Back in Fifth-usia, Tapert was still struggling to pull the knife out of the tree when Colleen materialized out of thin air behind the executive.
"Whooooaaaah, bad trip or good trip?!" exclaimed the co-ed. Tapert yelped and spun around.
"Oh, it's you," he said with a look of obvious relief on his face. Then he frowned.
"What, they couldn't have sent Gretchen? She's uglier than me. I'd be safe with her around. Or better yet, why couldn't they send some good-looking straight men? I bet they could get me off this island and out of this nightmare," the executive crabbed.
Colleen decided to ignore the executive's hormonal-driven outburst.
"Mr. T, where are we?" asked the adorable brunette, looking around her.
Tapert sighed and whispered. "Fifth-usia."
"Fifth..." began the co-ed loudly when Tapert clamped his hand over Colleen's mouth.
"Shhh. Don't say it too loud," the executive said furtively. "You might get them singing again," Tapert shuddered.
Colleen giggled. "Fifth-usia," she whispered. "Is that some clever pun on Illusia from third season's The Bitter Suite episode?"
"I wouldn't call it clever," muttered Tapert as he once more tried to remove the knife from the tree with no success.
Colleen reached over and grabbed the handle of the knife and pulled it free.
"Like buttah," said the adorable Survivor.
"What is this...pick on Tapert week or something?" whined the pregnant executive.
"Well....um....it's more like you need to learn a lesson." said Colleen.
"What lesson? I haven't learned anything yet on this stupid island or in this stupid dream," Tapert bitched.
"You do seem kind of slow on the uptake," murmured Colleen. "Maybe out and out fan-delivered cathartic revenge is the only answer."
"Fans? Are there fans here as well?" whispered a frightened Tapert.
Colleen winked and Tapert and smiled. "The fans are everywhere, T-Man."
The co-ed was distracted as she noticed a piece of paper on the end of the knife. Colleen pulled the paper off and unrolled it. An amorphous cloud of purple slowly wafted up from the paper and floated over to a nearby clearing. The purple mass grew larger, nearly the size of a small house, and began to whirl and spin for awhile before dissipating, leaving behind a completely equipped sound stage. There were guitars, basses, keyboards, mikes, monitors, Marshall stacks, stage lights and even fog machines.
Colleen looked at the stage, her eyes wide with wonder.
"What are youse guys up to now?" she whispered.
"Is there anything else on the paper?" interrupted Tapert who didn't seem at all perplexed by the sudden appearance of a fully equipped sound stage.
Colleen looked down to see words on the paper. She read aloud:
Fifth Season saw
our grrrls torn asunder
Each episode filled with more and more blunders
No love and no joy
Just week after week of boy toys
But where is the creativity and entertainment, the truth, oh executive
Tapert?
Do you have the guts to find out...you red-headed squirt?
With the real Xena do you have any true clout?
We dare you to join this musical bout
Fifth-usia's Battle of the Bands!
Who does she love and care for the least?
Boys...girls....with your twisted sense of 'drama,' maybe even
beasts?
We'll pick our hero, and you pick yours
But the warrior princess, she decides
Upon her judgement, this fan fic and your freedom rides.
"This is my chance!" Tapert said excitedly to Colleen. "I just need to prove my fifth-season creative superiority in song and possibly interpretive dance. Did you see Lyre, Lyre Hearts on Fire...."
"You mean the episode where Gabrielle, after four years of showing absolutely no romantic interest in Joxer unless under a spell, was suddenly jealous of Joxer's Amazon biker chick? The episode where a pregnant Xena rapped...and badly...that 'classic' episode?" asked Colleen.
"Lyre, Lyre was a stroke of creative genius my creative genius. I'm a shoe-in to win this," replied the executive testily.
Tapert raised his fist into the air. "I accept your challenge of the Fifth-usia Battle of the Bands!"
And suddenly, a wide-awake and unhappy Xena appeared. The warrior looked around.
