Rich found himself reclining next to a large, triangle-shaped swimming pool. He let out a sigh of relief and smiled, closing his eyes and basking in the warmth of the midday sun. His quiet reverie was broken by the feel of two strong, oil-covered hands gently massaging his left foot. Rich opened his eyes and blinked a few times, hoping the vision before him wasn't a mirage.
"G'day, mate," stated actor Russell Crowe. A light sheen of sweat graced his tan forehead. He was clad in full Gladiator gear. "I reckon your feet are fair tired following the walkabout you've been on." He rubbed a particularly sensitive part of Rich's foot.
"Oh God, yes!" The corporate trainer blurted. Russell's eyes twinkled with mischievous delight as he carried on with his ministrations.
"Would you like a drink, Richard?" asked an approaching Jon Bon Jovi. He was dressed in a pair of black lycra shorts and a mesh tank top.
"What?" Rich had only caught the last word of Jon's question, so enraptured was he by the touch of the Kiwi-born Crowe.
"Can I get you a drink?"
Rich's beauty-starved eyes swept hungrily over the singer's well-defined muscles. "Uh..."
"He don't want a drink," a swim trunk-wearing Brad Pitt laughed and patted Rich on the shoulder. "He wants to go swimming with the guys..."
"Dude, yeah!" cheered a Speedo-wearing Keanu Reeves, who covered his head instinctively as Brad did a cannonball into the pool next to where he stood.
Good gravy... thought Rich. I must have died and gone to Hunk Heaven. A warm stream of drool began to run down the side of his chin.
"Let me get that for you, my Lord," offered the Academy Award winning Crowe. No one was more surprised (or aroused) than Rich when the actor leaned forward and began lapping up the spittle with his tongue.
His tongue... Rich closed his eyes and sighed inwardly. His small... dry... quick... tongue... How peculiar... The well-paid inspirational speaker felt as if his world was shifting around him. He opened his eyes slowly, the surrounding forest coming into focus. He blinked a few times and found that he was lying on the ground, the light of early dawn peeking through the trees above him. A large komodo dragon, perched firmly next to him on a flat rock, rhythmically flicked its tongue at the tiny sand fleas that had decided to make a home in his scruffy beard. Rich turned his head a fraction of an inch to come eye to eye with the offending creature.
"Aiiiiiiiiiiiiiyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeee!!!" he squealed and jumped to his feet. The critter scurried away, its fear nearly matching that of the day it was assaulted by a rampaging Sharon Stone.
"Where the hell...?" Rich tried to get a bearing on his location as he looked around, scratching his flea-bitten chin. His hand moved unconsciously to the spot on his neck where a powerful tranquilizer had been injected hours earlier.
What's the last thing you remember, Rich? he wondered to himself. Following Colleen into the woods and then... And then what? He was at a total loss. Visions of K-Y jelly flittered before his eyes and he remembered everything: Colleen, the strange snow...and Burnett.
Rich began to seethe at the Aussie's double cross. But like any good corporate consultant, he decided to follow the money. "I need to remain calm. Burnett didn't know about Colleen and the snow or how Xena and Gabe got on the island.... Maybe Burnett is... is... fallible?"
Rich gasped. Something...or someone...on the island had more power than Burnett!
"And if I want the money and Gabe... I've got to figure out who or what it is."
Rich headed deeper into the jungle.
The Survivor yacht pulled up to its secret port, readying for the day's reward challenge. Jeff Probst, the game show's host, motored to the shore in a small boat. He hopped out and took off into the thick foliage. Only the camera crew followed.
Probst was headed toward the Survivor camp when two long hands grabbed him from behind, delivering a quick nerve pinch that knocked him unconscious. Mezzo and godconnie stepped from behind the bushes as the cameramen scattered into the woods.
"OK, I'm gonna zap you," said Mezzo to godconnie.
"Zap me? What for? I thought you were going to be Probst."
"Can't. No dimples," said Mezzo. "Now, stand still and let me zap you." Mezzo reached into her back pocket where she kept a small notebook.
"What? You can't,
like, zap some dimples onto yourself?" asked the
incredulous godconnie. "I don't want to be Probst. He's all
smarmy and hairy. I don't like him."
