Jenna was holding Mini-Me Rich in her arms.
"Oh, you're so cute...yes you are! Yes you are!" she cooed at the DemonRichSpawn. The child was trying desperately to squirm away.
"Back off, chick," the spawn spat, leaping out of her grasp. It turned and spied Rich trudging into camp.
"Daddy One!" it squealed in delight. Rich smiled and bent down, hugging the baby.
Jenna burst into tears. "A family reunited," she cried. "That's so sweet."
"Well, we're not completely reunited," said Rich, oozing more fake sincerity to get Jenna to work with him. "We need to find Daddy Two, don't we, honey?"
"Baby Rich has twooo daddies," cooed Jenna.
"Where's Daddy Two?" sniffled the DemonRichSpawn. "Doesn't he love me?"
"Oh, honey, I'm sure he loves you," said Jenna. She turned to Rich. "He needs his Daddy Two," she cried.
"Yes, he does, and we're going to go find him and be one, big happy family again," said Rich to Jenna. She nodded, tears streaming down her face.
Rich grasped Mini-Me's hand and began to walk away from camp.
"I think your Daddy's had juuussst enough time to get completely hysterical. Let's go find him and push him over the edge, shall we?" said Rich. "We've got a job to finish and I've got a contest to win."
Waving his pitchfork in the air, tail whipping back and forth like a cat, and hooves making tiny indentations in the ground, the offspring of a love that definitely dare not speak its name...and Rich...headed into the jungle.
Meanwhile, Xena and Gabrielle, followed by Colleen, continued to track Tapert, but they were getting no closer to the executive.
"Who knew that guy could move so fast," said a frustrated Xena.
"You would have thought we would have found him by following his screams," said Gabrielle. "But I haven't heard a peep out of him for awhile now."
"Maybe the goddesses don't want you to find him yet," offered Colleen. "Between you and me, I don't think they're quite finished torturing him."
"Well, I'm finished having my chain yanked by these Island Goddesses," Xena said angrily.
The threesome heard a strange whirring noise in the distance accompanied by the murmuring of two deep voices.
Xena and Gabrielle crouched down, pulling Colleen down with them.
"I'm going to go check that out," whispered Xena. "Maybe it's something to do with the Island Goddessess."
"If it isn't, we're going to get that much further behind Tapert," noted Gabrielle. "Let me go after him while you check that out. Then you can catch up with me."
"I don't like splitting up, but I can't think of a better plan," said Xena. The bard nodded and the dark warrior slipped into the jungle undergrowth.
Gabrielle began to move when she noticed the co-ed behind her.
"No, I don't want you following me. Go hide over there, just in case," whispered the bard, pointing to a nearby bush.
"I'm beginning to feel like first-season Gabrielle," sighed Colleen as she took up reluctant residence in the green foliage.
Gabrielle stepped away from the co-ed and began to look around. Using her well-honed tracking knowledge, she could tell Tapert had already been through the clearing. She began looking for broken twigs and footprints to ascertain which direction he was headed. She found a path and began to follow it. Deeper into the undergrowth and further away from Xena and Colleen, the bard found a small swath of cloth. The blonde Amazon was checking it over for clues when a hand grabbed her shoulder from behind.
Meanwhile, Xena was closing in on the strange whirring noise. She peered through the undergrowth and saw two large, burly men in uniform on a chariot that seemed to be floating on air.
"I wonder when the Island Goddesses will show," said one of the men loudly, glancing about.
The Warrior Princess smiled at the mention of the Island Goddesses. That explained the floating chariot and these must be some of the goddesses' lackeys! She exploded from the undergrowth, delivering her patented "I'm gonna kick your ass" warrior cry.
The men whirled to see a dark-haired, leggy, charging warrior running directly at them. Their eyes widened in terror. One of the uniformed men finally found the presence of mind to grab for the controls of the hovercraft, but his fear made his hands clumsy and he found himself flailing about going nowhere.
"Get us out of here!" screamed the other man, unable to pry his eyes off the frighteningly beautiful warrior running his way.
Just as Xena came upon the chariot, the first man managed to find "forward" and spun away from her.
Xena began chasing the hovercraft, determined to get the men and certain they knew something of the Island Goddesses. The warrior put on a sudden burst of speed. She somersaulted into the air, defying all laws of gravity and physics, and landed on the hovercraft between the extremely surprised men.
"It takes a lot more than a speeding chariot to get rid of me, boys," smiled Xena.
The warrior then snarled, grabbing one of the men by his collar and flinging him off the machine. She looked ahead to see that she and the remaining guard were on a collision course with a giant tree. Grabbing hold of the second man, the warrior leapt from the hovercraft a split second before it crashed into the tree.
The Warrior Princess and the guard rolled a few feet. Xena leapt up off the ground. The guard looked groggily about just as the warrior punched his neck. He began to gulp for breath.
"You'll be dea..." began Xena.
"We were sent to make sure you were kept away from Gabrielle for a few minutes," the man gasped out in a frantic rush.
"You said something about the Island Goddesses back there," continued Xena.
"We were told to do that so you would follow us. It was" gasp- "a trick. Burnett didn't think he could handle you and the blonde together," the man explained.