"Good grief, I hope she didn't hear me dissin' her rap abilities," said a startled Colleen.
"OK, now I'm MAD!" Xena yelled. "You Island Goddesses better get your fan fic asses out here and now," the talk, dark and deadly brunette roared into the skies.
Xena whirled around looking for signs of the goddesses. Her hand moved to her back, unsheathing her sword.
"Take it easy there, Warrior Princess," said Colleen. Xena spun around, her eyes widening as she saw the co-ed and Tapert.
Colleen held her hands up in surrender. "Check the phallic symbol, OK?"
Xena glared at the girl, but put her sword away. Tapert stepped forward, a look of adoration and hope on his face.
"Hi, Xena," he said shyly. "How are you?"
Xena's back stiffened. She felt a sudden urge to squash the executive like a bug. She didn't have time for this man and his delusions right now...which were prominently displayed on the shirt he was wearing that still read Xena's Love Child On Board. But last time she had seen Tapert, he had been with Gabrielle and Xena didn't see the bard anywhere near.
"Where's Gabrielle?" the dark brunette asked worriedly, her frustration with the Island Goddesses moved to the back warrior burner.
Tapert rolled his eyes and threw his hands up in the air. "Gabrielle, Gabrielle, Gabrielle!" he complained.
"Now you're getting it, Mr. T!" smiled Colleen. "Maybe we can avoid this Battle of the Bands with the right attitude."
"Where. Is. Gabrielle," the warrior asked the executive pointedly, blue eyes narrowing dangerously, a long, strong, itchy finger now on her chakram latch.
The executive gulped. "I..she...I don't know. She was watching me, being all goody-two-shoes. I fell asleep and woke up here. I haven't seen her since I got to this place," the executive finished in a worried rush, eyeing Xena warily.
The warrior mulled over kicking Tapert around just for the fun of it. But he was pregnant. Xena sighed. Her Gab Radar told her that her bard was safe and that, indeed, none of them were in imminent danger...at least not from physical harm. Although Xena was beginning to believe that the Island Goddesses were trying to frustrate her to death.
Tall, dark and deadly strode over to the brunette Survivor, who always seemed ready with the answers.
"Colleen, what's going on?"
"We're in Fifth-usia," the co-ed said cheerfully. Xena frowned, trying to understand the strange word.
"It's like Illusia," clarified Colleen.
"I don't hear any music," said Xena testily.
"Oh, I've heard it. I've already suffered through one song and a badly-rhymed challenge already," said Tapert, absently rubbing his stomach. "Man, this kid is kicking like a soccer player."
"There's gonna be a Battle of the Bands...and you're the judge," added Colleen.
"Why am I the judge?!" said an exasperated warrior.
"Cause the 'Island Goddesses,'" Tapert drew quotes in the air and rolled his eyes, "won't listen to me. This gives me a chance to prove to them and you, Xena, that you and Gabrielle are just friends."
"Gabrielle and I are just friends?!" exclaimed Xena. "Are you nuts, Tapert?" She looked to the skies in an attempt to communicate with the Island Goddesses. "Why don't you just ask me?"
"I don't think it's you who needs the convincing," bubbled Colleen, darting her eyes at Tapert. "Besides, he fell asleep and woke up here, and so did we. This must be some sort of dream place and we're probably stuck until the Island Goddesses wake us up."
The magical piece of paper in the co-ed's hands began buzzing loudly as a flurry of small, red lights lit up the edges of the paper.
"Our table's ready," giggled the sweet brunette. Colleen noticed Xena and Tapert staring at her strangely.
"Um, sorry. New words on the paper here. It says, Mr. T., that you're supposed to think of who you want to champion your cause in the Battle of the Bands. Who is your Chosen One?"
"That's so easy," said Tapert, who squinched his eyes tightly, the tip of his tongue sticking out as he concentrated.
