Meanwhile, Tapert had managed to run a good, long distance considering his pregnancy. He came upon the two previous tunnels he had passed when he first had awakened to find himself in Fifth-usia. Now there were three tunnels. Two of the escape routes were sealed with rock, and the previous signs were gone.
"Is that a hint?" wondered the desperate and confused executive.
The third tunnel had a sign and it read "Island Goddess Compromise Tunnel."
Tapert ran through. An iron-gate slammed down behind him, closing off the tunnel from any retreat. Ahead of him was a sign that read Suckah and more green foliage and rolling meadows ahead.
Tapert heard noises behind him. Thinking Ares had found him, he squealed and kept running, ignoring the taunting signage and hoping for the best.
Back at the Battle of the Bands stage, Xena, Gabrielle and Colleen headed back to where they originally found the rip in hope of finding another way home.
"Xena, when we were here earlier, why do you think the Island Goddesses immediately closed that rip up?" asked Gabrielle.
"Probably 'cuz they fell asleep during Tapert's rant back there," hypothesized Colleen.
"Or it took them awhile to come up with enough power to close the it," suggested Xena.
"We came very close to escaping," continued the bard. "And remember when we were out on the boat, why didn't they keep us from getting on the boat in the first place? Why let us get off-shore?"
"For a more exciting and action-filled plot?" interjected Colleen.
"Well, like Aphrodite and Ares, maybe they can't watch us every second," said Xena.
"Or maybe they're not goddesses after all..." began Gabrielle.
"Rrrroowwwrrr," interrupted Colleen. Gabrielle sighed.
"I don't know why I keep doing that," laughed the co-ed. "The goddesses must have some deep-seated insecurity to have me go on and on about how beautiful and powerful they are."
Xena shook her head and turned to the bard.
"Gabrielle, if they're not goddesses, how could they have created all this?"
"They obviously have a lot of power," replied Gabrielle. "But now we know there's a limit to their power."
"Oh, no, I don't think there's a limit to their power," smiled Colleen.
Xena turned to throw the co-ed an exasperated look. The warrior's eyebrows shot up in the air. Colleen was becoming lighter, more transparent.
The co-ed caught Xena's look of surprise. "Whoa, Hollow Girl," she exclaimed, noticing her own disappearing act.
Xena and Gabrielle looked down at their own bodies to see they were quickly disappearing as well.
"Here we go again," sighed Gabrielle.
"I wanna go home," said a frustrated Xena.
The threesome disappeared
from Fifth-usia.
Xena was drifting. She felt so comfortable. "Ohhh," she thought happily. It felt like her head was on the softest of pillows. The Warrior Princess smiled as she slowly began to wake up from her deep, Island Goddesses-induced dream-scape. Blue eyes opened, looking into mischievous, brown eyes. "Brown eyes?" thought Xena groggily. She turned her head and noticed she was snuggled up against Colleen's breasts. The Warrior Princess jerked her head away from the co-ed's dreamy pillows and got up off the ground hastily.
"Um, you're not gonna tell Gabrielle about this, are you?" asked Xena.
"Not in this alternate reality or any other," chuckled Colleen. "I need to be alive if I want to be the last Survivor."
Colleen climbed off the ground and stretched.
"I hope youse guys are about to wrap this up," she yawned sleepily to the skies. "I gotta get back to my full-time job as America's Sweetheart."
"We need to get back to the camp," Xena said, deciding she would never understand Colleen's strange way with language. "My guess is that baby's about to be born and Gabrielle and Tapert may need our help."
Xena strode off in the direction of camp with Colleen following.
Gabrielle woke up slowly, as she was prone to do. She yawned and sat up, happy to be out of Fifth-usia. She sighed. Unfortunately, she was still on the island because she spied Tapert sleeping just where she had last seen him when the snowfall began. Gabrielle noticed the pregnant executive was still thrashing about in his sleep. Apparently the Island Goddesses had not yet brought him back from Fifth-usia. And then she noticed the executive's pregnant stomach begin to undulate.
"The baby," whispered the bard.
Back in Fifth-usia, Tapert stopped running, sure that he had finally lost Ares. The pregnant executive began to feel slight pangs in his stomach and across his back.
"I've gotten out of shape being a Hollywood mogul," he muttered to no one in particular. The pain began to subside and he leaned against a tree, panting to catch his breath. He saw a door to a large castle ahead.
"Hmmm, a castle on a tropical island. Oh, well, stranger things have happened since I arrived here," Tapert said, rubbing his stomach. He staggered to the door, pushing it open and stepping inside.
