Joxer had taken an instant liking to Joel. We have much in common, he thought. Both of us are well-built and handsome; blessed with athletic skill and a keen sense of our surroundings. He watched as Joel gulped with unmitigated fear at the sound of a twig breaking. He would make an excellent sidekick, he nodded affirmatively to himself.
Joxer, of course, was delusional.
Joel was filled with conflicting feelings of joy and dread as he and his newfound victim stepped onto the beach that lead to the four-star resort that housed the ex-castaways. He was thankful for the darkness that surrounded them. A few tourists strolled along the coastline and he kept a wary eye out for anyone who might recognize him.
"Why don't you take the lead for awhile, Joxer?" Joel offered. "We're heading for that building up there." He motioned toward the brightly lit hotel.
"This is where we'll find the lovely ladies?" Joxer asked as he marched ahead of his companion.
"Yes."
The bumbling Greek rubbed his hands together. "I can't wait to get a piece of this action!"
"It'll be like nothing you've ever experienced," Joel told him. "I can promise you that." His lips curled into a diabolic grin.
Soozin was the last castaway to succumb to sleep. There had been a brief discussion as to Rich's whereabouts during dinner, but the majority of the castaways came to the quick conclusion that they didn't care where he had disappeared to; especially since Gabrielle seemed capable of feeding them. Soo, of course, figured that Rich was up to no good, but decided that the newest arrivals to Rattana were more of a threat to her winning the Survivor title than a fat, oft-naked, gay guy, so she elected to stay at the camp in order to keep an eye on the wounded warrior and the bad-ass bard.
Jenna had graciously donated her blanket to Xena and Gabrielle so that they could keep warm during the night. Both Colleen and Sean offered to share their cover with Jenna, who jumped at the chance to cuddle with the cute co-ed. Sean was only disappointed for as long as it took him to realize that two hot babes were going to be sleeping together right next to him. Life on the island didn't get much better than that.
Without discussion, both Gabrielle and Xena had chosen to feign sleep until the others were unconscious. In an uncharacteristic move, Xena was the first to break the silence.
"What are you thinking, Gabrielle?" she asked quietly.
The bard turned to look at her partner. "How did you know that I was awake?"
"From the way you were breathing."
"Of course."
Xena rolled onto her side to get a better view of her friend. "So what's going through your head?"
"To be honest," Gabrielle replied, "I've been hoping to find that someone had slipped me some henbane and not only had today been one major hallucination, but so had the past year. Or should I say, past 26 years?"
The warrior smiled. "Now that would be a most welcome revelation."
"You feel that way too?"
"Well," Xena answered, "I wouldn't want to give up having Eve..."
"Of course not," Gabrielle said sincerely.
"But the rest of it..." Xena paused as visions of the deaths of Eli and Joxer and more than half of the Greek Pantheon; of waking from an icy sleep to find that her baby daughter had been taken away from her forever; of splitting Gabrielle's skull open with her own chakram flashed before her eyes. "The rest of it I wish was a work of fiction. Though what kind of sick bastard would produce such trash is beyond me."
"I don't feel like a fictional character, Xena." Gabrielle whispered sadly.
The warrior reached over and began to gently play with the bard's earlobe. "You're as real as anything, Gabrielle. We both are."
"But sometimes it feels like we're different people," the Amazon stated. "I mean, deep down, we are always us, but sometimes..." She searched for the right words. "Sometimes I feel compelled to do things that are totally out of character."
"That's just human nature."
"No, Xena. It's deeper than that." She became even more reflective. "It happens to you too, you know."
"Me?"
"Yes."
"For example?"
"You have always had an antagonistic relationship with Ares," Gabrielle relayed after a moment's pause. "But lately it seems that you've begun to warm up to him."
"Warm up to him?" Xena repeated, unbelieving.
"Yes."
"That's ridiculous," the warrior scoffed.
"How do you think I've felt?" Gabrielle asked, a hint of sadness in her voice.
"Gabrielle..." the warrior smiled warmly. "Ares means nothing to me."