There was a large flash of light. Xena, Tapert and Colleen blinked furiously at the brightness. They then turned toward where the light had flashed to see three figures in the distance riding toward them on what appeared to be a giant seashell.
"Right on time," smiled Tapert.
Colleen looked to the skies "Youse guys sure like fancy entrances."
"Who now?" growled the Warrior Princess.
"It's a surprise that's going to help me win the Battle of the Bands," said the television executive proudly. "You'll see, Xena. You'll see the truth and then we can all get off this island and I can get back to producing the sixth season of Xena: Warrior Princess. And, um, by the way, you and I need to discuss this baby and child support."
"That is not my baby," Xena said angrily.
"Rob Tapert is not her lover," burst Colleen into song with complete orchestral back-up as she began dancing.
Xena was startled, not so much by the words and music as by the brunette's dance moves. It seemed as if the Survivor was gliding backwards while she danced. The ground underneath Colleen's feet lit up with small squares of bright, white light as she moved.
"He's just a guy...who says that Xena's the one..." Colleen stopped, thrust a hip out and pointed at Xena. "But that babe is not her child..." A choir of violins flurried down a scale.
"That's the worst pre-plastic-surgery-Michael-Jackson impersonation I've ever seen," sniffed Tapert.
Colleen shrugged. "Sorry. Don't know what came over me. I guess it was meant to break the tension...or act as some kind of bizarre segue..."
The trio heard a low rumbling coming from the ground. They turned to see that the flying sea-shell was approaching fast. Too fast. Xena grabbed hold of Tapert and Colleen and was about to leap out of the way when the sea-shell came to a sudden halt. There were yelps of surprise as the three figures were vaulted head over heels off the sea-shell and rolled to a painful stop in a pile of arms, legs, and luscious butts.
"Hey! No fair damaging my Chosen One," crabbed Tapert.
The pile of humans disentangled and picked themselves off the ground, brushing the dirt from their clothes. The stage lights flickered on.
Xena's eyes widened in recognition. She turned her back on the trio and attempted to shield her face. Colleen noticed the warrior's sudden discomfort.
"You're not very good at being nonchalant," laughed the Survivor. Xena scowled.
"Just what the genius television executive ordered: Borias, Antonyand Ares!" exclaimed a very happy Tapert. "Good looking, straight men. I am SO winning this contest."
"We're here for the Battle of the Bands, dude," said Antony whose pretty-boy brown eyes betrayed a Keanu Reeves-like vacuousness.
"We're here to win the Battle of the Bands," interrupted Ares who wasn't exactly sure how he got here or how he even knew about the Battle of the Bands. But it looked like it would involve some face time with Xena. He looked around and grinned. Bonus, the irritating blonde is nowhere in sight.
Tapert rushed on-stage as quickly as his swollen stomach would allow, shaking each man's hand.
"I'm so glad you're here," he exclaimed. "I've got a great idea for a song. I mean, in order to win we've gotta have the best songs that will woo Xena backnot that she really ever left because she's straight, after all.
"Vhat is wrrrrrong vit yourrr stomaaach," Borias interrupted in his Rocky and Bullwinkle fake Russian drawl.
"Moose and squirrel," giggled Colleen.
"What's it look like? I'm pregnant," replied Tapert, pointing to his wordy t-shirt.
"Dude, when's that muffin gonna pop?" asked Antony who was not the brightest bulb in the Xena Boy Toy constellation.
"Let's back up here," Ares snorted at the Roman's question. "How can you even BE pregnant. You're a guy."
Tapert sighed. "Look. Hot, naked sex. With Xena..."
"We didn't have sex!!" interrupted Xena from off-stage.
The three stud muffins noticed the frustrated, dark warrior. They all began flexing and winking at Xena in an attempt to get her attention.
Tapert actually had the audacity to ignore the Warrior Princess as he continued. "...Magical island... Island Goddesses.... yadda-yadda-yadda. pregnant."