Tapert looked around. How odd, it looks just like a barn on the inside, he thought. He turned to see a wagon, straw on the floor and hay bales scattered around the room. The pregnant executive was about to explore the castle further when he became aware of a presence behind him. Fear skittered up his spine.
"Hello...Tapert," came a husky voice filled with gleeful malice.
Tapert turned and let the breath out that he hadn't known he was holding. "Gee, Renee...I mean Gabrielle, you startled me!"
Gabrielle was standing before him dressed in her old BGSB. Her hair was long and blonde, her eyes blue.
"Hope," he said, his mouth suddenly hot and dry and he knew that all the Perrier in the world couldn't help him now.
Hope cocked her head and grinned. "I spring eternal...Tapert."
The pains were back and he clutched his stomach.
"Almost time," whispered Hope, circling him.
"Time?" whispered Tapert.
"Exactly how are we going to get that baby out of you?" she asked conspiratorially.
Tapert's eyes widened in surprise and not a small amount of terror. He hadn't even thought about how the baby might come out.
"Jesus," he panted. "Whoever came up with the idea of having me get pregnant didn't really think it through, now, did they?" The irony of the moment was, sadly, completely lost upon the red-haired, continuity-hating executive.
Hope laughed. Tapert was hit with sharp pains and he fell to his knees and doubled over.
"Help me, help me, please?" he gasped.
"Like you helped my mother when she was having me?" said Hope, her voice low and taunting.
"Why should I help her? She's just..." -gasp- "...the....sidekick. And you were just an evil demon."
"Half human, buddy," said Hope testily. "Too bad I couldn't have a shaft of light redeem me, though," Hope mused, watching the panting Tapert with an almost clinical interest.
"Livia is Xena's daughter. That makes a huge difference. She was destined for greatness and to be a spiritual leader of goodness."
"I'm sure the thousands of people she murdered and crucified will find that thought ever so comforting," replied Hope dryly.
"She was redeemed. It was a great storyline..." began Tapert.
"And so original...that whole bad girl redeemed, fighting her dark urges while protecting and helping the innocent. That's not something you've ever done before," Hope said derisively.
"I refuse to argue with a figment of my nightmare. I'm having a baby and it hurts!" squealed Tapert. "Help me!"
Hope came over and helped Tapert to a pile of hay that was near some barrels. She rolled the executive onto his back.
"OK, I'll help you. This should be fun...well, for me anyway," smiled the blonde goddess as she brusquely stuck a straw pillow under the pregnant executive's head.
"Better?" she queried.
"It hurts like hell!" Tapert muttered between clenched teeth.
"Tartarus, don't you mean?" said Hope.
"Hell, dammit, hell!" screamed the hormonal man.
The pains were coming hard and fast and Tapert felt sweat burning his eyes, blurring his vision. He wiped his face. A woman with a head of burnished bronze curls appeared behind Hope.
"Here. He can watch the flame," said Ephiny, placing a candle on the barrel beside Tapert's head.
She turned to Hope. "And you can." She smiled as she handed Hope an impossibly large knife.
Ephiny turned back to Tapert. "Just breathe deep and focus on the candle," she said cheerily, winking at the executive. "And hope like hell your kid doesn't have hooves!"
Hope held the knife lovingly. She turned it right and left to catch the light from the candle and it gleamed wicked and sharp.
"No, no, no," cried Tapert.
"Baby's gotta come out somehow, Robbie," chuckled Hope. "It's either this," she held up the knife. "or..."
"Or what?" blubbered Tapert.
"Well, sweetie pie, you're a guy. What other orifice do you have?" Hope began to laugh with evil gusto. Ephiny joined her.
Suddenly a chorus of voices broke into a percussive chant. Tapert could hear a full orchestra playing fast and furious music peppered with Stravinsky-like rhythms.
"What the hell?!" screeched Tapert. Joseph LoDuca appeared from behind a hay bale.
"Hey, it's just me adding some atmosphere. You remember me, don't ya, Rob? I'm the only one on the show who's won an Emmy." LoDuca winked and disappeared, leaving the gape-mouthed executive staring after him in disbelief.
Tapert then heard an odd, skittering sound and turned his head to see a giant rat perched near the barrel eyeing him. It must have been at least four feet tall. And to its side was an even larger snake.
The pains in Tapert's stomach became excruciating until only one thought filled his mind.
"Pussssshhhhh!" screamed Tapert. "Pussshhh! I gotta pusssshhh!"
Hope and Ephiny laughed on. The music was reaching a loud, crashing crescendo and Tapert turned his head to see the snake devour the rat.
"Taaaahpiocaaahh, Taaahhhpert," it said as it slithered toward him.
