The castaways inhaled their rice in record time. Not even the usually deliberate Rich took a moment to savor the extra spoonful they all received due to Greg's departure from the island the night before. No, the corporate trainer was too busy formulating a plan. Stranger things than normal had been happening all day and something in his massive gut told him that Colleen was the key. For the first time in weeks, he noticed that her attention had stayed focused for more than a few seconds.
In fact, he mused, She's downright contemplative... His train of thought was stalled when Colleen stood.
"I'm gonna take a walk," she announced and headed in the same direction that Xena and Gabrielle had gone.
"Hey! Wait up!" Rich yelled. "I could use a walk!" He jogged to catch up with the startled co-ed.
"He could use more than a walk!" Rudy said to the remaining survivors. "I didn't think dem queers liked fatties!" He thought for a moment. "Course, he ain't never mentioned no boyfriend... Maybe dat's why he wants da million. Buy himself one o' dem cabana boys or somethin'."
"I remember when I was a cabana boy..." Sean waxed poetic until he saw the raised eyebrows of his mates. "Oops. Did I say that out loud?"
"Ya, Sean." Soozin answered.
"I just did it for a couple summers to raise money for med school," he giggled nervously. "Not because I'm gay or anything..."
"Yeah, and I bit my ex-husband's nose because I'm a cannibal!" Kelly's words dripped with sarcasm. "Not because I'm a psycho bitch!" Soozin and Rudy roared with laughter. Gervase nearly woke from his after dinner nap.
"I don't think..." *sob* "...it's very nice..." *sob* "...to make fun of people!" Jenna cried.
"And I..." *fake sob* "...don't think..." *fake sob* "...it's possible..." *fake sob* "...that you are such a pussy! Knock off the tears, Little Miss Cry Baby!" screeched Soozin.
The others howled as Jenna burst into tears. Again.
"That's what the
slut gets for not sleeping with me!" thought Sean.
Back at the beach, Rich decided the best way to get the information he wanted was to pretend like he already knew what was going on.
"Some day, huh, Colls?" he said casually.
"Yeah." Colleen replied coolly.
"I mean, I can't believe the way those folks were sent here. Falling out of the sky and all." He smiled. "I wonder which island god they pissed off?" Colleen's eyes widened. "I'm getting close to something," thought Rich. Colleen wanted him to go away.
"I really gotta pee, Rich."
"You crafty little minx!" he thought. "By all means... I'll wait right here," he assured her.
Colleen warily made her way into the jungle. Though a large man, Rich was quite stealthy. He managed to follow the careful co-ed without getting caught. When Colleen reached a clearing where she was sure she was safe, she tried to summon Mezzo and godconnie.
"Hey, youse guys," she said looking up, half expecting the breathtaking women to swoop down from the heavens on the backs of winged horses. "I need to talk to you about something." Both she and Rich waited with bated breath. Nothing happened. "If you can hear me, give me a sign." She hoped this would work.
Suddenly, it started to snow in the clearing. Rich began to fume as Colleen giggled and caught a snowflake on her tongue. The snow stopped as quickly as it had begun.
"I guess that means you're listening, huh?" She turned around once, checking to see if she was still alone. Rich remained hidden behind a very large bush. "Okay... I don't know exactly why youse guys are here. I mean, you've gotta be doing this for a reason, right?" She paused, waiting for an answer that never came. "Well, I'm here to tell ya that Rich might figure out how to screw things up. He's very smart and he may be the spawn of Satan, I'm not sure. And even though you seem to be in control, you really need to keep an eye on him. Maybe you could just freeze him until this is over."
"LIKE HELL!!!" Richard roared as he stood and pointed a shaking finger at Colleen who squealed in horror and ran back toward camp. Rich's body vibrated with greed-induced rage and adrenaline.
"I'll get to the bottom of this right now!" he vowed to himself and took off running deeper into the jungle. The earth shook with his every step. A mile away, the warrior and the bard felt the tremors.
"Did you feel that, Xena?" Gabrielle asked as she studied the fishing net she had found on the beach.
"I did." Xena replied as she put the finishing touches on the raft they had been building. The earth shook again.
"Earthquake?" asked the bard.
"Try again," the warrior said playfully. There was another tremor.
"Volcano?" Gabrielle said, unsure. "No..." She held up her hand and closed her eyes. Another tremor. "Fat man running?" she asked, opening one eye.
"That's my girl!" smiled Xena.
"Am I your girl?" asked Gabrielle.
"Always."
Just then, the relative silence of the island was shattered by a thunderous scream.
"Fat man angry?" laughed Gabrielle.
"Indeed." Xena agreed. "Perhaps we should take that as a sign to leave?"
