A pony-tailed Survivor Techno Geek who was stationed at one of the nearby monitors gasped. She stood up from her monitor and came over to confront the producer.
"First Rich and now Soozin? You can't do this, sir. We're here to record only what's happeningnot to interfere and try to influence. This is supposed to be a reality television series!"
"What show have you been working for, mate?" laughed Burnett. "We're here to create cheap entertainment and make big money. Besides, reality is in the eyes of the producerereditorum, I mean, beholder."
The Survivor producer headed back to his control chair, which bore a striking resemblance to an ornate king's throne. He began wrapping his reality show brain around the situation and recent events:
With the tracking implant firmly lodged in Rich's neck, the Survivor technical crew had managed to find him and the beautiful vamps at the yacht. Despite the gorgeous distraction of Xena and Gabrielle's bath-tub play-time, Burnett and the crew were startled by Rich and the vamps' sudden disappearance yet again. And the implant, strangely, ceased to work. Rich's current whereabouts were unknown. And now his guests were talking about 'Island Goddesses' in their sleep. Burnett's producer brain took the facts, put them together and came to a natural conclusion.
"It HAS to be Tapert," Burnett growled. "Who else but an executive producer, even one as incompetent as Tapert, could wield this kind of power?"
Just then three burly guards tumbled into the room dragging a loudly uncooperative Soozin.
"Lemme go! Lemme go!" bellowed the truck driver. "I'll kick all of yas arses!"
"Yeah, right. You can't win an immunity or reward challenge but you'll kick OUR ass," snorted a guard as Soozin flailed about helplessly.
"That's enough," ordered Burnett testily. "Treat our guest with some respect."
The guards nodded and stepped away from the truck driver, releasing her from their grip.
A rat peered out from Soozin's tresses to glare at the guards while the Survivor eyed Burnett distrustfully. The producer approached her, smiling.
"Soozin, you know that you're a special part of the Survivor family," began Burnett.
"Yeah, I'm interesting, controversial and combative," the truck driver retorted, hands on hips, chin lifted proudly. "I make good television."
"True, true. And you're necessary to help make the show a success," said Burnett who walked up to another Survivor Techno Geek and whispered in her ear. The woman shot up from her chair and ran out of the control room.
"Things have gotten a little strange the past few days with the arrival of Xena, Gabrielle and Tapert. We've got Rich disappearing with two women who are not part of the show, snow falling in the control room," continued the Aussie.
"You mean you've lost control of your show, Mr. 'Producer,'" the truck driver ridiculed.
"I have not lost control, mate," replied Burnett with a smile. "Just a small glitch in the process. It's only a matter of time before I come out on top."
"Yeah, you would be on top," guffawed Soozin, wishing Kelly were here to share in the rude and crude joke.
"Wow," said the pony-tailed Techno Geek. "I would've figured Soozin as butch in the streets but femme in the sheets."
The burly guards snickered at the comment. Soozin glared but maintained a Rosie O'Donnell pre-2002 non-committal silence.
Burnett threw the snickerers a look and the guards immediately shut up. The Survivor producer returned his attention to the truck driver.
"Now, Soozin. Xena and Gabrielle being on the island could affect your chance at winning the contest"
"Well, yah, I know. That's why I" Soozin stopped herself mid-sentence. Burnett smiled. He was getting close.
"Xena and Gabrielle could also cost you millions of dollars in sponsorships and guest appearances," said Burnett, trying a different tact. "I mean, who is a sponsor going to wantyou? Or Xena and Gabrielle?"
"They might pick me, you never know," grumbled the truck driver.
"Well, maybe they would," said an affable Burnett. As he turned his back, he rolled his eyes at the other Survivor Techno Geeks in the room who began to chuckle. "But Tapert's continuing interference could ruin everything for you."
"Tahhhpert?!" exclaimed Soozin. "What's he got to do with anything? He's just a stoooopid, no-talent producer like you. It's the Island Goddesses who" the truck driver gasped and shut her mouth abruptly.
Burnett's eyes narrowed, the tip of his tongue slipping out of and back into his mouth with reptile-like quickness.
"Ssssso," whispered Burnett, snake-like charm oozing out of his producer pores. "Tell me more about these Island Goddesses."
"No. I got a pact with 'em. We gals gotta stick together," said a defiant Soozin.
