Back at the stage, Tapert's rant trailed off as he noticed he had only one member left in the audience.
"Did anyone hear what I was saying?" yelled the frustrated executive.
"What? Huh? Um, no, I've been thinking," said Ares distractedly.
"Please don't. You're not supposed to think...you're just supposed to stand around and look pretty," said an irritated Tapert. "Now where're Xena and Gabrielle...and Colleen?"
"What's been going on this past year?" asked Ares rhetorically, ignoring Tapert's remark. "I mean, Xena and I had a complex, dark, deep relationship in the early days. It was about power over one soul...my dark temptation against her struggle for good. The fate of individuals and even the world often rested upon that relationship. And then all of a sudden it was about sex," frowned Ares. "I mean, I've claimed to love Xena, but all I've done is bring her--and myself--misery and pain. And for what, a chance at an orgasm or two?"
"Umm...duh," replied Tapert. "No doubt the Island Goddesses are putting these thoughts in that pretty head of yours...or Steven Sears," the executive glanced around. "Did you see a bear or a hummingbird around here?"
"I mean, let's face it," continued Ares. "I may want to boink Xena, sure. I want her to lead my armies...rule the world and all that. But I don't want any kind of ball and chain," and here the dark stud mimicked a female voice... "'Why can't you be goooood and help people?'" he dropped his voice to its normal register. "For Elysian Fields' sakes, I'm Ares, God of War!"
He began to feel a strange, tingly sensation in his hands. Ares looked down and, for a second, thought he saw a crackling of blue on his hands.
"You were Ares, God of War...now you're just Ares, mortal stud," said Tapert. "See, I took your powers away because I wanted to prove that you loved Xena...and I thought it would be dramatically interesting."
Ares' mouth stood wide open in utter shock.
Could this red-haired creature be telling the truth? thought Ares. Earlier he claimed he made Antony. The Island Goddesses created this entire Fifth-usia world for the pregnant man's benefit. He must be a being, maybe even a deity, of enormous power and importance. What if Tapert has some kind of control over my world, my life? What if it wasn't Eve who brought about the destruction of the Greek gods, but this 'executive producer?'
The dark stud turned his attention back to Tapert.
"So. You had something to do with my god-lessness?" he said out loud, his anger beginning to rise.
"I created you. I rule you," replied Tapert, oblivious to Ares' increasing agitation.
"Rule me, do you?" said a disbelieving Ares. "No one rules Ares."
"Oh, please, you've been ruled by your penis since Xena got pregnant with Eve. Your character does what I tell it to because I'm..." and here Tapert paused, put his hands on his hips, and threw back his shoulders as his hair blew proudly in the wind. "...the executive producer of Xena: Warrior Princess."
Ares ignored the producer's insult. He was curious about how worshipful Tapert's voice became when he said the words 'executive producer.'
"Is an executive producer more powerful than a god?" asked Ares.
"Yes. Yes it is," Tapert searched for a way to express his role with Xena: Warrior Princess in terms that Ares could understand. He hit upon an idea, shortly to become the making of his doom.
"Everything that happens to Xena and her world, including what happens to the Greek, Hindu, Roman Gods and the God of Light...even Dahok...happens because I make it so. That twilight of the gods thing? Me. The rise of the God of Light and Eve's birth? Me again. Dahok's attempt to take over the world? Yup. Me. I'm the power that be," Tapert said.
Ares had a sudden, Greek god version of an epiphany. And he was not happy. So THIS was why life had become such a living Tartarus! This executive producer creature had been manipulating him. Why he, Ares, had gone from a god of war to a lovesick stalker to a mere mortal.
Ares felt an intense heat in his hands. He looked down to see blue, crackling fire surrounding his fingers and swirling over his palms. A look of amazement...and hope...crossed his handsome face. Ares pointed his finger at one of the guitars on stage near Tapert. A blue bolt of flame cracked in the air. The guitar exploded.
Tapert gulped.
Ares smiled.