With a deep, throaty growl, Xena quickly released the neck pinch and then punched the man in the face, knocking him unconscious.
"Gabrielle," she whispered and began running.
As the hand took hold of the bard, her warrior instincts took over. The blonde Amazon spun, delivering a bone-rattling roundhouse kick to her assailant's chest who fell to the jungle floor on his back, gasping like a fish. Gabrielle shoved her boot onto the assailant's neck and looked down, snarling. Her eyes widened in surprised recognition.
It was Burnett. And near the prone man was what appeared to be a flying machine of some sort.
"What's going on," growled the bard, her foot to Burnett's throat.
"Help. Trying to help...you," gasped the producer who waved a small, white piece of paper in his hand. "Island Goddesses...not much time."
Gabrielle took her boot off Burnett's neck and backed away warily. He climbed off the ground, brushing the dirt off his khakis and rubbing his neck. Gabrielle reached quickly to her boots and unsheathed her sais.
"Wow, that was truly amazing, mate," said Burnett, coughing, his eyes watering.
Gabrielle raised an eyebrow at the producer.
"Oh. Uh. Yes, of course. My crew has found incredibly intense isotope levels and high magnetic polarity at the middle of the island," Burnett said.
He noticed Gabrielle looking at him as if he were speaking English.
"I meanwe found the Island Goddesses' seat of power. Their Mount Olympus, if you will. This map shows you the way."
"How do you know about the goddesses?" asked Gabrielle suspiciously.
"Who doesn't know about them by now," said Burnett. "They're not exactly into covert behavior."
"Why do you want to help us find them?" asked Gabrielle, not sure whether she should trust the producer.
"Simple," smiled Burnett. "This is my island. I'm the power here. I want the Island Goddesses gone so I can produce my television series and make lots of money."
"That was simple," said Gabrielle.
"Now, we've been monitoring their hide-out and the energy levels are reaching critical mass and a meltdown is imminent," continued the producer.
Gabrielle squinted at Burnett.
The Aussie searched for a non-scientific explanation. "Um, they're about to lose their goddesshoods. And if that happens, you and Xena will be stuck here on this island...forever."
Grabielle gasped in shock.
Burnett didn't know if Xena and Gabrielle would be stuck if the Island Goddesses lost their power. He had just said that in an attempt to scare Gabrielle into going along with his plan.
"But they'll find out I have the map and stop us from finding them," Gabrielle interrupted the producer's sneaky train of thought.
"They don't know you have the map," said Burnett, reaching into his back pocket.
Gabrielle moved to launch a sai at the producer.
"Easy, easy," said Burnett, pulling out a small pen. The contraption was emitting a lavender, glowing light much like the light that had oozed from the fan fiction time rip.
"We were able to map their energy DNA. From that we constructed this device to interrupt the isotopic rayon periscopes," said Burnett.
Gabrielle squinted in confusion.
"Um, it's magic...from the gods..."
"Which god," said a suspicious Gabrielle.
"Gadgetdite," replied Burnett hastily. "Basically, it hides you from the Island Goddesses' vision."
"Like Hades' helmet," said the bard.
It was Burnett's turn to squint.
"Hades. God of the Underworld"
Burnett looked at her blankly trying to access what little mythology he could remember. "Hades. God of the Underworld. That's like our hell," he mused.
"When Xena and I were in Tartarus, we could put on Hades' helmet of invisibility and none of the gods could see us," explained the bard.
"Yes. Yes! Just like Hades' helmet but with a bonus. They can't hear you, either," said Burnett. "However, we don't know how long this magic will last and you have to stand no further than ten feet away from the light."
"How do you know it works?" asked Gabrielle.
"Um, cause I say so?" tried Burnett.
The bard frowned.
"Actually, mate, we tested it. The Island Goddesses don't seem to like anything to do with Joxer," said Burnett
"Or Ares," interjected Gabrielle.
"Well, that makes sense. They seem to believe that you and Xena belong together. Anyway, we played a video of Joxer singing the Joxer the Mighty song over and over again. When the pen was on, nothing happened because they couldn't see or hear the video. But when we played the video away from the pen...or with the pen off...invariably a large rock would plummet from the sky and crush the television playing the video."
"That sounds like the Island Goddesses, all right," said Gabrielle dryly.
"Listen, this has been a nice conversation and all, but you've got to hurry if you want to get to the Island Goddesses," urged Burnett.
"I have to find Tapert first," said Gabrielle. "He's in trouble and he needs help."
Burnett looked at the bard in utter disbelief.
"You're kidding, right, mate? That man is responsible for the hell you've been through the past few years: literally and figuratively. Leave him to his just desserts, I say."
Gabrielle frowned. "We're not leaving without Tapert. He deserves to go home, too."
Burnett shook his head. "You really are a good person, aren't you? What a waste," he sighed. "All right. We made a few magic pens. I have a second one," he pulled another pen from his other back pocket "So that I can get back to the compound without the Island Goddesses finding out what I've been up to. I'll make a detour on the way back, find Tapert and get him to the Island Goddesses where you all can meet up."