"Goddesses?" Ares ears perked up mid bicep curl.
"Ahhh, it vas Xeeenah," said Borias. "Figures."
"I knew she had some cajones on her...but, like, wow," said Antony.
My interactions with Xena have a tendency to be strange, but something even weirder than usual is happening here, thought Ares who wondered if these Island Goddesses knew where there was some ambrosia. Being mortal sucks. Since losing my godhood, I've actually had to lift things and run in order to keep this magnificent body in shape.
Impatiently, Tapert attempted to get the he-studs back on track.
"I'm a television executive producer of a famous, culturally significant and money-making television show," he began imperiously.
"Is that important?" asked Antony, his head cocked to the side like a cute puppy.
"Of course it is. I'm powerful. Talented. Creative. I brought you all here to this place as my Chosen One to help me win the Battle of the Bands. We have to prove to the fans, the Island Goddesses...to everyone...that Xena's straight...that she likes guys and that the fifth season was the best season ever."
"Fifth season?" asked Ares.
"Um...for Antony, it covers the time that he and Xena met. For you, Ares, it's the time between Xena's pregnancy and the twilight of the Olympian godsabout 26 years," Tapert patiently explained.
Antony gazed at Tapert blankly. He couldn't even muster up enough thought to be confused by the odd timeline.
"Wellll, I can't say that was the most fun I've ever had," deadpanned Ares. "How 'bout you, Antony?"
"How do you think Xena got this guy pregnant," smiled Antony, doing his best dumb blonde impersonation.
"It was a great time, Ares! You got to kiss Xena...a lot," pointed out Tapert.
"That's true," nodded Ares.
Tapert smiled and clapped Antony and Ares on their gigantic, muscular, studly shoulders. "Now let's get to it, whaddaya say?"
The handsome trio looked at each other.
"It cahhhn't hurrt, I suppose," shrugged Borias.
"Could be fun," said Antony who was hoping for a chance to get close to Xena again.
Ares was unhappy with the situation, but he decided he would play along with this Battle of the Bands...for now. The dark stud nodded his agreement.
The men huddled with their newfound, red-haired friend.
Colleen rolled her eyes. "Tapert's planning his own doom and he doesn't even know it," she said to Xena.
"All of this is the work of the Island Goddesses and they are on my very last nerve," began Xena angrily. She paused, calmed herself and sighed. "I'll find them...in time they'll show themselves."
"It might not be so bad, maybe we'll hear some good music," said the co-ed. "Try to relax."
"'Relax' is not in my vocabulary. I'm a woman of action, Colleen," said Xena edgily.
"You could actively heckle the band," smiled the Survivor.
Xena still couldn't quite believe her eyes at seeing this particular group of men on stage.
"If Gabrielle were to see this band I'd be one lonely Warrior Princess," said Xena.
"Well, Murphy's Law and Fan Fiction Writing 101 dictate that Gabrielle will show up at the most inopportune moment," shrugged the co-ed.
"I don't know how much more 'inopportune' it can get than Borias, Anthony and Ares all on one stage," replied Xena.
I'm sure the Island Goddesses will think of something, thought Colleen, glancing about for a sign of the beautiful women.
Colleen and Xena were distracted by Tapert who was showing dance moves to the bicep-bulging testosterone trilogy. Colleen giggled as the executive managed to do a fairly good job dancing despite his state of extreme pregnancy.
"Who would've figured Tapert for having any kind of rhythm," murmured the co-ed to Xena. Despite the uncomfortable situation, the Warrior Princess managed to crack a smile at Colleen's comment.
Tapert finished his consultation with the studly threesome and stepped off-stage. He looked to the skies.
"OK...um, hit it, I guess."
A disco groove with a gospel inflection began to play from the stage speakers. The handsome trio stepped to the microphones and began to bump and grind to the music.
And the boy band from hell began to sing.