"You said you felt something for him in Amphipolis."
"I was teasing."
"You say that," the bard spoke honestly. "But I know you, Xena. Your attitude towards him has changed."
"He saved your life, Gabrielle. And Eve's."
"Only after causing our deaths." Gabrielle added. "And only because he knew it would put him in your good favor."
"Did you ever stop to think that he may have regrets about those actions?" asked Xena.
"No." Gabrielle replied firmly. "And neither would you prior to this past year."
"People change." The warrior stated. "Gods can too."
"If only you had been as open-minded when Hope was born," the bard stated wistfully.
Xena swallowed hard. "Gabrielle..."
"It's okay, Xena. I just want you to see how contradictory your behavior has been lately." Gabrielle sighed. "I mean, don't you ever feel like you're doing something that you would never, ever do?"
"I live in the moment, not in the past."
"And that's why you've forgiven yourself for the atrocities you committed before we met?" Gabrielle asked sarcastically, knowing full well that Xena still carried every ounce of guilt she'd ever accumulated. "Besides, your feelings toward Ares began to change long before he saved Eve and me."
"Maybe my so-called contradictory behavior was caused by my pregnancy," offered Xena. "Hormones can play havoc with a woman's emotions."
"The miracle pregnancy that you automatically deemed good as opposed to my miracle pregnancy that was automatically deemed evil?" Gabrielle was not so much angry as desperately trying to make her point. "You never even questioned Michael's god. You just accepted everything. Xena, Pawn of the Gods. Has a nice ring to it, don't you think?" Her companion's expression was now unreadable. "That isn't like you, Xena. You have defied the gods your entire life. Since when do you do their dirty work?"
Xena remained still as a stone.
"Why have our lives taken a turn towards utter inconsistency?" the bard asked gently. "Hades, remember the time Joxer was cut by the poisoned sword of Apollo and I had to get him to the mandrake tree for the antidote? We got lost because I couldn't figure out which way was north!"
"You know which way is north, Gabrielle." Xena broke her silence. "You're an excellent tracker."
"That's my point." The bard exclaimed. "You and I have gone from one end of the spectrum to another and back in the blink of an eye. One week, I'm a more than competent fighter. The next week, some average foe has bested me within seconds and has a knife to my throat. Just like one week you're telling me that I'm the best thing in your life and the next week you're having erotic dreams about Ares."
"What?!"
"I'm not the only one that talks in her sleep, Xena."
A wave of remorse overcame the warrior. "Oh, Gabrielle. I'm so sorry."
"It's all right." The bard smiled. "Don't you see? It all makes sense now. Somehow, someone is trying to make us do things that are totally out of character. They are trying to destroy us. The real us."
"The real us?"
"We're too fabulous to be imaginary," concluded Gabrielle.
Xena smiled, relieved to hear her friend say what she knew in her heart to be true. "What's the plan then?"
"First, we're going to stick by each other no matter what." Gabrielle said. "No more lusting after bad boys..."
Xena cut her off. "That part is just for me, right?"
Gabrielle laughed. "Right."
"Thought so," grinned the warrior.
"Second," the bard continued. "Whenever we feel like we're doing something that we'd never do, we'll just think of each other and our life together. We'll remember our past and who we are and what we will and will not do."
"Stay true to ourselves."
"You're always so much more concise than me."
Xena shrugged slightly. "I have many skills."
"Yeah, yeah." Gabrielle smiled.
"What's third?" asked Xena.
"Third, we try to figure out who sent us here and why."
"How do you propose we do that?"
"Well, someone is sure to drop a clue eventually. You know how villains usually are... Sloppy." Gabrielle considered their situation. "Maybe we've already been given a lead..."
"Tapert?"
"No, something that Aphrodite said." The bard recalled. "She told me that I had to concentrate on that which was most important to me."
"And that is?"
Gabrielle chuckled softly. "You, silly."
Xena fell into thought for a moment. "Maybe the authors of this story aren't villains after all."
"No?"
"No," the warrior replied. "Maybe they're trying to help us."
