A man who grabbed opportunities when they presented themselves, Ares smiled, reached over and trailed his fingers down Xena's arm. Then using both of his large, studly hands, he took hold of Xena's waist, pulling her close to his hips.
Gabrielle had fully materialized. She didn't even have a moment to ascertain where she was. All she saw was Xena and Ares in what seemed to be an extremely intimate clinch. But from her vantage, she could not see Xena's icy glare directed at Ares.
"Murphy's Law," said Colleen sadly. She looked to the skies accusingly. "I don't think this is very nice, youse guys."
As Xena had been focused upon reasoning with Ares, her Gab Radar was compromised. But now it went off like a clanging dinner bell. The warrior whirled to see the bard staring at her and Ares. The former God of War smirked.
"Ares," growled the bard. She began striding purposefully toward the dark stud, picking up a head of steam and anger as she broke into a run.
Ares' eyes widened in fear and lust. The bard looked so beautiful coming toward him, all pumping thighs and swaying hips. He knew he should run because, well, he was mortal now and Gabrielle could kick his ass.
But Gods on Mount Olympus she looks so HOT, thought the former God of War who was frozen on the spot like a refugee from The Man Show caught in the headlights of an oncoming Playboy Bunny.
"Help me," he finally managed to squeak to Xena, who stood beside him.
Xena's eyes were just as wide as the former God of War's and she wasn't sure who was about to get their ass kicked: her, Ares...or both of them at the same time.
"You're on your own," she gulped. And the Warrior Princess took a long, warrior-sized step sideways just as a furious ball of blonde bard barreled into Ares.
Tapert observed Gabrielle's appearance with irritation. He didn't need her presence to mess things up...he was so close to winning. But wow, she sure does look sexy running, mused the executive.
Hmmm, he thought, If we put Renee in an even skimpier outfit and had her running with explosions going off in the background. Yeah, that might work. Now all I need is a plot to go with the visual.
Tapert shook himself from his idea-borrowing reverie as Gabrielle tackled Ares and began to open a can of Grecian whoop-ass on him.
There was a flurry of fists and punches, all delivered by Gabrielle, followed quickly by sounds of pain and grunts...all served up by Ares.
Tapert ran over to Xena.
"You're the hero. Do something! She's damaging what's left of my Chosen One!"
Xena and Tapert heard a particularly loud howl and looked up to see Ares tumbling through the air above them. They watched him fly over their heads in a beautiful arc, landing with a thud in the tall jungle grass.
Xena looked at Ares curiously. "Ah, he's not even bleeding yet..." she said to Tapert. Then she squinted, taking a closer look. "Well, not much."
Ares lay on the ground, groggily shaking his head.
"You know what, Ares," said Gabrielle. "I've tried. I've tried so hard. I've put up with so much from you. And I thought I could rise above it all. But I just can't."
"Couldn't you pretty please try again?" whimpered Ares.
"Don't think so, buddy. You've gotten away with far too much already and it stops now."
The Bard began to close in on the former God of War once again.
"Mommy...I want my mommy," he began to cry.
Tapert swung his large, pregnant stomach--which was not unlike turning the Titanic around to try and miss the iceberg--and began running.
"It's a Battle of the Bands...not Battle of the Fists," yelled Tapert, hastily placing himself between the bard and his fallen vanguard of all that was hallowed and straight.
Gabrielle stopped her charge on Ares, breathing deeply. She didn't want to harm the pregnant executive. Well, part of her did, but it would be the wrong thing to do. And then his words registered.
"Battle of the Bands?" Gabrielle asked Tapert.
"Thank God," Ares croaked, "er, gods, I meant," glad the bard's attention was diverted for a moment. He scrambled up off the ground, scurrying over to stand behind Tapert for protection.
Gabrielle looked around, noticing the unusual color of the sky and trees for the first time. She saw the stage, full of strange contraptions and things that appeared to look like musical instruments.
"Where are we?" she asked no one in particular.
"Fifth-usia," bubbled Colleen.
The co-ed beat the bard to her next question. "It's like Illusia," she added. "Only it's about this past year of your life."
"Twenty-six years," corrected Tapert impatiently. "The fifth season covers 26 years."
"A Battle of the Bands in Fifth-usia," said Gabrielle in astonishment. "What are we battling for?"
"We're battling for Xena," said Tapert. "And so far, the guys are winning."
"The guys?" asked Gabrielle.
"Yeah," Tapert smiled smugly. "Borias, Antony and Ares. You remember Antony, don't you Gabrielle? He's that guy Xena was making out with in the desert when you all were in Egypt."
"What?!" exclaimed Ares who had stepped from behind Colleen. The former God of War smiled wickedly. "Oooh, you're in trouble now, Warrior Princess."
Furious, green eyes turned to Xena.
A huge boulder screamed out of the sky. Tapert looked up and managed to move out of the way just in time as the boulder crashed next to him.
"Ha. Guess the Island Goddesses didn't like me ratting Xena out there," said the executive.
Colleen walked over, glaring at the executive. "That wasn't nice, Mr. T."
