It's Raining Men
V
(to, oddly enough,
It's Raining Men)
Hi-Hi! We're the
Xena Boys ah-huh
And have we got news for you You better listen!
Get ready, all you subtext fans
Xena left her umbrella at home Alright-
Heterosex's rising
grrrrl love and subtext's a no-show
According to fifth season
Straight sex's the way to go
Cuz Xena ain't no
dyke-con
She's just Gab's goo-ood friend
You just boot their love to the curb
It's gonna start raining men.
It's Raining Men!
Heterosex-jah! Xena's no dyke! She likes men!
Who needs true love?!
When You've Got Us! You Just Need Good Looks. And a Man!
Xena and Colleen simply stared, jaws on the floor, eyes wide in horror.
"Yeah, babies, swing it!" hooted Tapert from off-stage.
The song's hypnotic, funk-a-move beat began to take the red-haired executive over. He boogied back on-stage and began singing into the mike along-side Borias. During the bridge, Tapert pulled a Donna Summers from Last Dance, shoving Borias out of the way and grabbing the microphone. The surprised former warlord tripped and fell on his ass...promptly disintegrating in a cloud of glitter.
Antony's eyebrows shot up towards the sky.
"Dude...where'd ya go?" he asked, whirling around and around in a circle like a dog chasing his tail as he tried to locate Borias.
Ares eyes' lit up like a light bulb was shining above his head...an evil light bulb...and the former God of War smiled.
Xena breathed a sigh of relief. "They're not real," she thought.
The pregnant executive didn't seem to notice Borias' disappearing act as he waddled downstage and launched into a full-throttle, solo verse of It's Raining Men V.
(Tapert's verse)
Xena's all straight you know
I made it so fifth season
I gave her all boy toys
and rewrote Gabby yet again
I taught every writer
To recast their love
Cause I'm such a TV genius
And these guys have penises
It's Raining Men! ....
The song ended with one last, rousing chorus and a gospel-styled "amen." Tapert threw his hand in the air to give the remaining boy band members a high five. Antony gave the executive an excited slap on the hand, followed by a slap on Tapert's round, plump, executive butt.
Tapert scowled at the Roman. "Antony. I don't swing that way...and neither do you!"
"How do YOU know," flirted Antony.
"Because I created you as one of Xena's boy toys for the fifth season of Xena: Warrior Princess. We needed to prove to the audience that Lucy was still sexy as hell after her pregnancy. So we had Xena roll around naked on the floor like a harlot for your pleasure."
Antony smiled at the memory. "Yeah. That sure was nice. Could you have her do that again?"
The brief conversation between the executive and Antony had not gone unnoticed by Ares who tucked away the information for future use. This red-haired, pregnant he-creature might actually have some power. Maybe he would know where some ambrosia is, mused Ares.
The former God of War noticed Tapert looking at him and smiled. Ares held his hand in the air to give the red-haired executive a high five. As Tapert closed in for the hand slap, the dark stud moved his hand to smooth his hair, leaving the pregnant producer's mitt flailing in the air.
"Psych," laughed Ares, who decided it was time to abandon this group approach to the Battle of the Bands and go solo.
"I'm here to win you back, Xena!" roared Ares, grabbing onto the microphone. "It's you and me, babe. I've proven my love. Look at all I've done for you..."
"Like what, dude?" said Antony who was busy shaking his bon-bon to a tune in his head that no one else could hear.
"Like protecting Eve..."
"And boinking Livia," smiled Antony, craning his neck around to look at his ass. "Pretty," said Antony to his glorious butt.
Ares glared at the Roman.
"That's it," Xena growled as she stalked toward the stage. Colleen grabbed Xena's arm, fully aware she was taking her own life into her hands.
"You might want to let them have their say," cautioned the Survivor. "This whole Fifth-usia thing is obviously for Tapert's benefit anyway. Given enough time and rope these guys are gonna hang Tapert with it...metaphorically speaking. And then maybe we can all get out of here."
Colleen looked over at Tapert to see if anything was registering. The pregnant executive looked back at her, eyes glazed over with adoration for his Chosen One.
"Aren't they great?" he sighed dreamily.
Xena halted her charge on the stage. The Survivor had been helpful and kind to her and Gabrielle. She did seem to know what was going on and had been a useful ally. Xena curtly nodded her head in agreement.
"But I smell a rat," she said, narrowing her eyes at Ares.
As if on cue, three more refugee rodents from Soozin's hair tumbled out of the underbrush, dashing in front of an amazed Tapert as they headed for the stage. They scrambed up to a trio of tiny microphones conveniently placed downstage.
