Back at the camp, Gabrielle had made Tapert as comfortable as possible as she sat by his side, awaiting the baby's arrival.
"Are you sure I'm not still in Fifth-usia," Tapert groaned through gritted teeth as he was hit with another labor pain. "It still hurts!"
"You're having a baby. They, um, they hurt when they come out," said Gabrielle who wasn't sure where this baby was going to emerge since Tapert was a guy with guy parts...as far as she knew anyway.
Gabrielle heard voices and looked up with relief to see Xena and the rest of the Survivors approaching the camp.
Xena immediately went to Gabrielle's side to see how Tapert was doing.
"Can I help?" asked Colleen looking worried.
"Boil some water, we might need it," responded Xena.
Colleen nodded and set off to perform the task. The Survivors turned their heads to watch.
The co-ed poured water into two large cooking pots. She then took a pole and hooked it through the pots, kneeling down and putting her shoulders under the pole. The small burnette strained to stand up, wobbling a bit, and headed off toward the campfire to begin boiling the water.
"Looks like she's having trouble carrying that water," said Sean.
"We might outta help," said Rudy staring at the struggling co-ed.
"Naw, let's go see what's up with Tahhhpert," said Soozin.
"Finally! Something to do," said Gervase.
The rest of the Survivors trudged over to gather around the groaning executive and the dynamic duo.
The bard looked up at the circle of Survivors.
"Hey, you! Aren't you supposed to be a doctor?" she called out to Sean.
Sean whirled, looking behind him and trying to figure out to whom the bard was referring.
"Are you nuts?!" exclaimed Tapert. "I don't want him near me!"
"Gabrielle, I don't know if that's such a good idea," Xena said, surprised to be agreeing with the executive for once.
"He's a doctor. And even if he's a bad doctor, we're going to need all the help we can get," whispered Gabrielle to Xena.
"He couldn't tell a stethoscope from a chain saw!" Tapert managed to grunt as another labor pain hit.
"Hey," said Sean indignantly. "At least I know when the Wall of China was built. And there's no way that wall was around when Xena first met Lao Ma!"
The Survivors stared at him in disbelief. Sean gasped and clamped his hand over his mouth.
He shrugged and grinned. "So what? I watch the show once in awhile."
Gabrielle decided to try again. "Please help us. The baby's coming!"
Sean giggled and shrugged his shoulders and pulled on his shirt. "I don't know nothin' 'bout birthin' no babies, Miz Gabrielle."
"Get over here!" growled Xena, knowing the bard was worried about the executive's safety.
Sean's eyes widened and he hopped over quickly. He didn't want to get his nose smashed again. The "doctor" plopped down on the ground, folding his legs under him.
"Well, I'll sit with you and observe since I obviously missed the day of doctor class where we talked about how men have babies," he said affably. "Then I'll know what to do next time I run into this situation."
As Sean sat down, Tapert began to sob. "You hate me, you really, really hate me!" he said to no one in particular.
There was sudden movement as if something was crawling underneath Tapert's skin. Lumps appeared on his stomach, rolling back and forth and scurrying up and down, distracting the executive from his sobbing jag.
"Wow. Altared States," sniffled Tapert looking down at the strange movements.
Another labor pain hit and the executive began to howl.
The bard and the Warrior Princess exchanged glances. They still had no idea how the baby was going to get out and the frantic movements from Tapert's stomach made them wonder if the baby might not be trapped.
Gabrielle turned to Xena and whispered. "You might need to help him like you helped Ephiny."
"I heard that!" yelled Tapert mid-howl and with super-human strength that generally only mothers in labor possess, the red-haired executive grabbed hold of Xena's copper armor, yanking the surprised warrior down until they met nose-to-nose.
"Druuuuuuugggggs!" he screamed into Xena's face, causing her hair to blow back as if hit by a gale of wind.
Gabrielle, completely nonplussed by Tapert's extreme emotions, quietly patted his forehead dry with a cool cloth. "It's OK. Everything's going to be OK," she soothed.
Xena uncurled the executive's fingers from her armor, releasing herself from his surprisingly strong grip. Tapert continued to moan, coming in and out of coherency.
"You're taking this all very calmly," Xena smiled at Gabrielle
"Well, it could be worse...like Zeus trying to kill us with a thunderbolt," replied Gabrielle, thinking of their daughter and glad Eve was safe and away from this crazy, mixed-up world they found themselves in.
"Xena, what about pressure points? Maybe they could help," asked the bard.
"I don't know, Gabrielle. We don't know where the baby's coming out. I'm afraid using them might actually harm the baby or Tapert."
"Who cares?!" cried Tapert who had managed a moment of coherency. "You're the daddy. Ease my pain!"
Xena's eyes narrowed. She chose to ignore the executive's claim on the baby's parentage. The warrior knew there was no way to reason with him right now.
"Do something!" he roared.
"All right," growled Xena as she executed a rapid set of finger punches into Tapert's chest and stomach.
"Not. Working," squealed Tapert as yet another labor pain rolled through his body and his stomach began to shudder.
Xena tried another series of pressure points.