"I'll show you mine if you show me yours," Ares said, his voice low and dangerous.
"My what?" gasped Tapert.
"Power. What did you think I was gonna show you? Now, show me how much power you have. Let's duke it out, mano oh mano, I dare you," said the confident dark stud.
Back at the space-time fan fiction continuum rip, Argo II noticed Xena. The mare trotted to the glowing hole and peered in at her owner. She spied Gabrielle and whinnied indignantly.
Gabrielle sighed. "Argo II hates me almost as much as Argo I did."
"No, she doesn't, Gabrielle," Xena assured the bard. The Warrior Princess turned to the mare and smiled. "Hey, girl, I've missed you."
Suddenly there was a large cracking sound and what seemed like a small explosion. Xena, Gabrielle and Colleen all whirled in the direction of the stage. As their backs were turned, an impatient Argo II stepped through the rip in Fifth-usia. She came up behind the Warrior Princess, nudging her hip and looking for treats.
The women's attention was distracted from the stage by the sight of Argo on their side of the rip. Xena gasped, quickly checking the blonde mare over.
"She's fine," whispered Xena, chuckling and patting Argo. She looked to the bard excitedly. "This is definitely the way home, Gabrielle. We just have to step through."
Argo trotted over to Colleen and began nudging the co-ed.
"Tart," muttered Gabrielle to Argo. The mare looked back over her shoulder and snorted at the blonde.
Colleen giggled, patting Argo's broad forehead.
Back at the Battle of the Bands stage, Tapert and Ares continued their war of words.
"You better be nice to me or I'll...." began Tapert in a desperate attempt to regain control of the situation.
"You'll what?" purred Ares, the blue energy crackling through his hands.
"Or I'll...leave you mortal for another half a season...yeah, that's what I'll do!"
Ares flung his hand out, shooting a blue flame at the pregnant executive producer. It missed Tapert by an inch. The executive began to scream...loudly.
Meanwhile, Xena was giving the rip another look-over. She carefully extended her hand past the rip.
"Xena, be careful!" cautioned Gabrielle.
She pulled her hand back. "Look, everything's fine," Xena assured a relieved bard. "Gabrielle, we should get going," she said.
"Let's do it," smiled Gabrielle.
The Warrior Princess paused, a frown on her face.
"But what if it's just another world ruled by the Island Goddesses," she asked.
"It can't be any worse than being trapped here with Tapert and Ares," the bard noted. "Besides, we can come right back through if there's a problem."
It was Xena's turn to nod in agreement.
The bard and the warrior turned to Colleen to say their good-byes when another louder explosion startled the three women. This explosion was accompanied by a burst of blue light and a loud, piercing scream.
"Not now," groaned Xena.
Gabrielle sighed and gave the warrior a lop-sided, bittersweet grin.
"Someone's in trouble. Probably Tapert. We've got to help," the bard said. "The greater good and all. This rip will be here for awhileI hope."
Xena clenched her jaw in agitation. She turned, patting Argo and pushing the mare back toward the opening. She shrugged to Gabrielle. "Just in case. No sense that she has to be trapped here with us."
Xena spoke to Argo. "Go on home, girl. We'll be there soon, I promise," she said softly.
Argo whinnied, but stepped through the rip and wandered back to the tree, hunting for apples.
Xena turned to Gabrielle. "You know, you should..." began the warrior.
"Don't you dare even think about trying to send me back without you," growled the bard.
"OK, OK," said Xena.
The warrior took one last glance at their way home and then turned to Gabrielle and Colleen. "Let's go." They headed toward the stage area when the threesome heard a strange gurgling. They looked over their shoulders to see the time space rip close.
"Looks like the Island Goddesses figured out what we were up to," smiled Xena wryly.
Another blue flash of light exploded, followed by another scream. The dynamic duo and the brunette Survivor took off running for the stage. Crashing through the underbrush, Xena called out to Gabrielle.