Probst began to regain consciousness. Mezzo rolled her eyes at godconnie and began scribbling in her notebook. Ropes and a gag suddenly appeared on the man. Mezzo turned her attention back to her fellow goddess.
"I haven't gotten far enough into my powers to conjure up dimples! They're complex and, well, I just can't do it," said Mezzo.
"You mean you don't want to do it. You don't want to be Probst," accused godconnie.
"Oh, please. I have green eyes, he has brownlike you. I don't have dimples, he has dimples...like you. Turning you into Probst is easier on my zapping powers," explained a surprisingly patient Mezzo who, indeed, had no wish to be Probst. "Besides," she added mischievously, switching into woo-the-Scorpio mode (as godconnie was born under the sign of Scorpio). "How could even a fabulous goddess like me re-create dimples like yours?"
"Well..." mused godconnie, turning to look at the gagged Probst. "You do have a point."
Mezzo rolled her eyes and muttered. "Scorpios. Just flatter their egos and..."
"What did you say?" asked godconnie, narrowing her eyes at Mezzo.
"Wormhole," said Mezzo. "I hope a wormhole doesn't open up and eat Probst. Now stand still."
Mezzo squinted, concentrated, scrunched and wiggled her fingers. She picked up her pen and began scribbling in the notebook. The fan fic goddess increased her writing speed until sparks flew out in jagged, green and purple streams of light that leapt from the paper to surround godconnie. In an instant, gc looked just like Probst.
"Mwafdafu?!" exclaimed a bug-eyed Probst from behind his gag.
godconnie looked down at her own body only to find it transformed. "My breasts! They're gone!"
"Yes, but look on the bright side," Mezzo offered. "You've always wondered what it would be like to have abs of steel like ROC's and Probst's ain't that shabby."
godconnie lifted her shirt to verify Mezzo's claim. "Is that a treasure trail?" gc gasped upon seeing the line of hair leading from her bellybutton down into her trousers.
The green-eyed goddess suppressed a giggle. "Just wait until you see what it leads to."
"You didn't!" Dark eyes glared at her.
Mezzo shrugged, "I had to make you convincing."
"B...b...but..." the dimpled darling stammered. "Nobody's going to see me naked!"
"Hey, Probst is a red-blooded, American boy," the writer explained. "And you're going to be surrounded by beautiful women... Certain things must happen in order to maintain the illusion."
"Certain things must happen?" gc repeated. "What are you talk..." Mezzo raised one perfect eyebrow as godconnie realized all too well what she was talking about. "Oh nononononono!" the sultry Scorpio waved her hands in protest. "That is not going to happen!"
"How are you going to stop it?" Mezzo asked, thoroughly enjoying her fellow goddess' discomfort. "Especially when you look into those emerald eyes of the battlin' bard?" she teased.
A lone bead of sweat ran down gc's chiseled back. "Well, I whispered in her ear earlier and nothing happened."
"But Gabrielle was frozen then," Mezzo grinned. "And you weren't a man."
gc gulped. Hard.
"Go get 'em, tiger!" Mezzo slapped her apprehensive co-author on the rump.
"I will get you for this," the brown-eyed beauty said menacingly.
"Not if I finish the fanfic before you get the opportunity to retaliate," Mezzo taunted.
"Fat chance," gc grumbled as she walked away.
Mezzo's smile faded as godconnie disappeared from view. "I am in so much trouble."
"Mmmfff!!!" The real Probst struggled to call for help.
"Quiet!" shouted Mezzo. "Or I'll turn you from a rooster to a hen in no time flat!"
Over the years, Gabrielle had gotten used to rising with the sun. It was a rare occasion, however, that she would wake before her partner. Today had been one of those exceptional days. Knowing that the other camp inhabitants were incapable of finding their own food, she quietly made her way into the jungle. When she arrived back at camp an hour-and-a-half later holding two freshly killed wild pheasants by their necks, she noticed the warrior princess sitting apart from the others, polishing her chakram. Rob Tapert sat solemnly at the opposite end of camp, watching Xena's every move.