Gabrielle pondered this notion. "I guess... You could be right."
"Maybe we just have to stay true to ourselves from now on."
"Could it be that simple?" asked the bard.
"Well, if it were that simple, we'd have been whisked back to Greece at this point, don't you think?"
"Yes, I suppose... But maybe we have to prove that we're going to stick to our resolve."
"Then prove it we shall," proclaimed the tired warrior.
Gabrielle gently wiped a strand of hair away from Xena's face. "But if I find out that Ares has something to do with this..."
"I know." Xena lay down on her back. "I'll hold him while you take out your aggression."
"Now that sounds like my warrior princess." Gabrielle beamed, resting her weary head on Xena's inviting shoulder.
For the first time in a long time, Joel rested comfortably in a real bed. His return to the resort went much easier than anticipated. Joxer proved to be the perfect diversion as he marched into the lounge area and broke into his Joxer the Mighty theme song (Meg's brothel version). So fixated on the warbling Greek were the stunned vacationers, Joel was able to sneak back to his room without another soul seeing him.
Joxer, on the other hand, hadn't fared so well.
"That oughtta hold him for awhile," said Gretchen as she stood back and admired her handiwork.
Joxer was buried in the sand; his head the only thing visible above the surface of the beach. Stacey and Ramona had graciously donated their cosmetic cases to Gretchen's cause as Sonja ran a 500-foot extension cord from the now empty cabana bar to their patch of punishment. It had taken barely 15 minutes for Gretchen to turn the warrior wannabe into a reasonable facsimile of Miss Tammy Faye Bakker after a three-day bender. His endless weeping only added to the effect.
"Stop crying, baby!" Stacey yelled at him. "Your mascara is running!"
"A girl can never wear too much blue eye shadow, you know." Sonja taunted.
"He makes Dame Edna and the Widow Twanky look like runway models for Isaac Mizrahi," quipped Ramona.
"Who?" The clueless Sonja and Stacey asked in unison.
"Karl Lagerfeld?" the chemist offered. Neither woman blinked. "Versace?" Still no hint of recognition in their eyes. "Jaclyn Smith?"
"Oh yeah!" laughed Stacey. "Kmart!"
"His eyelids are like two tiny blue light specials!" snorted Sonja.
"Bwahahaha!" Stacey rolled on the ground in hysterics.
Ramona, concerned for Stacey and Sonja's mental well-being, searched for some sign of sanity. She found it in Gretchen's arched eyebrow.
"Let's finish this and get out of here," said their fearless leader who was silently chastising herself for using the last of her duct tape to cover Joxer's mouth. We might all be better off if I shut the two of them up, she admitted to herself. To go one day without Stacey's incessant whining and Sonja's insipid versions of Kumbaya and Red River Valley would be like tasting the nectar of the gods...
Not one to dwell on what could have been, Gretchen set to work on painting a bright red frown where Joxer's mouth should be.
"We're going to leave you with some entertainment," she spoke directly to her captive as Ramona placed a pair of headphones over Joxer's ears. "In a couple hours, the tide will come in and you will be electrocuted. If you're lucky, someone will find you before then," Gretchen stated matter-of-factly. She put a cap on the borrowed tube of lipstick that she was holding and stood. "Ramona? Would you?" she nodded toward the nearby boombox.
"It would be my pleasure," the chemist replied as she pushed the play and repeat buttons on the CD player. The volume was so high that strains of Phranc's version of "I Enjoy Being a Girl" emanated from the tiny speakers affixed to Joxer's head for all to hear.
"Do you really think he'll fry?" asked a suddenly concerned Sonja.
"Nah," Gretchen replied as they turned their backs on the petrified man in make-up. "The tide won't reach this far..."
"But..." Stacey began to complain.
"But he doesn't know that," Gretchen's lips twisted into a smirk that would make Callisto proud. "And anticipation is its own reward..."
"Huh?" Stacey said quietly.
Sonja shrugged and
made a mental note to not piss Gretchen off as the four women
headed back to the resort.
