Tapert, meanwhile, had been running for days it seemed. In reality, well, fan-fiction reality, it had only been about five minutes. But the executive was thirsty, tired and his belly button was sore. He was trying desperately not to think about Rich, the baby, or the Island Goddesses. He had to get away from it all and so he ran and ran until he simply collapsed on the jungle floor in exhaustion. Then he began crawling.
"Has to be a way out," the red-haired executive whimpered. "Has to be. I'm the power that be. The man with a plan. The dude with the...Hey, dude, where's my car," he giggled hysterically.
Tapert's head bumped into a hard object. He stopped and looked. He had bumped into a shoe. Tapert stared blankly and then looked up
"Hello, mate," said a big, burly man holding a glowing, lavender pen.
"Are you an Island Goddess come to torture me?" whispered Tapert.
"Do I look like a god-ess? Cause I'm not. But I am the most creative television producer known to mankind," replied Burnett.
"Nuh-uh. I am," chuckled Tapert deliriously.
Burnett frowned. He opened his mouth to argue, and then changed his mind. Now wasn't the time. And what do I care about what this no-talent American heathen producer thinks anyway? he thought.
The Survivor mastermind looked at his glowing lavender pen. The eerie light seemed to be less bright than when he had left Gabrielle. There wasn't much time and he needed to get Tapert on his way.
"Would you like to meet the Island Goddesses?" asked the Aussie, deciding to cut to the chase.
"I'd like to kick their asses!" yelled Tapert, climbing up off the ground. "But I don't know where they are or even who they are," he sniffled.
"I know where they are and I can help you," said Burnett.
"You'd help me?" whispered Tapert hopefully, clutching onto Burnett's shirt. "No one has wanted to help me since I got on this islandwell, maybe Gabrielle, but she doesn't count 'cause she's just the sidekick."
"Of course I'll help you, mate. We producers gotta stick together, right?" said Burnett, extricating his shirt from Tapert's sweaty grip.
"Yeah," the red-haired executve, wiping his tears away and smiling. "Yeah, we gotta stick together."
"Here's a map that will take you to the goddesses," Burnett pointed to a spot on the map. He then turned and pointed to some hills in the distance. "That's where they are. Can you find it from here?"
"That looks like two large breasts," exclaimed Tapert noticing the rolling hills for the first time. He snorted. "They would be holed up there."
Burnett brought Tapert back to the situation at hand. "Xena and Gabrielle are headed to the Island Goddesses hide-out. They have a pen just like this. When it's on, the goddesses can't see or hear you," explained Burnett.
A huge grin spread across Tapert's face as he took the offered pen. "Get out!" he exclaimed in disbelief.
"No, really, mate. It works. All you need to do is carry the pen, follow the map and meet up with Xena and Gabrielle. Easy as American baseball and apple pie." Burnett held the map out for Tapert.
The red-haired executive's eyes glazed over. "I'm saved! This pen will protect me from their song and dance madness!"
Tapert turned away from the offered map and began walking in the opposite direction of the breast hills.
Burnett frowned.
"The Island Goddesses are in that direction," he called after the retreating Tapert.
"Yeah, I know," giggled the red-haired executive. "I'm going to go find a nice, quiet place on the island and just sit with this pen. They'll never find me now. No more torture for me!"
Burnett was stunned by Tapert's cowardice. "You don't want to hide from them! You want to rule them, mate!"
"No, trust me. I want to hide," said Tapert as he continued walking.
Burnett's steely producer mind scrambled. If Tapert didn't show up at the Island Goddesses hide-out, he knew Gabrielle would come looking for him. Burnett had to try a different approach with the red-haired executive.
"Time for a little tough producer love," muttered Burnett.
"So, you're gonna let the Island Goddesses win?" called out the Survivor producer. "Everyone will think the goddesses were right about everything, you know. That Season Five really was a pile of stinking poo. That you're a terrible producer with no creativity..."
"Yeah. That's about right," said Tapert serenely, stopping to stare at the glowing object in his hand. "Preeeeecccciiioussss," he gurgled, his eyes madly reflecting its lavender glow.
"and that Xena and Gabrielle are much, much more than friends...they're hot, rolling around like weasels lovers."
Tapert stopped. His eyes lost their glaze and came into focus. He turned and snarled.
"That's going too far...mate!"