"Where are we headed?" the bard asked as she tossed the fishing net to the ground and helped Xena place their raft in the water.
"There's a ship circling this island. We'll row out to it and ask if they'll take us to the mainland."
"What if it's a pirate ship?" The two women began paddling away from the island.
"Then we'll kick their butts, sail back to the mainland and turn them over to the proper authorities." Xena declared.
"Sounds like a
plan to me," agreed Gabrielle.
Richard had come to a stony mountainside. He searched frantically for the electronic keypad that he knew was hidden somewhere under a piece of faux rock.
Deep inside the mountain, Mark Burnett, executive producer of the television show, Survivor, lounged in his luxury suite which overlooked the high-tech facility where a staff of twenty men and women monitored the castaways' every move. Burnett had decided to watch a highlight reel of Jenna's infamous butt angling, but his anticipation was thwarted by the sound of an alarm in the room below.
"What's going on down here?" Burnett asked as he stepped out of the elevator and into the control room.
"Our monitors show two figures on a raft. It looks as though they're trying to make it to Probst's yacht," replied a young man who stared nervously at the screen before him.
"Holy Hades!" Burnett barked as he studied the screen as well. "We need a storm with strong winds in sector 27A, pronto!"
"Yes, sir!" shouted another crewman as buttons were pushed and levers were pulled.
The sky opened over the bard and the warrior. Lightning. Thunder. Rain. High winds. Xena looked over her shoulder and saw a large wave coming right at them.
"Get ready, Gabrielle!" she yelled over the din. The blonde turned just in time to see the wave hit them. The raft overturned, throwing the two women into the sea and hitting Xena in the side of the head, rendering her unconscious. Gabrielle struggled to stay above the surface.
"Xena?!" she screamed as she spun around in the churning water. "Xena!!!" The bard filled her lungs with air and dove under the water. It took a couple seconds for her eyes to adjust to the darkness, but she soon spied the sinking warrior. The mighty Amazon Queen wrapped a muscular arm around her partner and propelled both of them to the surface with her powerful legs. Gabrielle knew that making it back to shore was going to be the most daunting task she had ever faced but she was determined to succeed.
The wind had picked up considerably around the island. Back at the mountain, Richard had to shield himself from flying jungle debris. Finally, he managed to find the hidden keypad that would allow him to enter Mark Burnett's secret facility. He punched the code number assigned him, "666," and a slab of rock slid to the side, revealing an opening. Rich entered and the slab closed behind him.
Two miles away, Rob Tapert stood perfectly still in a pitch-black cavern. He'd been standing there, paralyzed by fear and confusion, for nearly two hours. The events of the day had been very perplexing and now he found himself in the dark. Literally.
This is just like the time back in Detroit when Campbell and I built our own sensory deprivation tank after getting hammered and watching Ken Russell's Altered States, thought Tapert. My God! What if the past 20 years have all been an illusion? Have I been hallucinating? What if I'm still lying in that tank? What if I'm not a television mini-mogul? What if I'm not married to a luscious Kiwi actress? What if I'm still a stock boy at the A & P?!!! He began to sweat profusely.
A bolt of lightning cut across the stormy sky outside. Tapert let out a terrified scream as the light allowed him a fleeting glimpse of a naked figure huddled a few feet away. An equally high-pitched male scream matched his. Intermittent flashes of light afforded them the chance to recognize each other as human.
"Who... Who are you?" questioned Tapert nervously.
"I found this place first!" shouted the naked, muscular man. "Who are you?!!!"
"My name is Rob Tapert. Executive producer of Xena: Warrior Princess and Cleopatra 2525."
"No way, dude! Those babe's are hot!" came the more relaxed reply.
"So you've actually heard of the shows?" Tapert was relieved. He wasn't hallucinating.
"Sure... Too bad those two on Xena are lesbians... Not that I wouldn't mind seeing some hot girl on girl action..." the stranger said wistfully.
"They are not lesbians!" roared Tapert. "Why does everyone think that?"
"Maybe because they're always hugging each other and taking baths together and giving each other backrubs and sleeping next to each other and saying 'I love you, Xena...'"
"People did that in ancient Greece! It doesn't mean anything!"
"How come Hercules and his little buddy never did those things then?"
"What are you? Gay?" asked Tapert.
"HELL NO!" the stranger yelled and stood defiantly in the dark. Another bolt of lightning lit the cave for a split second. Both men screamed like schoolgirls when they realized that one of them was completely nude.
"Is there a reason why you're naked?" asked Rob.
"Um..." The
stranger cleared his throat. "It's a long story..."
Mark Burnett and his crew watched the compact but powerful blonde fight the elements as she brought her unconscious companion back towards shore.
"She's magnificent!" sighed an awestruck technician.
"Yes, she is," agreed Burnett.
