot of Tapert snoring.
"Rob Tapert, he's our man" mumbled the executive between snorts, a small smile on his lips. His smile turned into a scowl as he muttered angrily. "Island Goddesses my large, white, executive producer's ass. You ain't the bossa me!"
The hairs on the back of Burnett's neck saluted in suspicion and alarm.
The cuddly co-ed's adorable face then appeared on-camera. She smiled sweetly in her sleep.
"The Island Goddesses are soooo beautiful," she sighed dreamily.
The image on the screen cut back to a shot of Soozin who suddenly snorted awake and sat up, grumbling to herself.
"It's about time," crabbed Kelly. "You slept through the entire immunity challenge. Rudy won. Can you believe that? Not that you would have had a chance even if you'd been there."
"Where's my Bowie knife?" asked the truck driver, squinting up at her Survivor cohort. "Oh, yeah. I left it back thahr with the Island Goddesses and that stooopid Tahhhpert."
"The who?" queried Kelly.
"What?" back-queried Soozin.
"You said something about Island Goddesses," prodded Kelly.
"Eh, I was just talkin' in my sleep," said Soozin. "And what do you mean I 'wouldn't have had a chance?'"
Burnett's eyes narrowed watching the truck driver and Kelly bicker as they and the rest of the Survivors began their long trek back to camp. He headed over to a series of control centers and leaned into one of the control center mikes.
"Bring me Soozin," he said firmly.