Yeah, baby. That's my Tapert. Come on, now, thought Burnett. "So the Island Goddesses really are the Power that Be?" he said out loud. "They're the ones ruling the show?"
Tapert began to growl. "I'm the power that be! Me! I don't need no stinkin' Island Goddesses!"
"Then prove it," taunted Burnett. "Defeat the Island Goddesses."
Tapert's shoulders sagged. "I can't. They're too powerful."
Burnett's mind spun for a solution. Well, I'll just lie...er...edit this outcome to my liking just like I do on Survivor, he thought. What's Tapert going to do, sue me?
"Oh, but you can. This pen doesn't just hide you from the goddesses, it's also a weapon. It renders the Island Goddesses helpless and without any power. All you have to do is stand close to them and zap- they're gone."
"I don't want to stand close to them," shuddered Tapert.
"Do you want to be the Power that Be again?" questioned Burnett.
"Yessssssss," said Tapert, looking at the pen with awe and hope.
"Well, you've got everything you need to do it with right there, mate. Now, take the map. Go find those Island Goddesses."
Tapert reached out with a shaky hand and plucked the map from Burnett. He began to read it over, looking up at the breast hills and back down. He looked unsure and afraid.
"You can do it, Tapert," urged Burnett. "Do it for all the producers all over the world who have ever been picked on by the fans."
"Yeah" said Tapert, his shoulders losing their sag.
"You're Rob Tapert, executive producer of Xena: Warrior Princess. You've got money, power and a really hot wife"
"Yes! Yes! Yes! I'm the Power that Beeeeeee!" screamed Tapert.
Burnett smiled. He climbed back onto his hovercraft.
"Good luck, mate," he said as he whizzed off into the jungle.
"Awww, jheeesh," complained Tapert, looking after the retreating Survivor producer. "Couldn't he have left me that little flying thingie? It'd make things easier. Man, I sure could use one of those around the set."
The red-haired executive sighed, looking at the round, luscious hills in the distance.
"Alllll right, then. Time to kick some Island Goddess booo-tay." And he set off for the hills.
Colleen, Gabrielle and Xena were fighting their way through the jungle when the Survivor brunette pulled out the map to check there whereabouts. She stopped, looked up and began to giggle.
The co-ed burst into song "The breasts are aliiiiiive with some deeeeep, deeeep cleeeeaavage,"
Gabrielle and Xena were now used to Colleen's odd musical outbursts and paid her no heed. They did look up and noticed two large, rolling, luscious green hills in the distance. Gabrielle walked over to check the map.
"That's the place, Xena. That's where the map says the Island Goddesses are. They do kind of look like...well, you know"
"Figures," snickered Xena.
The threesome continued their trek toward the hills when Colleen stopped again. She turned to her friends.
"Listen, these Island Goddesses are really, really smart," began the cuddly co-ed.
"Yeah, yeah, and beautiful and 'rrrrooowwwr'" said Gabrielle. "We know."
"I'm serious," smiled Colleen sadly. "Maybe they're not watching you right now, but when they try to and they can't find you, trust me, those phat chicks will know something's up."
Xena and Gabrielle exchanged worried glances.
"But I can throw them off your trail," said the co-ed excitedly.
"No. We won't have you endangering yourself," said Xena.
"I won't endanger myself. I swear. Besides, the Island Goddesses don't want to hurt anyone. I'm just going to distract them and keep them busy while you find them."
"How are you going to distract them?" said an unconvinced Gabrielle.
"By being cute," replied Colleen. "It works with them. Really."
"Gabrielle, she's right," said Xena quietly.
"Yeah, cute women seem to be the Island Goddesses' Achilles heel," mused Gabrielle.
"OK, then. It's a plan. I'm gonna head back to camp, throw them off the track and you two can find them and kick some bu..." the co-ed glanced at Gabrielle. "Um, talk. You can talk to them," she finished hastily.
The bard smiled.
"Well, guess I better get going," the young woman said.
"Colleen, wait," began Gabrielle.
The Survivor held her head high and kept walking away from the bard.
"Colleen," said Gabrielle again, hurt by the co-ed's seeming indifference.
The sweet brunette stopped and whirled around. "I'm gonna miss youse guys," she cried, running up to the Warrior Princess and throwing her arms around the tall woman.
"Hey," said Xena, blushing when the co-ed finally let go.
