"Mezzo, it's a trick to get us away from our computers!" exclaimed godconnie. "We've got to get back and write our way out of this!"
Xena whipped her chakram out. "Can you write faster than I can fling this round killing thing?"
Mezzo and godconnie looked at each other, remembering the chakram toss from Motherhood.
"You get us off of this godsforsaken island now and I might let you live," threatened Xena.
"Xena," began Gabrielle, hoping to avoid a physical confrontation with the goddesses.
"Can we have a moment?" asked the goddess of all things Connie.
Mezzo and godconnie stepped away from Xena and Gabrielle. Xena brandished her chakram as a reminder in case they tried to get back to their machines. The two conferred in hushed tones, glancing back to Xena and Gabrielle every now and again. The goddesses nodded to each other and turned to the Bard and the Warrior Princess.
godconnie spoke first. "I'm sorry, we can't let you leave until everything's been put right."
"The Xena and Gabrielle relationship is more important than our own lives," added Mezzo.
"If we have but one life to give for our beloved show..." said godconnie.
"Then so be it," murmured Mezzo as both women sadly bowed their beautiful heads, awaiting their fate.
Gabrielle looked at Xena and whispered, "Sensitive chat time."
Xena tightened her lips into a thin line, but she put her chakram away.
The bard stepped forward, touching Mezzo lightly on the arm. godconnie barely caught her as Mezzo's legs buckled and threatened to collapse beneath her.
"All right. It's obvious this is of incredible importance to you," sighed Gabrielle.
"Not just to us. We're fighting for the greater good of hundreds of thousands of fans all over the world," said godconnie passionately.
"What do you want?" continued the bard, who appreciated the goddessess' struggle for the greater good. "Maybe we can work this out so youand the fansget what you all want, and we get to go home."
godconnie and Mezzo looked at each other.
"Well," said godconnie. "You two are soulmates. And you should be acting like soulmates."
"People believe in you and your love with all their hearts. That's been taken away and we want it back," added Mezzo.
Gabrielle nodded.
"And what about Tapert?" inquired the bard.
"Well, many moons ago, Tapert wrote and produced stories on television of your love. They were beautiful stories of love, right and wrong and redemption...with some inconsistencies," sighed Mezzo.
"And then suddenly this last year he wrote and produced stories that ruined your love and were morally bankrupt," continued godconnie. "We're showing him the error of his ways."
"In the most painful way possible," added Mezzo.
"I understand," said Gabrielle. She turned to Mezzo and then godconnie, looking each directly in the eyes. The Island Goddesses sighed, mesmerized.
"Xena and I had a long talk about what's happened to us lately. You have our promise, godconnie and Mezzo, it won't happen again."
"What she said," noted the Warrior Princess, hoping she was going to get to kick some Island Goddess ass sometime soon.
Mezzo and godconnie looked at each other and then at their favorite, most cherished duo.
"Well?" said Xena.
"We heard that conversation. But we need something, some act, to convince us of your sincerity," said godconnie warily.
"Yessss?" asked the Warrior Princess.
"A hot and heavy, open-mouthed kiss between the two of you would be sufficient," said Mezzo in a rush, wondering if she and godconnie would be able to get behind a rock before Xena started hurling the chakram.
"Is that all?!" exploded Xena. "We've been trying to do that for days! Everytime we got close it was like someone was keeping us apart!"
"That's so easy!" exclaimed Gabrielle.
Xena threw her chakram on the floor and reached for the hooks on her armor.
"A kiss!" squealed a blushing godconnie. "Not sex. What do you think we're writing here, an episode of Queer as Folk?!"
Xena halted her armor stripping, but kept her eyes firmly, lustily, passionately on the bard.
Mezzo threw her hands in the air. "Now look what you did. Thanks a lot, gc."
Xena and Gabrielle ignored the goddesses' bickering as they approached each other, blue eyes blazing into fiery green.
"How should we do this, Xena?" said a breathless Gabrielle, happy to have an intimate moment with her warrior. "Hard and fast, slow and passionate, sweet and tasty, long a....?"
"Hush yo mouf and kiss me," growled the Warrior Princess.
gc and Mezzo's bickering came to a screeching halt to watch the long-awaited vision before them.