"Well, all's fair in sex and rock 'n roll," retorted a giddy Tapert, sure he was near winning the contest.
Gabrielle ignored everyone and everything but Xena.
"Is this true?" she asked.
"I had to. It was part of the plan," explained a distraught Xena who had hoped never to have this particular discussion with her soulmate.
The bard's breath hitched but she grabbed onto her anger to keep the tears at bay.
"Gabrielle," Xena began desperately. "This is all the work of the Island Goddesses..."
She cut the warrior off. "Has everything this past year been the work of the Island Goddesses?"
"Twenty-six years!" howled Tapert. "Why is that so difficult for people to get?"
Xena looked from her upset and furious lover to her smirking stalker to the sputtering Tapert.
"That's it!" the frustrated warrior yelled to the skies. "This battle is OVER!"
"Hey, no fair! You can't make any decision until both bands play!" whined the executive.
Xena turned to give the executive a piece of her mind...or fist, she wasn't sure which. Ares decided to crab at Xena and Tapert launched into a hormonal bitch fest at them all. There was a brief cacophony of noise. The bard took a breath and searched for inner peace. She tried to find patience, love and understanding, but it was like trying to find a song written by Melissa Etheridge without at least four clichés and the words "fire" and "desire" in the lyrics.
"Quiet!" roared the bard. Xena and Tapert stopped short, eyes wide. Ares began to shake in fear.
"I don't understand exactly everything that's going on here or why, but I DO have some things I want to say," the bard said, a beautiful, angry blush rising in her cheeks, the tears forgotten.
"Gabrielle, I swear nothing happened" began the Warrior Princess.
"When, Xena? Just now with Ares or back in Egypt with Antony?"
"Please," Xena tried again.
"Don't!" the bard said with quiet fury. "I've had enough of being understanding. Of being nice. Of being quiet. Of being pushed to the back as if I'm some sort of wimpy, pathetic, good little understanding..."
"Sidekick," interrupted Tapert. "Understanding sidekick. That's your role."
Gabrielle threw him a murderous glance.
"Baby!" he yelped, pulling on his t-shirt and taking an instictive step back.
"Gabrielle, you know that we've been manipulated..."
"Maybe, Xena. But we have free will and we can decide how we act. How am I supposed to feel about all this...about Antony?"
"It's not like I had sex with Antony...or Ares for that matter," exclaimed Xena, looking to somehow salvage the incredible mess she found herself in.
"Don't pull that with me, Warrior Princess," the blonde Amazon dangerously. "How would you like it if I rolled around in the sand with Lin Qi like you did with Antony...even if it was part of a 'plan?'"
Xena closed her eyes at the unwanted visions of the bard in anyone's arms but hers.
"What if you found Najara touching me like I just saw Ares touching you?" the bard pressed.
"That would be kind of sexy," said Ares.
"Shut up!" Xena and Gabrielle yelled at the former God of War.
"Zeush, they're so crabby," muttered Ares.
"Put yourself in my place and answer the question, Xena. I'd like to know," said Gabrielle who was, if possible, becoming even angrier.
"I'd kick his...or her...ass," said Xena quietly.
The Warrior Princess rushed on, desperate. "Gabrielle, we talked about all this and you said everything was all right. I thought this was all behind us."
Tapert leaned over to Colleen. "Blah, blah, blah. This just proves my point that Xena's straight. Lesbians love to 'process' things by talking them to death."
Colleen looked at Tapert, dumbfounded.
"What? Liz Friedman told me so," said an indigant Tapert. "Now, look, Gabrielle's yakkin' a mile a minute and Xena's the one who doesn't want to talk. So who's the true Lesbian here, I ask you."
For the first time in her life, the co-ed seriously entertained a murderous thought.
"I thought it was behind us, too, Xena," continued Gabrielle. "Until I saw you in Ares' arms...yet again. On top of that I get to find out about Antony from someone I barely know," said Gabrielle. "There is a 'we' here, Xena. You and me. Us. You have to decide. It's all of us or nothing. Because I'm at the absolute end of what I can or will take."
Xena had never seen Gabrielle this angry and at the bard's last words, the blood drained from the warrior's face, leaving her ashen and shaken to her core.
Gabrielle turned from Xena and walked away.
Tears formed in Xena's eyes. This can't be happening, she thought numbly.
The bard paused and then shook her head as if fighting with something internally. Then she squared her gorgeous, broad, muscular shoulders and spoke to the skies.
"I want to be in the competition. I want to battle for Xena."
Xena's legs turned to rubber as a wave of relief washed over her and the Warrior Princess was barely able to keep from collapsing to the ground.
"You?!" laughed Tapert. "You can't even sing."
"Gabrielle, you don't have to do this," said Xena. "You know that you're the only..."
"You. Listen," Gabrielle said with quiet rage. The warrior closed her mouth abruptly.
The bard headed toward the stage. Xena and Colleen followed with Tapert scurrying after. Ares threw up his hands in disgust and trudged after the group.
At a hundred yards or so from the stage, Gabrielle began running, launching herself into the air and performing three perfect somersaults. She landed on the stage and turned to face the small audience.