"No freakin' way!" Soozin blared when she spied the large birds dangling from the bard's strong hands. "Where in the hell did ya find those things?" she asked as Gabrielle came closer. "Hey, old man!" she yelled to Rudy. "Lookit what Blondie brought fer us!"
"Holy shit," the elderly sailor mumbled as he took the fowl from the Amazon. "Thanks."
"You're welcome," Gabrielle smiled adorably.
Rudy felt his ancient homophobic walls begin to crumble.
"What da hell's wrong wit me?" he shook the thought from his head. "I don't care if ya are da cutest thing I ever did see," he said aloud. "I still ain't gonna acknowledge yer presence after we leave dis island."
Gabrielle wrinkled her brow as Rudy marched away. "Did I do something to offend him?" she asked Soozin.
"Naw..." Soo drawled. "He just don't like fags."
"Fags?"
"Oh, sorry. Queers." Soozin could be politically correct if she had to. Gabrielle was still at a loss. "Ya know..." Soo urged. "Gays, dykes, lezbos."
"Lesbos?" Finally a word the bard recognized. "You mean he doesn't like lesbians?"
"There ya go!" Soo said affirmatively.
"Why not?"
"Because homosexuality is an affront to God er somethin'," replied the truck driver.
Gabrielle snorted. "Oh please! Most of the gods I know sleep with their own siblings, regardless of gender!"
"Well, that might be the case in the screwed-up world you come from, honey, but we ain't in ancient Greece no more."
"No, I guess we aren't, are we?" Gabrielle became thoughtful. "So there are no lesbians in this world?"
"What do I look like, the host of some After School Special or somethin'?" complained Soo. "Yah, we still got folks who are queer and bi. It's just..."
"Bi?" the bard interrupted.
"Sexual. Attracted to both guys and gals."
"Oh."
"You Greeks sure don't know much about the different types of sexualities, do ya?" taunted Soo.
"I guess we never saw the need to categorize such things," the Amazon said honestly. "Love is love."
Soo chuckled. "You keep tellin' yourself that, Blondie."
Gabrielle was just about to launch into a lengthy debate that she was destined to win when she noticed Colleen and Kelly helping an unsteady Sean return to camp. The young man's swollen nose was bandaged and both eyes were black.
"What happened to him?" she asked.
"I gotta tell ya," Soo beamed. "It was a thing o' beauty. Ol' Dr. Sean asked your girlfriend if he could check the bump on her head."
"And?" Gabrielle couldn't believe that Xena would react so violently to such an innocent request.
"And then he offered to give her a breast exam."
Gabrielle glared at the injured man. Soozin could have sworn she heard a low growl coming from the bard.
"Gabrielle!" Xena called from her perch away from camp. The Amazon took a deep breath and released it, then went to her companion.
"Hey," said Xena.
"Hey," Gabrielle replied.
"My fist had a run-in with Sean's face."
"Mmm" nodded the blonde as she sat next to her friend. "He's lucky I wasn't here."
Xena chuckled softly. "My little bad ass." Gabrielle blushed and elbowed the warrior. "That was quite the bounty you came back with, Gabrielle."
"I learned from the best."
"I wouldn't have thought that pheasants were indigenous to this particular environment."
"You're trying to apply logic to this place, Xena?"
"Oh yeah," the warrior smiled. "Still recovering from a head wound."
"You already used that excuse last night," the bard joked. "Come up with something different."
Xena shrugged. "The Island Goddesses made me say it." Her eyes twinkled with mischief.
"Ugh!" Gabrielle bellowed and buried her head in her hands, trying not to smile.
"Omigod!" Jenna yelped as she ran past the warrior women toward the castaways' living quarters. "Jeff is coming and my hair is a mess!"
Gabrielle looked up at Xena. "Jeff?"
"Just what we need," the dark-haired woman lamented. "Someone else to deal with."
For the first time since they landed on the island, Xena and Gabrielle witnessed the Survivor contestants showing enthusiasm over something besides food.
