They were in what appeared to be a large, lavender-tinted cave. Nearly every inch of the cave walls and ceiling was plastered with thousands of pictures.
"All these paintings and drawings are of us, Xena," said a surprised Gabrielle.
"That's not quite true," the warrior said testily as she scanned their surroundings. "Almost all of the the drawings are of you. There are a few of you and me together, or Aphrodite," she pointed. "There are even some of Callisto. But there are no paintings of just, well, of just me," Xena said. "I knew it. Those Island Goddesses don't like me," the warrior almost, but not quite, broke into a pout.
"Xena, the Island Goddesses do too like you," Gabrielle assured her lover. "Look at that giant painting over there. It's nearly as big as you are and in the same shape as you," the bard exclaimed. She walked over to the life-size Xena flicking her eyes back and forth between the real thing and the picture.
"Could I bring her with us?" she grinned mischievously.
Xena smiled, blushing slightly. Another painting distracted the warrior. Gabrielle frowned.
"Xena, how did these pictures come to be? I don't remember sitting for them," said Gabrielle.
"Maybe an artist read your scrolls and was inspired," smiled Xena, looking at a beautiful picture of the bard on top a white steed.
The two continued to explore the cave, checking for any kind of clue as to where the Island Goddesses might be.
"What's this?" whispered the Warrior Princess, stopping in her tracks.
Gabrielle looked to see what had the warrior's stunned attention and gaped at the sight before her.
On a small, rocky ledge protruding from the cave were dozens of small, blonde and brunette figures. Some figures were about the size of Gabrielle's hand. Others were nearly twice that size.
"They're dolls...but they look just like us!" whispered Gabrielle. This is almost as creepy as Meg's Tavern."
Xena began an immediate and thorough study of the figures. "They're much more accurate than that stick figure you made of me," she murmured.
"Hey, I had to make that one out of stuff just laying around," said Gabrielle indignantly.
"Well, I did like where you stored it," grinned Xena. "Wait a minute, Gabrielle, these dolls have weapons," noted a surprised Warrior Princess.
She picked up a tiny knife and stabbed her hand with it. The sword bent like the goo from a rubber tree, causing not even the slightest damage. Xena snorted. She then spied a tiny chakram. The dark warrior picked it up and flung it using her index finger and thumb, a happy grin on her face. The chakram bounced off a rock before it disappeared onto the dark floor of the cave.
"They don't work," frowned Xena and she moved onto one of the tall Gabrielle dolls.
The real Gabrielle, meanwhile, spied two other dolls. All of the other figures were posed holding their weapons, or standing on small pedestals. But she couldn't figure these two out. Their positions were so odd. The bard decided to take a closer look and suddenly clamped a hand over her mouth as a blush rushed up her cheeks.
Xena walked over, peering over the bard's shoulder. She smiled and raised a wicked eyebrow. "Well, at least someone's having fun."
Gabrielle scrunched her nose adorably, giving the warrior a playful shove with her shoulder.
"All these things must belong to the Island Goddesses," said Xena. "You know, I've heard of shamanesses who control people through the use of small dolls like this. Maybe it's how they've been controlling things around here."
"If that were true, well..." Gabrielle nodded toward the XXX Xena and Gabrielle dolls. "And I don't see a doll in the likeness of Tapert."
"You've got a point," said the Warrior Princess.
"This is more like a shrine of some sort. It's almost as if they revere us, even worship us," mused Gabrielle. The blonde looked over to see Xena lifting up a long-haired Gabrielle figure's skirt and peering underneath.
Gabrielle cleared her throat.
"These dolls don't have all their parts," stated Xena matter-of-factly.
"Uh-huh. Um, Xena. The Island Goddesses," said Gabrielle, getting the rarely distracted Warrior Princess back on-track.
"Oh, yeah. Butt-kicking time."
"Sensitive chat time," reminded Gabrielle.
Xena scowled. "Well, whatever we do, we have to find them first."
"They have to be around here somewhere. Maybe there's another secret entrance...if the map's correct and Burnett wasn't lying to us," said Gabrielle.
Xena and Gabrielle continued their sweep of the cave. They came to a stop in front of a large, ornate altar. It was carved out of rock with a tall pillar on either side. On the pillars were intricate carvings of swords, chakrams and sais. To the right of the altar stood two life-sized statues of women warriors. At the top of the temple and carved in stone were the words Xena and Gabrielle 4Ever.
At the middle of the altar they found a door with large chains hanging from it. The dynamic duo heaved on the chains with no luck. The door refused to budge. Xena took her sword and chakram and tried to hack through the chain, but it was too strong even for her mighty chakram. The Greek hotties tugged, prodded, poked and finally threw both of their considerable body strength into trying to open the door. It moved not even a millimeter.
"This has to be the entrance, but how does it open?" said a frustrated Xena.
The hairs on the back of Gabrielle's neck began to tingle.
"I can show you how to open that if you want,"
Gabrielle whirled around. "Aphrodite!!" exclaimed a shocked bard.