"You know, this greater good stuff is a pain. Next time we need to choose between the greater good and us...let's choose us," the warrior smiled.
Back at the stage, Ares had just finished throwing a particularly spectacular blue bolt of energy just for the Tartarus of it...because boys, even god-boys, love to play with their toys.
"I'm back!" he roared, flexing his fabulous biceps and howling to the skies. He looked at Tapert. "And you're toast, you pathetic excuse for a god."
"I'm pregnant!" squealed Tapert, once again pointing to his stomach. But he knew that the asskicking he had managed to avoid so far had finally arrived.
"And I'm a villainous godlike you, apparently. So what do I care?" grinned Ares who threw a flame of blue at Tapert. "Let's see who's the real 'power that be.'"
The red-haired executive turned and ran for his life.
"Come on, you big baby, show me what you got!"
"I'm a producer, not a fighter," yelled Tapert over his shoulder as he desperately tried to avoid the God of War's energy bolts.
"And another thing 'executive producer,'" continued Ares. "no one" ZAP- "...but NO ONE" -ZAP- "...messes with Ares, God of War!"
The executive was zig zagging across the meadow, leaping like a pregnant gazelle.
"Where's my hero when I need her?" he cried desperately. Tapert looked ahead and began running for the safest place he could think of: the jungle undergrowth.
Gabrielle, Xena and Colleen arrived at the stage to see Ares' display of pyrotechnics. The warrior and the bard exchanged worried glances. Gabrielle turned to Colleen.
"Stay here and out of sight," she ordered the co-ed. Colleen nodded, eyes wide, and stepped behind some bushes.
Ares pulled his arm back, muscles bulging as a large, blue ball of energy appeared on his hand. Xena somersaulted into the air, while Gabrielle ran at gorgeous, full Amazon sprint into the melee.
Ares unleashed his fireball. Gabrielle's eyes widened, glancing at Tapert. It was headed directly for the fleeing executive's butt.
In one fluid movement, Gabrielle unsheathed her sais and launched herself into the air flinging a sai toward the streaking ball of energy. The bolt crashed off the blonde's deadly weapon, ricocheted and slammed into a tree, disintegrating it into a pile of ash.
"Sonofabacchae," grunted the Amazon, climbing off the ground and retrieving her sai from the ash. "Why isn't his aim as bad as the other Olympian gods?"
Ares growled at the bard's interference and flung another long, blue lightening bolt of energy at Tapert. Xena swung her sword like a baseball bat, returning the bolt to Ares. His eyes widened and he hit the ground, ducking the flame as it screamed over his head and hit the stage, destroying the entire structure.
Xena and Gabrielle's quick reflexes gave the pregnant executive some valuable time and he disappeared, screaming at the top of his lungs, into the jungle undergrowth.
Xena grinned at the bard. Goddess, she's hot when she's all action, the Warrior Princess thought not for the first nor last time.
Gabrielle smiled back, raising a knowing, lascivious, eyebrow.
Xena blushed.
Ares rolled his eyes.
"Enough with the sexual innuendo," he said disgustedly.
"What? You just now got it?" snorted the blonde.
Ares glared at Gabrielle and began to stride toward the spot where Tapert had disappeared into the jungle.
The dynamic duo stepped toward each other, blocking Ares from the red-haired executive's path of escape. Xena drew her sword as the blonde warrior twirled her sais, both ready to do battle with their old nemesis.
"Leave Tapert alone," growled Gabrielle.
"Or what, you'll kick my ass some more," retorted Ares. He held a sculpted hand out, summoning a large ball of energy. "Bring it on!"
"It's buh-rough-ten," yelled Colleen, stepping out from behind the safety of the bushes.
Ares, Xena and Gabrielle stopped and stared at the Survivor.
"Oh, you'd have to see the movie to get that one," smiled the co-ed. "Or at least the commercial."
"Hey. She really is cute," said Ares to no one in particular, grinning at Colleen.
The God of War turned his attention back to Xena and Gabrielle. He cocked his head and smiled.