"Now it's only blindingly painful instead of trapped in the bowels of hell painful," crabbed the ever-ungrateful executive. "You're supposed to get rid of the pain!"
Xena shrugged. "I'm afraid you'll have to go through this the old fashioned way," the dark warrior said to the sweating executive.
"Frickin' hell!" screeched Tapert. "This is a make-believe island with dreamscapes, fictional characters come to life, Island Goddesses, and all manner of bizarre and weird powers and they can't let me have a baby without pain?!?!"
"That would sort of negate the whole torture, vengeance and learn a lesson theme going on here," offered Colleen as she approached the executive, carefully setting down a pot of hot water next to Xena.
Tapert looked up and around with bleary, blood-shot eyes, noticing the rest of the surrounding Survivors for the first time.
"Grrrrreat. An audience in my time of torture," he said.
"Would ya look at dat?" grumbled Rudy. "Damn queers having damn babies now. They'll take over the world soon."
"That's, like, an agenda, isn't it?" said Gervase.
Suddenly, a large, swirling blue circle began to appear at Tapert's belly button.
"Ow! Ow! Ow!" belly-ached the executive. "That kind of hurrrrts!"
"Sissy," muttered Soozin.
"Truck Driver!" yelled Tapert back, still angry that she had left him alone and defenseless in Fifth-usia.
"Why is this happening to me?" the executive sobbed as his blue hole began to grow. "I'm a powerful, creative, genius television executive producer. Why, oh, why, oh..."
"This guy is way clueless," sighed Colleen, shaking her head.
And then it was like the heavens opened and a chorus of television executives sang in four-part harmony. Tapert realized what was going on. The real reason for his trip to this island.
"Spin-off," he croaked. "I'm having a baby and it's Xena's baby because I'm telling myself--through this dream that somehow turned into a nightmare...probably because of mushrooms--what the spin-off from Xena: Warrior Princess should be. That's it! Even my dreams are creative, money-making genius," he laughed hysterically.
Xena and Gabrielle exchanged worried glances. The executive's ramblings were definitely becoming stranger.
The blue hole continued to expand, taking up nearly all of Tapert's mid-section. Something large and encased in a white, gooey substance began wriggling out of the hole.
"Ow, ow, frickin' owie!" howled Tapert.
"Man, that blue hole is like Mary Poppins' purse on acid or something," said Colleen.
"Well, I guess we know how the baby's coming out now," said a wide-eyed Sean.
Xena grabbed hold of the wriggling case which was like grabbing hold of a well-oiled lady mud wrestler.
"Having a problem there, Slick?" said the truck driver sarcastically.
Xena glared at Soozin as she finally managed to get a firm hold on the gooey casing and began gently easing it out of the hole in Tapert's stomach. In the process, white goo was getting all over the Warrior Princess' hands, making them slippery and her grip precarious. With a small, wicked smile, Xena flung each hand around, launching the goo into the air where it landed upon the Survivors.
"Ewwwww," complained Gervase.
"Get that damn queer juice offa me!" bellowed Rudy.
"Missed me, missed me now ya gotta..." began Soozin just as a spectacularly large glob of white goo hit her right between the eyes.
With her hands free of goo, Xena grabbed hold of the case again and continued gently working it out of Tapert's tidy blue hole. Gabrielle worked to keep a now yowling Tapert as calm as possible.
"I know it hurts" said Gabrielle.
"It doesn't hurt anymore, it's just frickin weird!!" screamed the executive.
The Warrior Princess gave one last tug and the gooey case came out with a final squelch.
Then Tapert's magical hole began to shrink until it simply closed up with a loud burp.
"Excuse you," said Sean.
"Thank God," cried a relieved Tapert who decided that a good faint was in order and proceeded to do just that.
Gabrielle and Xena were trying to open the casing as something frantically struggled to get out.
"Xena, the baby might suffocate if we don't get it out of there," whispered Gabrielle.
The duo could see what appeared to be the shape of hands and feet but they were having no luck getting through the case.
"I don't want to use my chakram, Gabrielle, it might hurt the baby," said Xena.
Just then they noticed a protrusion in the white casing accompanied by a small, ripping noise. Something sharp popped out and began to saw through the thick, white goo. Xena and Gabrielle glanced at each other.
Tapert regained consciousness.
"Hey!" he called weakly to Colleen. "Hey, did you see that? I'm the first man in the history of the world to have a babyI should use that on the show. Where's my baby? Where's my little spin-off?" Tapert cooed. He looked to Colleen. "I hope I can wake up from this nightmare now. I wanna go fishing."
"This can't possibly get any stranger," whispered Gabrielle to Xena.
Just then there was a mewling sound from the case where a face had appeared in the rip. Impossibly beautiful eyes with long, dark eyelashes peered up at the Survivors and the dynamic duo.
"Awww, such pretty, piercing blue eyes!" exclaimed Colleen. She stopped and looked over at Xena questioningly.
"I'm not the only person in the universe with blue eyes, you know," scowled Xena.
The rip elongated and they could now see a mouth that proceeded to speak.