"Agreed," said Gabrielle. Burnett stepped forward. The blonde warrior moved into attack position, wielding her lethal sais.
"I'm not trying anything. Honest, mate," said Burnett warily. He placed the map and the pen on the ground in front of Gabrielle. The Survivor producer backed away, palms facing the bard so that she would know he meant her no harm. He climbed onto the hovercraft.
"Good luck. I hope you find a way off my island and back home," he said. Burnett took off into the jungle as he muttered under his breath and out of Gabrielle's earshot. "Because if this doesn't work, I'm gonna blow up their little Island Goddess play pen."
Gabrielle waited until the producer was out of sight before picking up the map and the strange contraption Burnett left behind.
The bard knew the producer wasn't being completely truthful. She felt it in her bones. But she believed he wanted the Island Goddesses off the island. And she now had a map of their location, and possibly a magical tool.
"So, we're going to finally meet these Island Goddesses," she thought. Gabrielle hoped she and Xena were up to the taskor battle, if need be.
"I'm getting tired of duking it out with gods," sighed the bard. "This time we're gonna try talking."
Gabrielle held up the map and began to look it over when she heard a familiar warrior cry.
Xena and Colleen crashed into the clearing. Xena had her sword and chakram drawn, and was yelling her battle roar at the top of her lungs.
Gabrielle immediately unsheathed her sais, spinning around.
Xena and Colleen spun around the clearing as well. Warrior and bard faced each other. Collen's eyes darted back and forth between the blonde and the dark warrior. No one moved. Gabrielle was first to break the lethal, weapon-drawn silence.
"Um, what's up?" Gabrielle asked.
"I thought you were in danger," said a sheepish Xena, sheathing her sword and hitching her chakram. "But, obviously, you're just fine."
"Awww. You're so cute," smiled Gabrielle, scrunching her nose and smiling.
"Gaaabrielle," warned Xena. "You can't call me cute in front of people. It takes away from my warrior image Hey, what's that you got there?" Xena asked, pointing at the map and glowing pen.
The Amazon handed the map to the warrior and briefed her and Colleen on all that had happened with Burnett.
"Gabrielle, with their powers, the Island Goddesses could just hide the entrance to their Mount Olympus or keep us running in circles for hours," said Xena.
"This is true," the blonde acknowledged. "But we know from Fifth-usia that they can't possibly see everything all of the time. And with this magic weapon, they won't know what we're up to."
"If it works and Burnett isn't just jerking us around like everyone else on this island," interrupted the warrior.
"He definitely has his own agenda," acknowledged Gabrielle. "But I think that works in our favor as well, Xena. He wants us off the island and we want to get off the island. If we're careful, we've got a chance of finding the goddesses without them catching on."
"Then what?" asked Xena.
"Sensitive chat time," replied Gabrielle.
Xena and Colleen stared at Gabrielle in disbelief.
"Oh, no, it's viscious butt kicking time," exclaimed the Warrior Princess.
"What she said," added the co-ed.
Xena and Gabrielle looked at Colleen in shock.
"Well, it's obvious Tapert's never going to get it," shrugged Colleen. "So the goddesses, as beautiful, gorgeous and fabulous as they are, need to just get over it."
"We've seen their power, you two," cajoled Gabrielle. "Let's try talking first, whaddaya say?"
"I don't want to!" said a very frustrated warrior. "We're never going to get home by talking."
"Xena, come on. We've been fighting gods for years now. Just this oncelet's talk. Please," said the bard, using her sweetest 'I'm gonna get what I want' look. "Come on, you can catch more bees with honey than vinegar."
"Bees sting, Gabrielle. Try a different analogy," Xena said, folding her hands over her plentiful chest.
"OK, OK, you can attract more...flies with honey than vinegar," the bard tried again. "Talking is good, you know."
"Well, you can talk just about anyone into anything. Including Cyclops," smiled the warrior as she relented. "All right. We'll try it your way but if there's any back talk from these goddesses, it's butt-kickin' time."
"Sounds like a plan," smiled Gabrielle.
The three women gathered to look the map over. Xena committed most of it to memory. She thrust the map at Gabrielle.
"Here, you keep it," said Xena.
"What am I, a pack mule? You've got more room to store this than I do," declared Gabrielle.
"I do not!" exclaimed Xena.
Gabrielle looked at the warrior in exasperation. "Well, there's a great argument," muttered the bard. She snagged the map and began to fold itand fold...and fold...and fold.
"Hurry," said Xena, tapping her foot.
"Listen. I have to fold this up teeny tiny. There's barely enough room to breathe in this outfit, let alone store important parchments," said the bard. "And why do I always wear such small outfits?"
"Cause you look hot in them," offered Colleen.
Xena narrowed her eyes at the co-ed. Gabrielle blushed. Colleen rolled her eyes, and grabbed the map.
"She just called you cute and you lost an argument to her. Do you think I'm intimidated anymore?" queried the co-ed.
"See!" exclaimed Xena to Gabrielle.
"What?" said a mischievous bard.
"I'll put the map in my shorts pocket. I've got plenty of room," bubbled Colleen.
The threesome headed
for the Island Goddesses' hide-out