Gabrielle launched herself into Xena's arms. Jet black hair rained down over Gabrielle as Xena dug her fingers into beautifully thick, short, blonde hair. The bard's large, strong hands rubbed the Warrior's neck moving up to frame her face as the two shared the hottest, heaviest, most open-mouthed kiss in the history of the entire universe.
Mezzo and godconnie burst into tears and applause.
"Absolutely fabulous, darlings," sniffled Mezzo.
"I guess we'll have to vote them off the island," sobbed godconnie.
"Island?" murmured Xena dreamily, enjoying her closeness to the bard. "Oh. Island. Yeah."
Gabrielle noted Mezzo and godconnie looking at each other questioningly.
"What? What now?" said a dazed and perplexed bard. "We gave you the hot and heavy open-mouthed kiss. We want to go home now."
"Well, there was another part of our request," said Mezzo.
"There was?" asked godconnie, Gabrielle and Xena together. Mezzo raised an eyebrow at her partner in crime.
"Oh. Yeah! There was," stammered godconnie.
"We were kind of hoping," Mezzo said shyly "That we could get a kiss, too."
"It doesn't have to be too long or anything" said godconnie. Mezzo elbowed godconnie sharply in the side. "Ooof!"
"Sure, I can do that," smiled Xena.
"Ummm, not that I'd kick you out of bed for eating crackers or anything," said Mezzo to Xena. "Well, actually, I would...but we really want a kiss from Gabrielle."
Gabrielle crinkled her nose and raised her eyebrows at Xena.
"Anything for the cause," said the bard.
"I told you they didn't like me," muttered the warrior.
Gabrielle stepped up to godconnie, placing a brief yet exquisite kiss on her cheek.
The bard then stepped toward Mezzo as godconnie hit the floor in a swoon.
Gabrielle stood on her tiptoes to kiss Mezzo on her cheek. Mezzo began to wrap her arms around the bard when she heard a growl.
"Does the term 'redshirt' mean anything to you?" said the Warrior Princess with her trigger-happy finger on her chakram.
"Zoinks!" cried godconnie who clambered up off the floor. "Let's make like a bakery truck and haul buns outta here!"
"Ruh-roh!" agreed a delirious Mezzo.
The two headed for their machines and began tapping furiously.
"Nothing's happening," said an irritated Xena.
"We're getting to it, we promise," said godconnie. "Mezzo, our timing has to be..."
"Juuussttt right," finished Mezzo.
Suddenly Tapert ran into the cave brandishing the glowing lavender pen above his head.
"Why does everyone keep coming into our inner sanctum from that way?" murmured godconnie to Mezzo, barely looking up from her laptop. "Why didn't they use the shortcut? That way they wouldn't have to sing and hop and," godconnie blushed. "stuff."
"Aphrodite," growled Xena.
The Goddess of Love, wisely, refused to appear.
"Aha! I've got you now you fan fic VAMPS!!" he screeched, interrupting Mezzo's chance to reply...thank god because she was tired of writing explanations.
He stopped and looked around. He leaned over to Xena. "Are those the Island Goddesses?"
"Yessss," replied Xena.
He ran over to goconnie and Mezzo, waving the pen in front of their faces. "Ha! Now you have no power!!"
Mezzo looked up irritably from her lap-top at Tapert. She licked her index finger and thumb, reached out and snuffed the light from the pen and returned to typing.
Tapert gasped in astonishment. He shook the pen, but the light was gone.
"No, no, no, no," cried the defeated executive. "They really are the power that be," he sobbed.
"What the?!" said Xena.
"Remember, we had to show Tapert the error of his ways," said Mezzo, not looking up from her furiously moving fingers.
"We had to bring him here because we've got to send you all back at the same time or we won't be able to get you back at all," added godconnie.
The cave began shaking and rocks began to tumble.
"Who made up that rule?!" exclaimed Gabrielle.
"The wizard," said godconnie.
"We're breaking up! We're breaking up!" yelled an alarmed Mezzo as more of the cave began to tumble down around them.
Tapert looked about him wildly and spied Xena.
"My hero," he whimpered, throwing himself into the warrior's arms.
"Send me home, please, send me home. I've got a DemonRichSpawn for a child, no wife, no friends, no power! Everyone hates me...please, I just wanna go home!"