"Yup, it's me, Sweet Pea. Come to save the day...yet again." Aphrodite glanced over to Xena. "Hey there tall, dark and stuck in a fan fiction."
"What do you know about all this fan fiction stuff?" said a cranky Warrior Princess.
"It's all about love," smiled the Goddess of Love.
"You knew about this all along, Aphrodite?!" exclaimed Gabrielle
"I should've known you had something to do with this," growled the warrior.
"Well, I've had very little to do with this, actually. But just wait until the sequel!" Aphrodite squealed with anticipation. "Anyway, I've come to help."
"Earlier when you 'popped' in, you didn't seem interested in helping us," challenged Gabrielle. "Why the sudden change?"
"The Island Goddesses have written us all so well and within character, that's why. It's in my character to help you two out, natch."
"So stop yakkin' and start helpin'," said Xena.
Aphrodite sighed and rolled her eyes. She walked over to the two warrior statues. Twirling one hand in the air, the Goddess of Love changed her look from pink and frothy to dark green and Army fatigue-y. Her hair was pulled back from her face in a tight pony-tail. She turned, spread her legs apart and clasped her hands behind her back, addressing the warrior and the bard.
Xena and Gabrielle raised their eyebrows at this sexy, new, Goddess of Love look.
"Getting into the Island Goddess fan fiction inner sanctum is a two-person job," began Aphrodite tersely. "Each of you must grab the breast of one of these statues. Then you have to hold hands. THEN you have to recite a chant."
"You have got to be joking," said Xena.
"Does this outfit look like I'm joking, sister?" said Aphrodite, keeping to a brusque and terse demeanor. Then she grinned. "And, honestly, do you think the Island Goddesses would make it easy to get into their inner sanctum? Why, Mezzo and godconnie blush head to toe every time they have to grab those statues' breasts," said Aphrodite.
"godconnie and Mezzo?" asked Gabrielle.
"The names of the Island Goddesses are godconnie and Mezzo," said the Goddess of Love. "You didn't know that?!"
"Well...no, we didn't," said Gabrielle sheepishly.
"Slipping a little, there, Warrior Princess," said Aphrodite to Xena.
"I'm gonna be slipping my boot into their butts when I find them," muttered Xena.
"I know the goddesses' actions may seem a bit extreme...but it's all for love," said Aphrodite, turning serious. "Anyway, come on. I'll show you how to get in," continued the Goddess of Love, who once again waved her hand in the air, returning to her usual pink, clingy, flowing gown.
Gabrielle and Xena reluctantly stepped up to the statues and placed a hand on each statue's breast and then clapsed each other's hands.
"This is just not right," muttered Gabrielle, blushing yet again. "I don't even know these women!"
"Now, repeat after me" said Aphrodite. "One, two three, four, five six, seven, eight."
Xena and Gabrielle sighed and repeated the chant.
"Schlemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated," continued Aphrodite.
"What language is that?" exclaimed Gabrielle.
"I dunno, some ancient, sacred text, I think. The Island Goddesses always do this before they pass through. Now say it. Oh, and you have to do this little sacred dance and hop with it." Aphrodite demonstrated, bending her knees and hopping on the appropriate syllable.
"OK, maybe we should kick their asses," Gabrielle said through gritted teeth as she and Xena repeated the sacred text and did the sacred dance and hop.
The door remained stubbornly, obstinately closed.
"It's not working," exclaimed Xena.
"That's because you haven't sang the sacred goddess song yet," said Aphrodite.
"I'm sure you'll teach it to us," said Gabrielle dryly.
"No more singing!" howled Xena.
"We're going to have to change her title from Warrior Princess to Warrior Whiner," Aphrodite whispered to Gabrielle.
"I heard that," said Xena.
The goddess began teaching the dynamic duo the song.
"Do you think you've got it?" queried Aphrodite a few cacophonous moments later.
"Shouldn't the Goddess of Love's singing voice be, well, lovely?" said Xena to Gabrielle.
The Warrior Princess caught a glare and a flash of angry dimple from Aphrodite.
"I'm gonna ignore the diss, Warrior Sis. Now, did you get the song?" asked Aphrodite.
Xena and Gabrielle nodded.
"Well, go on. Sing it so you can get in there and go home," said the Goddess of Love.
"Can't you just send us home," asked an exasperated Xena.
"No."
"Why not?"
"Too easy...not enough action...because," said the Goddess of Love evasively.
Gabrielle gave Aphrodite her best steely stare-down. Aphrodite crumpled.
"Aiiiight, Boo. For some reason, I have limited power around Mezzo and godconnie. I mean, I can move around and zap in and out, but I can't zap anyone else. However, I can zap body parts in and out," the goddess giggled. "Anyway, you're just going to have to get out of here the old fashioned Xena and Gabrielle kick ass and take names later way, 'kay? Now. Sing the song."