Jenna, Kelly and Soo began fighting over who was going to run the Bowie knife through their hair first. Rudy abandoned his post at the Rattana kitchen and stood at attention. Sean stumbled around in an injury-induced stupor (though no one could tell the difference between this and his general, everyday stupor). Even Gervase joined the land of the conscious. The only person who maintained their relaxed manner was Colleen. She had long ago accepted the fact that she would never win a challenge and had ceased to care.*
"Maybe we should go see what all the fuss is about," Xena suggested.
"I suppose..." Gabrielle reluctantly agreed.
godconnie, disguised as Jeff Probst, slowly approached the Survivor campsite. She was determined not to embarrass herself in front of her audience.
Just because I'm in a man's body, it doesn't mean I have no control, she thought. Men aren't really slaves to their libidos, right?
Just then, she got her first up-close-and-personal glimpse of the bard and warrior in motion as they came closer. Briefly holding her breath, she commanded herself to internally repeat the following, Xena will kill me. Xena will kill me. Xena will kill me.
Jenna, barely covered by her pink bikini, bounded up to godconnie and angled her butt for better viewing.
"So, Jeff," Jenna said flirtatiously. "See anything you like?"
gc cleared her throat and concentrated on the numerous scabby flea bites covering the girl's thighs. "Uh, your butt is looking lovelier than ever, Jenna."
"You really think so?" Jenna began to cry. "Oh, Jeff. You don't know how much that means to me!" She wrapped her hands over gc's shoulder and began jumping up and down. godconnie closed her eyes and pictured a shirtless Ted Raimi.
"Get your stinkin' paws off him, Jenna!" Soo roared. "You ain't gettin' no special treatment just 'cause yer not ashamed ta shake yer titties in his face."
Jenna stopped her bouncing. She bit her lower lip and tried to hold back the tears. She was successful for a full five seconds - a record for her.
godconnie turned to face the crowd that had gathered around her. "Listen up," she said in Probst's most professional voice. "It's time for today's reward challenge..."
"Excuse me," Gabrielle spoke as she and Xena made their way to the front of the group.
gc inwardly squealed
like a frightened piglet. "Yes?"
"Can you explain what is going on here?" inquired the
bard.
The fanfic author remembered that she was supposed to be surprised by the Greek women's presence. "Who are you?" She focused with all of her might on a small blemish that graced the blonde's chin.
"My name is Gabrielle," she said to the strange man who had yet to look her in the eye. "And this is Xena."
godconnie realized that she was coming off badly so she thrust her muscular arm out to embrace the even more muscular arm of Xena. "The name is Probst. Jeff Probst." gc looked up into the bluest eyes she had ever seen. She began to drown in the cerulean pools.
"Oh God," gc squeaked as she felt an unfamiliar tightening in her khakis. I'm a Gab fan! she thought. Xena can't be having this kind of effect... gc lost all rational thought as their eyes connected again. She choked back her despair. "Could you excuse me for a moment?"
"Sure," the warrior replied suspiciously.
godconnie turned and ran into the nearby forest. Leaning against a tree, she began to pray to any god that would listen to save her from her testosterone hell.
"What's he doing, Xena?" the bard asked.
"I have no idea, Gabrielle, but something isn't quite right about him."
"Do you think it's Ares?"
"No," the warrior answered. "But he's not who he says he is."
"Probst is always sportin' a boner after talkin' to Jenna and Colleen," Soozin interjected. "He probably took one look at you guys and had to go jerk off."
"Ewwwwww!!!!!!" Colleen groaned and covered her eyes.
Jenna began to pout. Poor, sweet Jeff, she thought. I wonder if I should go help him out?
A bewildered Gabrielle looked from Soo to her partner. "What language is she speaking, Xena?" the bard whispered.
Xena shook her head. "No clue."
"Probst is a pansy!" grumbled Rudy.
Tapert, who had been eerily quiet all morning, turned to the ex-Navy Seal. "I like you."
Rudy sneered. "Don't tell me you go both ways too."
"What?!" Tapert was aghast.
"Someone shoot me now," the elderly man said to no one in particular.
"Anybody got a gun?" Colleen quizzed the surrounding camera crew.
*In reality
- and we do mean REALITY - Colleen did, indeed, win the next
reward challenge. She received a barbecue dinner and letters from
home. She was allowed to take one other castaway with her to the
barbecue. She chose Jenna.