Xena pointed to Mezzo and godconnie. "Talk to them, Tapert, they're the powers that be in this universe."
"You can only go home if you promise to take care of the mess you made of the past year of our lives," said Gabrielle to Tapert.
"Actually, 26 years...but let's just call it the fifth season," said godconnie who continued tapping away at her lap-top.
"Season Five only had a few missed opportunities," whined Tapert. "And it was all the subtexters' faults anyway. They didn't make the ratings go up during the fourth season," he sniffled. "Besides, I have to think about the 2-12-year-old children out there watching the show."
An enormous boulder crashed to the floor, narrowly missing a chance to impale Tapert.
Suddenly, Richard and the DemonRichSpawn burst into the room, getting stuck in the cave doorway.
"You're mine, Tapert! You're going to have lots and lots of babies with me!" screamed the fearsome Rich.
The DemonRichSpawn cackled in glee. "Daddy, come home!"
Tapert's eyes bulged in fear. He threw himself down on his knees in front of godconnie and Mezzo. "OK! Anything! Just let me go home...pleeeeaaazze!"
Rich and the DemonRichSpawn struggled to get through the cave door. Suddenly an ominous trickling sound began, followed by more boulders falling caused by the wriggling of the gruesome twosome.
"godconnie, will that do?" yelled Mezzo, as she was pitched back and forth by the earthquake, doing her best "Bridge of the Enterprise" impersonation.
godconnie nodded to Mezzo. "Let's do it." And the two gorgeous goddesses began typing even faster.
To Gabrielle and Xena's eyes, it seemed Tapert simply disappeared in a tiny blip of light.
Tapert felt himself falling and suddenly opened his eyes with a snort and a grunt. He found himself alone and behind a set built to look like a small, Greek house.
He stood up shakily, brushing dirt and grime from his clothes.
"I'm home! Home!" Tapert whimpered. "I think."
The executive looked around. "What if this is just another chamber of horrors those Island Goddesses have cooked up for me?" Tears of frustration began to form in his eyes. "I don't think I can take another minute of those no-talent, harlots," he cried.
Tapert gasped and covered his mouth. Oh dear god! What if they heard me? he worried.
The executive looked to the skies and ducked his head, frightened that something was about to swoop down upon him and eat his brainshis creative and brilliant brainsfor lunch. When nothing happened, Tapert breathed a small sigh of relief.
He gathered his wits about him and finally got up the nerve to peek out from behind the set. Actors and actresses were milling about. Stunt men, under the watchful eye of the stunt director, were warming up for a scene. Everything seemed normal. He decided to test the waters.
Tapert stepped out in front of the set and began walking hesitantly, hands in his pockets, knees wobbling, lips pursed and whistling Whenever I Feel Afraid from The King and I.
The stunt director spotted him and hurried over.
"Mr. Tapert, Mr. Tapert," the man called, catching up with the executive. He began to speak and then stopped, looking at Tapert strangely.
Rob returned the stunt director's look. Maybe he's going to break into song and insult my creative decisions. The executive waited, eyes wide and wild.
"Mr. Tapert," said the stunt director, looking him up and down.
Or maybe he just thinks I'm sexy, mused Tapert.
The stunt coordinator shrugged and continued. "We've got this scene coming up and we want Xena to use a new weapon in the fight sequence. But we're unsure about what weapon she should use."
The executive's mind was spinning faster than a stationary bicycle. He called me 'Mister' and was actually asking for advice...and for a decision. Could it be that I'm home after all?
"I think Xena should use...a machine gun." Tapert said out loud, eyeing the man warily. If he were still on the island, then surely the Island Goddesses would punish him for daring to assume he had any power and for flaunting such a gross historical inconsistency.
The stunt director blanched. "But, Mr. Tapert, guns weren't even invented when..."
The executive became braver and more confident. "A. Machine. Gun." Tapert said again, adding a little executive diva-ness to get his point across.
The stunt director gulped.
"Yessir, Mr. Tapert. Anything you want, sir," and he ran off.
The executive grinned.
The stunt director had been appropriately subservient. Maybe he
was free of those Island Goddesses after all.
Onto Part 30 (the
end, finally)