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeere's baby!" it said in a tiny, helium-inflected voice.
The crowd gasped. More of the baby's body appeared and it stepped from its gooey cocoon. There was complete and total silence.
"Ummm," said Gervase. "Are babies usually born with horns, tails, hooves, pitchforks, capable of speaking full sentences...and looking just like Rich?"
"It's like a spawn of Rich," whispered a terrified Colleen. "Just tinier and more overtly demonic."
"He looks like a centaur," said Xena dryly. "I didn't know they had centaurs in this world."
"Well," said Gabrielle, giving Xena a sideways glance. "I guess this proves you're not the daddy."
Tapert began to scream like a girl. "No! No! Xena's the daddy! Take it back!" The executive scrambled up off the ground, backing away from the newborn hellchild.
"Daddy?" whimpered the DemonRichSpawn, tears in his big blue eyes.
"OK, this is officially the worst nightmare in the history of the universe," Tapert sobbed. He began slapping himself. "Wake up! Wake up!"
The executive threw himself at Xena. "If it wasn't you who gave me that baby, who was it?!"
"I'd think that would be kind of obvious since the baby looks exactly like Rich," said Colleen.
"Nooooo!" squealed Tapert. "It was Xena!!"
A startled Warrior Princess tried to hold onto the hysterical red-haired man, but he tore himself from her grasp and ran to the trees.
"Xena, we've got to..." began Gabrielle.
"I know," sighed Xena. "Help Tapert."
"I'm coming with you," declared Colleen.
"We need someone to stay and take care of the baby. Someone we can trust," said Gabrielle.
"I will," bubbled Jenna. Gabrielle looked uncertain at the Survivor's offer.
"Look, I know I'm goofy and emotional, but I know how to take care of a child," said Jenna, her feelings hurt.
Xena smiled, putting her hands on Jenna's shoulders. "Thank you. We know the baby will be safe with you."
"It's a good thing I drink lots of water or I'd be mighty dehydrated by now," cried Jenna as the water works started. "Thank you," the bikini-clad Survivor headed over to the baby DemonRichSpawn.
"He's got a headstart, we need to move fast," said Xena as the threesome headed into the jungle after Tapert.
Still running, a horrified Tapert came upon a naked (as usual) Rich sitting on a log, quietly smashing walnuts between his thighs. The red-haired executive screeched to a halt. He remembered his night with Xena--or who he had thought was Xena--and he suddenly realized the terrible truth.
"Thighs...that could crush...walnuts," mewled the television executive, shaking his head back and forth.
Rich winked at Tapert. "Thanks for a fabulous eveninglover boy."
"No," blubbered Tapert. "That night under the stars. It was you?"
"Allll me, baby stud muffin," replied Rich.
Tapert backed up in terror, tripping over a log and falling to the ground. He couldn't take his eyes off the smirking Rich.
"But, you...you pretended to be Xena."
"Oh, please, Robbie! Anyone would have recognized it was me," laughed Rich. "I thought you just wanted me to play dress-up...like in Butterfly M."
"That's not fair. It's not even nice," cried Tapert.
"Whatever. It served the plot," shrugged Rich. "Just remember, Rob, honey, you're mine now," the corpulent Survivor added ominously.
Tapert began screaming again, scrambling up and running from Rich.
Rich sighed, stood up and brushed away the walnut crumbs, heading back toward the Survivor camp. "Well, if I can't have Gabe, I guess I'll have to settle for Tapert being my bitch momma for awhile...ugh."
Xena, Gabrielle and Colleen were running through the undergrowth as fast as possible. But Tapert's terror-induced run from the camp had given him amazing speed and strength and they were having a surprisingly difficult time catching up to the executive.
The bard and the warrior continued to track Tapert and as they moved quickly along, they crossed paths with Rich.
"We're looking for Tapert, have you seen him?" Xena asked.
"Yeah. He just ran by a little while ago. He seemed upset," said Rich, pretending to be worried.
Colleen looked at the portly Survivor distrustfully.
"Is there anything I can do to help?" Rich asked, deepening his look of concern to throw the cuddly co-ed off.
"Which way did he go?" asked Gabrielle.
"He headed off between those trees over there," Rich pointed.
Xena narrowed her eyes. But even the warrior was unable to get past the years of consultant-honed fake sincerity.
"I don't trust him," said Colleen. "He's always trying to manipulate everything."
"Well, that's true and you shouldn't trust me," said Rich. "But that's honestly the direction he headed. Listen. I want you all off the island. And I figure Tapert's the key to getting you out of here. And with you gone, I can get back to winning Survivor."
"What makes you think you'll win?" frowned Colleen.
"Nice guys and gals finish last," smiled Rich patiently.
"Not always," grumbled Colleen.
"Xena, it's going to be impossible to find him if we don't keep moving," interrupted Gabrielle.
The three women headed off into the direction Rich had indicated. The corpulent consultant had indeed been telling the truth.
"Have fun," the consultant chortled as the beautiful trio ran out of earshot. "You'll find Tapert when the Island Goddesses are ready for you to." Rich turned and headed toward the Survivor camp.