"Who are they?" asked one of the visiting CBS execs. "I don't recall discussing the addition of new castaways."
"Uh..." Burnett didn't want to look like he had no idea what was going on. "It's a surprise," he lied.
"A surprise?" the exec asked. "Can we afford surprises?"
At that, a seething Richard burst into the control room.
"You backstabbing bitch!!!" Rich pointed at Burnett. "What are you and Colleen up to?!!!"
"Excuse me?" Burnett was confused.
"I saw her talking to you! I saw the snow in the jungle!" fumed Rich.
"What are you talking about?"
"You know damn well what I'm talking about, Burnett! You and that sweet little piece of ass are making me out to look like a fool!" Richard was beet red from his face to his protruding gut.
"Calm down, Richard," Burnett said softly. "Have a seat. Please." He motioned to a nearby chair. Rich was hesitant, but suddenly realized how exhausted he was, so he decided to sit. Mark circled around behind him and began massaging his sweat-covered shoulders. Rich let out a low moan. "You like that, don't you?" Burnett whispered.
"Mmm-hmm..." Rich groaned and closed his eyes.
"Now, calmly, Richard..." Burnett caught the eye of the facility's doctor and motioned with his head toward the emergency medical kit. The doctor walked nonchalantly to the kit and opened it. "...tell us what happened."
"First," Rich sighed, "These people fell from the sky..."
"From the sky?" Mark asked while nodding 'no' at the doctor who was holding up a small bottle of baby oil. "Were they wearing parachutes?"
"No, they just fell from the sky. Ker-platt!!!"
"Okay..." Burnett watched the woman rummage through the kit. "Then what?"
"Then one of them disappeared..." Rich continued.
"Disappeared? Like, how?"
"One minute he was there and the next he wasn't!" Rich began to get annoyed again.
"Just relax..."Burnett said as he began to massage Rich's temples. "You're so tense..." The doctor held up a tube of K-Y jelly. Burnett rolled his eyes. He silently mouthed the word, "tranquilizer," to her. She pulled out a CD called Frank & Liza. Burnett gasped internally. How did that get in there? he wondered. The woman raised a questioning eyebrow. Mark shook his head and then did a little charade sleepy thing and, once again, mouthed the word, tranquilizer, but more slowly this time. The doctor nodded affirmatively and continued to rummage.
"Colleen was acting all funny," Rich continued. "You know, as if she were actually thinking. I decided to follow her into the jungle. She spoke to the sky and asked for a sign. It started to snow..." He began to sob. "Why hast thou forsaken me?"
"Richard." Burnett came around to face him. "Sweetheart. You have to believe me when I say that I would never forsake you." The doctor slowly made her way around to stand behind Rich.
"You promised that I would win if I gave you a great TV villain," the weeping man reminded him.
"I did. And you have. My promise still stands." Burnett assured him.
"Then why are you collaborating with Colleen?"
"Honey, I think you've been out in the heat too long..." Burnett nodded to the doctor who quickly injected the tranquilizer into Rich's neck.
"What the...?!!!" Rich yelled as he grabbed his neck. "Why, Mark? Why?" he tried to stand but was too woozy. Mark and the doctor caught him under his flabby arms and gently placed him on the floor.
"Don't worry, Richie, things will work out for you." Burnett smiled affectionately. "Now, you must rest..." Against his better judgment, Richard lost consciousness. Burnett waited until he was sure that Rich could no longer hear what was being said. "Put a tracking implant in him, then dump him in the jungle," he ordered the doctor.
"What is going on here, Burnett?" the exec asked as five husky crewmembers struggled to move Richard's prone body to the examination room.
"Obviously, Mr. Hatch is suffering from heat exhaustion. We'll rehydrate him, set him up with a tracking device so we can monitor his movement, and put him back on the island. He won't remember any of this." Burnett, who was unsure himself, assured the man.
"I don't know about this," grumbled the exec. "New additions to the cast, people trying to escape, the most together person on the island raving like a lunatic about snow in the jungle, and I've heard that one of the ex-castaways is missing from the resort..."
"Everything is under control..." Burnett was cut off as the room was filled with melodious laughter. The unmistakably female voices were more hypnotic than those of the sirens, though only the female crew seemed enchanted. The men, on the other hand, all shook with instinctual dread. As the voices faded, it began to snow in the control room.
"What the hell is going on here?!" demanded the exec.
"It must be a malfunction of some sort!" yelled Burnett, who was close to exposing his own panic.
"We can't find any malfunctions," said the woman who operated the main computer.
The snow stopped. Faint laughter was heard for a few seconds.
"See..." Burnett pretended to regain his composure. "...all better now." The last remaining snowflake landed on the tip of his nose and melted.