"Cat's out of the bag, now, Soozin," Burnett smiled. "You may as well tell me the whole story."
"I ain't tellin' you nothin'!" the truck driver yelled.
The Survivor Techno Geek re-entered the room, handing Burnett a large amulet on a chain. In her other hand was a syringe full of a lavender material that oozed and bubbled with a life all its own.
"Hold her," Burnett said to the guards. The three burly men grasped Soozin's arms, keeping her from moving. The Survivor Techno Geek strode over to Soozin and gave her a quick, mostly painless, shot in the arm.
"Hey!" crabbed the truck driver.
"Sir, I must protest," said the pony-tailed geek.
Burnett smiled. "Go ahead. Make some signs, march around the facility, chant some sloganslose your job."
The pony-tailed geek gulped and sat down.
"I thought so," said Burnett. He returned his attention to the truck driver, walking slowly up to her as the amulet swung gently, hypnotically, back and forth.
"You will tell me everything," grinned Burnett. "Because I know how to get to you." He stopped the amulet from swinging so that Soozin could get a good look. It held a picture of Kelly composed of thousands of dots.
"Just stare at the picture until your eyes lose focusand then you'll see a special surprise picture in 3-D," whispered Burnett.
"Don't look!" squealed the rat from the truck driver's hair.
"What was in that shot you gave me?" asked Soozin loopily as the drug began to take effect. She was barely managing to look away from the amulet.
"We have all the Survivors' pheremones on hand. Just in case we needed to add a little sexual tension to the show," said Burnett. "This syringe is full of pheremones we distilled from Kelly," Burnett moved around to place the amulet in Soozin's line of view once again.
"Phere-what?" said an increasingly disoriented truck driver.
The rat rolled his eyes. "Kelly moooojoooo," it whispered in her ear.
"That's dirty pool, Burnett," snarled Soozin.
"A producer's gotta do what a producer's gotta do, little gal," he replied slyly.
The truck driver struggled for a moment as she resisted Burnett's last temptation. But then the secret picture came into focus.
"Ohhhhhh. My," whispered the truck driver as her normally unhappy, dour face crumpled into a goofy, stars-in-her-eyes, smiling visage. "Keeelllllyyyy."
Burnett waved his hands in front of the Survivor's eyes. She didn't blink or move. The producer smiled. He had the belligerent Survivor exactly where he wanted her.
"Now. Who are these Island Goddesses," said Burnett soothingly.
"Powers...that...be," replied Soozin dreamily, staring at the secret photo of Kelly.
"No. I'm the power that be," said Burnett testily.
The truck driver gave a serene snort. "You think you are. Tahhhpert thinks he is. But the Island Goddesses have the real power. They brought Xena and Gabrielle here to the island. They brought Tapert here. They captured Probst before the reward challenge."
"What?!" exclaimed Burnett. "They captured my lap boy?"
"Yes. They needed to manipulate the outcome of the contest. They told me so, well, they bragged about it actually."
"No! They can't have that much power," said Burnett, reeling from the fact that the vamps had managed to make such a galling move within his territory.
"But they do. The Island Goddesses even created Fifth-usia. They have much, much more power than you. And they're soooo beeeeyoootiful. But not as beautiful as Keeeellllly."
"What's Fifth-usia?" asked the Survivor producer, focusing on the task at hand. He decided to worry about Probst later.
"Fifth-usia is a song and dance world they created just for Tahhhpert, Xena and Gabrielleand me. The goddesses sent us there in our sleep. They're making people learn lessons...and fixing something. When they're done, everyone: Gabrielle, Xener and Tahhhpert will all leave and I can get back to trying to win the Survivor contest. That was the pact."
"Ahhh," said Burnett as he remembered his conversation with Gabrielle. Things were falling in place.
"Have Xena and Gabrielle learned their lesson yet?"
"Yah. They learned their lesson right away. But Tahhhpert's the hold-up now."
"Tapert?"
"Tahhhpert has to learn a lesson as welland be tortured. I was supposed to help but he's just so stoopid that I left. Besides that place was really creeping me out. I had to sing and dance and," sigh- "Kelly wasn't around."
Burnett didn't know which was worse: Soozin singing and dancing or the thought of Kelly and Soozin together. The producer shuddered.
"What lesson is TahhhperterTapert supposed to learn?" queried Burnett.