"You know what? I'm just feeling real good right now," he flung both arms out as two blue balls of energy began swirling. Xena and Gabrielle stepped into battle stance, unsure of what the dark stud planned.
Ares raised his hands over his head, twirling the balls on his index fingers.
"Tapert made my life a living Tartarus, but you know what? I think it's only 'cuz I let him. Free will and all," said an unusually philosophical Ares. "Tapert's not 'all that and a bag of potatoes' or he would have stopped me. So, obviously, he's not a god. He worked some kind of mojo on me, I'll grant you that. But he's not worth the time and effort it would take to catch and kill him."
Xena and Gabrielle looked at the spinning balls.
"Does this mean you're a god again?" said a curious Xena.
"Looks like," grinned Ares. He shook his hands out, causing the balls of energy to disappear and leered at the Warrior Princess. "Why? Does it turn you on?"
Gabrielle growled. Ares, despite his returned godhood, had a momentary attack of mortal terror.
"Nothing about you turns me on, Ares," said Xena.
An idea occurred to the warrior. She hated what she was thinking, but she was desperate. Maybe the God of War could create another rip in Fifth-usia.
"Ares, you've got your powers back. You could help us get home."
Ares threw back his head and laughed. "Oh, I'm not feeling that good. Besides, you'll find a way out. You always do."
The God of War winked. "See ya."
Ares drew himself up to his full six-plus feet and concentrated his powers, attempting to dematerialize. Nothing happened. He looked around, a little shocked and embarrassed.
"Having a little god-impotency there, dude?" smiled Colleen.
"Never," he said confidently to the co-ed, his plump, gorgeous lips wrapping around the word suggestively.
Ares focused again, scrunching his eyes closed. After a moment he opened them, only to find himself still standing in front of Xena and Gabrielle.
"Just a minor set-back," said the God of War, but with far less confidence. "I haven't done this in awhile. Yeah. That's it. Must've lost my touch."
And the dark stud returned to focusing his powers on getting the hell out of this gods-forsaken 'Fifth-usia.' Veins began to pop out on Ares' neck and forehead as he concentrated on dematerializing. He even brought his arms into the act, thrusting them out in front of him and flexing them, his muscles and veins bulging, handsome face turning beet red.
Colleen giggled. "We're going to pump..." she clapped her hands together and pointed at Ares. "You up."
And still, nothing happened. Ares let go of his muscle bulging antics and took a deep gasp of breath, his normal color returning.
"Why can't I go?" he whined. "I hate this place. I want to get back home and wreak some havoc and destruction!"
The God of War looked to see Xena smirking at him. It was too much for his ego. Ares flung his hand up, creating another large ball of blue fire, angrily drawing his hand back to fling the ball and wipe the smile from her face forever. As he let go of the energy ball, it simply dissapeared disappeared with a small blip. Ares stood staring in shock.
"Looks like your return to godhood was short-lived," said Xena.
Ares drew his hand back again to summon the energy and noticed that the crackling fire around his hands was completely gone. He looked up at Xena, who was still smiling.
"I am SO going to kick your ass the old fashioned way," he threatened, heading toward Xena.
The Warrior Princess flung her head back, long, black hair whipping around her face as she and the bard readied themselves for battle.
"And I'm going to have fun mopping the ground with your face," she taunted.
Ares strode forward and suddenly found himself aloft in the air, arms pin-wheeling and legs kicking in surprise.
"Hey! Lemme down!" he yelped. "I'm Ares, God of War, you can't do this to me!"
The dark stud looked down and noticed that he was beginning to fade.
"No fair," he bellowed as he continued to kick and yell. But much to Ares' horror, he became more and more transparent. The former God of War finally gave in, sighing. "Well, at least I'm outta here and I've still got my looks."
And Ares, returned once again to mortal stud-dom, simply disappeared.
Colleen smiled. "Well, you gotta give the Island Goddesses props for that one."