"Just when I thought it couldn't get any weirder," whispered Tapert.
Back on-stage, Antony decided it was time to head Ares off at the Makin' Whoppee Pass and made his own move for Xena.
"Dude, she belongs to me," he yelled at Ares. "You used the whole Eve and Twilight of the Gods thing to try and force her into giving you sex."
Ares rolled his eyes, tired of Antony's interruptions.
"Well, come on, what's really important here?" argued the studly former God of War. "All my past actions of betrayal, hate, persecution, attempted murderoh, let's face it, the evils I've visited upon Xena goes on foreveror is what's most important the fact that I'm built like a Mack truck and sexy as hell despite my jug-like ears?!"
"That you're sexy as hell, of course...and straight," piped up Tapert. "That other stuff doesn't matter. Despite all the times you tried to kill and destroy Xena and Gabrielleyou're really just a sweet, cuddly, bad boy and you just need Xena's love to prove it. And all those evil things you've done...you were just trying to get Xena's attention. You were just showing her how much you really loved her."
"Uh..." Ares began. He stopped and frowned at Tapert's reasoning as a thought for something other than himself clouded his mind for a second. He shook his head and the moment passed.
"Yeah, what he said. Besides, I gave up my godhood for her! That proves how much I love her and that I'm a good guy now," Ares played his trump card.
"Pfft," snorted Antony. "You got Gabrielle and Eve killed and then you saved them in a last-ditch effort to get down Xena's leathers and to save your own ass. Besides, how come you didn't lose your godhood when you brought those farmers back to life? You know, the ones that you killed and then tried to frame Xena for their deaths. 'Until next time, Xena,'" mimicked Antony.
Tapert rolled his eyes. "Do they have to point out every continuity error I've ever made?"
"I don't think they've got enough time for that, even in this long of a fan fiction," replied Colleen.
The Roman soldier turned his attention back to the Warrior Princess.
"Come on, Xena," Antony pleaded. "Remember that night under the stars in Egypt? All that sexy rolling around in the sand? Baby, you know I'm the one who loves you. I'm the one you should be with."
"And what did you get from Xena, huh, Antony?" queried Ares, not to be outdone by rationale. The former member of Mount Olympus began to count off on his fingers. "No Cleopatra. No Egypt. No fleet of ships. No sex"
"No sex...look who's talking," Antony shot back.
Ares narrowed his eyes and continued. "....Deceived. Oh, and let's not forget...she KILLED you!"
"That's not what happened...." Xena began from off-stage. She stopped and looked to Colleen. "That was what happened. I thought Tapert was the one supposed to be learning the lesson here," she said miserably.
Antony's pretty boy brain suffered a meltdown with the introduction of a second thought. The beautiful Roman's eyes glazed over for a moment while the one train of thought his brain could handle got back on-track. Antony re-focused on Ares.
"Yeah, well, I heard about what she did to you in Amphipolis, tricking you by promising sex. Seems like she treated both of us the same, dude," said Antony, his brown eyes filling up with tears. "She fought us with sex! Whatever happened to old-fashioned weapons like strategy and swords and stuff?"
"Oh, Xena using her brain to defeat enemies was just getting old and it wasn't sexy," explained Tapert patiently.
"Sex as a weapon...that's my girl," winked Ares to Xena. "But the real heart of the matter is that we all know Xena likes her boys bad."
"Maybe it's what I like...but it's not who I love," snarled Xena.
"I'm a bad boy, too, Xena," pleaded Antony, tears filling his eyes.
Ares walked over to the weeping Roman. "You're nothing but a cry baby," said Ares who planted one foot behind Antony, shoving him to the ground. The Roman's face held a look of complete, surfer boy surprise as his ass hit the stage floor and he blasted into a million bits of glitter.
Ares turned back upstage, brushing pretty-boy glitter off his chest.
"And we all know I'm the baddest boy on the block."
The leather-clad stud swaggered to the mike as another song introduction began. The rats began to jump up and down excitedly as they were the only ones left to sing back-up.
"We get to sing back-up for Ares! It's so....so....." began the first rat.
"Ironic?" asked the second rat.
"Appropriate," said the third as all three rats nodded their heads in agreement.
"I heard that," Tapert yelled at the furry fiends. He glanced around to gauge the other's reactions, who seemed not to notice the rats. "I think."