For Gabrielle, long-suppressed feelings of the past years began to surface. She tried to keep them down, but the emotions tightened her chest painfully. The bard had a sudden urge to scream, kick, yell...something. She looked over to Ares, considering kicking him around a little more.
Ares noted the look in Gabrielle's eyes and stepped quickly behind Colleen for protection.
"She wouldn't kick my ass if I were a god," grumbled the dark stud.
"Yeah, she would," snorted Colleen.
"OK, Island Goddesses..." the Amazon's emerald green eyes bore into Xena. The Warrior Princess raised her chin and stared back, heart in her throat. Gabrielle growled, "I need back-up. Your choice."
There was a sudden thunder clap power chord. Everyone but the bard and Xena flinched at the sound. In the distance, two glowing balls sped toward the stage and the blonde warrior.
"Hey, maybe that's Naima and the Archangel Michael," said Tapert.
"Great, a major clash of religious philosophies in the middle of a musical. Just what we need," sighed Colleen.
As the orbs got closer, it became apparent that they were horses with riders, both trailing a stream of bright orange and red fire.
The flying horses landed softly, unaffected and yet engulfed by flames. They stood behind Gabrielle like fiery sentinels, back lighting the Amazon Queen to gorgeous effect but singeing not one hair on her beautiful body. Two women vaulted from the horses and onto the stage. One was a wild-haired blonde with big, pink, pouty lips and the second was a sassy-looking, auburn-haired woman with fierce, ice-blue eyes.
Colleen gasped from off-stage. She pointed and began screaming like a 13-year-old white girl at an 'N Sync concert with lots of money to spend.
"It's Courtney Love from Hole and Shirley Manson from Garbage!" the co-ed screamed. She fell to her knees, bowing and chanting, "We're not worthy! We're not worthy!"
The Survivor tugged on Tapert's t-shirt. "Bow, infidel, bow!"
"Oh, please, like they can do better than Ares," snorted Tapert who wasn't about to bow. "Look who they've got singing for them!"
"Goddess," said Love reverently to Gabrielle. "We heard you needed back-up," she eyed the small crowd of onlookers angrily.
"I think that blonde chick wants to kick my ass," a frightened Ares gulped.
"Which blonde?" asked Colleen innocently, who wasn't yet sure if she could stand in the presence of the High Priestesses of Rock-n-Roll.
"Not just your ass," growled Love with a pointed look at Xena and Tapert.
The executive thrust his stomach out, hoping being pregnant would once again save him.
The Warrior Princess took no notice of the rockers. The only thing in her world right now was one pissed off, feral, blonde Amazon Queen.
Love and Manson strode over to the Marshall stacks, unrolling the electrical power cords and stabbing them into their guitars.
"Goddess, if I may," began Manson.
Gabrielle took her attention off Xena for a moment, stopping Manson.
"That's the second time you two have said that. I'm not a Goddess. I'm just Gabrielle."
"You're Gabrielle, Bard of Potedaia. Your poems and scrolls have influenced the greatest song writers and lyricists over the millennia: Van Hildeberg, Goethe, Mozart, Wolf, Gershwin, Dylan, McLachlan and many, many more. You are a true goddess of lyrics. And we're here as your Bad Ass Bard Back-Up Band," explained Manson.
Gabrielle blushed...beautifully of course.
"Godde...er...Gabrielle," smiled Manson. "Let us know when you're ready."
Gabrielle approached the mike.
"Let's do it," the bard rumbled.
Tapert's eyes widened as an idea hit his brain. He looked over at Colleen and laughed with delirious, evil gusto. "Renee can't sing! Winner's Circle and L.A.here I come."
Manson and Love launched into a fast-driven chord pattern. The ferocity of the sound reached the place in Gabrielle where her pain and anger lay waiting for release. The emotions came in a rush. She began to nod to the beat the rockers had set forth and let it take over her entire body. Gabrielle grabbed the microphone and began to sing with all her heart, her love, her soul, her passion.
Take All of Us
(Violet
by Hole)
And we slept as one under the stars
And all the heavens shone for you and I
You know that we are one
(and here Gabrielle stared at Ares) And you know that "no"
means "no."
(the Bard returned her attention to Xena) He won't last a day
You and I forever
He won't last 10 minutes ("Hey!" yelled an indignant
Ares from off-stage.)
We are forever
Always here, loving you
No one else, you alone
You are all that I want
We are each other's heart and soul
Go on take all of us, take all of us
I want you to
Go on take all of us, Take all of us
You want it too
I don't know where
your head's at
Lately you confuse me, confuse you
But I'm the one who knows your soul
Ours above and ours below
They won't last a day
We are forever
...(Xena was aware that some of the words were now repeating, but Gabrielle's passion continued unabated...unsated. Xena could barely breathe as Gabrielle poured everything out in song. The Warrior Princess slowly became aware of the words once again.)
You told me from
the start
Just how this would end
But I'll get what I want
and that's our love again
Go on take all of us, Take all of us
I dare you to
Go on take all of us, Take all of us
The song ended with Love and Manson's ringing guitars and the bard's last notes raging through the small crowd of onlookers.