And then the real horror began as the television executive felt pains begin in his "Oh. God."
Tapert bolted straight up screaming. "Noooooooo!"
He felt strong arms around him and heard low, soothing nonsensical noises that calmed him.
"It's ok now. You're safe," said a gentle voice.
A cool cloth was placed on his forehead. Tapert opened his eyes to see Gabrielle. He had just enough time to breathe a quick sigh of relief that the nightmare was overwhen the first real labor pain set in.
Xena and Colleen had managed to shake off the last vestiges of their goddess-induced sleep and were nearing the Survivor camp.
Colleen noticed that Xena was agitated and kept glancing around.
"What's wrong?" asked Colleen. "Are your spidey senses acting up again?"
"It's just so quiet. Too quiet," replied Xena.
"Yeah, not much action by Xena Warrior Princess standards, huh?" said the co-ed, kicking a small rock along the path.
"It has been awfully talkative around this place," the warrior said wryly.
"Well, writing action is difficult," said Colleen.
"Are we back to that again, Colleen?" Xena asked testily. "Even if this is a fan fiction, Gabrielle and I are real. We're just...we're just trapped here," she said angrily. "And we're going to find a way home."
Colleen didn't agree with Xena, but she wasn't about to argue, either.
The twosome passed a small, beautiful waterfall. They walked further on, past a group of green, lush bushes. Xena stopped, putting a finger to her lips and motioning the co-ed to silence.
Collen nodded her head, holding still and very happy that the warrior was distracted. The bush began to shake.
Xena snarled and reached into the foliage, dragging two kicking and squealing figures out by the collars of their raggedy T-shirts. The warrior lifted them into the air and began to shake them like rag dolls.
"Hands off, Warrior Princess!" howled Soozin.
Xena's eyes widened and she dropped a snarling Soozin and hissing Kelly to the ground.
Just then the rest of the Survivors approached the surprised quartet.
"There you two are," sniffled Jenna at Kelly and Soozin. "I was beginning to think you were trying to dump us!" she accused.
"We were, you big cry-baby," crabbed Kelly.
"What were you doing in the bushes?" asked Xena who wondered if the two might be plotting something with the Island Goddesses.
"What do you do with Blondie in the bushes?" retorted Soozin.
Xena raised an eyebrow.
"Soozin was getting her Wiglesworth?" asked a surprised Colleen.
"Hah. She was trying," snorted Kelly.
"That's not what you said back there when I offered my..." Soozin noticed everyone was listening. "When I offered my flower to you," she finished, a hurt look on her face.
Kelly grinned and wiggled her studded tongue at the truck driver.
"Can't touch this!" she teased.
Soozin dove for Kelly's throat. Xena stepped between the two.
"All right, all right, break it up you two love birds," said Xena.
"I hate you," seethed Soozin to Kelly.
"Liar," Kelly shot back.
"Yeah, you're right...for now," acknowledged the truck driver immediately forgetting her ire at Kelly. "Listen, my wedding anniversary's coming up after this is all over. Can I come over to your house?" queried a starry-eyed Soozin.
"Sure. You and your husband can visit. We'll celebrate, I guess," shrugged Kelly.
"Who said anything about my husband coming?" snorted Soozin derisively.
"Then it's a date!" exclaimed Kelly happily.
The two partners fell
into each other's arms, chuckling gleefully.
Xena sighed heavily, rubbing her forehead in agitation. She didn't know how much more of these rag-tag Survivors she could take. Her warrior senses began to tingle.
"Thank the goddesses," the Warrior Princess muttered. She addressed the rest of the survivors.
"Listen up, we need to get back to the camp and fast."
"What for?" whined Gervase.
"A baby's about to be born," said Colleen.
"A baby?" asked Sean. "Who's pregnant? Did I do it?"
"Tapert's pregnant. Don't you remember?" asked the brunette survivor.
"That red-haired guy?" queried Sean.
"Yeah, Xena's booooyfriend," snarked Soozin. Xena threw the truck driver a glare.
"His name starts with a 'T,' so I haven't gotten to him yet," mused Sean, happy to know he couldn't possibly be the father.
Jenna rushed over and threw her arms around Xena.
"It's so beautiful," she sobbed. "He's having your baby."
"For Gaia's sake, he is not having my baby!" exclaimed Xena, quickly extricating herself from the bikini-wearing, blubbering mass of emotions. "Now come on!"
Xena strode off toward the camp without a look back. The rest of the Survivors fell in step behind her.
"You know, I'm
pretty sure guys can't have babies," said Sean, the doctor,
as they continued their trek.
