"To show him that he's misguided in his perception of us?"
"Could be," agreed Xena. "Then again, what does his perception of us matter in the long run?"
"That's a good question."
"Hey guys!" Colleen chirped as she approached them. "Am I interrupting anything?"
"Actually," Gabrielle said, "You're just the person I'd like to talk to."
"Coolness!" The co-ed plopped herself down on the sand in front of them. "What's up?"
"What do you know about that red-headed fellow?"
"Who? Mr. Tapert?"
"Yes, Tapert."
"Uh..." Colleen looked skyward for a second. "He's a guy..."
"What was that?!" Gabrielle interrupted.
"What was what?"
"You looked up. Like you were waiting for something to happen."
"What?" Colleen laughed uncomfortably. "Naw... I didn't do that."
"No, I saw it too," the warrior chimed in.
"W...w...w..." stuttered the frightened girl. "Why would I look to the sky for something to happen?"
"What's going on here, Colleen?" the bard asked sincerely.
The cutest castaway scrunched up her shoulders and nose in a great moral dilemma. It only took her half a second to decide if she were more afraid of the repercussions she would suffer from the luscious lovelies acting as puppeteers, Mezzo and godconnie, or from Xena, the deadly Warrior Princess.
"Just between the three of us..." Colleen whispered, "...there's a lot of crazy shit happening today." She checked over her shoulder to see if anyone was sneaking up on them. "Mr. T is the executive producer of a television show about... About the two of you."
"A television show?" asked Xena.
"Yes, we're on a television show right now, actually." Colleen nodded at the nearest camera. "Well, kinda..."
"Just like Aphrodite said," the bard pointed out.
"How can there be a show about us?" Xena questioned. "This is the first time we've ever had people following us around with those devices."
"Well, it's more complicated than that." Colleen replied. "Mr. T really does produce a show about your adventures. His wife, Lucy Lawless, portrays Xena, while the delectable Renee O'Connor plays Gabrielle. But this isn't one of his episodes. This is something altogether different."
"What is it?" Gabrielle insisted.
"It's a written story that combines fact and fantasy. It gives fictional characters like the two of you a substantive voice while placing real, live human beings, like us contestants, in fabricated situations; making us say and do things that we would probably never do in reality." Colleen spoke in less than a whisper now. "In fact, I'm not half as knowledgeable about XWP in real life as I am in this story."
"XWP?" asked Gabrielle.
"Xena: Warrior Princess," explained Colleen. "The television show that Mr. T. produces."
"The show that's about us..." Xena was striving to understand Colleen's gibberish.
"Yep!"
"But this is not that show," said the warrior. "This is a story, written by..."
"The goddesses." Colleen quickly replied, afraid that the two fair maidens might appear at any moment.
"The same goddesses that made Tapert disappear earlier today?" asked Xena.
"One and the same."
"Why would they
do such a thing?" the raven-haired beauty demanded.
"I honestly don't know."
"So..." Gabrielle broke in. "You're implying that this isn't reality?"
Colleen giggled. "It's total fiction."
"And we aren't real?" Gabrielle stated.
"Nope."
"Not even when we aren't part of this so-called story?"
"Not even then," Colleen confessed.
"We're just fictional characters from a... television show?"
"Yes."
"That's the most ludicrous thing I've ever heard!" Gabrielle yelled louder than she intended.
"Aw... Colleen's full of b.s., Miss Queen o'the Amazons!" offered Soozin from the mob, which had now gathered around the fire in order to watch the much-venerated frying of the fish. "In one ear and out the other, if ya know what I mean."
"Can you hear this, Soo?" Colleen pointed her middle finger toward the ground. "No? Well, let me turn it up for you!" She flipped the truck driver the bird.
"Yeah, that's original!" Soo dismissed the steaming student with a wave of her hand.
"Gods, she is so annoying!" Colleen said to no one in particular.
"You see..." Gabrielle said triumphantly. "This proves that we're not just characters in a story. I mean, what kind of bard would take the time to focus on a silly spat between two side characters? Especially when the plot was just beginning to thicken?"
Colleen shrugged. "I never said they were good writers. Besides, what makes you think we're the side characters?"
"Oh please!" the bard chortled. "The most boring day of our lives is one hundred times more interesting than anything the lot of you has done in the time we've been here."
The stunned co-ed looked
to the warrior. "Is she always this sassy?"
Xena began to answer but noticed the bard's cocked eyebrow. It's
safer to keep your mouth shut, Xena, she silently instructed
herself.
"There is no way a bard could pull off such a convoluted and confusing story! It's just ridiculous!" The Amazon was on a roll. "This has definitely got to be the work of Ares! Only he would think up something this stupid!"
"I really don't think Ares has..." Colleen was cut off mid-sentence.
"I mean, only an idiot would tell their characters that they were just pawns in a story. That's literally begging for a revolt!"
"Only if the characters were written to revolt, Gabrielle," Xena said innocently.
The bard was boiling now. "So you believe what she's saying, Xena? You believe that we are fictional characters? That we don't have free will?"
"Hey, you were the one that suggested we were being manipulated by an enchanted scroll," the warrior pointed out.
"But this is so much more than that!" The bard made a gesture toward Colleen. "She's saying that we don't exist on any plane of reality!"
"Well, we do tend to find ourselves in the most outrageous situations..."
Xena said matter-of-factly. "How many times have we died and come back now?"
"Xena! Listen to yourself! We are real! Flesh and blood, living, breathing human beings!" The veins on Gabrielle's forehead were threatening to burst. "This is a trick and I'm going to get to the bottom of it!"
"Calm down, Gabrielle," her worried partner warned.
"I'm so sorry," added the concerned co-ed. "I never would have told you this if I'd known it would upset you this much."
"Upset me?!" Gabrielle raged. "You tell me that I'm not real, that all of the pain I've endured over these past few years has been a figment of someone else's imagination, and expect me to accept it without question?"
"I just didn't think..." Colleen's voice trailed off in remorse.
"No, you didn't think!"
"Gabrielle," Xena said firmly. "You're going to cause yourself to have a stroke."
"That would require me to be real, Xena," the bard replied, regaining a bit of composure.
"You are real, love," the warrior assured her. "You're real to me and that's all that matters."
"Xena..." Gabrielle relented.
"It's all right." The stoic brunette pulled the shaken blonde to her.
Gabrielle relaxed as soon as she felt the warrior's heart beating almost as fast as hers. Colleen crawled quickly but quietly away from the two soulmates. "We'll get through this," Xena assured her. "We always do."
"Yeah," the
bard murmured quietly.
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