"Tahhhhpert must realize that Xena and Gabrielle are in love. He has to fix the problems he created in the fifth season of Xena: Warrior Princess," responded Soozin serenely.
"Good LORD!" exclaimed Burnett. "He'll never figure that out." The producer panicked. "Survivor is ruined!!!"
The Survivor Techno Geeks looked at each other worriedly. They had never seen their boss lose control like this.
"There has to be a way out of this" Burnett's mind ran around like a rat in a complicated maze.
"Oh, for heaven's sakes," squealed the rat from Soozin's hair. "Get rid of Xena and Gabrielle and the Island Goddesses will go."
"Yessssss. But how to do that?" said Burnett rhetorically.
"I don't know. You're supposed to be the 'power that be,'" the rat exclaimed.
A happy grin slowly spread across the producer's face. He called over a Survivor technician and whispered in her ear. The woman nodded and ran out of the control room.
"We need to get Xena and Gabrielle out of the way," said Burnett. "We're going to take on the Island Goddesses to save Survivor."
"That's brilliant, boss!" exclaimed one of the geeks.
The rat sighed. "I never get the credit I deserve."
But one of the Techno Geeks blanched at Burnett's words. He remembered full well the snow in the control room and the fear at the sound of the strange laughter.
"Sir, how can we possibly defeat the Island Goddesses?" the geek whimpered. "They seem to have immense power. We all saw what they did with Rich and the snow. Their technology must be amazing!" he finished in awe.
"It's not technology. It's love," noted the pony-tailed Techno Geek, who had dabbled in a bit of Janice and Mel fanfic in the past. "Their love of the show Xena: Warrior Princess has given them access to immense power. Love conquers all."
"Don't be silly, mate," said Burnett. "Money and power conquers alland I've got tons of both."
The Survivor technician ran back into the control room waving a map above her head.
"I've found them, sir. I've found the Island Goddesses," she said triumphantly. She laid the map out on a large table. "I don't know why we didn't see this before! Here. In the Forbidden Caves. There's a huge energy level showing on our sensors. It's like nothing I've ever seen. It has to be them."
"Eeeeexxxccceelllleeent," whispered Burnett, losing his cheery demeanor for a moment. "And you did that so quickly!"
"It gets better, sir," the technician indicated different areas on the map. "There are fluctuations in their power grid hereand here."
"What does that mean?" queried Burnett.
"It means their power source is taxing out and weakening."
"So we can wait them out and they'll just self-destruct?" said the producer hopefully.
"Yes, sir. Although their power won't collapse for weeks, maybe even months."
Burnett punched his fist into his hand. "We don't HAVE weeks or months. They'll ruin the show!"
"But, boss, we can use this information to identify the neutron and positron make-up of their energy. We may be able to use that to our advantage."
"Yesssss," said Burnett gleefully embracing his 'get out of Island Goddess jail free' card.
He turned to address his brigade of Techno Geeks. "The Island Goddess' power is weakening. And what better way to help them self-destruct than to arrange a meeting between the 'goddesses' and Xena and Gabrielle?"
Burnett turned to look at the screen and smiled, "Those manipulative she-gods may have started all this. But I'm going to finish it. We'll see who is the 'higher power.'"
"Yeah, what's stronger: love or backstabbing, self-centered, money-grubbing producer greed," grumbled the pony-tailed techno geek.
"Thanks, mate," said Burnett. "I'm glad you've come 'round to the Survivor Way."
"Keeeelllllyyyy," interrupted Soozin.
"Is she still here?" asked Burnett. He motioned to the guards. "Give her a shot to make her forget this interaction and get her back to the Survivors. The guards nodded and dragged the slumbering truck driver from the room.
"You!" Burnett pointed at a technician. "Call up Survivor Techno Brigade 1 and have them meet me at the Techno Command Center."
Burnett strode toward a small, non-descript door. The Survivor producer stopped to take one look back to the control room screen that was now displaying a shot of the sleeping Gabrielle. He sighed heavily. He was loathe to give up having such an incredibly gorgeous creature on his show.
"But it's for the greater good, love," smiled Burnett, rubbing his hands together expectantly. "The greater-reality show-line-my-pockets-with-millions-of-dollars-good."
The producer disappeared
through the door. A sign on the door read Special Survivor
Techno Gadget Services.