(to Aretha Franklin's
version of Respect)
(words in parentheses are sung by the Rat Trio)
What you want
Baby I don't care
What I want
Is all that matters
What I'm doin'
Is a whole lotta stalkin' wherever you are (Just a whole lot)
Hey Xena (just a whole lot) when you get home
(just a whole lot) Princess (just a whole lot)
Always gonna do
you wrong, no matter what
I'll protect your baby (ooh) just gimme your womb (ooh)
All I'm askin' (ooh)
Is for a lotta sex for my troubles (yeah, a lot of sex!)
Xena (just a lot of it) a lotta sex (but we'll call it love)
Yeah (just a lot of sex)
I've? gone and shown
you all my obssession
And all I'm askin' in return Xena
Is you give me your sex
Anywhere, babe (just a, just a, just a, just a)
Yeah Xena (just a, just a, just a, just a)
When you go to sleep (he'll invade your dreams)
Yeah (yeah a lot of sex)
Oooo, your sex is
(ooh)
Sweeter than honey (ooh)
Or at least
That's what I'm hopin' Xena
That's what I'm hopin' Xena
All I want you to do (ooh) for me
Is give it to me when you get home (sta, sta, sta, sta)
Yeah, Xena (sta, sta, sta, sta)
I'll whip it to you (stalkin', that's what I'm talking)
When you get home, now (but we'll call it love)
S-T-A-L-K-E-R
Find out what it means to you
S-T-A-L-K-E-R
But I'll call it love!
"Enough!" roared Xena, and the song and Ares came to a screeching halt.
"How could he do that to one of the coolest songs ever?" asked Colleen sadly.
"Awww, he was just getting started," said Tapert. The executive smiled at Colleen. "That was really good."
"Mr. T., did you hear his words?" exclaimed the co-ed.
"Words, shmurds," the executive replied. "Did you see his MOVES? That guy can dance...and he's good-lookin. We'll win for sure now."
"Dude, will you ever get it? I mean, this fan fic won't end until you GET it," the sweet and cuddly Colleen said with not a small amount of exasperation in her voice.
Ares smiled and leapt off the stage, executing one somersault in the air and landing in front of Xena.
"It's not enough, Xena. It's never enough," he said softly. He placed his hands on the Warrior Princess' hips.
"See, look what Xena is letting Ares do," pointed out Tapert to Colleen.
Xena pulled back her mighty warrior fist and crashed it into Ares' face. He doubled over and she brought her knee up hard into his chin. The former God of War flew backwards nearly a hundred feet, landing on his gorgeous, sumptuous, tight as rock...but not tight as a ROC...buns.
"She just kicked his ass," Colleen said.
"Yes, but she kicked his ass with love in her heart," smiled the oblivious Tapert.
Xena looked to where Ares had landed, her blue eyes widening in shock as she had expected him to evaporate like Borias and Antony.
"Yeah," said Ares rubbing his painfully throbbing nose. He shook his head and got up. "I'm the real thing, baby..." he held his arms out. "...now come to Papa."
Xena turned from the former God of War and stalked away.
"OK. Poor choice of words," said Ares as he scurried ahead of the warrior, coming to a stop in front of her. The Warrior Princess halted, glaring.
"Get out of my way," Xena said evenly.
"Come on, Xena. It's you and me. It always has been...You know that I love you," Ares said.
"You and me?" Xena laughed. "Ares, as a villain you were at least interesting. But as a lovesick, former god dogging my every move...you're just pathetic."
"You sure make this love crap difficult," Ares said angrily.
"Xena said Ares was interesting," Tapert said proudly. Colleen rolled her eyes.
The Warrior Princess stopped to re-assess the situation. Hitting the former God of War wasn't working...though it certainly felt good. A change of strategy was needed. She decided to try and reason with the stalker.
"Don't you see what's been happening, Ares? You...me...Gabrielle"
The muscle-bound stud snorted derisively at the mention of the irritating blonde. The really hot, spank-me gorgeous, irritating blonde, Ares drifted off in thought for a moment only to find himself dragged back by Xena's angry words.
"We've all done things and acted in ways lately that just aren't us. Don't you even wonder why you're..." Xena looked around at the stage and Colleen and Tapert in exasperation "...here!? Don't you wonder why after all these years of trying to destroy me that you suddenly decided you were in love with me?"
"Hate is just another word for love," said Tapert airily.
Ares was torn between
actually considering Xena's argument and trying to think of a
biting, viscious comeback to prove his love when he noticed a
shimmering in the air over Xena's shoulder. The shimmering was
taking the form of a person. He couldn't make out who it could
be but odds were....