Xena and Gabrielle, still holding each other's hands and clasping the statues' breasts began to sing the song as Aphrodite taught them:
"Give us any
chance, we'll take it
Give us any rule, we'll break it.
We're gonna make our dreams come true
And we'll do it our way, yes our way.
Make all our dreams come true
And do it our way, yes our way,
Make all our dreams come true
For all the fans."
As they sang the last words, the slab of rock at the center of the altar began to move up, revealing a cavernous hallway and a light in the distance.
"OK, that's where the goddesses spend most of their time," whispered Aphrodite. "Good luck."
"Thank you for your help, Aphrodite," said the bard. "But we really need to talk sometime about your part in all this."
"Jheesh, you can never just be grateful, can you? My part in all this, Sweet Pea, is love . It's all about love." Aphrodite smiled. "See ya soon." She gave a dramatic flourish with her hand and disappeared in a hail of pink and purple hearts.
Xena shook her head. "Gods...and goddesses," she muttered.
The dynamic duo stepped through the door that then began to lower behind them.
"Xena, we need to be sure Tapert can get through," exclaimed Gabrielle.
"Xena, we need to be sure Tapert can get through," exclaimed Gabrielle.
"What for?!" exclaimed the Warrior Princess.
"If we get a chance at going home, I want to be sure he gets home as well," explained Gabrielle patiently.
Xena sighed, pulled her sword from her scabbard and ran over to the chains. With a mighty warrior heave, she shoved the sword into the chains, preventing the door from lowering any further. She headed back over to Gabrielle.
Tapert had stumbled to the base of the breast hills. But the trail indicated on the map dead-ended into the side of a hill. He began to walk up to it when he tripped over a small rock and fell head first through the secret entrance.
Rich and DemonRichSpawn watched from the jungle. Rich smiled at his fiendish offspring. "Shhhhooowwwtime." The consultant and the baby demon headed for the side of the hill after Tapert.
Back at the Island Goddesses' inner Sanctum Xena and Gabrielle walked through a long hall of rock and stalactites that led to a small opening. The dynamic duo climbed through separately.
"Wow, kind of a small entrance. Someone could get stuck in there," whispered Xena.
The bard and the warrior now found themselves in a larger cave. The walls were adorned with flaming torches. The light from the torches bounced off thousands of bright, sparkling crystal formations in the room.
Gabrielle looked around. Crumpled paper lay everywhere. She picked one up and noticed there were words on the paper.
"Xena, the words don't look like Greek, but I can understand them," murmured Gabrielle.
"Must be some kinda magical translatin' parchment thingie," replied Xena, checking out the smaller cave.
The wads of paper were in piles and seemed to form a trail toward an especially large group of nearly room-sized crystals.
Gabrielle read one of the papers. She cocked her head and then began quickly picking up and reading the other pieces of crumpled paper.
"Xena, there are words describing some of the things that's happened to us since we arrived on the islandbut it's just a little different. Like these were the words they decided not to use," whispered the bard excitedly.
The dynamic duo found themselves closer to the large formation of crystals and they could hear quiet, tapping noises. The bard and the Warrior Princess exchanged glances.
Gabrielle grinned. "In order to have fiction, someone has to write words. I wonder..."
The blonde bard stepped around the large group of crystal rocks and saw two gorgeous and voluptuous women sitting with what appeared to be machines in their laps. Their fingers were dancing along the top of the machines making quick, tapping noises. Falling from the machines into small, wicker baskets were dozens and dozens of papers. Every now and again, one or the other of the women would sigh and mutter, grab a paper as it fell, crumple it into a wad and throw it away from the baskets onto the floor.
The two beautiful women paused for a moment, as if sensing something. They looked up, spying Gabrielle, and gasped in gorgeous unison.
"They're not on the south side of the island," exclaimed a woman with dimples and brown eyes.
"Uhhh, pay no attention to those women," yelled the other woman in a deep voice. "I am the mighty and powerful Oz!" The women began typing again and suddenly, inexplicably, disappeared from sight.
But Gabrielle was onto the goddesses and she wasn't about to let go.
"godconnie! Mezzo! Show yourselves!" roared the mighty blonde.
There was no answer from the goddesses, but Gabrielle and Xena could still hear the strange, quick, tapping noises.
"Xena," whispered Gabrielle. "I'm going to try and draw them out. Be ready. We've got to move fast."
"I mean it!" the bard yelled. "Show yourselves! Right now or....or....." she struggled for something to grab their attention. It was obvious that the love she and Xena shared was important to the goddesses.
Gabrielle smiled. "Show yourselves or I'll go have sex with Joxer!"
Xena blanched in horror. "That's a bit drastic, don't you think?"
"Noooooooooo" screamed the two shocked yet stunning brunettes as they appeared before Xena and Gabrielle in a flash of rainbow colored streamers and confetti.
"Anything. Anything but that," pleaded Mezzo.
godconnie suddenly
realized that in the horror of hearing Gabrielle's threat of a
gross sexual act, the Island Goddesses had left their computers
behind.