"Play nice," warned Colleen to Xena.
The Survivor then turned to Gabrielle.
"That's an awfully emotional good-bye to people you don't think are real," said Gabrielle, a bittersweet smile on her face.
"Oh, you are real. As real as anything. And so is your love," Colleen said.
Tears sprang to Gabrielle's eyes. "Thank you," she whispered.
The co-ed and the bard hugged fiercely.
"Go on, you two. I have a feeling there's not much time," said Colleen, tears in her eyes. She turned and fled back toward camp. When the co-ed thought she was far enough away from the pen's protective covering, she began to yell.
"Island Goddesses! Island Goddesses! Xena and Gabrielle are trying to escape!"
Xena snarled, unhitching her chakram. "She's ratting us out. I'm gonna have to knock her out."
Gabrielle took hold of the warrior's hand. "Wait," she said quietly.
Colleen continued to yell into the skies as she ran.
"They're heading to the south side of the island. They said they have a boat and they're going to sail away! They tied me up but I got away."
Xena breathed a sigh of relief and put her chakram away. The south side of the island was in the opposite direction of where they were headed.
"Clever," murmured Gabrielle.
"She's a good kid," said Xena.
Colleen threw a brief, small smile over her shoulder at Xena and Gabrielle before she disappeared from their view deeper into the jungle.
"Yeah, and cute," smiled the bard.
Xena scowled.
"Juuuuust kidding," said the bard.
"Yeah, well, she hugged me first," said Xena as the dynamic duo as they continued toward the breast hills.
Sprinting away from Xena and Gabrielle, Colleen hoped the ruse would work. If the Island Goddesses were listening, they would focus their powers on the south side of the island in an attempt to stop the dynamic duo. This would give Xena and Gabrielle enough time to find the goddesses' hide-out.
The comely co-ed was nervous. She understood that the Island Goddesses' wanted to make things right for Xena and Gabrielle. But for Colleen, it was no longer a fan fiction. It was real and she wanted her friends to be able to go home.
Besides, they think I'm cute. They'll forgive me, thought Colleen as she headed toward the south side of the island. I hope.
It suddenly occurred to Colleen that the Island Goddesses were likely to get to the south side of the island long before she could. They might even figure out what was going onbeing goddesses and all. She needed a distraction.
The Survivor shortly came upon a small, gently cascading waterfall. Purrrrrfect, she thought, grinning.
"Ooooh, I need a bath," Colleen said loudly. "A nice, naked, soothing bath."
The co-ed stripped down to her boxers and stepped beneath the waterfall, letting the water wash over her. She whipped her head back and forth, flinging water as adorably and sexily as she could. That ought to distract them for a bit, she thought. "Oh, the things I do for love," she sighed and giggled, which only made her appear even sexier.
Meanwhile, Xena and Gabrielle quickly reached the bottom of the breast hills. They stopped to check the map. Ahead of them was a large formation of rocks. Xena glanced down at the map Gabrielle was holding and then walked toward the rocks. There were no doors and no hidden passageway that the warrior could see.
"It's just the side of the hill," said Xena irritably. "But this is where the map points to."
Gabrielle stood about 30 yards away from Xena looking the map over again to see if they had gone the wrong direction at some point.
Xena sighed and leaned back against the rock. The warrior promptly fell backwards. Gabrielle turned to ask a question, only to see the warrior's eyes widen in shock as she disappeared into the rock.
"Xena!" screamed Gabrielle as she ran and dove after the warrior.
Gabrielle found herself falling and then she landed with a loud "Ooof!" For the distance she fell, the bard's landing was surprisingly soft. But her only thought was the Warrior Princess.
"Xena?" she whispered frantically.
"Yesssss," said the warrior from beneath the bard.
Gabrielle's eyes adjusted to the dark. She glanced down to see that Xena was the reason her landing had been so soft.
"Hey there, gorgeous," the bard said, looking into blue eyes and relieved to see the her partner.
"Are you OK?" asked Gabrielle, suddenly realizing that she had landed on top of Xena fairly hard. "Did I hurt you?"
"No, no. Lovin' every minute of it," smiled Xena.
Gabrielle climbed up of her soulmate, extending a hand and helping the warrior up off the ground. The dynamic duo finally took a good look around them.
"Holy Fan Fic
Cave," murmured Xena, not quite believing her eyes.
